What To Do With Ex's Stuff?

eaglewings

Hi there,
My ex split up with me almost 4 years ago, and at the time of the split, I was moving house as I was allocated housing under the RAS scheme. It was just before Christmas and she asked if she could leave her stuff in my new place, all boxed and in bags, and she would collect it all in the New Year.

As I was finding it hard to deal with the split on top of having to move before Christmas, I agreed, but said that she had to come back and collect everything in the New Year.

Almost 4 years on, she has not come back for her stuff, and every now and then she will phone me, and when I ask her to come and collect her stuff, she says she has no way of collecting it, but could I bring it to her! I live in Kerry and she is now in Dublin. I told her that this will not be happening, but she thinks that because she could get around me when we were together, I will simply give in. And what makes matters worse, I found out that she has been back her in town a few times, but never called or let me know as she knew I would ask her to take her stuff.

I am now having to move house again for health reasons as there is a major problem with the house I am in. I only had confirmation of the move on Friday and I have to have everything moved out by the 30th September, which is only 2 weeks away. I sent a text to my ex telling her that I was moving out and she needed to get her stuff out before the 30th. She sent a text back really annoyed saying that I know perfectly well that she has no means of collecting it. She has a couple of brothers who could easily collect it for her if she wanted them to, and one of them I was kind enough to let stay with us, along with his friends, when we were going out.

I cannot leave the stuff here as I have been instructed by the Council that the house must be cleared and the landlord has said she will be checking the house on the 30th when she collects the keys from me.

I sent a text today to my ex asking her to let me know by Wednesday the latest if she intends to collect her stuff as I have to have the house cleared, and if I don't hear from her, then I will have to assume that she does not want any of the stuff and I will have to arrange to have it dumped at a cost to me. She did not reply.

My ex is an alcoholic, so reasoning with her is not possible, as I have found out to my cost in the past.

If I don't hear from her by Wednesday, is it ok to get rid of her stuff? I feel guilty about doing it but I don't want to be made a fool of any more and I want to make a complete fresh start, and to be honest, leaving it here for almost 4 years is a bit much. I have never gone through any of her stuff as I respect people's privacy so if I was to dump it, I would simply take it to the local landfill site and dump it without going through it.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

JustAThought

If she hasn't looked for it or needed it in four years, and hasn't been arsed in that time to make arrangements, or ask their brothers for help, then I suggest you put it to the back of your conscience.

Either text or send a registered letter first thing tomorrow Monday morning ( I'd cover my back & send a reg. Letter) stating the bare facts , ; 4 years, repeated requests, no provisions made, moving due to health concerns, & state that if she dies not collect or make arrangements to have the goods collected by ( give her over the weekend to give her brothers a chance) that it will all be sent to the landfill .

Dont give until your moving out date as you will have to have the house clear by then or you will fail your inspection/loose your deposit. Give yourself 4 or 5 days.

I'd also change my number ; 4 years is too long for that kind of headwreck & emotional blackmailing to be going on. Leopard, spots....Moving on/new start.

Good luck with the move !

eaglewings

Thank you so much for your response and your good wishes.

Unfortunately, I won't be able to send her a registered letter as all I know is that she is currently in Dublin but don't have an address for her. She tends to latch onto people, move in with them, and when they get fed up of her not paying her way, she finds someone else and moves again. She has lived in a ton of different places over the last 4 years - Bray, Tipperary, Cork, Donegal, but always ends back in some part of Dublin and she refuses to ever give me an address. Even when post got delivered here for her after she left, she refused to give me an address to forward it on to and told me to just bin it.

She had changed her mobile number this year which I knew nothing about as I don't make contact any more but a couple of weeks ago, she phoned me out of the blue, the first time I had heard from her in months. Only for her ringing like that, I would not even have a number to contact her on.

I know that I will not do anything with the stuff until probably the weekend, but I felt that if I told her she had until the weekend, then she would drag it out endlessly and I would be under pressure to get the house cleared. The landfill is only open 3 days a week (Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday) so I had to factor that in and not leave myself in a difficult situation.

I felt that asking her to at least confirm by Wednesday that she is going to collect the stuff would be fair, as then I could try to firm up a date for collection otherwise I would get the usual run of excuses, and I did text her on Friday about collecting the stuff, as soon as I was told I would be moving. I don't think she has even told any of her family that she left the stuff here at all, because whenever I suggested she ask one of her brothers to collect her stuff, she goes mental on the phone, tells me to leave them out of it, and usually hangs up.

It has been emotionally draining trying to deal with her and she always tries to make me out to be a bad person because I won't dance to her tune any more and drive all the way to Dublin like a fool with her stuff.

WhimSock

Bring it all to a local charity shop. At 4 years thats blimmin ridiculous, there is obviously nothing there she needs or cherishes. You are under no obligation to provide free storage for her tat.

Stavro Mueller

It's a shame you can't write that registered letter. Does your phone do delivery receipts? If so, it might be an idea to re-send the text stating that she either has her stuff collected by x date or it's going to the dump. Four years is a ridiculous amount of time to be holding onto her stuff and if there was anything in there she wanted, she'd have made sure she had it by now. Also, when you move block her number so she can't contact you again. You deserve better than this.

movingsucks

Are you still in contact with her brother? Could you ask him to take it?
If not I wouldn't think twice about binning it

eaglewings

Thank you Whimsock, Cymbaline and MovingSucks. I really appreciate your replies.

I don't have any contact details for her brothers or any of her family unfortunately. Most of the stuff appears to be junk - old magazines, old clothes, books, cds.

If any of it was important, I am sure she would have needed it by now and would have looked to collect it. I don't want her making a fool of me any longer.

Blocking her number after I get rid of the stuff is a good idea, because I don't want any contact with her if she does not come to collect it. If she knows I dumped it, I will get drunken calls through the night with a barrage of abuse and I don't want that. I don't want to have to change my number as it is my main contact number so I will look to see how I block her number if I have to get rid of her stuff.

Thank you all for your advice and help. I was feeling so guilty about this, but like you all said, 4 years is a ridiculous amount of time to leave one's stuff.

AnonoBoy

When you say her 'stuff' what do you mean? Old clothes and CDs? That type of thing?

Unless there's anything of real value then I wouldn't have any concerns over bringing it all to the local charity shop and donating it.

She's had 4 years - I bet she can't even remember what is in the boxes at this stage.

You've given her every chance, at this stage I think it's totally unreasonable for her to expect you to keep the stuff any longer.

Don't give her your new address and block her number. End of story.

username123

Seriously - you dont have contact details for her. You are moving to a new address. Change your phone number and dump her stuff. That way she can no longer contact you either. 4 years, and you kept the stuff? Ask yourself why you bothered? Seriously.

I see what you said about changing your number - thats an excuse imo - its not that big of a deal to change it.

eaglewings

AnonoBoy wrote: »

When you say her 'stuff' what do you mean? Old clothes and CDs? That type of thing?

Unless there's anything of real value then I wouldn't have any concerns over bringing it all to the local charity shop and donating it.

She's had 4 years - I bet she can't even remember what is in the boxes at this stage.

You've given her every chance, at this stage I think it's totally unreasonable for her to expect you to keep the stuff any longer.

Don't give her your new address and block her number. End of story.

Thank AnonoBoy for the advice. Most of the stuff seems to be old clothes, really old magazines, books, cds, and come old crockery and tons of old paperwork. Most of it is junk.

I don't think she has a clue really what is in the boxes and bags.

I know it is unreasonable for her to expect me to keep her stuff any more, and I want done with it. If I don't hear from her I will dump it because the charity shop don't want any of it.

I have no intention of giving her my new address and I will definitely be blocking her number as she can be very volatile and abusive when drunk.

Thanks again AnonoBoy.

eaglewings

username123 wrote: »

Seriously - you dont have contact details for her. You are moving to a new address. Change your phone number and dump her stuff. That way she can no longer contact you either. 4 years, and you kept the stuff? Ask yourself why you bothered? Seriously.

I see what you said about changing your number - thats an excuse imo - its not that big of a deal to change it.

Thanks Username123 for your reply.

I seriously and genuinely do not have any address for her. The only reason I have her new mobile number is because she phoned me a couple of weeks ago out of the blue. She has changed her number because she owes a load of money to people for rent and she is avoiding them.

I know it was stupid to keep her stuff for so long, but I always felt guilty about throwing it away, not because I have any feelings for her, because I don't and I know I am well rid, but because I simply do not like getting rid of someone else's possessions, but now I will have to as this needs to come to an end.

Not changing my number is not an excuse. There is no need for me to go through the hassle of changing my number when I can simply block her calls and texts.

Thanks for the advice Username123.

username123

eaglewings wrote: »

Thanks Username123 for your reply.

I seriously and genuinely do not have any address for her. The only reason I have her new mobile number is because she phoned me a couple of weeks ago out of the blue. She has changed her number because she owes a load of money to people for rent and she is avoiding them.

I totally believed that - I meant "seriously - you dont have any contact details for her" as in, "listen - if you dont have any contact details for her then forget about trying to return the stuff!"

I understand its easy to leave a few boxes of stuff lying around though.

Do the block thing then, but one way or another - I do think you should cut all contact - sounds toxic!

tbh

hey eaglewings - just wanted to wish you the best of luck with your move. I seriously doubt you'll get into any trouble by dumping her stuff, and in terms of morality - four years is 3 and a half years over and above what could have been reasonably expected of you.

My advice would be to send her one last text and just remind her politely that you'll be moving out on x date and if she wants to collect her stuff, she needs to get it by then.

And then forget all about it

eaglewings

username123 wrote: »

I totally believed that - I meant "seriously - you dont have any contact details for her" as in, "listen - if you dont have any contact details for her then forget about trying to return the stuff!"

I understand its easy to leave a few boxes of stuff lying around though.

Do the block thing then, but one way or another - I do think you should cut all contact - sounds toxic!

Thank you so much Username123. I appreciate your advice.

I have a skip arriving tomorrow morning to get rid of all my own clutter. And on Thursday, I will be dumping my ex's stuff into it. I have given her more than enough time, and you are so right, she is toxic and I will be blocking her number from Thursday.

Thanks again for your help!

eaglewings

tbh wrote: »

hey eaglewings - just wanted to wish you the best of luck with your move. I seriously doubt you'll get into any trouble by dumping her stuff, and in terms of morality - four years is 3 and a half years over and above what could have been reasonably expected of you.

My advice would be to send her one last text and just remind her politely that you'll be moving out on x date and if she wants to collect her stuff, she needs to get it by then.

And then forget all about it

Thank you so much TBH. I really appreciate your kind wishes. I am so looking forward to the move. It is a fresh start and a much needed one, plus I am moving into an absolutely beautiful new house.

I realise now that I have been way too patient and I shouldn't feel one bit guilty about dumping her stuff.

I ordered a skip today as I am getting rid of all my own clutter so that I really do start afresh. Come Thursday, I will be dumping my ex's stuff into it and by Friday hopefully, the skip will be gone.

I decided not to send her another text because she would interpret that as me wavering about dumping her stuff and felt I needed to stay strong and stick to the message I gave her. I am so glad I am standing up for myself. It feels good, now that I have shaken off the guilt. I know I have nothing to feel guilty about. I have gone over and beyond in tolerating her stuff being left her for almost 4 years.

This is a fresh start now and I am getting quite excited about it.

Thanks again TBH for your best wishes and your advice.

Sephiroth_dude

Ya Just dump it and don't worry about it

Sappa

eaglewings wrote: »

Hi there,
My ex split up with me almost 4 years ago, and at the time of the split, I was moving house as I was allocated housing under the RAS scheme. It was just before Christmas and she asked if she could leave her stuff in my new place, all boxed and in bags, and she would collect it all in the New Year.

As I was finding it hard to deal with the split on top of having to move before Christmas, I agreed, but said that she had to come back and collect everything in the New Year.

Almost 4 years on, she has not come back for her stuff, and every now and then she will phone me, and when I ask her to come and collect her stuff, she says she has no way of collecting it, but could I bring it to her! I live in Kerry and she is now in Dublin. I told her that this will not be happening, but she thinks that because she could get around me when we were together, I will simply give in. And what makes matters worse, I found out that she has been back her in town a few times, but never called or let me know as she knew I would ask her to take her stuff.

I am now having to move house again for health reasons as there is a major problem with the house I am in. I only had confirmation of the move on Friday and I have to have everything moved out by the 30th September, which is only 2 weeks away. I sent a text to my ex telling her that I was moving out and she needed to get her stuff out before the 30th. She sent a text back really annoyed saying that I know perfectly well that she has no means of collecting it. She has a couple of brothers who could easily collect it for her if she wanted them to, and one of them I was kind enough to let stay with us, along with his friends, when we were going out.

I cannot leave the stuff here as I have been instructed by the Council that the house must be cleared and the landlord has said she will be checking the house on the 30th when she collects the keys from me.

I sent a text today to my ex asking her to let me know by Wednesday the latest if she intends to collect her stuff as I have to have the house cleared, and if I don't hear from her, then I will have to assume that she does not want any of the stuff and I will have to arrange to have it dumped at a cost to me. She did not reply.

My ex is an alcoholic, so reasoning with her is not possible, as I have found out to my cost in the past.

If I don't hear from her by Wednesday, is it ok to get rid of her stuff? I feel guilty about doing it but I don't want to be made a fool of any more and I want to make a complete fresh start, and to be honest, leaving it here for almost 4 years is a bit much. I have never gone through any of her stuff as I respect people's privacy so if I was to dump it, I would simply take it to the local landfill site and dump it without going through it.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Stick it on the train and tell her to pick it at the station.

JustAThought

I have a skip arriving tomorrow morning to get rid of all my own clutter. And on Thursday, I will be dumping my ex's stuff into it. I have given her more than enough time, and you are so right, she is toxic and I will be blocking her number from

Great news; & a good crisp decision.
No accusation of bias there & no charity shop for her to try & torment/hound either.

Make sure you bar that number & tell the estate agent & all you mutually know not to pass it on under any circumstances.

Be strong!
Good luck with the move & the new start.
: )
Happy Ever After : )

eaglewings

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

Ya Just dump it and don't worry about it

Thank you so much Sephiroth. I appreciate the advice.

Have skip organized and will be dumping her stuff into it on Thursday and the skip will be gone come Friday.

I realise now that I should not worry about it, I have been way too lenient about letting her leave it here for so long, but not any more. It is a fresh start for me and I matter more than her stuff.

Thanks again Sephiroth!

eaglewings

Sappa wrote: »

Stick it on the train and tell her to pick it at the station.

Thank Sappa for the advice.

She wouldn't even bother to pick it up and I wouldn't waste the petrol driving 32 miles to the nearest train station.

Will be dumping it all into a skip on Thursday. The guilt I was feeling is now gone, thanks to the help and advice from people here, which I am grateful for. I feel much stronger now and know that I need to take charge and stand up for myself.

Thanks again Sappa.

eaglewings

JustAThought wrote: »

Great news; & a good crisp decision.
No accusation of bias there & no charity shop for her to try & torment/hound either.

Make sure you bar that number & tell the estate agent & all you mutually know not to pass it on under any circumstances.

Be strong!
Good luck with the move & the new start.
: )
Happy Ever After : )

Thank you JustAThought! I appreciate all of your help and advice.

I will definitely bar her number.

I feel so much stronger now than I did at the beginning of the week. I think I was feel so guilty, but I realise now, from all the advice and help I have received on here, that I have nothing to be guilty for. I have been more than fair with her, and now it is time to stop being made a fool off. I feel good about standing up for myself and I know I will feel even better when I have gotten rid of all her stuff finally.

Thank you for your best wishes. I am so looking forward to the move and making a nice fresh start.

Thanks again JustAThought!

Curry Addict

OP this woman knows your a bit soft. she is probably only winding you up, for her own satisfaction and has not interest in her junk.

eaglewings

Curry Addict wrote: »

OP this woman knows your a bit soft. she is probably only winding you up, for her own satisfaction and has not interest in her junk.

Thank you Curry Addict. I think you could be right. When I look back, she was always manipulating me to her own end, but that is well and truly over now!

Have had a really long day, but an extremely productive one. Skip arrived this morning and I have dumped all of her stuff in it, along will my own decluttering! It felt good bringing the whole saga to an end finally and it made me feel good about myself.

I am very thankful to everyone on here who provided me with advice, support and encouragement to help me overcome the guilt and do what needed to be done.

Thanks again Curry Addict.

MythBoy

After 4 years, I would chuck it out.

Taltos

As the OP has resolve this I am closing this thread. OP if you need it re-opened please PM one of the mods.

MythBoy - welcome to PI/RI. Please take some time to read our charter. We ask posters to ensure they read all replies before responding. Unlike some of the other forums here as we are dealing with sensitive issues we take a zero tolerance approach to any breach of our charter.

Taltos