Relapse after relapse

LegacyUser

Hi
I'm feeling really down at the minute and I'm hoping getting some of this off my chest will help. I've struggled with eating disorders since my early teens. I'm now in my late twenties and I'm still struggling with these issues. I am so incredibly ashamed of myself over this. I've had extensive therapy throughout the years to deal with underlying issues and my mum has paid through the nose for a lot of this. Obviously, as I got older I started to pay for treatment myself, but I feel like such a f***ing idiot because I never learn.
I've put on quite a bit of weight over the summer months after a pretty bad relapse over the past year. I absolutely hate the way I look at the moment. I hate looking in the mirror. I'm trying to apply all of the things I've learned over the years, but the anxiety I feel is crippling. I feel I cannot talk to anyone about this. It'd be different if it was a "new" issue, but because it's the same old s**t, different day, I know people will tell me to cop on and sort myself out.
I feel so incredibly sad that all of these years on, I'm still torturing myself and not living the full life I should be living.
I don't know what to do. I know that I should persevere and work on changing my mindset, but every single day, I'm in a panic and all I want is to get back to my old weight.
I feel really pathetic.
I just needed to get this out.

Gooner111

Hi foolishgirl. Sorry to read that your down. You say you've had therapy etc but maybe a fresh course again just to give yourself a boost would be helpful. Needing a boost isn't something to bash yourself over. Its perfectly normal. Were not happy 100% of the time and have down periods!!! Don't worry about what others will say. Maybe you could try the gym? It would help you work on your weight and appearance naturally - remember though it takes time. Sorry I don't have much advice to offer you. I hope you start to feel better soon.

Princess Peach

Oh I could have have written your post myself :P Hence I can't give much advice!

I find I tend to go longer without a relapse right after a course of therapy sessions. If you could, maybe ongoing sessions would benefit, but of course that's down to what you can afford. Maybe contact an eating disorder charity in your area to see what services they offer?

Also look at what type of counselling you have received. I really benefited from a body image disorder group. It was group sessions, not aimed towards treating eating disorders, but more our issues with how we see ourselves. Soon I'm starting another group which is about teaching healthy lifestyles. I hope that if I can learn how to have a healthy balanced diet I can lose weight naturally, rather than my extreme measures. I really like group sessions too, I have been to one for eating disorders too and enjoyed it.

One thing that's nice about group sessions is you can talk to these people, because they understand and won't tell you to "cop on". Or just find a friend who is understanding and supportive. I tend to be very secretive about my habits, maybe it would benefit me more to talk about it. I have someone very supportive, but I choose not to talk for various reasons, but if you can find the courage, maybe it would be good for you

SuzysueSarah

Hi Foolshgirl,

Don't beat yourself up, that will only make you feel even worse. I went through eating disorder issues myself for years and I know exactly how it feels to hate yourself so much. But, believe it or not, it's possible to get to a place where you can accept what you look like and even love yourself. Just because you are having a tough time and don't look "perfect" (who does??!!) doesn't mean that you're not a beautiful and worthwhile person who has something amazing to offer the world. I'm sure that, no matter how bad you feel about yourself, there are people who love you, try to give some love to yourself.

Everyone has a different path to recovery, I can only tell you what worked for me. I did counselling for a while and it helped me to understand the psychology of my issues with food, also issues in my past that are contributory factors. However, I found that support groups gave me a chance to really learn how to live in a different way. They also get you out of that very lonely place where you feel like no one else could be as bad as you. People of all ages and backgrounds have eating disorder issues. You'd be surprised how many people who seem very 'together' on the surface secretly have serious eating problems. In fact, perfectionsim and the need to present a perfect facade can be part of the problem.

I went to Bodywhys and Overeaters Annonymous. OA is for everyone who has issues with food so it's worthwhile even if, as I did, your problem is at the anorexia end of the scale. I can't recommend these organisations highly enough. You will meet people who have problems like yours and are finding a way through them. The support and hope you find is amazing. Yes, the first few meetings are terrifying, but you don't have to say anything if you don't want to, you can just go along and listen. They both operate in most parts of the country and it is totally worth travelling to meetings. Look up their websites or send me a message if you want to find out more.

LegacyUser

Hi
Just to tell you my own story so that it may help you in some way. I developed an eating disorder(binge eating) when I was a teenager. I had a fairly traumatic childhood so food was my coping mechanism and my comfort. I didnt tell anybody for years. Maybe they knew as I was obsessive about food, but from my appearance you couldnt tell as I'd exercise like crazy to keep my weight from getting out of control. I did gain weight, but definitely not so much as for it to that noticeable. I literally spend my life in a cycle of binge-purge. I eventually conceded to myself that I needed to see a therapist. It was good to finally tell someone what had been going on for 15 years at that stage. I came to the realisation though that the therapist could only go so far, that it was in my hands and nobody elses to get me out of the mess I was in. That was a big moment of clarity. I did a lot of research and read a lot of books on the subject of eating disorders and ultimately came up with a plan to tackle it once and for all. The most important thing I did was to establish a regular pattern of eating. Eat regularly throughout the day no matter what. And dont diet. Dont try to completely eliminate certain foods. I could eat any food I wanted. I know that sounds counterproductive but it works because youre no longer denying yourself. The irony is that you actually dont eat the foods you tried so hard to deprive yourself off in the first place. Anyway to cut a long story short, my plan worked. I overcame the eating disorder and all is well now. There was a very intense period after I'd stopped the behaviours, where repressed feelings finally came to the surface after years of being subdued via food. It was a heavy period of time but it was also good.
Eating disorders are like guard dogs, theyre their to protect you from feelings that are painful. But theyre like guard dogs that bite you aswell.
Sorry gotta go right now. Hope that helps

estar

regardless of how much therapy you have had in the past, it doesn't matter if you need more get it.

guilt is a large part of eating disorders, the feeling that you don't deserve things, to take care of yourself, that you are not worthy

your mother i am sure willing paid for the therapy you had, you dont owe her your recovery

its easy to focus on feeling "fat" but what else are you feeling? what is going on in your life that is causing you to feel out of control

often when we are separated from our emotions we use feeling fat and thin to express ourselves.

rather than getting therapy - or between top ups have you looked into support groups at BodyWhys it might help you to get support, and its not so expensive. it might help you to stay with good thoughts

ditch the guilt. this is where you are, and its ok to be yourself.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for the supportive and encouraging replies.
It's really nice to have non-judgmental advice and a level of understanding that isn't there with people who haven't experienced eating disorders.
I've been to OA meetings before. It was part of inpatient treatment I was receiving years ago. I was dealing with anorexia, but it definitely helped to know that I wasn't alone in this battle although I'd say I was a lot more closed off to that sort of thing than I would be now, so it's something I think I'll try again. I've never been to bodywhys, but would like to give that a go too.
I know it's up to me to do the work after all the therapy and I hope I can remember that and turn things around.
I feel like crawling out of my skin at the moment. I'm very uncomfortable in my body. Logically, I know I'm not overweight at the moment, but that flies out the window when I look in the mirror, feel my hips, stomach, etc.
I'm going to look into a group.
Again, thank you all for your words of encouragement:)