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comedy script

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  • 17-09-2012 9:15pm
    #1
    kd101
    Registered Users Posts: 29 ✭


    Hey folks,

    You'll probably see if you look at my history that I posted some script extracts a few years back. Well life moved on a bit and obviously I never made any effort to do much more writing.

    However, in the last while I've just finished a spec comedy feature screenplay. I'm going to make an effort to get this read and get some feedack. Instead of posting it here I'm just going to post the synopsis below and if you're curious please PM me and I can email it over (or write below and I'll PM you). Also if someone wants to do a swap (read and feedback each others - more than happy).

    Grateful for any feedback. I literally wrote the synopsis below in the last few minutes, so it likely will get totally re-written before I bombard people with query letters.

    ______________________________________________

    I wish to submit my feature length comedy screenplay, Eggy, to you for consideration.


    When a rescued laboratory chicken lays a golden egg, brother and sister; Karen and Stephen Cardigan, scheme to sell the golden egg in the pursuit of great wealth. They discover that selling a golden egg is more trouble than you’d think.


    The dream of owning a chicken that lays a golden egg is as old as time. This dream goes sour. After Eggy lays the golden egg a series of understandable, but misguided decisions result in... a tale that is very funny.


    I am a [removed personal bits]
    A great comic screenwriter said you should aim for 2 laughs per page. Eggy exceeds this target.


    Thank you for your time and consideration. Please let me know if you would like to read the full screenplay and I’ll get you a copy immediately.


Comments

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    #2
    pickarooney
    Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 35,185 Mod ✭✭✭✭pickarooney


    With two yolks a page, this eggcedes all eggspectations?

    You mention the golden egg five times in two lines, which is a bit eggcessive.


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    #3
    kd101
    Registered Users Posts: 29 ✭kd101


    I'm posting the first 10 pages.

    Thing is it doesn't even mention the golden egg. It comes later - that may need to change.


  • Options
    #4
    baalthor
    Registered Users Posts: 1,241 ✭✭✭baalthor


    Wasn't it traditionally the goose who layed the golden egg ?


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    #5
    Gryphonboy
    Registered Users Posts: 91 ✭✭Gryphonboy


    an egg in the hand is good for the gander.


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    #6
    AnonoBoy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,559 ✭✭✭✭AnonoBoy


    You need a logline.

    That synopsis is very vague. All I get from it is that a brother and sister try to sell a golden egg.
    a series of understandable, but misguided decisions result in... a tale that is very funny.

    Give the reader some idea what these decisions are and where they lead to. Don't say it's very funny - you've already told them it's a comedy script, it should be very funny and it seems a bit redundant to state it. Also I'd leave out the bit about Eggy exceeding the 2 laughs per page quota.

    The script seems a bit all over the shop for those 10 pages. Why not start with the incident instead of hearing someone describe it - as I was reading it all I was thinking was 'Why am I hearing a character tell me about this when I could be seeing it happen?'


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