opening chapter from my novel any opinions gratefully appreciated

tripper1963

Who in their right mind brings a poptart in to the toilet to eat while they’re having a crap? Weird or what?, When youbegin to tell a story while sitting in the toilet cubicle of a rundown discobar in North Dublin you sort of suspect it’s gonna go downhill from here on inand THE fact that Huey is in the cubicle next to me eating is making meconscious. There is not a sound to be heard so I’m guessing he put down sometoilet roll first so I don’t hear the plop noise when he releases an excrement torpedoso I better cough loudly if I suspect I am about to emit any farts. “What is aprelude Les” Huey shouted over the partition wall. Nice guy Huey but he can be abit slow on the uptake sometimes. “It precedes an event” I said. I did honoursEnglish that’s how I knew what it meant-“Why can’t women put mascara on with theirmouths closed” Huey asked. “**** off Huey I’m not in the mood and I am busy tryingto tell my story-My name is Les and this is my story. “Who are you talking toLes”- Huey wanted to know. God give me strength it’s not as if I don’t haveenough on my plate at the moment what with me been pregnant and everything elsegoing on-Men can actually get pregnant? Shock horror! Don’t tryto guess how or ask why I’ll get to that later yes it can and has happened hereat Funkys the bar in which I’memployed as a barman along with my sister Tara. As I begin to tell you my storyI am sitting here on the toilet feeling extremely unwell. I am thinking back toa time when I was not pregnant. I was in school. And I can picture it as if itwas only yesterday-The year was 1996-My teacher had an arse that was asaddictive as bubble wrap hmmmmm……. “How do they wrap bubble wrap” asked Huey-.“Piss off Huey I mean it”. Now where was I- before been rudely interrupted…? “Tellingthem about your teachers bum” Huey reminded me -ah yes my teacher-I was insecondary school somewhere in North Dublin I won’t say where but it rhymes withCoolock. I was fourteen at the time; bum fluff on my upper lip and hundreds ofzits our teacher faced the whole class one sunny Thursday afternoon and said…..“Using a sheet of toilet paper scribble down what you want outta life. One sheetought to be sufficient”-Talk about giving a teenage boy an inferiority complex!At fourteen I was full of naïve ideas I’d a needed a whole toilet roll to jotdown what was going on in my head. At that age I was normal all I worried aboutwas the varying lengths of pubic hair evolving from my testicles each new day andmy incessant desire to see Sharon Foyle naked from the waist up and see herboobies which I never did get to see more is the pity-why the waist up I oftenwondered what happens when you reach 15 do you just wake up one day get out ofbed and think I wanna see Sharon Foyle naked from the waist down instead? Asusual in school me been Les I’d the urge to retaliate call me a show off if youwant guilty as charged I just had to play to the waiting gallery i.e. my matesloitering at the back of the class scrawling graffiti and spitting at each other. “Miss I’ve a big arse does that make a difference?” Our teacher Miss Ford wasmad in to the idea of finding alternative uses for toilet paper- I suspect sheended up lashing the arse off some eco warrior working for Greenpeace –and shewas very fond of dishing out exemplary put downs to pubescent teenagers. “Inyour case Les just jot down would you like fries with that it’s a sentenceyou’ll come to know very well”. The cheeky mare! Everyone jeered she called forquiet- at the time working with chips every day didn’t seem such a bad idea tome. I loved chips when I was a kid. I’d no choice but to give her the LOOK! ‘I don’t care you didn’t offend me’ look-she turned away smirking and walked back up to the blackboard to do what wecalled ‘the wiggle’! With hindsight I know now been a lot older she was doingit on purpose she wore those tight corduroy trousers in to work every dayknowing damn well we’d see her VPL as she suggestively wiggled her roundly shapedarse as she scribbled down nouns adverbs and especially adjectives you couldalmost hear the simultaneous popping of erections while with her back to us shegyrated her hips in perfect harmony making synchronised chalk hadron’s alegitimate contender to be an Olympic sport. Today fast forward ten years on hereyou find me sitting down in the toilet waiting to piss staring at my one sheetof toilet roll and not a chip in sight I prefer mash potato funnily enough- yeahlook I let you in to a secret you’re right-guys normally stand when theyurinate but since I can’t see me dick because I have a large bump protrudingand I actually look like I’m eight months pregnant there isn’t much point. Willthere be splash back I hear you ask? Only if I stood up –which I’ve stoppeddoing. I had to if I stood to urinate now I’d be like a super duper garden hosenozzle attachment not one inch of the outside of an armitage shanks toilet bowlwould avoid getting wet. What would Sharon Foyle say if she could see me now?Even if she was naked from the waist down it wouldn’t have any effect. Mylibido and dignity are long gone. Would she look at me now in this state and think‘you’re a freak Les men don’t get pregnant’. Or would her maternal instinctkick in and she’d offer to rub my belly with oil to prevent me getting stretchmarks? She’s in Australia so why am I even bothering talking to myself askingdumb questions? Truth is- I hate the way I look and what I’ve become I’m very hardon myself always have been. How did I let me self-get Pregnant in the firstplace and at my age! I should have known better. When I think back to that day,when it all kicked off was it my own fault? Afraid so, okay fair enough it didactually occur unintentionally you could even argue it was artificialinsemination but see there was irony to me getting caught. Throughout all myteenage years I had always hated using durex anyway or diving gear as we calledit-where I grew up in north Dublin the definition of safe sex had nothing to dowith contraception safe sex meant been able to do it upstairs in your Ma’s housewhile the TV soaps were on because you were almost guaranteed never to bedisturbed for twenty four minutes and twenty six seconds-funny thing is I neverknew anyone who could actually bonk for an entire episode of Coronation Street.Had Sharon obliged with my favourite wet dream fantasy where she covered herentire body in peanut butter and then asked me to lick it off her I’d have beenfinished long before the opening titles had gone off the screen.

Zaph

Well straight off I'll tell you that without some proper paragraphs in there nobody is going to read that. It's a wall of text that's far too hard on the eyes. The big font isn't helping either.

tripper1963

Thanks Zaph see what you mean it didnt travel well when i cut and paste thanks for pointing that out