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New roomies

  • 18-09-2012 4:32pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭


    Going to college and living with people I dont know. They are nice people, I can have a chat one on one and there is never any issues.

    Thing is they moved in before me and got to know each other one weekend, two of them are friends already and the others just seemed to have blended in with them. So when I go down to make coffee or some food or on any pretence to just be there (which are few as we have no tv and the only reason to be on the common area is to chat) they are like a group and talking and I have no idea how I can get in with them.

    I'm also a bit older than them and I have never been the type to make friends easy. I know these things take time and we will get to know each other over the year but the others seem to be forming a group and I'm gonna be left out as the oddball who keeps to himself.

    But then again maybe thats better than the oddball who keeps trying to join in where they aint wanted ? I dunno what to do really.


Comments

  • #2
    cafecolour
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,328 ✭✭✭cafecolour


    alkward wrote: »
    So when I go down to make coffee or some food or on any pretence to just be there (which are few as we have no tv and the only reason to be on the common area is to chat) they are like a group and talking and I have no idea how I can get in with them.

    You don't need a pretense to be in the common area - you live there! If they're in a group and talking, sit down with your coffee and join in the conversation. Don't feel like you have to make some amazing contribution to the conversation, just sit there and listen and join in if it feels natural.
    alkward wrote: »
    the others seem to be forming a group and I'm gonna be left out as the oddball who keeps to himself.

    That's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Don't keep to yourself then.


  • #3
    endacl
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,438 ✭✭✭✭endacl


    cafecolour wrote: »
    alkward wrote: »
    So when I go down to make coffee or some food or on any pretence to just be there (which are few as we have no tv and the only reason to be on the common area is to chat) they are like a group and talking and I have no idea how I can get in with them.

    You don't need a pretense to be in the common area - you live there! If they're in a group and talking, sit down with your coffee and join in the conversation. Don't feel like you have to make some amazing contribution to the conversation, just sit there and listen and join in if it feels natural.
    alkward wrote: »
    the others seem to be forming a group and I'm gonna be left out as the oddball who keeps to himself.

    That's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Don't keep to yourself then.
    ^^ Yep. What cafecolour said...


  • #4
    Taltos
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    endacl - welcome to PI/RI.
    Can I please direct you to our Charter. We ask all posters in this forum not to post unless you have something constructive to add. If you agree with a post here please use the thanks button, do not post as you have done above as this can earn you a warning/infraction/ban.

    Thanks
    Taltos

    As per the forum: Questioning a mod action in a thread in the Personal Issues forum is considered off topic and unhelpful posting and may result in a ban from the forum.


  • #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    cafecolour wrote: »
    You don't need a pretense to be in the common area - you live there! If they're in a group and talking, sit down with your coffee and join in the conversation. Don't feel like you have to make some amazing contribution to the conversation, just sit there and listen and join in if it feels natural.

    That easy to say but for someone who doesnt blend in easy its very hard to do things like that. And I havent avoided it completely, I have tried and sat down with my coffee and listened and tried to join in but I'm not a naturally chatty person and it ends up a little awkward. And if I dont have a pretence to be there a lot of the time it will simply be sitting in silence with me unable to contribute as the conversations are not that general and eventually everyone going silent until I get so uncomfortable I have to leave.
    That's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Don't keep to yourself then.

    I'm not keeping to myself I just cant figure out how not to be left out when they are in a group. One on one I can chat away and I'll start conversations, I'll make an effort and they are nice people, I seem to get on ok with them. But in group situations its just so hard to join in as I always feeling like I am interrupting them or I am trying to force my way into the group.


  • #6
    snafuk35
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 833 ✭✭✭snafuk35


    alkward wrote: »
    Going to college and living with people I dont know. They are nice people, I can have a chat one on one and there is never any issues.

    Thing is they moved in before me and got to know each other one weekend, two of them are friends already and the others just seemed to have blended in with them. So when I go down to make coffee or some food or on any pretence to just be there (which are few as we have no tv and the only reason to be on the common area is to chat) they are like a group and talking and I have no idea how I can get in with them.

    I'm also a bit older than them and I have never been the type to make friends easy. I know these things take time and we will get to know each other over the year but the others seem to be forming a group and I'm gonna be left out as the oddball who keeps to himself.

    But then again maybe thats better than the oddball who keeps trying to join in where they aint wanted ? I dunno what to do really.

    Just be polite. A cheerful "How are ye?" when you walk in and "Good luck now" when you leave.
    Make friends outside of the house, go out with girls and do your college work and leave the others in the house at it. If the others want to chat to you, chat to them but if you don't like them all together well then make yourself scarce. To break the ice you could always go for pints with them or go clubbing or play a kick about in any park that is nearby. But if not just don't spend as much time in their company. What's the point? Why do you have this desire to be liked anyway? Just chill out.


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  • #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    snafuk35 wrote: »
    Just be polite. A cheerful "How are ye?" when you walk in and "Good luck now" when you leave.
    Make friends outside of the house, go out with girls and do your college work and leave the others in the house at it. If the others want to chat to you, chat to them but if you don't like them all together well then make yourself scarce. To break the ice you could always go for pints with them or go clubbing or play a kick about in any park that is nearby. But if not just don't spend as much time in their company. What's the point? Why do you have this desire to be liked anyway? Just chill out.

    I think everyone has a desire to be liked but I'm not so much concerned about what they think about me as how to have a friendly relationship with them. I'd like to be friends with them, be able to relax in their company and have a laugh as I'll be living with them for a while. Plus it should be a lot easier to befriend them than others who I wont be spending near as much time with. Which doesnt lessen the anxiety surrounding it.

    As for the going out with girls, all fine in an ideal world but I cant even chat to my fcukin roomates. My love life wont be brimming with excitement.

    Maybe something will happen where we will all go out or something and I'll fall into the group. Just seems to be heading the opposite direction at the moment.


  • #8
    endacl
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,438 ✭✭✭✭endacl


    alkward wrote: »
    Maybe something will happen where we will all go out or something and I'll fall into the group. Just seems to be heading the opposite direction at the moment.
    You could instigate this. If you're all new to a new place (granted, they were in a little bit ahead of you), perhaps some sort of housewarming event to mark the start of living together? Doesn't have to be a humungous party where you feel even more left out. Maybe cook a meal together and head out to the local for a few drinks?


  • #9
    snafuk35
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 833 ✭✭✭snafuk35


    alkward wrote: »
    I think everyone has a desire to be liked but I'm not so much concerned about what they think about me as how to have a friendly relationship with them.

    You are coming across as desperate like as if you don't make friends with these strangers basically its the end of the world. What do you care?
    I'd like to be friends with them, be able to relax in their company and have a laugh as I'll be living with them for a while. Plus it should be a lot easier to befriend them than others who I wont be spending near as much time with. Which doesnt lessen the anxiety surrounding it.

    Why should there be anxiety? Chill out and stop trying to hard. People notice when people are trying too hard. It's annoying and that's why you can push people way. When you stop trying and stop giving a f*ck what other people think of you it actually gets easier.
    As for the going out with girls, all fine in an ideal world but I cant even chat to my fcukin roomates. My love life wont be brimming with excitement.

    You are spending too much time think "I must make friends" and "I must be good with girls". Is anyone watching the clock except you? Nobody is going to be watching you. You don't need permission from anyone to do what you want to do. If you like a girl just go up and talk to her and if she tell you to f*ck off it should be water off a duck's back. Live your life and don't give a toss about embarrassment.:D
    Maybe something will happen where we will all go out or something and I'll fall into the group.

    Fall out of the group? Cannot you not enjoy your own company? Why do you need to be in any group? Be happy in yourself. Don't be afraid to be rude and loud and raise hell. Be a laugh and people will want to be around you.
    Just seems to be heading the opposite direction at the moment.

    Stop worrying. Enjoy being a loner who doesn't have to conform to the group. Be your own person.:) Make fun for yourself and don't be tied down by anybody.


  • #10
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    snafuk35 wrote: »
    You are coming across as desperate like as if you don't make friends with these strangers basically its the end of the world. What do you care?

    I care because I'm here for the next 10 months, I'll be spending a lot of time in this place and I'd like to be friendly with those who live here. How is that coming across as desperate ?
    Why should there be anxiety? Chill out and stop trying to hard. People notice when people are trying too hard. It's annoying and that's why you can push people way. When you stop trying and stop giving a f*ck what other people think of you it actually gets easier.

    There is no switch I can flip to chill out and stop being anxious. I'm anxious because this is all new to me and I over analyse every situation. If I could just decide to not give a fcuk I would but unfortunately I cant, I'm not that type of person.
    You are spending too much time think "I must make friends" and "I must be good with girls". Is anyone watching the clock except you? Nobody is going to be watching you. You don't need permission from anyone to do what you want to do. If you like a girl just go up and talk to her and if she tell you to f*ck off it should be water off a duck's back. Live your life and don't give a toss about embarrassment.:D

    I dont think I'm spending too much time thinking those things. I dont think the world will collapse if I dont make friends and hook up with a girl. These things will happen as they happen and I'm not worried about being embarrassed. My problem is the finer details in regards to getting along with the others I live with, thats why I posted here. I'm asking for advice of getting along better with them and not getting being left out.
    Fall out of the group? Cannot you not enjoy your own company? Why do you need to be in any group? Be happy in yourself. Don't be afraid to be rude and loud and raise hell. Be a laugh and people will want to be around you.

    Fall into the group, as in just become a part of it after getting to know everyone in a group situation like a party or whatever. I'm not afraid to raise hell or be rude, I'm just not a loud or rude person. Again, you cant just decide to be a laugh, if I did I'm sure I would come across as very desperate. And again I dont need to be in the group I think my time here would be better if I wasnt outside it.
    Stop worrying. Enjoy being a loner who doesn't have to conform to the group. Be your own person.:) Make fun for yourself and don't be tied down by anybody.

    I've been a loner for many many years, there is a limit to the fun you can have on your own. I dont feel any need to conform or not to conform. I have started college, I am living with new people and I'd like to have a good experience while here and that will be helped by making friends with those around me. I'm not worried about being a loner, as I said I am comfortable in my own company and with my own thoughts. But staying that way in a place like college will seriously reduce the experience you can have.

    But what will happen in a broader sense will happen. I'm only really concerned about the living situation. But perhaps that will all get better in time too.


  • #11
    Missy Moo Moo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 238 ✭✭Missy Moo Moo


    Hi OP,

    I would tend to agree with Snafuk and cafecolour here. You don't have to bring anything earth shattering to the conversations, just take an interest in what they're saying/ watching on tv etc. If they're also students, can't you find a common ground to talk about? Ask them about their courses, that type of thing?

    Try not to be defeatist about it, I know you feel it's hard to make friends but college is when most people start to discover who they really are/ come out of their shells. Some people are confident from a young age and make friends easily. But for a lot of people, college is when they really come into their own. So embrace it!

    Even if you don't manage to break into this group of housemates and feel like a bit of an outsider, not to worry- there'll be plenty of other opportunities to make friends in college.

    When you look back at these years, do you want to remember being someone who put themselves out there and made friends or someone who stressed about talking to their housemates? When you push yourself out of your comfort zone, your confidence grows from it.

    It's as simple as offering them a cup of tea!

    Best of luck OP and enjoy your college years, if you let yourself you will have a ball!


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