Did I over react

LegacyUser

Hi there just wanted a bit of feedback. I have a friend who I met through work (I dont work there now) we have been friendly for aprox a year and a half. Its a friendship mostly through mails texts etc. We dont really meet up. They are very guarded and very hard to get to know. I like them though and like their sense of humour etc but its always me texting to see how things are. Christmas their birthday I always get them something and never get anything in return and to be fair I never expect anything.

They were told a few months ago there was going to be Voluntary Redundancies and they were part of the section being offered redundancy. They are taking it ( they are delighted as they wanted out of the company last year when my section was offered redundancy) and since then every time I text (and its always me) they seem to be stressed or short with me. I have put this down to the redundancy as I know what its like and when I said I do know what its like its hard they told me it wasnt the same as I knew exactly when my dates were a lot quicker then them.

Anyway I said ok because maybe it is harder for them I said text me when you know when the date is. To cheer them up I dropped in a leaving present with a few funny gifts on Friday and they did text to say thank you. The same day they were given their leaving dates. I found out from someone else they never even text me to say I got the date. I text them on Sunday to say hi and they told me then I asked why didnt you text me to let me know, they said they wanted their family to know first, I replied saying its takes 2 secs to send a text given it was the same day I sent in a cheer you up leaving present and I was a bit hurt. I have said I dont want to fall out over this and their reply was they would never judge someone on how they would deal with things, everyone is different. I replied saying I wasnt judging its a case of friendship.. I dont think tbh this person wants to be my friend, I think I should leave them to it.

woodchuck

I'm going to be blunt; this person has no interest in being your friend. The reason I don't know; she could be too busy, have enough friends already or just not like you as much as you seem to like her. It sounds like you were good enough to have as a 'work friend', but that she has no interest in keeping the friendship going now that you're not there. You said yourself you don't really meet up and all the effort with email/texts etc is coming from your end.

I'd just leave her be. If she's really interested in being your friend she'll start making an effort once you back off. But I suspect she won't and you'll be better off focusing your efforts on people who are willing to give you something in return (and not talking about presents!!)

(btw to answer your original question; yes you over reacted a bit to that particular event. But put into context it's understandable that it was probably a long time coming.)

sam34

to be perfectly honest, I wouldn't want to be friends with you based on what you've posted here. you seem to think you have an automatic right to be told the information just because you asked to be told it. the reality is that it's up to the other person who they tell and when they tell them. their reason of wanting to tell their family first is perfectly valid and reasonable. allow them time to come to terms with the news, consider their options now etc. this news is about your friend, it's effecting them, not you, but you are trying to make it about you.

apart from this most recent event, it doesn't sound like a particularly good friendship anyway.

let it go and move on.

Merkin

I'm afraid I agree with the above, I don't think I'd want to be your friend either based on what you have set out above. You always instigate contact so this object of infatuation friendship is evidently not that interested in being your friend and you really should take your que from that. You also seem quite full on and intense. While giving presents is sweet, you don't really seem to have an actual real-life friendship with this girl so the giving of gifts is not really appropriate when this person isn't really a big part of your life. Then comes the over familiarity and unfounded expectation that this girl should tell you immediately when her redundancy dates become clear - all of this points to quite an unhealthy concept of what a friendship entials. If you don't mind me asking, and this is in no way coming from a bad place, but do you have many friends? If not, and going by the above, I would come to the conlusion that you are maybe lacking in some basic social mores. Most people are familiar with parameters and what is acceptable and those lines may be a little blurred for you. In essence what I am saying is that if someone is not reciprocating your friendship then you shouldn't force the issue.

tony81

You sound a bit clingy op. Everyone is entitled to a private life and doesn't need to involve anyone (friends, family, or anyone else) in every part of their lives.
This person probably doesn't have much interest in being a friend.. you sound more like an acquaintance or former workmate than an actual friend. Chill a bit and give this person some space. They will be in touch with you if they want, otherwise don't force it.

2rkehij30qtza5

Being blunt about it-this person does not want to be your friend and has probably tried to 'defriend' you gently by being short in texts etc but you just didn't take the hint! Dropping in gifts, giving birthday gifts etc is all a bit excessive considering this person is not truly a friend. You said the contact is mainly texts and emails so your behaviour is completely OTT with the present giving and all the one-sided contact!
Walk away and leave this person to live their life and you should live yours and not be constantly contacting this person again!

m'lady

Agree with the other posters, you seem a bit clingy and being very honest I would hate that from a 'friend', the idea of being hemmed in by someone.. No thanks.

People are busy OP and need space. Buying gifts etc is too much and puts people under obligation. Is this person male or female? Is there more than a friendship interest on your part?

Anyway focus your energies elsewhere OP, you will feel better in yourself too.

charlietheminxx

I think a lot of you guys are being a bit harsh on the OP.

You are right, this person doesn't want to be the OPs friend, but you're making it sound like she is some kind of stalker! In fact, she just sounds like someone who is maybe a bit lonely and valued this work-based friendship more than the other person.

You have been a bit over the top OP. You need to think more about boundaries in a friendship. I know you were just doing it to be kind, but gifts etc can make someone uncomfortable, and you did overreact to the situation at hand. You say you appreciate this person's sense of humour, but it doesn't sound like they have a similar appreciation for your nice qualities. I suggest forgetting this person and getting out and meeting new people who will be more appreciative of your friendship. Just please be mindful that ALL friendships have boundaries.

armitage1971

charlietheminxx wrote: »

I think a lot of you guys are being a bit harsh on the OP.

You are right, this person doesn't want to be the OPs friend, but you're making it sound like she is some kind of stalker! In fact, she just sounds like someone who is maybe a bit lonely and valued this work-based friendship more than the other person.

You have been a bit over the top OP. You need to think more about boundaries in a friendship. I know you were just doing it to be kind, but gifts etc can make someone uncomfortable, and you did overreact to the situation at hand. You say you appreciate this person's sense of humour, but it doesn't sound like they have a similar appreciation for your nice qualities. I suggest forgetting this person and getting out and meeting new people who will be more appreciative of your friendship. Just please be mindful that ALL friendships have boundaries.[/Quote

I agree with the previous comment i think some here are being very harsh. It does seem this person doesn't want a friendship. Time to move on and forget them

Missy Moo Moo

Hi OP,

Work friends are great and all but the true test of friendships is whether you stay in touch after that commonality is gone, i.e, one or both leaves the work place.

It sounds like this particular friendship is in the category of work friends and nothing more.

I would concentrate on other friendships, as this one sounds like a bit of a dead duck to be honest.

For the record, I feel what you did was a little bit intense. You need to respect other peoples space, their redundancy and their leaving date is their news to deal with. I know you meant well and were obviously concerned. Sadly, that came out the opposite way. If I were to do that, I'd want to be damn sure the friendship was rock solid to get away with giving someone grief for not texting me their redundancy date. Just take learnings from it and make sure to give people space but be there when they need you.

Lorna123

Op I understand where you are coming from, you put a lot of effort into befriending this girl whom you admired and wanted to be friends with. You didn't get the same recognition back so that was your cue to leave this girl alone but you couldn't take no for an answer. You kept chasing her and it just isn't working out. So what you do now is leave her alone and get the message that she is not interested.

There are all type of personalities in the world OP and just because this girl didn't reciprocate your feelings doesn't reflect on you at all. You are a nice caring type but this girl has a full social life and she is not interested in befriending you. You now know where you stand with her so having this knowlege will empower you and enable you to walk away and get friendly with someone who feels the same as you do. We have all been there at one time or another OP, I certainly have, so don't think that there is anything wrong with you, it is just that some people are wrapped up in themselves and their own little worlds and they only have time for their own interests.

In friendships of any sorts there has to be give and take and when you feel that you are the one doing all the giving, which you have been, then you take a step back and wait to see if the other person gets in touch with you or reciprocates any of the kind gestures that you have put into the friendship. If there is nothing forthcoming from the other side then you get the message that they are not interested. Up to now you haven't figured this out but knew there was something wrong. You were right. There is something radically wrong with this friendship, it is not an equal friendship. I would just leave this girl alone if I were you. Hope this has made sense to you.