Family giving cold shoulder?

Hannaho

Hi! I have first cousins who my children like to visit for a couple of hours every six weeks or so. However, after having a great time at their hosue the last time time, they seem to be giving me the cold shoulder. We left last time with the arrangement that they would come and visit us next time in early October. However, I have sent three texts, one to thank them for having us over, and the other asking them about a property in their local village that is for sale - a cafe which I would be interested in leasing with my parnter. They haven't replied to any of the texts, and when my partner phoned re info on the cafe, they were very offhand with him and said they had to go, promised they'd ring back with the info and didn't - this has all happened over a three week periodl

The only thing I can think that may have changed their minds about staying in contact with us is that I explained that I was really grateful for them having us over, as my children (not my partner's) had been having a rough time lately as social workers and a child psychologist were inovlved with the children due to food and neglect issues at their dad's house. I never spoke about these issues before to them, and I only spoke briefly to them on this occasion as I hate talking about the problems with their dad. When I explained some of the issues, and the reason why the children don't have passports (they always ask why we don't go abroad), that is, their dad tried to take them abraod without permission previously, my cousins semed to completely disbelieve me, and feel that it was me who was causing the hassle and not the childrne's dad. I found this really hurtful, especially due to family history. My mother who had a personality disorder and had been in psychiatric care, and through me out of home at 18, spent her life criticising me to all and sundry. Some believed her - my mother was wealthy - but most people couldnt stand her and kept out of her way. I feel that my cousins are still diselieving me, and I have spent years trying to prove to my family that I am not who she said I was - today I am a professional with two undergraduate degrees and one masters degree. My children are really bright and doing very well at school, and are into all sorts of sports.

I also said to my cousing that I had gone back to work in Dublin in public sector job as it I would be earning over 50k there with allowances etc. She seemed to sneer at this job, saying how would it be worth my while to commute to Dublin and childcare etc for just 50k per year. They are bigish dairy farmers - so I suppose life is quite good at the moment. However, the whole incident left me feeling small and that I would never be good enough to be accepted by family.

Another cousin and his mother have behaved similarly in the past - and the mother who is in her 80s has told her son not to become friendly with me as I am only trouble - as my mother had nothing but trouble with me. This is completely not true. I left Ireland a 18 an paid completely for my own education. I had no other siblings, but my mother always felt her life would have been different if I hadn't been around. My dad died when I was 11.

Sorry about long post, but just wondered if anyone else has experienced same with family, and how did you deal with it. I'm middle aged now and still feel like I'm constantly proving myself to them; that no matter how successful I am, or even how well my children may do, I will still never be good enough, and they will still believe all that my mentally ill mother said to them about me,

Thanks.

WhyGoBald

A lot of the time in families everyone gets assigned a certain role which takes a minor revolution to change, and in more dysfunctional families at least one will be assigned the role of scapegoat. As you have seen, nothing that you can do can change your cousins' perception of that role, and you are still locked in the habit of appeasing them. This is how abuse happens, and though your mother was the out-and-out abuser, others are still willing or determined to maintain their own 'role' by facilitating the abuse and perpetrating her lies.

The only thing I can suggest is to focus on your healthy relationships and keep contact with your cousins to a minimum; but whether you decide to do this or not, do not give them anything but the most trivial information about your life. If you want a relationship with them it might be best to keep it superficial.

Katgurl

if this is typical then I would say the hell with them, let them think what they like, its not your job to prove anythign to them. keep it friendly but don't let their ill-informed opinions colour your own view of yourself.

however, if this is a new event, I'd wonder if its even personal. you mentioned them not getting back to you and being offhand. perhaps there is something major going on with them? I would probably make one more effort, maybe send a note saying "hey we haven't heard much from you the last while, hope everythign is ok with you all. Let us know if you would like to visit, the kids love the get-togethers, as do we." And I'd leave it at that.

Hannaho

Hi! Whygobald and catgurl, thanks for your replies.

Whygobald - yes I seem to be in the same role that I was cast when my mother was alive - I feel so sad about it, and am now scared my children no matter how well they do, will be assigned that role also. I think part of it also maybe that they thought I was wealthier than I am and shouldn't need to work at a 50k a year job, and so look down on us for that. I just don't know how I'm going to explain this to my kids as they love going there, and they are already aware of the stigma of single parenthoods - we had neigbours previously who would ask the children if I had loads of men in (really!) as that's how single mothers often paid for their houses/extensions, and was I inovled in drugs (to pay for our large extension in our previous house) - my kids were only 7 and 8 at the time.

Katgurl - when we mvoed down near my cousins they were very interested in staying in contact but I think this waned. Initially, they made some snide comments about buying a house in an estate and I could have bought something better - I never felt I needed a large house to impress people - and then we changed to a smaller car and that was commented on, and now the issue of social workers and psychologists being involved because of the neglect of the children by their dad when they are at his house - I actually feel like a piece of **** on their shoes, and generally, because of being a single mum, and becuase of the how my mother treated me and the lies she told about me - but I just don't know where to go with all this, and how to stop it affecting the three of us - my partner does not live with us.

Thanks again for your replies

Janedoe10

Oh girl what's the saying u can't choose family .
I agree with another poster if u want to maintain relationship with this crowd contact them again in a few weeks.
U really should not have to give excuses for your particular pathway in life .
Not to them or anyone .
If they are turning their nose down at your efforts of getting work for 50k Jesus I thought that snobbery had gone away from Ireland in recent years .

Obviously not .

From. What u posted u had a diff start to life . Abuse verbally in your case has a horrible way of been seen as lies by some families -
I don't think u need these people in your lives as they are upsetting u . U don't need acceptance from them .

Oh ya don't tell them as much info . Some members ask u everything and they tell u nothing

Hannaho

Hi! Janedoe, thanks for your reply, I think I'll do as you said and text them again in a few weeks about meeting up in early Oct. If they don't want to meet up, that's fine. I think it will be better to leave contact if they are going to be like this, but I just don't know what to say to the kids as they really like going there, and my cousin's two youngest children are always asking to meet up with my two. My kids will be upset about not going over and the loss of contact, but there is nothing that I can do.