Need non judgemental advice on a controversial issue

MaryMak39

This may cause controversy but I am going to say it anyway as it is on mind mind for years and will be for the rest of my life.

I have made some terrible inhumane decision in the past few years that I regret deeply and would give anything to change. I am 22 but When I was 18 I had a termination at 16 weeks. My BF was unsupportive saying I would ruin his life etc so I eventually done it. I fell pregnant straight after and had a miscarriage. I got pregnant again a year and a half later but couldnt go through with it again. With a new bf 2 years ago again he wanted me to go and was unsupportive. So yes I went. I feel so bad and I am terrified about the person I have turned out to me and the impact it will have on my future. I feel sick every day for what I have done and would give anything to go back. Can any one please offer some non judgemental advice?

Hi OP
I've moved this to the personal issues forum for you as it is better suited to here.

Ickle Magoo

Posts deleted.

The OP is looking for NON-JUDGEMENTAL advice.

Abortion is always an emotive topic so if you feel you cannot offer civil and non-judgemental advice - please do not post in this thread or you will earn yourself an infraction/ban.

Cheers

If you wish to discuss this moderator warning, please do so ONLY via PM

surewhoknows

Get professional counselling. Nothing anybody says here is going to get you through the emotional and mental torment you're experiencing.

Sound Bite

None of us can change our past so in order to move forward you must accept that.

Hindsight is a great thing and while you may have regrets now, you made decisions which, rightly or wrongly, were the decisions you felt you had to make at the time.

You are now older and wiser and presumably not going to allow yourself get into a similiar situation again.

2 decisons that you regret does not make you a bad person.

As you are having trouble dealing with this issue, perhaps you should get some counselling. It may help clear your head and allow you come to terms with it. Best of luck.

Seren_

MaryMak39 wrote: »

This may cause controversy but I am going to say it anyway as it is on mind mind for years and will be for the rest of my life.

I have made some terrible inhumane decision in the past few years that I regret deeply and would give anything to change. I am 22 but When I was 18 I had a termination at 16 weeks. My BF was unsupportive saying I would ruin his life etc so I eventually done it. I fell pregnant straight after and had a miscarriage. I got pregnant again a year and a half later but couldnt go through with it again. With a new bf 2 years ago again he wanted me to go and was unsupportive. So yes I went. I feel so bad and I am terrified about the person I have turned out to me and the impact it will have on my future. I feel sick every day for what I have done and would give anything to go back. Can any one please offer some non judgemental advice?

Please don't think you are an terrible person. More people than you realise have been in a similar situation to you - things happen that are out of our control and we do what we think is best for us at the time. I really would suggest you get some counselling to help you accept what has happened. Accepting something doesn't necessarily mean you agree with it, just that it happened. Good luck xx

stop animal cruelty

MaryMak39 wrote: »

This may cause controversy but I am going to say it anyway as it is on mind mind for years and will be for the rest of my life.

I have made some terrible inhumane decision in the past few years that I regret deeply and would give anything to change. I am 22 but When I was 18 I had a termination at 16 weeks. My BF was unsupportive saying I would ruin his life etc so I eventually done it. I fell pregnant straight after and had a miscarriage. I got pregnant again a year and a half later but couldnt go through with it again. With a new bf 2 years ago again he wanted me to go and was unsupportive. So yes I went. I feel so bad and I am terrified about the person I have turned out to me and the impact it will have on my future. I feel sick every day for what I have done and would give anything to go back. Can any one please offer some non judgemental advice?

please get some counselling ASAP, it will help you alot. You are not a bad/terrible person & you are not alone.

On the Ray D'arcy show last week they were talking to women who had abortions etc, go onto their website & download the podcast, it might be some help to you.

You seem to have been through so much but you can come out of this.

Take care of yourself.

njs030

Oh you poor thing please please stop judging yourself so harshly. To be young and pregnant is scary and without support is just terrifying.
What you chose to do is what was needed for your life at the time.
As other posters have said you should get counselling to help you deal with this, it's very hard to feel like you've made bad decisions but honestly if you can accept it you may find it shapes you. Maybe with time you can help other people in the same scary situation?
I'm sure there is counsellors that can help you deal with this. Good luck op.

Morag

It seems you have not had a lot of support or anyone to talk to.
Regrets are normal, so is grieving over what may have been.
Please go talk to someone who can help you.
The IFPA have staff who can help and if you are not near one of their clinics they
should be able to refer you to someone close to you.

http://www.ifpa.ie/Pregnancy-Counselling/Post-Abortion-Counselling

The IFPA is the only nationwide three-option counselling service. Our counsellors are here to give you accurate, honest and clear information and support.

Our counselling service is free and are located in Cork, Dublin City, Dundalk, Galway, Gorey, Letterkenny, Limerick, Monaghan, Sligo, Tallaght and Waterford. Appointments are made through the IFPA's pregnancy counselling helpline, 1850 49 50 51. IFPA staff will be able to book a suitable appointment for you, give you directions and answer some basic questions.


Contact:

IFPA National Pregnancy Counselling Service 1850 49 50 51

LegacyUser

op my heart goes out to you, but like others have said the decisions you made do NOT make you a bad or terrible person. we make decisions with what's available to us at the time and it's easy to look back and get caught up in a cycle of thinking negatively about those decisions later, especically if we didn't feel supported at the time.

were you offered post termination councelling at the time? i had a termination over ten years ago now and though i didn't avail of it at the time, i did a few years later. go. talk to someone. it'll help you deal with all these emotions and put you on the right track for continuing with your life. best of luck. x

LegacyUser

I wouldnt call what you did inhumane, its not as simple as that. Life is complicated and sometimes decisions have to be made that you will regret later but at the time choices and options are limited given the circumstances. That doesnt make you a bad person or what you did wrong. If you feel you made the wrong decisions then learn from that. Thats what it is to be human. We make mistakes, we take the wrong roads, we learn from them and we grow as individuals and eventually find our way to where we want to be (or at least make it onto the right path at some stage).

Dont judge yourself on the decisions you have made, judge yourself on what you have learned from making them. We have all done things which haunt us from time to time but the fact that it does means your not a bad person and your striving to be better.

I know you cant go back but you can do something equally as good as far as I'm concerned. Go forward a better person because of your experiences and your future wont be darkened by your past, it will be brightened by how must you have learned from your experiences.

Beruthiel

MaryMak39 wrote: »

Can any one please offer some non judgemental advice?

Stop being so hard on yourself, you're not a bad person.
I've always considered regret to be a wasted emotion.
The past cannot be changed, so you can only learn from it and move on from this point.
Mentally twisting yourself into a knot about something you cannot change does nothing but drive you mad.
Go talk to a professional so you can learn to deal with this.
And, go easy on yourself.

Sleepy

OP, to be in the situation where you've had to have a termination 3 times, you've either been very stupid regarding contraception or insanely unlucky.

I'd suggest going to see a doctor and getting sorted for proper contraception in addition to a referral to a reputable counselling service.

Oryx

You are not a bad person. Everyone else has said it and I'm saying it too. You've been in hard situations, and made hard decisions, but as beruthiel says, you cant change that, so you need to move on. Looking back is a waste of your time and energy, BUT you need to understand why those things happened in order to prevent them happening again.

Counselling would definitely help you, and you should think about it. You need to learn to forgive yourself, and how to make the right choices so you dont end up facing a similar situation with a similarly unsupportive man in the future.

MaryMak39

thanks to everyone who posted replies I genuinely appreciate it. I am looking into the ifpa in my area and hope to start counselling soon. all i can do is hope and pray it wont affect me having kids in future

gerryd2

Your not a bad person. You just weren't ready. Don't beat yourself over it. You need to be thinking, could you have brought those kids up on your own and what kind of life would they have, given your situation. The real bad people are those Boyfriends who wouldn't stand by you.

pajodublin

We learn from our mistakes
Just make sure you learn from yours
Good Luck

curlzy

OP, You have nothing to be sorry or guilty for. You did nothing wrong. It's your body and your fertility and you had every right to decide not to go along with those pregnancies. Unfortunately there is alot of stigma around abortion in this country and that may be why you are feeling so bad, so I'll say it again; YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. Get into counselling I think would be the best thing for you to do to realise you have NOTHING to feel bad over. I really hope you start feeling better soon you don't deserve to feel this way over a decision you made regarding your body and your life.

blatantrereg

No pregnancies are viable before the 21st week. At 16 weeks it wasn't an unborn baby. It was a part of you that was soon going to have become that, but that was all. As much distress and guilt as you might feel about it, you made a responsible and right decision when you stopped it from happening.

Many people have unplanned children while they are teenagers and do everything they can and succeed in raising happy decent people. That isn't always the case and it involves sacrifice when it is. It's better to have a child by intent with a partner who wants the same thing when you are a bit older and have had more time to mature yourself. What you did allowed a child you might have to have a better start in life - and it was fairer to yourself and probably the father too.

estar

hi

some people would say it is humane not to bring a baby into the world that you were not in a position to support

you need to forgive yourself and see a counsellor to help with the grieving process

also - dont put yourself through this again, and get some reliable contraception so that you can try and avoid the emotional turmoil associated with terminations

the past is over - the future is where you should put your energies

also i find that if you are feeling badly over something you cannot change - then do some kind deeds for others. it helps