So lonely in my life

roseofthemoon

Im not sure what I will achieve for myself by posting here but I guess I am hoping some impartial advice or opinions may help.

Essentially I feel so lonely in my life. Im 32 (female). I feel that everyone around me is happy, content and not lonely so this just makes what I am feeling worse. When walking through town, I find myself, in that split second, get an overwhelming feeling of jealousy towards couples or friends or even people who arent on their own. Because I know that I am going home to an empty home. I know I can pick up the phone to family members, but I find myself distancing myself from them more and more lately - and wanting to put on a false happy face, which I have always done but more so now. I have never had a large group of friends, just a close 2 or 3 friends, so when it comes to evenings and weekends when I am not in work, the chances of them being available to meet up are slim. I am quite introverted but yet I know that if anyone who knew me knew I was posting this, they would be shocked. If work colleagues ask what Im up to for the weekend, I lie and say I am going out or whatever. But really most weekends I come home friday night and other than one or two phonecalls to my mother or sister, I could go without speaking to anyone. I feel I walk around with a mask on. Mostly I feel incredibly insecure all of the time, and find myself wondering why, out of the handful of friends I do have, they even bother with me. I think a lot of the "why would anyone bother with me" feelings come from outbursts from my mother when i was growing up. Almost all of my childhood and teenage memories are of her shouting at me and arguments. I feel that at 32 I need to let that go, but I am finding it so hard to believe that I am a good person. Surely good people are happy, fulfilled and have lots of people who want to be around them, so I must not be.

Does anyone else feel like this? I know being single and living alone is not helping but even when I have been in a relationship in the past, I never feel happy or that I measure up or am good enough. I feel I am at a point in my life where I am ready for another relationship, but whats the point? I have nothing to offer anyone.

I just cant seem to get my "get up and go". All day I will think ok, this evening Ill go to the gym (endorphins etc) but when I leave my office its like this black cloud builds up around me and when I get home I just want to shut myself off from the world. I think a lot, so I know that what I have to do is start a class, find a hobby etc but once I get home the sadness I feel just destroys and overtakes any enthusiasm or motivation I had to try to change things.

Any advice much appreciated. Thanks.

Moon Indigo

First of all Hello Hope your day went okay and I hope your feeling alright tonight. I don't think you are the only person out there feeling like this I really don't. I know its easy to say that or feel like you are all alone and everyone has someone or something
It really sounds like you are a bit depressed and the more you let that lie and become complacent the worse it will become. Its a bit like the more sleep you get the more you want to sleep (well me anyway ).

You say you planned on taking up a hobby or going to a gym so really take the bull by the horns so to speak and do this. Look at your daily timetable and see what time you have free after work for example. Then maybe look at doing something you have always wanted to do such as learn a new language, take up a sport, learn to play an instrument. Anything that make you interested. This in turn will give you something to look forward to during the day.

Take it one step at a time and nice and slow yes? Nothing will happen overnight but nothing will happen either if you continue to let everything slide and overcome you. Everything takes time and now you have this time in your life use it wisely and be in control of it.

I am sure you are a good person with loads to offer so let that shine. Sometimes it really is a case of stopping and kicking yourself to get that get up and go.

I am sorry for the rant! Hope your okay. Take care

snafuk35

roseofthemoon wrote: »

Im not sure what I will achieve for myself by posting here but I guess I am hoping some impartial advice or opinions may help.

When you hit a brick wall you look for help. So your fine. No need to apologise.

Essentially I feel so lonely in my life.

You feel lonely but you have 2 or 3 friends and you have a family that loves you, so you aren't really are you? But yes we all live inside our heads and nobody can truly know us. It's the human condition.

Im 32 (female).

You are young and female. The world is your oyster.

I feel that everyone around me is happy, content and not lonely so this just makes what I am feeling worse.

Again you what you feel and reality are too different things. Nobody is happy or content all the time. Otherwise humanity would never have invented anything or done anything because we would have been happy enough with animals skins and flint tools and hunting and gathering rather than modern technology and urban living.

When walking through town, I find myself, in that split second, get an overwhelming feeling of jealousy towards couples or friends or even people who arent on their own. Because I know that I am going home to an empty home.

There's such a thing as a self-fulfilling prophecy. Do you make an effort to meet people and in particular men? Moping around town with a jealous look in your face is not going to attract people or get you a man.

I know I can pick up the phone to family members, but I find myself distancing myself from them more and more lately - and wanting to put on a false happy face, which I have always done but more so now.

Everybody is the same or feels the same from time to time.

I have never had a large group of friends, just a close 2 or 3 friends, so when it comes to evenings and weekends when I am not in work, the chances of them being available to meet up are slim.

Join the crowd.

I am quite introverted but yet I know that if anyone who knew me knew I was posting this, they would be shocked. If work colleagues ask what Im up to for the weekend, I lie and say I am going out or whatever. But really most weekends I come home friday night and other than one or two phonecalls to my mother or sister, I could go without speaking to anyone

Again the same is true of most people.

I feel I walk around with a mask on. Mostly I feel incredibly insecure all of the time, and find myself wondering why, out of the handful of friends I do have, they even bother with me. I think a lot of the "why would anyone bother with me" feelings come from outbursts from my mother when i was growing up. Almost all of my childhood and teenage memories are of her shouting at me and arguments. I feel that at 32 I need to let that go, but I am finding it so hard to believe that I am a good person. Surely good people are happy, fulfilled and have lots of people who want to be around them, so I must not be.

That's what Freud calls the superego. Our neural pathways are formed in childhood and we are trained to become the people we are in the first few years of life. You can't unchange the past and become a different person. Everyone was chewed out by their parents. Now you feel you need to find the determination to rise above it. That's your childish and adolescent brain dying as your adult brain grows to take its place. The old you is dying and being replaced by a more determined person who is determined to live and make her own decisions. You are not a bad person. You are just like everyone else at that stage of life.

Does anyone else feel like this?

Everybody feels like that.

I know being single and living alone is not helping but even when I have been in a relationship in the past, I never feel happy or that I measure up or am good enough. I feel I am at a point in my life where I am ready for another relationship, but whats the point? I have nothing to offer anyone.

Yes you do. You are thoughtful and considerate person who wants to be happy and who wants to share her life with someone else. Your first or second or third etc relationships may all fail, you might never find the "one" or whatever fairytale you have been fed in childhood. Many people just settle. You don't want to you. Good for you. Keep looking and don't stop until you find what you want.

I just cant seem to get my "get up and go".

Is there someone keeping a score?

All day I will think ok, this evening Ill go to the gym (endorphins etc) but when I leave my office its like this black cloud builds up around me and when I get home I just want to shut myself off from the world.

Don't do it if you don't feel like it. Go for a walk, do a few sit ups and press ups or go swimming if you don't want to go to the gym. Join a drama group or book club or do pilates or dancing. The gym is boring as hell.

I think a lot, so I know that what I have to do is start a class, find a hobby etc but once I get home the sadness I feel just destroys and overtakes any enthusiasm or motivation I had to try to change things.

Look up comedies on netflix or on youtube and watch loads and loads of funny episodes and clips and read nothing but joke books and online jokes for at least two weeks. That is exercise for the laugh out load portion of your brain. That will release endorphins or whatever and get you in a good mood. That might trigger your creative processes and get you out and about and get you in a good mood to do other things.

Any advice much appreciated. Thanks.

I hope the advice was helpful.

Gooner111

Hey OP.
Your not alone in those feelings! You do have to work on them though. Don't feel you have nothing to offer... your working, have your own place, have a few close friends, from your writing skills I'd say your very intelligent too. You mention mother and sister so close to family too. You go to the gym or try to anyway and maybe you've interest in loads other things. I can only imagine you'd make a good friend / partner.

It took me months to get into the habit of going to the gym/actually liking it. Now I go twice a week and miss it if I don't go. Personnaly I find it clears my mind and relaxes me and hurts me in equal measures!! What I did was pick two days (or more if you like) of the week and stuck to going. I changed my diet to high protein/high fibre stuff so that I wasn't feeling heavy, bloated, lethargic. Added in some fruit too. Its hard to change foods but I found it helped my mood and energy levels (first few weeks are rough though!!). Maybe trying something like that will help you stay energetic/motivated to go. At the beginning, like yourself, if I went home I wouldn't bother going out again so to change that I brought my gym gear to work!

Besides the gym also look into taking up a hobby or two. You'll meet people that way and hopefully make some new friends. I like the suggestion of watching some comedies etc when you are home. Lighten the mood and give yourself a smile.

You have a lot going for you but you do need to motivate yourself to getting out there so you can have the life you want. Will take time and effort but surely that will be worth it given how your feeling now.

Good luck

Mousewar

Firstly, a lot of these seemingly happy people are probably wearing their own masks, even the ones in relationships etc.
Secondly, You're only 32. It's too young to be in a rut. Change something, anything...job, work, hobbies, friends...
Lastly, it's the thoughts that are killing you - it's not the fact that you don't have a boyfriend or a big group of friends to hang out with that is depressing you. It's the fact that you're thinking about these things all the time. The one single piece of worthwhile advice I can give someone is to realise that they control their own minds and can choose what to think about. It takes a bit of practice but you must stop yourself when you start thinking about how 'unworthy' you are, (aside from the fact that it's nonsense of course).

saltyporridge

OP I feel like the way you do sometimes and I'm not young, single or alone. I think everyone does to be honest. I used to feel much worse about myself, but started to work my way through my feelings a while ago and decided that I'd have to push myself a little harder to 'join in' with other people, both at work and in general.

I too joined a gym and found a million reasons not to go (for a whole year - not only a waste of money but it became a real source of negative feelings). This year I bring my gym bag to work with me, have a light snack at the desk before leaving, and go straight there instead of going home and sitting on the couch for the evening. Oddly enough, I've found this gives me energy for the rest of the evening and I'm more positive about accepting the invitations that I thought people were just making out of politeness.

Looking back now, I realise how easy it is to get stuck in a rut. If you're driving and get stuck in the mud, you hit the accelerator (maybe going backwards and forwards for a while) instead of abandoning the car (I'm sure there are better ways of getting the car out of the mud but that's how I do it:)).

leahyl

Hi OP I have been feeling quite similar to you lately but no one I know would think it either!

A lot of my friends are either travelling or will be going away to study over the next few months so I won't be left with too many friends.

This week I started actually going to the gym and using my membership(!) so I'm going after work 3 days a week and then I do spinning one evening a week also. I'm trying to eat better also and lose a few pounds - basically trying to keep my mind off what's worrying me. It's sort of working at the moment but I'm still petrified that I'll have no one to socialise with in a few months.

Was texting one of my few friends that is still at home last night and we were saying that we should do more things at the weekend - even if it is just drinks/going out for meals/a show etc. You should try and organise things with the friends you've got also:)

I suppose when it comes down to it I am a bit shy when it comes to meeting new people (you probably wouldnt think it if you met me!) so the thought of joining something on my own fills me with dread. I also feel like a lot of people my age (I'm 27) have their own friends and aren't really looking to meet more.

I suppose I am more pessimistic than optimistic but I am trying to be more positive! I know exactly how you feel; believe me you are not alone.

I worry nearly every day about never finding someone to share my life with and being alone (this worry is exacerbated by practically everyone around me being loved up/engaged/having babies!).

I would suggest you seriously consider going to the gym straight after work - it's a great release of tension and you only need to spend an hour there and you can head home then if you like, knowing that you got a bit of exercise:) Just do something that will make you feel better and healthier if nothing else.

Take care

roseofthemoon

Wow...I honestly cannot begin to thank all of you who took the time to reply with advice and such kind words.

I know what I have to do and the person that I want to be......I suppose its just a matter of accepting that it will take time and its not something that will happen overnight. It can be so difficult sometimes though.....realising how steep a hill is in front of you. And not even knowing for sure that it will be worth it in the end.

dellas1979

The first thing to realise or work on is that it is not worth being in a relationship just because you are lonely. You will run into trouble here if you go into the world with that attitude. Its the wrong reason to want a relationship.

If you want to meet someone for a long sustainable relationship, you need to build back up your self confidence and self esteem and be comfortable with yourself.

Getting into a relationship wont change what you think about yourself. Its like flying half way across the world to avoid issues and then realising that theyve followed you, because while the location might have changed, you havent.

Maybe look into speaking to a councellor about self esteem issues, and figure out what you can do for yourself, and how to help yourself.

saltyporridge

roseofthemoon wrote: »

It can be so difficult sometimes though.....realising how steep a hill is in front of you. And not even knowing for sure that it will be worth it in the end.

It'll be worth it ... I read somewhere that every journey begins with a single step (even if it is up a very steep hill!). Be kind to yourself & don't be afraid of that first step.