Heartbroken

MeadowLane

I joined here so I could talk - I feel so low
I have a one year old and her dad left after meeting someone new - we had been together for over a decade
I am just heartbroken for my child, I don't understand how a parent can walk out and I feel he is putting this new girl before his own child
I just wish I didn't care but I have to look at him when he does come to visit
I also worry he will have his girlfriend around my baby - I think my baby is to young to be meeting her..I think it would be confusing
I can't imagine leaving my child or putting a man before her
I wish I could see light at the end of the tunnell but every time I see him I am filled with rage
I feel I left my child down because she doesn't have a proper dad
I am getting more and more depressed and find it so hard parenting on my own

LegacyUser

Meadow lane
I know you are going through a bad period at the moment.
I would tell him that you don't want his girlfriend around your child.
You did not let your child down as it is not your fault that he went off with someone else.
That was his decision but at some time in the future he may realise that he has been a stupid idiot.
Do you have friends that you could meet up with when he is minding the child as it is important that you have someone to talk to at the moment. Also you need to have a brake from the baby to relax and to build up your own life as your baby will grow up and it is important for you to have your own life beyond the baby.
You need to eat well, go for walks and look after your physical and mental health as your baby needs you to be this way so you can give them a good life.
I would go to your doctor and ask them to do blood tests in case you are run down as this will make you feel bad. Also they may be able to arrange counseling or anti depression tablets if they feel you need these.
Good Luck

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I'm going unregged for this. I've had your thread in my head since I saw it yesterday. I want to give you another perspective on all this- that of your child's.

My mother was in a situation like yours, her relationship with my dad ended when I was one year old. There is no ideal time to break up if you have a child but if it happens, there probably is no better time, strange as it may seem. I have a friend whose parents broke up when she was 12/13- she carries a lot more pain/trauma than I do. I don't remember anything! Your child will know no different as she grows older- she'll know mammy and daddy don't live together and that's always the way it's been. So please don't worry about traumatising your child.

I know you can't understand why anyone would abandon their child, but he isn't. Presumably he wants access and is visiting?

Again, I can only imagine how you're feeling, I have never been in a long-term relationship, and you must be hurting so so much. But this is the new normal. Draw your family and support systems around you. Chat with your public health nurse. Things have moved on so much in this country- when my mother had me the public health nurse was a nun! :O

I want to give you some advice in the future that will benefit your child.

I know right now you want to smack him in the face everytime he visits, but he is her father. You have to maintain a civil relationship with him for her sake. This is the most important thing to remember. Children whose parents roar, scream, and manipulate suffer way more than children whose parents separate amicably. I know this is easier said than done.

I wonder if you are stressing about the new girlf because he left you for her? Generally I would advise not to let the child around her until you are sure it is serious, but she is one year old. How confused can she get? Children are very adaptable, they just take things at face value and don't question things. But if he does split up with this woman, don't let him introduce her to any future partners without a distance of around 6 months. Same to you, although I know dating again is the last thing on your mind.

I was lucky as my mother never had a problem with my dad's new partner and I loved her to bits. But I never ever thought of her as my mother- I had one mother.

Please, please, don't feel that you are letting your child down. Despite all the grief single parents get in our society, those of us who have been raised by a single parent know the sterling work that they do and how hard it is. Society has moved on a lot. When I was in primary school, there were only two in my class, including myself, that were being raised by a single parent. When I went to secondary school, the number went up, and in college, everyone's parents seemed to be separated. No-one had a specific problem or issue arising from that. I've met people with two happily married parents who are completely batty.

I'm not going to lie to you. Things will be tough, for you and your child. But who's to say things wouldn't be tough if you and your partner stayed together?

I would advise you to draw on the support of your family and friends. Like Fab Lady said, meet up with your friends or do something that you enjoy when he has the baby. You need to have a life too.

Do go to your GP or public health nurse and tell them how you're feeling. They might be able to help with counselling. Even one or two sessions could help so much. I would also advise you to write a long letter to your ex, everything you want to say, every bad thought in your head. Then tear it up.

Time will heal x

Merkin

As a temporary measure do you think you could arrange for one of his parents to pick up your baby on visits so you won't actually have to look at him or deal with him? You mention a couple of times that the actual sight of him upsets you and annoys you which is prefectly understandable so maybe not having to see him may actually start the ball rolling when it comes to the healing process. Would this be possible? Alternatively could one of your friends be with you at collect and pick up time so you don't have to interact with him?

nowyouresix

OP: firstly, you are not the one who has let your child down, remember that. You are the one picking up the pieces, and it's hard to keep your chin up at the early stages, when you can barely keep yourself together. Believe me, it gets easier. My ex husband left when my kids were 5, 2.5 and 1.5. I used to cry for them, for me, for the whole scenario....and tbh I needed to. You've got to let your grief out somehow. I know how hard it is, seeing your child not having her dad, it is heartbreaking, but as another poster said, it is better he did it now. Sometimes you think you can't do it, get through it, get over it.....Never underestimate your own resilience, nor that of your child.
Things may be a fog for you right now, and if you feel down then go to your gp. Honestly, sometimes I'd just go to my gp and have a chat, they are fab, and can point you in the right direction as to counselling and that. Accept help....sometimes that is really hard too.
I hope you get through this hard time.
You will come out the other side xxxx
Best of luck.

Roisy7

Merkin wrote: »

As a temporary measure do you think you could arrange for one of his parents to pick up your baby on visits so you won't actually have to look at him or deal with him? You mention a couple of times that the actual sight of him upsets you and annoys you which is prefectly understandable so maybe not having to see him may actually start the ball rolling when it comes to the healing process. Would this be possible? Alternatively could one of your friends be with you at collect and pick up time so you don't have to interact with him?

I don't know if this would be the best solution as it's putting off the inevitable.

They're going to have to be around each other for the next 18 years at least, so perhaps they should get over meeting each other now.