Unbearably homesick

LegacyUser

I don't know what I'm hoping for by posting here, I suppose some objective advice or opinions. About three weeks ago, I left Ireland and ever since I've been crippled with homesickness. Basically, if I'm on my own, I'm crying. Non-stop. Hysterical. Inconsolable.

I would give anything and everything in the world to go home right now. Or to never have left. I feel like an idiot because I've been working towards this whole 'emigration' thing for the past year. Now that I'm here...there's nothing wrong with the place or the people or anything, it's just not home.


Anyone who's been in this situation, how long does it take to settle in? When can I expect to feel better basically? Did you persevere or give up and go home? If you went home, did you regret it?

I suppose I just want to know if there's hope.

LegacyUser

Hang in there. One year ago I did the same thing and could literally have written exactly what you just wrote. One year on I am still abroad, doing well for myself and things are much better. I'm not going to lie, I still miss home, but the new experiences and opportunities more than compensate for it. Also worth bearing in mind it's not like you will never be home again, you probably will be home in a few months. In the meantime you have an exciting new adventure in store.

I know it sucks right now but hang in there and it will pass. Try to really throw yourself into the new place if possible, meet new people, do new things. People will be understanding to a point, but then you will have to make the effort to fit in!

Stick with it and in a few months time look at this post, you will think you were mad for even contemplating chucking it all away

Reon

ofcourse you are going to miss home but there are just things in life you have to cope with this being one of them its a new experience it will take time to get use to. I think you just need to go out more make friends join clubs get to know people it will change you're whole home sickness situation :P it happened to me before infact i was probably worse than you :P but i knew the only way for me to get over it was to change my lifestyle so i decided to join clubs (rugby), make friends and now its just a whole new experience. so if i were you id get my ass out the house and go out :P

LadyMayBelle

OP, so many of us including myself have been here ( and still go there sometimes still). Hang in there. As impossible as it sounds right now, you will get through this.

What might help, is if you check the forums on boards for people livIng abroad ( there are ones for the UK, London, Canada and more etc and you might find some people to meet up with? It's been super helpful to me.

tinkerbell

OP, of course you're gonna be homesick. 3 weeks is not enough time to have settled in yet. Give yourself a chance, everybody misses home at the start.

jessiejam

I did that a few years ago and felt exactly as you did. I came home after 3 weeks. I just wasn't ready to take that step.

Why don't you try to come home for a weekend and see how you feel. Some people are just not made for it. I certainly wasn't and never regret my decision.

I know others are all for you sticking it out, but if its making you that miserable, I'm not sure.

I'm sure when you are home for a little while you'll realise what a great opportunity it is to be working abroad, and how boring Ireland is!

An Bhanríon

OP, you may also be suffering from culture shock. No matter where you go to live in the world you may suffer from culture shock. I suffered from it when I moved from Ireland to France. I know another Irish person who had culture shock in Scotland!!! When you come home you will realise that lots of what you miss are the little things - the way people chat to each other, the way you get served in shops, the way people behave on public transport, the way people socialise. All really small simple things, but when put together can affect you a lot.

A month after I moved to France I remember one day where I was really really low. I was tired because I was getting used to my new job. And I was also feeling really strange because everything seemed so different. And I wasn't very far from home at all! That day a new friend I had made took care of me, brought me out for a nice walk and brought me for dinner. After that everything started to fall into place and I ended up having an experience I will never forget. One of the best years of my life!

Just remember, most people who go to live abroad feel really weird at first. They just never tell you about it because by the time their first visit home comes along they have settled in and are having a blast. You will too!

Ickle Magoo

Hey there,

Normally I'd suggest you give it time and get settled in properly while making an effort to meet people but crying hysterically after three weeks away sounds like a very extreme reaction to not being home so perhaps keeping going isn't for the best?

I guess it comes down to your reasons for leaving and whether all those things still apply if you can take a step back and look at the situation rationally? Perhaps ask yourself do you HAVE to be abroad or do you have the option to come home?

Not everybody is cut out for living abroad. I haven't lived in my country of birth for 9 years...but then I've never been much of a home-body and I saw moving around as an opportunity to see new things and meet new people and didn't dwell on what was at home. I think you need to have a think and work out if you can get yourself out of these hysterics and thinking of what you are missing in order to make the best of/a go of things or if you need to get yourself home.

All the very best.

ongarboy

I lived in San Francisco and Sydney at different stages years ago and yes, was homesick for a week or so each time but then got over it (as do most people). This was before the days of the internet, cheap phone calls, Skype, Facebook etc - I wonder are you constantly using these tools to see how everyone is doing at home and perhaps aggravating your chances of giving your new life a go as they remind you constantly of what you're missing at home?

But, as said above, if you feel hysterical, it sounds like more than the regular homesickness that most go through, so I also think that maybe you may not be cut out for living abroad. Maybe to prevent it being quite so daunting, set a bearable timetable for yourself such as giving it 2 more months and if you really hate it just as much then, make arrangements to return home permanently before Christmas. Life is too short to be miserable and if you've felt you gave it your best shot, don't feel bad about returning home.

Lorna123

Google - dealing with homesickness abroad - this will give you a lot of tips and reading material to get on with while you adjust. Hope this helps.

LegacyUser

Thank you *so* much for all the replies. I really appreciate knowing that I'm not the only one who has felt this way.

I'm feeling a bit better, made it through all of today, (so far!) without bursting into tears. I think I've decided to give it til Christmas and if I haven't settled in by then, go home. There is no point in spending a full year here if I'm miserable the entire time. And four months is probably long enough to say I gave it a go.

Hopefully things will get better from here. Thanks again for all help and advice.

dellas1979

Dont think you said what country you are in, but yes culture shock even in an English speaking country can happen!

Settling into a country depends on a few things....do you have a job, friends, hobbies etc to get you into a routine?

Ive also lived abroad in a few places, when I was 19 I lived in Spain and it took me a good few months to settle in. Ireland will always be your home, and you do sound so much like a homebird (like me!), but yes, do give it a chance (as you said you will) and a chance to experience new things. If it works out and you settle, great, if it doesnt, if in a few months you are still miserable, come home.

You always have that option and that should give you peace of mind.

leahyl

Hey OP, I really admire you for taking that step and going away. I couldn't do it myself as I am the ULTIMATE homebird:D I would say, like other posters have said, give it another month or two and if you're still feeling the same I reckon you should come home. Being away from home long term isn't for everyone and if you don't absolutely have to be away then I'd suggest you come home - otherwise you'll be miserable; but do give it some time before you leap;)

Best of luck:)

LegacyUser

It's been nearly two months now and I'm still miserable. I moved here to go to college. I love the course. It's something I've been working towards for years and I was so happy to get offered a place. It's not a course I could do in Ireland. I should be happy. And in some ways I am. When I'm at work or in class, I'm okay. It's just when I'm on my own that I can't stop thinking of home and I cry my eyes out. But the course is for three years, which feels like a lifetime.

I thought that giving it until Christmas and seeing how I feel then was a good idea. But I'm not sure I can make it to Christmas. I'm not sure I can make it to the end of the month.

It can't be normal to feel like this when you move away, can it? Because nobody would ever go anywhere! It's horrible.

Moving home would be a nightmare in some ways. Trying to move all the stuff I seem to have accumulated...I thought decorating the place would make me feel more at home. Telling people that I just gave up would be embarrassing. I feel sick at the amount of money and time and effort that's gone into this. I feel like I should stick it out no matter what to justify all that. I feel trapped here. And also, like I should go home right this minute before I spend any more money or waste anyone else's time.

Sorry, this is just a big rambley mess. My mind is bouncing all over the place. Basically, I want to go home, I can't go home, I can't stay here, I have to. Round and round, non-stop.

I know what I *should* do. I should suck it up. Stick it out. Study and work hard and qualify. But the other half of me is screaming no. Can't do it. Won't do it. Not worth feeling this miserable for.

If anyone's read all of that...thanks What are your thoughts?

a posse ad esse

It's nice that you've tried to make your living arrangements feel more like home. Is this your first time away from Ireland? Have you made an effort to go out and meet new people in the country you are residing in? Get involved with social activities and clubs? I don't want to sound crude, if you have not done any of those things along with enjoying the beauty and culture of a new place you really are not trying hard enough. There is an International Student Office on campus that helps make foreign students feel welcomed. There are activities and social events as well as tours planned. You will meet other students who too may be feeling a little homesick from time to time.

Participating in activities is not going to make you fall in love with the place. What it does is help pass the time and help you be productive rather than isolating yourself into a depression. Going out there will help make your temporary arrangement bearable.

I suggest getting out there and enjoy the beauty of where you are. Make new friends and learn about the culture. Remember again this is temporary not permanent. The more you think like this the easier it will be for you to handle it. I studied abroad myself. First at 14 for a year and then left again to pursue my uni degree. Now I moved to Canada just 4 months ago to pursue a masters. This was what I thought would be temporary but my husband and I have fallen in love with this place (we'll see if we change our minds when winter comes along ). We hope to settle here permanently.

If you stick it out you will become stronger and more independent. Your main purpose is to come out of this experience with a degree and qualifications. Give it another chance.

fits

I think the weekends are by far the hardest. OP I'm in a similar ish position. But I'm away 6 weeks now. I find having a target is a good thing. I will be home in three weeks for a time, and again at Christmas. I've accepted that I probably wont feel settled until after Christmas.

I have to arrange something for the weekends because I spent the first couple of weekends completely on my own and it wasnt good for me. I joined a group I found on facebook who are having a halloween party next weekend. And I'm going, even though I dont particularly enjoy dressing up, because its something to do and something to focus on.

You have to force yourself to put yourself out there. Some close friends of mine studied abroad for a while and neither of them enjoyed themselves until after christmas. Its natural and its ok.

LadyMayBelle

Have you contacted your college support services in case theres someone you can talk to? I'm sure that would help a bit.

Kimia

Oh OP, it sounds like you're going through an awful time of it. It sounds like you are suffering an intense period of culture shock which can last quite some time as you've experienced.

There are stages to culture shock and believe it or not, you will find acceptance. Right now you are probably feeling like you've landed in an alien world and all you can think of is how much more comfortable you would be if you were at home. You may even be hostile to the people of the country that you're in and you may be exacerbating your situation by avoiding them because of your intense discomfort right now.

The answer, I'm afraid, is immersing yourself. Carving out a little niche for yourself in this new world. You do that by creating a routine. You don't necessarily have to go joining loads of clubs and going out all the time, but what you do need to do is think about some extra-curricular activities and form a routine where you do these once a week say.

Perhaps you like going to the library for example, for pleasure. Perhaps you like to browse through the books etc and take some home to read. It can be anything like this. Even shopping once a week in your favourite new store can be something you do each week to give yourself structure.

I promise you that this will help. You need to put down some roots because right now you feel so disconnected and that is a scary feeling. It's not enough to just try and ride it out - it won't go away unless you start connecting yourself to your new home. Get curious - start exploring and finding things that are unique to your new home, that you wouldn't get at home and you'll start finding that you have a certain fondness for the place. Maybe it's a certain food/cuisine, or it could be art. Something that is good about your new home that is different from ireland.

What also may be hurting you is the fact that the course is 3 years and so you feel absolutely stuck in the new place. Take each day as it comes. Break it up with some trips home. Think only about between now and Christmas for example.

It's ok to feel scared and lonely. It will get better. You should be very proud of yourself and brave you are to try and experience new things and a new way of living. Good luck!

LegacyUser

Hello, and thank you all so much for such sensible advice and for understanding.

It definitely helps to think of it as a temporary arrangement. It's only for three years, it's not forever. And there will be visits home. (and phone calls and texts and emails and all the rest

So for now, the plan is total immersion. I'll take it one day at a time. I'll find things to love about being here, I'm sure.

Thanks again for all the good advice.