Progressing and not...

LegacyUser

My gf and I are in our late 20's. She's been out of work a few years and entering a second year of a four year course. We're not flush with money. I'm not on the best of wages. She's a poor student now for 3 more years.

She wants our relationship to progress in terms of marriage and kids etc. I don't see how we can progress much in the next few years?

Opening myself up for criticism: I think I've been patient and understanding that she needs to go back to college. I'd like our relationship to progress naturally and want us to but I cannot see how we can at this time. No matter how much I communicate this to her, she continues to go on.

I am baffled by this. I know women have biological clocks etc. and that a woman's view is different. Surely at the same time though, there has to be balance and understanding of circumstances.

I see her college education as stifling our relationship. We're not able to enjoy life a bit more even in these recessionary times. I think I've been understanding of that and patient about that. It comes across as a bit rich to me to be considered as being against progression when it's not practical from where we are.

Totally baffled I am which is why I must be posting this on here. Help, advice and input is most welcome.

MeadowLane

It looks like a combination of age and watching all your friends progress and she wants something to change
I see your point of view - you don't have money for engagement etc
do you want to get married to her at some point?
Maybe if she knew you wanted it but when she is finished college as she has plenty to focus on and anything else would distract her

LegacyUser

"do you want to get married to her at some point?
Maybe if she knew you wanted it but when she is finished college as she has plenty to focus on and anything else would distract her"

I do and we have spoken about it. I'm not going to mess her around. I know she wants more. We've been together for a few years. Patience is the problem from where I am. She wants things now. If she was working we probably could but she's chosen college. There are responsibilities with that I'd like her to take.

She's being unrealistic, and in my opinion, selfish.

You can't afford a child right now.

Money is of course the main issue, in that you can't afford a child at the moment (a fact which should really settle the argument by itself). But you also can't afford the time to have a child right now. Does your girlfriend really think that she'll be able to go through the next year of college pregnant? Does she think you (the only person in the family with a job) will be able to mind the child or afford childcare while she's in her third and final years? So far she's only gotten through first year, is she prepared for the upcoming all-nighters she'll be doing when assignments are due, or the stress around exams in the last two years? By your final year college can become 24/7, in college during the day and studying/finishing assignments at night. How on earth will she be able for that with a baby? Even if we assume that she doesn't end up putting an unfair proportion of the work on you, and that she manages to juggle college, a lack of enough financing, and a baby, is that really how she wants to experience the first few years of motherhood? The vast majority of mothers I know are mad for babies, and are very nostalgic of those first few years. Does your girlfriend really want to spend those most precious moments under such stressful circumstances?

I think you're definitely the clear headed one at the moment, and all I can really offer you is the agreement that I think you're in the right and the advice that you should certainly stand your ground.

strandroad

Do you have any family help at all, or us it just the two of you? In fairness to her, when she starts working she won't be able to have a baby either. You'd have to wait out two years for her to graduate and then possibly another two or so for her to find a job and settle well in it, she'll be over 30 and female fertility should not be taken for granted.

I have a friend in a similar situation and they decided to have a baby now as she will be better placed to do it while in college then afterwards. They also think that it will be better for her to work when the child will be of creche/preschool age and the real expenses begin. Her OH has a fairly decent job though and their family will help out with childcare throughout hrr college.

So depending on your plans, commitment,health etc it may actually make sense. Have you discussed family duties though, would she be expecting you to be a sole provider during her pregnancy and caring for the baby? Or do you need and agreed to aim for two incomes before you start planning? If she expects you to provide during that period maybe this is where she's coming from.

LegacyUser

Your both in your late 20's and at the moment you are the only one working.
I think that she is being very unfair on you wanting your relationship to progress when she is a student and your not earning a great wage.
You have told us that you understand why she had to go back to college.
Are you helping her money wise with college in the hope she will get a better job long term?
I have known couples who supported each other when one was in college but they know it would benefit them long term.

I would explain to her that as you are the only person working that you are not in a position to progress the relationship. I would tell her that you would like to progress the relationship but that due to financial reasons it will not happen for a few years.
I would say to her that once she finish college and get a job that you will both be in a position to save for a wedding, children ect.
I would also tell her that as she is not working you that you are not are having the holidays or social life your friends are currently having but that you are willing to help her with college so she can get a good job at the end of this. If she keeps going on to you about getting engage/married I would end the relationship.
Every couple has to have give and take in a relationship but it you end up doing all the giving at this stage she will keep walking all over you.

LegacyUser

fab lady wrote: »

Your both in your late 20's and at the moment you are the only one working.
I think that she is being very unfair on you wanting your relationship to progress when she is a student and your not earning a great wage.
You have told us that you understand why she had to go back to college.
Are you helping her money wise with college in the hope she will get a better job long term?
I have known couples who supported each other when one was in college but they know it would benefit them long term.

I would explain to her that as you are the only person working that you are not in a position to progress the relationship. I would tell her that you would like to progress the relationship but that due to financial reasons it will not happen for a few years.
I would say to her that once she finish college and get a job that you will both be in a position to save for a wedding, children ect.
I would also tell her that as she is not working you that you are not are having the holidays or social life your friends are currently having but that you are willing to help her with college so she can get a good job at the end of this. If she keeps going on to you about getting engage/married I would end the relationship.
Every couple has to have give and take in a relationship but it you end up doing all the giving at this stage she will keep walking all over you.

I've helped a bit but when she has wanted to go back to college my feeling has been she needs to be able to fund her way through which she can.

Thanks for your reply. I have advised her I'm the only one working, we both need to be working some time. I've also told her I do want to progress and outlined how current circumstances with her being in college will mean we push things back.

Your right about give and take. From my point of view, I'm being patient due to her being back in college. There won't be anyone walking over anyone. It's great she wants to be back in college to improve herself but she has to accept the responsibilities that go with it.

Ever2010

You can get married for €150, so you could do that over the next year (unless you want something more fancy!).

You could also start trying for a baby at the end of her final college year - if things go well then you could have your baby after that. If you're used to living on one wage then this won't be an issue if one of you works and the other stays at home with the baby.

It just depends on what you want - would you like a year or so of having two incomes and a great social life/holidays etc... well maybe put the kids off for 5 years or whatever.

There might never be a time when you think that you have enough money for a family.

Sleepy

Ever2010 wrote: »

You can get married for €150, so you could do that over the next year (unless you want something more fancy!).

While that sounds well and good, in reality the amount of girls who would want such a wedding or wouldn't be disappointed not to have the big white wedding is minuscule. It's highly unlikely the OP's girlfriend is one of these (especially considering her lack of maturity on the topic to-date).

OP, would a long engagement be an acceptable compromise to you? She gets the reassurance that you're in for the long haul (and the ability to show the ring to her friends, enjoy the attention of the increased social standing etc.) while you get to agree a time-line where the wedding takes place a year or two after she's in employment?

LegacyUser

Sleepy wrote: »

While that sounds well and good, in reality the amount of girls who would want such a wedding or wouldn't be disappointed not to have the big white wedding is minuscule. It's highly unlikely the OP's girlfriend is one of these (especially considering her lack of maturity on the topic to-date).

OP, would a long engagement be an acceptable compromise to you? She gets the reassurance that you're in for the long haul (and the ability to show the ring to her friends, enjoy the attention of the increased social standing etc.) while you get to agree a time-line where the wedding takes place a year or two after she's in employment?

I don't like talk of weddings, babies etc. I'm for all when the time is right but I guess like a lot of guys it a non-topic!

Thanks for your response Sleepy. If I'm to ask a question I will if and when I feel the time is right. I'm sure it should be for the right reasons at the right time? Not just putting another block in place in a relationship.

At the end of the day as I see it, she had a hard few years ahead in college. With her decision to go to college, other aspirations can't but be further down the line.

strandroad

Mossy Mar wrote: »

I don't like talk of weddings, babies etc. I'm for all when the time is right but I guess like a lot of guys it a non-topic!

Thanks for your response Sleepy. If I'm to ask a question I will if and when I feel the time is right. I'm sure it should be for the right reasons at the right time? Not just putting another block in place in a relationship.

At the end of the day as I see it, she had a hard few years ahead in college. With her decision to go to college, other aspirations can't but be further down the line.

There is nothing stopping anyone from marrying while in college, not to mention getting engaged. Expenses are purely optional in both cases (unlike in the case of having a baby).

I don't think your problem is that your girlfriend is in college, I think that you are just not on the same page at all with regard to where your relationship is. She thinks you're steady and fully committed, ready to have a baby, but you are not ready to even propose. You seem very defensive about the proposal; I have a feeling that you just don't want to commit to her fully, not now, maybe not ever.

I agree that her college makes it unreasonable to "progress" your relationship as in to have a baby, but it is not an obstacle to "progress" as in to get engaged/married; this obstacle is purely in your head and if I were you I would face it and make your decisions from there. You make it sound as if by choosing college she chose to put your relationship on hold and has to bear consequences; there is no relation between the two.

Ever2010

Mossy Mar wrote: »

I don't like talk of weddings, babies etc. I'm for all when the time is right but I guess like a lot of guys it a non-topic!

If I'm to ask a question I will if and when I feel the time is right.

At the end of the day as I see it, she had a hard few years ahead in college. With her decision to go to college, other aspirations can't but be further down the line.

But it's not just about you! It seems to me that perhaps you want completely different things.

Did she know when choosing to go back to college that marriage/babies etc was off the cards?

I think you both need to sit down and talk about what you both want - and where you can compromise, if you can.

LegacyUser

Ever2010 wrote: »

But it's not just about you! It seems to me that perhaps you want completely different things.

Did she know when choosing to go back to college that marriage/babies etc was off the cards?

I think you both need to sit down and talk about what you both want - and where you can compromise, if you can.

We don't want different tings but people are right that I'm not ready to ask any question but I'm not putting off. Everyone's situation and view is different I guess but I have talked about it. I wouldn't mess someone around if they want something I don't.

She knew it would put off certain moves if she went back. Her sister actually asked her how I felt about her going back to college. She herself, my gf's sister, seemed to be of the view it was putting things back as well and was asking her how I felt.

Sleepy

mhge wrote: »

There is nothing stopping anyone from marrying while in college, not to mention getting engaged. Expenses are purely optional in both cases (unlike in the case of having a baby).

I don't think your problem is that your girlfriend is in college, I think that you are just not on the same page at all with regard to where your relationship is. She thinks you're steady and fully committed, ready to have a baby, but you are not ready to even propose. You seem very defensive about the proposal; I have a feeling that you just don't want to commit to her fully, not now, maybe not ever.

I agree that her college makes it unreasonable to "progress" your relationship as in to have a baby, but it is not an obstacle to "progress" as in to get engaged/married; this obstacle is purely in your head and if I were you I would face it and make your decisions from there. You make it sound as if by choosing college she chose to put your relationship on hold and has to bear consequences; there is no relation between the two.

Now be fair, if he's the only one earning a salary it makes an engagement ring harder for him to buy (presuming he's already covering some of her costs already e.g. bringing her out when she couldn't otherwise afford to / holidays etc.) and a normal wedding is a very expensive thing that, generally, requires two to save for.

She's chosen to live cheaply for a few years to further her education, it wouldn't be right for her to expect him to pay for a wedding by himself: even if he wanted to get married right away.

And lets be honest: there are very, very, very few Irish women who are prepared to do the €150 registry office wedding. To assume the OP's other half is one of them is simply disingenuous.

That said, Mossy Mar, you need to get over the nonsense about not wanting to talk about weddings and babies. It's a real issue for women and your girlfriend deserves to know where she stands. An "I'll propose when I feel like it" isn't really good enough, she needs some kind of time-line. As in: "if things are still going as well as they are between us, I'll be happy to propose within 2/3 years of X with a view to starting a family by the time we're aged Y".

A woman's fertility doesn't last forever and many couples face real problems by leaving it too late for whatever reason. Realistically, if you're not prepared to have your kids before the age of 35, you must accept that you may never have them because you've left it so late to do so. Our biology and our social norms are diverging on this: we all want to be "young and carefree" for longer but a woman's ability to conceive really only has a 10-15 year window where it's likely to be trouble-free and it's during her late teens and twenties that this window exists.

strandroad

To be fair, we don't know either way. If she requires an expensive "three salaries at least" diamond ring and the whole shebang then she is not reasonable but if all she'd like is a proposal I can't see how college can interfere with this in any way - it's not even the wedding we are talking about at this stage, just commitment.

People get engaged in college all the time, especially mature students like she is, so OP's reluctance to "progressing" really has nothing to do with college at all. His choice of words is also very passive aggressive, as if he was using her choice to go back to college as a crutch to justify that she needs to bear the consequences of him withholding "progress", while there seems to be a great reluctance to commitment on his side and a great need for this on hers.

Forget the college, sort out your communication and where you're both heading first.

dannyc31

don't like talk of weddings, babies etc. I'm for all when the time is right but I guess like a lot of guys it a non-topic!

Thanks for your response Sleepy. If I'm to ask a question I will if and when I feel the time is right. I'm sure it should be for the right reasons at the right time? Not just putting another block in place in a relationship.

At the end of the day as I see it, she had a hard few years ahead in college. With her decision to go to college, other aspirations can't but be further down the line.

OP ok a couple of things here. firstly how long are you two together? secondly what exactly is she doing in college? i ask that because it is relevant to how serious she is about getting a further education to better her prospects of getting a good career. this is suspicious to me because if she is studying a good career focused course like accountantcy, science, IT, business etc then it seems odd that she would be even contemplating having a baby now. how would she expect to look after a new born and try build a meaningful career because i'm afraid in the real world its one or the other. this is a difficult thing to except for many women but those women who do realize this, do often put off motherhood until they have established a meaningful career. i'm not saying thats how it should be i'm just saying thats the real world.

so i guess what i'm saying is, you need to talk to her about alot of things. is she really serious about getting a degree for the benefit of getting a job and building a career for the next 2 or 3 years? if the answer is yes, how would she be expecting to afford the child care of a new baby or is she suggesting you would be the stay at home father? is it actually the marriage and kids she really wants and the college course is just a distraction for now just to give her some sense of doing something with her life?

it also doesnt help that you are stone-walling her when she brings up the topic of marriage & kids. yes you're right most men do this, but they really shouldnt. you need to realize how important a subject this is to most women and of coarse there is the whole issue of the biological clock. by stone-walling her she cant even be sure its what you want one day, so as someone else said above you need to re-assure her that you do want to marry her one day soon and give some sort of time line and that you do want to have children.

theres also a saying thou "theres never a right time to have a baby" but imo there is definitely a wrong time. in this case i dont think its the right time until you two sit down and have a serious talk about everything above to make sure you are both on the same page.

strandroad

dannyc31 wrote: »

OP ok a couple of things here. firstly how long are you two together? secondly what exactly is she doing in college? i ask that because it is relevant to how serious she is about getting a further education to better her prospects of getting a good career. this is suspicious to me because if she is studying a good career focused course like accountantcy, science, IT, business etc then it seems odd that she would be even contemplating having a baby now. how would she expect to look after a new born and try build a meaningful career because i'm afraid in the real world its one or the other. this is a difficult thing to except for many women but those women who do realize this, do often put off motherhood until they have established a meaningful career. i'm not saying thats how it should be i'm just saying thats the real world.

Actually it may be the other way round, like in the case of my friend I described above. She wants to work professionally and they decided that it will be much easier for her to work when the child is of creche/preschool age than to start working and then have a baby, which means putting her barely fledged career on hold and dealing with a newborn then. If you put having the baby off until your career is well developed you may end up not having any if you time it too late. It's not an unreasonable idea at all, but requires the level of financial support and possibly family help that the OP and his OH do not seem to have, at least from his point of view.

a fat guy

She probably should have thought of all this before going to college instead of lumping you with a very difficult decision.

Yeah, you could say that it's not all about OP... But it's not all about her either. There are two sides to this argument and OP's mind tells him that it's not a good idea to provide for a marriage, a college education and a kid on one income. That's not selfish, it's common sense.

And if she's worried about her biological clock, then why in the name of god did she think that it was a good idea to jump into college instead of just having a kid to take up her spare time instead?

OP, you have your work cut out for you, hahahaha!

Good luck and god bless!