Big Fat Positive and terrfied!

GuestUser2012

I don't normally seek advice from others - thinking that I'm a strong enough person to make my own decisions and be happy with it. This is, I think the first time I've been in a situation where my family and friends just can't help me.

I found out a week ago that I'm pregnant and I'm in crisis. I might love my nieces and nephews but I'm not much of a baby person - I just don't have the patience.
Despite all of that, my biggest problem is that I'm a young professional and I've only been in my new job eight months. I met my baby's father in the second month and we hit it off. I just told him a few days ago that I had a positive result. He was in shock of course but he told me we'd work it out together and it would all be OK. Little did I know that he was only soothing my feelings until the shock settled in.

He's basically told me that he doesn't want the baby. We discussed it and I sobbed my heart out because I don't think I can have an abortion now the embrio has a heart beat. He's adamant its just 'a ball of cells' and that a brain determines who a person is, not a heart beat. He's told me because I've decided to have the baby that I'm taking his options away from him. Apparently I'm making a unilateral decision that will effect both of our lives and that if I do it, he can't be with me. He says I'm taking his option to 'do this the right way' away from him and that now's not the time to have a baby. He's career focused and down right refuses to accept that he's causing me pain and now I'm at a loss.

I feel myself shattering inside. If I do what he says, I might never forgive myself and I certainly don't think I could stay with him knowing what he made me do.
If I have the baby, I ruin my new career, loose the man I love (and it's real love, I'd do virtually anything for him) and everyone in work knows that this guy got me pregnant and that we're broken up. I feel like I've been conned, I never thought he had this side to him! I never thought such a rational and educated man would be so downright cruel.

The worst part is that we work together in the same office! In a few months I'll start showing and I'm so afraid of what my friends and relations as well as co-workers will think of me being in this situation.
I suppose what I really want to know is..not whether I'm making the right decision but rather...is he right? I know what my friends and loved one's would tell me but I need advice from an outsider.

Is what I am doing taking the decision away from him? Am I being selfish and not making the adult decision here? He says I'm being flippant and has begged me to reconsider...I really need help!

bakergirl91

Oh OP, i am truly sorry that you have to go through this!! but i think i will get straight to my point. What about what you want ?! i personally couldnt have an abortion, but it is your choice . He seems to only care about himself, not about you and your feelings. And after all its not like you stole his sperm, he was involved in this too!! If you decide your going through with the pregnancy, he will say regardless that you didnt take him into consideration.

Another thing OP, the adult decision can be either. I know plenty of mothers who have had children young and unplanned and still climbed to the top of their careers. You need to think about what you want too, not be so transfixed on what he wants.

dellas1979

He is making HIS own decisions based on his feelings. Which he is entitled to, but hes basing it all on him.

YOU are taking into consideration him, you, and the unborn child.

Think you need to talk to someone on this - maybe positive options? Might make it clearer.

mosesgun

Congratulations on the pregnancy. I'm sure everything seems really daunting at the moment. The situation is not being helped by his attitude. My only advice would be to do what feels right for you. Try not to be swayed by others. If you decide to have the baby, you'll get maternity leave and can then return to work and resume your career where you left off. Shouldn't be the end of the world.
Your life will undoubtedly change forever but that's life. You might love being a mother and it could be the best thing you ever did. I come from the angle of being a dad to 3 small kids so maybe I'm biased. Genuinely wish you well with your decision.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, to put it bluntly, because of biology you do have the final say. You do get to decide whether or not he becomes a father. You can take that decision away from him, completely, and you get to decide his future.

But at the same time he needs to take responsibility a bit. Having sex always runs the risk of pregnancy. So while its not what he planned for himself, it IS happening. And he also has to accept that the decision, ultimately, is yours. But you need to consider the fact that you may very well be left to do this completely alone.

And while having an abortion might seem like the simplest solution for him... it involves so much more for you.

Ever2010

OP I'm sorry you have found yourself in this situation. You do have a very tough decision ahead of you. I would echo what dellas1979 said and talk to a professional about your options.

I can only add that I myself had a termination 12 years ago while I was in college. At the time I was 100% sure that I was doing the right thing for both myself and my then boyfriend. Although I didn't regret it - I did suffer with guilt, and often wondered had I made the right decision - and this was a person who was 100% sure. I can't imagine the pain that anyone must go through if they are not sure about having one.

I don't think that your career would be over - there are plenty of women who have successful careers with a young family.

I know you said that you would lose your partner if you go ahead and have the baby, but with the attitude that he has towards you now - do you really want this man to be your partner?

If he were happy to be having a baby would you be shouting your pregnancy from the roof-tops? The answer should help with your decision.

Best of luck - I hope that you choose what is best for you.

cafecolour

Is there some reason you're not considering having the baby and putting it up for adoption? It seems like a reasonable solution - you don't have to abort (which you seem against) but after the birth you and your boyfriend can continue on with your careers.

Morag

IFPA National Pregnancy Counselling Service 1850 49 50 51

Couselling when you find you have an unexpected pregnancy is free.
Please ring and make an appointment to talk to someone who can help you
and help you put a plan in place for what you decide.
From information about what help and supports there are if you end up a lone parent
or if you decide not to continue the pregnancy.

The IFPA is the only nationwide three-option counselling service. Our counsellors are here to give you accurate, honest and clear information and support.

Our counselling service is free and are located in Cork, Dublin City, Dundalk, Galway, Gorey, Letterkenny, Limerick, Monaghan, Sligo, Tallaght and Waterford. Appointments are made through the IFPA's pregnancy counselling helpline, 1850 49 50 51. IFPA staff will be able to book a suitable appointment for you, give you directions and answer some basic questions.

canireally

Hi, I just found out that I prob can't have kids, and with that massive biased thoughts that result I can see both sides of why u might not want to. I think u should contact that pregnancy help line theyr trained to help u decide what YOU want to do, rather than be swayed by someones own personal opinion. Best of luck though.x

Ellsbells

GuestUser2012 wrote: »

Is what I am doing taking the decision away from him? Am I being selfish and not making the adult decision here?

Op as you know there is no going back once you have an abortion. I can understand his viewpoint and he is entitled to it and in an ideal world a couple would agree on the when's of starting a family but this has not happened in this case. Imagine the roles were reversed and he wanted to keep the baby and you went ahead and had an abortion - can he not see the pain it would cause him???

You dont want to have an abortion but think you will lose him if you don't, on the other hand, if you go ahead with the abortion to please him, it will be very hard to stay with him after that. Your life has changed and the reality is that you need to think about you and what you can live with. If you dont want to have an abortion then dont have one. I know I couldnt and I couldnt let someone badger me into it. Either decision is an adult decision...

GuestUser2012 wrote: »

He says I'm being flippant and has begged me to reconsider...I really need help!

Its very unfortunate that this choice will have such an impact on your bf's life but he was 50% party to the conception and no matter what contracpetion you are on, pregnancy is always an option. He should have known this. He sounds like he is in shock. Shouting for an abortion without thinking about it sounds flippant to me. Does he understand the ordeal a woman goes through having an abortion before and in a lot of cases afterwards. Does he expect you to stay together afterwards??

I know its not easy but you need to focus here. you need to focus on what you want for you and your baby as the abortion option is final and cant be undone and if you go down that route you need to know you can live with it afterwards.

As for colleagues, friends, family etc - its not the 1940's. You are far from the first to have a surprise pregnancy and wont be the last. Put them out of your mind and focus on you and your baby.

GuestUser2012 wrote: »

what I really want to know is..not whether I'm making the right decision but rather...is he right?

As much as you want to give your bf what he wants, if, in your heart of heart you cant abort the baby, you are doing nothing wrong (and in my personal view something very right). I think he is right to tell you what he wants but wrong to be bullying you into it. Be strong and talk to someone sooner rather than later. As well as that congrats xx

EB

have sent you a PM

meeeeh

I'll be blunt. In any case, your relationship seems to be over. Either he won't forgive you or you won't forgive him. The feelings could change over time but at the moment you have to treat it as an end of relationship. So you have to decide between couple of bad options. Can you live with abortion, or can you be single parent, or can you imagine giving child away for adoption? For me the third option would be the hardest but I'm not you and you will have to decide for yourself. Get some counseling and try to take your feelings towards BF out of decision process. It is something that will affect you a lot more than him and you have to do what you think is in your best interest.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I just decided to post here as I have been in an almost identical situation myself, and have come out the other end. I was with my bf for 3 years when I found out I was pregnant at 19.
Like your ex he came straight out and said that the only way he would stay with me was if I had an abortion. I thought long and hard about it, as I loved him to pieces and couldn't imagine my life without him. I soon realised that whatever the outcome, things would never be the same for us again. If I went through with the pregnancy, I would lose what I thought was my soulmate. If I aborted my baby, I would have to live with that decision for the rest of my life, and look him in the eye knowing that he was the reason that I got rid of my child.

I decided to keep my baby as I knew it would destroy me inside if I went through with the abortion. He stuck to his word and at 27 weeks pregnant I set eyes on him for the last time when he left the country. I was devastated. I thought I would never smile or laugh or be happy ever again.

I gave birth to my daughter a couple of weeks later. Instead of feeling ecstatic, I felt a huge hole of pure grief looking at this helpless little thing, knowing what lay ahead for her. From this grief though came an overwhelming sense of responsibility for her, and I knew that I HAD to do everything in my power to protect her and give her the best possible life.

In a way, my daughter saved my life. Yes I was young, no partner, no job, but knowing she depended on me gave me such a determination to prove everyone wrong, especially my ex, about the kind of life she would have.

I went to college when she was 6 months old, did a degree and a masters degree after that. I got a good job, met my current partner who absolutely adores my little one as if she is his own. My girl is now 6 and is such a happy, confident, smart little kid.

I told you all this OP as I could have written your post myself 6 years ago. Go with what you feel is right for you. Don't listen to people who say you will ruin your life, or your kids life. Having a baby, for me anyway, MADE me sort my life out, she really was teh making of me. Getting pregnant is not the end of the world. You won't ruin your career, if anything it will make you more ambitious to secure your child's future. And you will be able to hold your head up knowing you did the right thing, unlike your ex. Good luck whatever you decide OP x

Oryx

I agree with meeeh. Your relationship had already passed the point of no return when you both felt completely differently about the pregnancy. Nothing in your post suggests you want an abortion (apart from understandable fear of change). Your partner sees abortion as a simple solution, like taking a pill, that makes the problem go away. But this 'problem' is not inside his body. You know its a total rollercoaster of emotion and not simple at all. He can walk away at any stage. You have to go through with whichever choice you make, you have to live with it afterwards.

I know you love him. That is what makes this so hard. But you make this decision for YOU. Yours is the face you have to look at in the mirror the rest of your life. Do what you need to do for you. Your relationship has to be secondary to that. The way I see it, it may never recover from this anyway.

Gooner111

Your boyfriend has his own personal view on the matter and while I think it is fair for him to have his say it is not fair of him to pressure you into a termination. At the end of the day YOU are the one carrying the baby and YOU are the one who decideds whether to keep it, terminate, put up for adoption etc so YOU are the one in control. Do not let him pressure you. Contact the professionals and get all the advice you can before making YOUR decision.

jellygems

i was in ur situation 20 months ago, he said the same things to me.

i was terrified to be a mother again as i was already, just getting ready to go to college!!

i wanted to keep the baby but out of fear and pressure i didnt, and its a decision i have struggled and lived with since. i am full of regret and guilt.

i havent seen or spoken to him since either, let me say think long and hard and if u have one shred of doubt dont do it..... also i wuldnt be sticking around whatever happens with him.

best of luck, my heart goes out to you

Sleepy

You have to take him out of the equation and figure out for yourself:

Do you want to go through with an abortion and live with it or do you want to (at least temporarily) give up your career and be a single parent.

tony81

He made the decision to sleep with you. Pregnancy is a natural consequence. Don't Be bullied into an abortion. Few relationships survive an Abortion. He can make the decision to support you or he can make the unilateral decision to take a hike.
Your worklife will not suffer. You can avail of maternity leave, child benefit, and if necessary child maintenance and family income supplement.
A tumour is just a bunch of cells. Embryo's have much more potential :-)

littlefriend

Say goodbye to him and follow your instinct. I did and while its sometimes hard there isn't even a tiny piece of me that regrets me.


edit - just to make that clearer - I went ahead with pregnancy.

pinkdaisy

You need to make your decision on your own. Women make these decisions all the time.

I was in your exact position a year ago, I aborted. Never felt any regret about it and still don't. It wasn't the right time for me to have a baby. It's not as traumatic as people will make you think it is. Honestly, the procedure is not horrible. The one thing that angers me about abortion is that there's a misconception that it's painful and traumatic. It is NOT a psychologically painful procedure if you believe in yourself and in your decision. But you need to be okay with it in your own mind.

If you're not sure it's gonna screw you up.
And it is not a physically painful procedure.

But you have to be comfortable in your own mind and trust your own opinion, and know that you are doing it for the right reasons.

Make a rational decision. No one will tell you you're a bad person for not going ahead with a pregnancy.

If you want to have a baby, then do it, but know that you'll be raising a child on your own. Disregard him completely. He has disregarded your opinion.

And be the strong the woman that you are. Only you will know what the right decision is...Go with your gut on this one.

eviltwin

Hi OP, I have had two crisis pregnancies. One I kept, one I terminated so I understand the confusion you are feeling right now.

Please please please get some impartial counselling, this is the biggest decision you are going to make and you need to make sure its the right one and not the one you do in a emotional fog. You want to be sure that whatever you do, you're doing it for the right reasons and that you won't face a hard time emotionally when its too late to change your mind.

You are more likely to be okay mentally if the decision is yours alone, being coerced into an abortion you don't want is a recipe for disaster.

Whatever you do decide remember that you are not alone, lots of women will have been there before and you will have their support if you need it and the support of other agencies. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Walls

Just to add my two cent; I've recently become a mother, and my husband was an absolute dream the whole time. And it still was incredibly difficult. Anyone who does this alone is to be congratulated. Being a mother is very difficult, being a single mother would be beyond me.

Ellsbells

Walls wrote: »

. Being a mother is very difficult, being a single mother would be beyond me.

You think that but if it had to be done, it would be.

Walls

Ellsbells wrote: »

You think that but if it had to be done, it would be.

Yes, but at a cost. There would frugality, a removal of all ambition for quite some time, and living life with a large amount of insecurity.

For example; what happens if a single mum gets ill to a severity beyond say the flu? She's on her own and she isn't able to help herself, never mind her child. It happens, I had a difficult delivery and was dependent on my husband for two weeks. I don't have family to help me; how would a person cope in that situation?

Ellsbells

Walls my first is 9 months and I feel the same way as you but I still would not be without him even if it meant being a single mum with all the hard work that entails.

Walls

Ellsbells wrote: »

Walls my first is 9 months and I feel the same way as you but I still would not be without him even if it meant being a single mum with all the hard work that entails.

Yes, but if faced with the decision the OP is faced with, she should hear that it is not easy.

Taltos

All - while we understand this is an emotive issue PI is not a discussion board.
Keep your posts on topic and constructive to the OP or please don't post.

Thanks
Taltos

Morag

Why did you entitle the thread "Big Fat Positive"?
I am just curious as it's the terminology / lingo used on trying to conceive forums.

Gary The Gamer

Get ready for the long hard life of a single working mother. Relationships and any travel plans you might had are going to be near impossible.

estar

hi there

have you told anyone you trust - like older sister, friend

being a single mother is difficult but its not impossible, and being a mother is both rewarding and demanding.

the good thing about your situation is that although it might not feel like it, you are in control and you have choices.

the support of your family would be great were you either to proceed or to terminate.

no one is going to be able to really tell you how you will feel after a termination. some people feel relief and no regret. some people go through a grieving process, some people who dont get the proper support feel guilty. for many people it is a traumatic process. but also you would get over it in time.

being a mother is life changing. it is a great experience, but it will change everything.

my advice is as follows

- tell a trusted friend, or if supportive your parents. you are young, you need support. dont be afraid, just choose a person that cares about you and is non judgmental.

- whatever you decide, own the decision and dont look back. this is your life.

up for anything

GuestUser2012 wrote: »

loose the man I love (and it's real love, I'd do virtually anything for him)

Whatever the definition of real love is, it is certainly not where you would do virtually anything for the other person. That is, perhaps, a definition of infatuation and doesn't bode very well for the direction your relationship was travelling in.

You sound very young. Have you any neutral family that you can speak to about your predicament? Someone(s) who will let you talk and not try to sway you either way?

blatantrereg

I feel like I've been conned, I never thought he had this side to him! I never thought such a rational and educated man would be so downright cruel.

How is he being cruel? To me it sounds like he's just being rational. You perceive it as cruelty because you are being irrational.

its just 'a ball of cells' and that a brain dtermines who a person is, not a heart beat. He's told me because I've decided to have the baby that I'm taking his options away from him. Apparently I'm making a unilateral decision that will effect both of our lives

This is all true.

If I do what he says, I might never forgive myself and I certainly don't think I could stay with him knowing what he made me do.

He's not making you do anything. You're the one trying to force him to do something. He's begging you not to. If he doesn't want to be with you any more if you go through with it, then that's his prerogative.

It's not an unborn child inside you. It's a foetus. If it wasn't for the wonder of medical science, you wouldn't even know it was there. It doesn't exist as anything more than that except for in your imagination. It's not a person or an unborn baby. It's a clump of cells that might eventually develop into those things if you let it. Again you are lucky enough to live in a world where medical science allows you to prevent this happening - at what is clearly a non-ideal time.

Why do you feel you should have the decision about this? Pregnancy is a big thing to go through. But the fact is that it's only a small part of bringing a person into the world and raising them into an adult. You have the power to imposing that responsibility on someone you profess to love. You should be making certain that this is what he wants before you consider making that happen - not calling him names when they beg you not to.

Ellsbells

It does exist as a foetus which turns into an embryo and then a newborn, infant, toddler, child, teenager, man or woman and into the likes of you or I.... I'm very glad my mother didn't consider me just a few disposable cells when she was pregnant...

Op it is what you consider it to be and your bf is being very unfair.

estar

we are not going to solve the ball of cells versus baby argument here. the thing about having a baby is that for men, the baby isnt inside you. you dont feel the changes going on - a baby doesnt exist only in your imagination, there are chemical changes in your body attaching you to the ball of cells, changing your mind and body etc so even early on its quite an emotional experience

its very important that OP you speak to someone objective and also secondly someone who is supportive of you from your family and friends. that way you wont look back on a decision, and say - if only I had had more support things would be different

its a big shock to him and in such times things are said and done that maybe shouldnt be - as in he is putting a lot of emotional pressure on you - do what i want or its over.

he is older than you are -

GuestUser2012

Hello and thank you to everyone who replied.

Just as an update: I've decided to keep the baby, and he's finally accepted that its happening. He has been trying to get friendly with me but not for the sake of our relationship - he's worried what people in the office will think of him when they find out.

I'm treating him with complete indifference now and I'm moving on. When the baby comes, I really hope we can work together but right now I don't trust him anymore or his motives. The woman he cheated on me with previously is still hanging around and this just made me realise that time and time again this man is just going to keep disappointing me.

I'm closing off emotional ties, focusing on my job and planning for the baby. I've been an emotional firecracker lately and it has to stop. For me and for the babies sake.

To wrap up - to hell with him. If I can't rely on him now then I never will be able to and its a lucky escape.

It might suprise some of you to learn that I'm actually 26 and I had told my family. Despite what some of you have said about infatuation - I really did love him. I'm not saying it was a healthy love but love and kindness is all I ever showed him. He rewarded me by treating me like a common alley cat - between the cheating, begging me to take him back, and then this.

As for the ball of cells arguement - men simply CANNOT understand what it is like to have a baby inside you. Its wrong to say that science is the only reason that I know its there at all - you're wrong. Something prompted me into taking that test. For a week I got very ill. Fatigued, sick, dizzy. I was diagnosed with a reaction to tablets but apparently I had concieved early in that week and the doctor had no doubt that I was experiencing symptoms because my body recognised immediately that there were changes going on. It is rare but it does happen and it did happen to me. The sex dreams and sore breasts were a big giveaway too.
I just decided to wait for my period to show up instead of freaking myself out.

Those people who responded, your comments helped me in making the decision I have today and although I'm still hurting day to day, I'm now looking forward to dealing with the 'ball of cells' every day for the rest of my life.

Thank you all!

GuestUser2012

Estar - you're right. I'm 26 this man is 32. When he was 17 he and his gf found out she was pregnant.
She aborted and that was OK for her. For me I do not believe in abortion being a means of contraception and I told him so.

Ellsbells

Well done op on making such a firm decision. You seem to have him sussed.

Congrats on the pregnancy and see you over on the parenting forum

meeeeh

GuestUser2012 wrote: »

Estar - you're right. I'm 26 this man is 32. When he was 17 he and his gf found out she was pregnant.
She aborted and that was OK for her. For me I do not believe in abortion being a means of contraception and I told him so.

Good luck with your decision. It doesn't change anything but I thought your ex is 25 max. His reaction was extremely immature for somebody who is 32.

irishgirl19

Best of luck OP. I hope you Will be very happy and your baby Will make this all worthwhile :-)

Lantus

As a 37yr old dad to the most amazing little boy in the world I often think back to my live before and how I was adamant and outspoken about not just how I didnt want kids but how much I didnt like them. grubby little nuisances I said.

time changes your perspective on everything. If I could of had kids before now I wish I could of to an extent.

How does this help you?

Men can be ****s when it comes to having kids. We love our xboxes, sport and freedom. We dont really imagine beyond what we have now.

A career is a transient thing. For the first 20 years of your life you didn't really have one and for the last 30 years you'll be retired. Thats over half of your life when you wont be working yet people lett it dominate a decision like this. Its all about being caught up in the importance of a job. When I 'had' a job I worked 60 hours a week and put my life on hold. That company has now gone and to think I sacrificed something as important as a family because I got caught up in the economic hype is quite shameful.

Today its Ipods and carrer and getting out and living the life and being everything that the company wants you to be; but tomorrow its just you and your loved ones and what really matters.

Your both names on a spreadsheet that can be deleted in a second.

Do your best to determine what you want. Take some time and if your gut says then thats the best thing for you at this time. When you have that worked out then you need to inform your love of your decision. Everything else is incidental.

read more later posts. Best of luck with everything. you wont regret it except for losing a lifetimes sleep and sanity. Worth it for that smile though you'll know soon....

Ickle Magoo

GuestUser2012 wrote: »

Those people who responded, your comments helped me in making the decision I have today and although I'm still hurting day to day, I'm now looking forward to dealing with the 'ball of cells' every day for the rest of my life.

Thank you all!

As you don't require advice on the issue you posted about any more, I'll lock this thread.

Boards has a Parenting Forum, which includes a pregnancy and a babies forum which you might find a useful read.

All the very best OP. :cool: