Sexual Anxiety

LegacyUser

Hi folks, I have suffered from social anxiety for many years but more accurately sexual anxiety has been the root cause of this problem. I have been back on medication for the past year and believe it has helped me beyond expectation to regain a good social life and along with a good level of confidence again.

Unfortunately, the sexual anxiety I have suffered from my early teenage years remains. I think this is due to early negative teenage sexual experiences that I experienced. I'm now a 26 yr old male and still a virgin.

I was out last night and was approached by a girl who chatted me up. We ended up chatting for the entire night and got on really well. As I had drink on me, I was as confidence as one can get, and the the end of the night we exchanged numbers and now she wants to meet again in a week.

The first thing I felt this morning when I woke was anxiety about the fast approaching 2nd meet. (first date if you like) and I am filled with negative taught's about the sexual expectations she will want to happen in the near future.

The last two times I have ended up in bed with a girl over the last 6 months, I have failed to commit to intercourse or anything beyond kissing for that matter. I was so filled with anxiety about these situations that I cannot get sexually excited enough to perform intercourse despite fancying the girl. my mind races and I don't know the next move to make to have full sexual intercourse. I'm terrified this is going to happen to me again and I am going to make a fool out of myself, either for not being able to get hard or just being generally clumsy as it will be my first time. I'm confident she will have had sex a few times at this stage giving her age and that my inexperience will show.

I cannot help but constantly associate sex with negative taught's and i'm terrified that I will end up being a virgin for the rest of my life. I have a chance here at a relationship with a girl I like and this doesn't come around very often for me.

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation to this. It's basically a phobia of sex is how i view it. Have you ever overcome your fear of sex?

What is it like to do it for the first time, is it a clumsy and stoopid feeling or does it just come naturally?

Any other words of advice on this situation greatly appreciated?

LegacyUser

Hi There,

I know exactly what you're talking about, I can really relate to what you're going through OP. I felt the same way as you for years since my early teens, expect I was still a virgin at 30. I was convinced that I was asexual, because for me the thought of sexual intercourse was daunting - I just couldn't imagine myself being so intimate with another person. Like you I was resigned to never having sex. It's strange that these types of feelings are rarely expressed openly or talked about in the media. We're fed a constant stream of almost fantasised notions of sex - ie: that everyone loses their virginity in their teens/early twenties, sex is always good, that real men always perform and that women have amazing orgasms all the time. This is not always the case, but I think everyone feels a certain pressure to live up to these notions, especially as a virgin.

I had turned down plenty of offers over the years with women and had always stopped relationships short for fear of being exposed as a sexual novice when the time came. I would meet girls I liked and chat and kiss them on a night out, only to avoid calling them for fear they'd just want sex soon and I wouldn't. Or I'd maintain a relationship in a kind of awkward friendship limbo and never move things on from that. The longer that went on the worse the anxiety was and so in a way I just shelved those emotions entirely and avoided relationships so I wouldn't have to confront the problem.

In the end, I was able to overcome my sexual anxiety issue. I'm not sure that it would be the same for you, but for me it involved confronting issues from my childhood that had really skewed my thinking in terms of sex and relationships. I had a lot of baggage to deal with having grown up in a completely dysfunctional family. My parents had given me the impression that sex was bad and there were a number of incidents in my childhood that caused me to fear sex. I had experienced a few instances of not getting hard in my teens/early twenties, so it wasn't until I confronted all those thoughts and accepted them that I could move on.

It also helped that I started my first sexual relationship from a foundation of friendship. Initially, I thought that was enough and when we first attempted intercourse I was disappointed that I could not penetrate her despite having gotten an erection. I lost it very quickly when the moment came and that obviously led to a lot of anxiety. It wasn't until I came clean to my girlfriend about my lack of experience that things improved. She was very understanding, but mostly it was a relief for me to have finally told somebody. It was a weight lad been lifted. After a week or two of working on it, when I was more comfortable with the intimacy and I felt less under pressure to perform that things clicked into place. It was like something switched within me and I never had a problem getting an erection or performing after that.

As for the first time, it was a bit clumsy and it wasn't the best sex we had, but it was a relief in itself and it gave me confidence going forward. I still found it difficult to maintain an erection for the first month or so during sex and I found it difficult to relax and enjoy the experience and sometimes orgasms were a bit elusive. This caused a bit of anxiety in the relationship, but we worked through it by talking about it and the situation improved greatly. I opened up a lot more and with a bit more confidence I think the sex got a lot better. The anxiety is a complete barrier to sexual performance, so I think you should try and get to the root cause of what's causing your anxiety. Maybe a therapist/counsellor would help in that regard.

It's possible to overcome these fears - best of luck!

LegacyUser

Most peoples first time is clumsy, thats just natural. Don't tell your partner your virgin until you actually go to bed with her then come clean. If you don't come clean, then its awkward for you which in turn will make it awkward for her. If you come clean then both of you can relax. To me this is really the only way you can move on. There will be no pressure on you from then on. Most males go through this as part of losing their virginity.

Ellsbells

Op were you in bed with girls soon after meeting them? If so, then maybe take it slower this time with the new girl and you will feel more comfortable.

TBH, it doesnt matter if you have had 0 or 90 lovers as the sex between each couple is down to their chemistry and not necessarily ones experience. Dont push her away because of this.

dannyc31

OP. first thing you need to realise is women are not monsters waiting to humiliate every man in any way they can who approaches them. this girl obviously likes you and so the first thing on her mind is not how good you are going to be in bed. she's more likely thinking about how comfortable she feels with you, whether you would get on with her friends & family, do you make her laugh, is there an emotional connection there etc etc. men put way too much of a focus on sex which is just not the same for women. yes of course women love good sex too but they are more likely to enjoy sex with someone they can trust and who is an honest guy.

i think you should just continue to date her until you start to feel a bit more comfortable with her, you dont have to tell her you're a virgin just if its heading towards you two spending the night together, just tell her you'd prefer to wait for a month or two so as to get to know each other. 9 girls out of 10 will totally repect this and if she doesnt she is probably not right for you and is just looking for sexual adventures. when you get to know her then, you will start to get more comfortable with her and may feel you can tell her she will be your first and then you can take things slowly with each other when it happens.

p.s. the other thing to remember is do not base what you are seeing in the movies or in porn films as the norm for how people are having sex. alot of the time people will only have sex for 5 or 6 mins at a time so dont be worrying that you are'nt gonna be this stallion in bed.

best of luck

LegacyUser

I just came accross your post OP and up until Sunday morning I was in a very similar situation as you. I'm a 28 year old male and up until Sunday morning I was a virgin too.

I've always been shy in general, and suffered quite a bit from social anxiety. On 2 occasions when I was about 18 I almost had sex with someone I knew very well who was also a virgin and I was so nervous I failed to perform. This left me with what you described as sexual anxiety. After this experience I avoided relationships and sexual encounters and when I did end up in bed with someone I really fancied I backed off sex.

Recently I have really started to panic, a lot of my friends are in great relationships and some are getting married and having kids. I was on the verge of giving up and it was so depressing. A couple of months ago I decided the next time I get the opportunity I was going to do my living best to drop all my reservations and just go with the flow and let it happen if it happens.

Funnily enough within a coupe of weeks I met a great woman. I really fancied her and I had met her 4 times before Sunday. On the last couple of meetings things started getting sexual and intimate and I did my best to just go with it. It was mostly touching with hands and low and behold I had difficulties getting erect for her because (as I now know) I was still worrying about no being able to get hard. It's a self-fulfilling prophesy. I was in the situation you are in now, worried about what might happen when it came to getting into bed.

We were going to a christening in her family and we decided to stay in a hotel that night. I initially thought about not going and getting out of it, but I did what I said I'd do and went with the flow. We talked about it all that week and I knew we were going to at least attempt to have sex. I started to panic of course, dreading the embarrassment that I was convinced was coming.

On Sunday night we went to our room and talked and talked about the night etc. and soon things were leading to sex. Initially I couldn't get an erection even though there was a lovely girl lying there naked beside me. I felt horrible. I told her straight away that I was nervous because it was my first time with her and I really liked her, I decided not to come clean that I was a virgin full stop as I thought that might turn her off me, I probably should have told her. She was very kind about it. We went to sleep. Well, I didn't sleep but I lay there thinking about it for an hour. At this point the pressure of performance was off me.

Later, I sensed that she was awake as she turned over. I moved over and kissed her, she kissed me back, I wasn't thinking about erections or performing or anything like that at that second, and guess what happened? I got an erection, we touched and kissed and in a few minutes we were having sex. I didn't think about it, or whether i could perform etc. it just happened! It was only when it was actually happening that I realised I wasn't a virgin anymore... We had sex two more times that night, the 2nd and 3rd times happened very easily. No worrying, no anxiety. It all actually turned out to be easy and felt so natural.

I know it's not as easy as it sounds but whenever it happens just relax, let go of your anxiety, get lost in the moment, don't worry about the hows and whens, and just go with it! It really is all in your head, and when you do have sex, and you will!!!! just go with your instincts and don't overthink anything. Have the condom very close by so you can get it on right away when your ready. If it happens that things don't happen for you right away don't give up! If shes in bed with you then she likes you, remember that! Once it happens you will begin to lose the anxiety and soon it will be a thing of the past.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the supportive words and advice everyone. All though I've only met this girl once, I have a feeling she is not the promiscuous type as she seemed fairly respectable and didn't dress in any overly revealing way. Plus she didn't go inviting me straight back to her house that night, rather she said take my number and text me instead.

That being said, I do have a feeling she is probably looking for a relationship. I am basing this on two pieces of information. 1st, she lives a bit far away but was still adamant about another meet which means she is putting in a good bit of effort with me and 2nd just based on her age. (25) I know I am feeling a similar way for the past two years despite having all this tension about sex, I would still like to be in a relationship and I would imagine she would be thinking similar at her age.

As for the sex, maybe it is right to wait and build up a trust. Hopefully I can allow that to happen, and run a mile in the mean time. The last two girls I was in bed with, I was attracted to them both. One was a girl I know for years and we got carried away one night after a few drinks, the other was a random girl I met at a weeding, both I failed to commit to intercourse with so It doesn't seem to make a difference if I have a pre existing relationship with the lady or not, the sexual anxiety seems to remain unfortunately.

Other things worry me about engaging in sex like trying to sus out weather the lady wants it slow and passionate or is up for a good rough rump in the sack or how to play it correctly. I get highly embarassed with talk of a sexual nature and think simply asking would be out of the question. I don't know, hopefully I can find it in me to commit to see if things work with this girl...

LegacyUser

Hey,
Had to reply here. These stories describe my experiences so closely it is scary. Only difference is I am a gay man. Briefly, I did lose my virginity at 19 but it was a terrible experience. I didn't get an erection during part of it. This stayed with me for years. Then every sexual experience from then on I would be absolutely terrified. Heart racing, anxious etc. On top of all other lifes worries this made me very depressed. I now relate that to a lot of unhappiness. When you associate something that is meant to be pleasurable as terrible you are in no way going to enjoy it and not get aroused.

But having said that you need keep trying. Find a way that works for you. Certainly trust with a partner is key as once you are relaxed with someone then things start to take off as you are enjoying it. Imagine if you were afraid of swimming. how would you tackle that problem?? Here is the same. It's such a head wreck but OP keep looking for answers and try and get your head right about it.

Best of luck