LGBT Perspective on Number of Sexual Partners

Sir Pompous Righteousness

Hi, I was just reading a thread on AH on what might be considered too many sexual partners but I just want to get an LGBT perspective.

First of all, I'm 21 y/o gay man and only had my first gay experience a little under a year ago. By "experience" well, I mean sex. I had zero sexual history before that. Since then I've been with 3 other guys so that's 4 in total.

With all I had the intention of forming a relationship. Two of the guys I never heard from again after we first had sex so I only count them as one night stands ever though I dated each at least once before we had sex. The two others only lasted a month or two.

Now I'd just like to know is that considered a lot of sexual partners in such a short space of time? I'm certainly not proud or feel good about it because I'd prefer a monogomous relationship.

Personally, I'm finding it hard to maintain such relationships because I'm not out of the closet yet, which really puts a strain on things. For example, I'd be cautious about when and where to date in case someone found out. As you imagine such behaviour is pathetic and I shouldn't be amazed at all that the guys I was with stopped seeing me.

I certainly don't like my "number" because I think it's too high for the short period of time I've been seeing guys. I kinda regret it and wish I could form something stable as (a) I think I'd find it more fulfilling and (b) I don't want to feel slutty or promiscous. I recognise that this probably won't change until I come out of the closet but I can't see that happening anytime soon.

So I just want to get some perspectives from people in similar sitiations. Do you find it hard to form relationships while in the closet and how many sexual partners would you see as being excessive given those circumstances?

bp1989

I can't answer your first question as I was never in that situation.

For your second, I think it's entirely subjective. Excessive in my eyes might not be excessive in yours. It's not something I'd worry about or even think about all that much. You probably have enough things to worry about already.

Sir Pompous Righteousness

Anyone else?

stephen_n

Firstly others opinions of you and how many people you have slept with are irrelevant. No one can answer what's the right or wrong amount. For instance by your age I had probably had maybe 6 times the amount of partners you had. Do I care what others think about that no, not really. Would I do it again no probably not, but not for any moralistic reasons but purely because it's soul destroying. It seems like you may be suffering from a good old dose of catholic guilt, the truth is, If its safe consentual sex, then the only barrier should be if you want it or not!

bikeman1

Well, as others will say there is no real answer to this but yourself.

In my case, I had my first experience when I was 18 and when I got the confidence I couldn't stop. When I was 19 I would have had on average one ONS a month and enjoyed it while it lasted. Then I had a few relationships of a number of months before finding my current partner, while out on the lash one night unexpectedly.

I'm in my early 20s and would say I've been with about 25 guys. Nothing to be proud or ashamed of. I played around for 3 years, acted carefully and had a good time doing it. Now I've played the field a bit I am more than happy to be with my man for as long as we enjoy being together.

One thing I would say is you get good experience from being with different guys and Irish guys are the worst kissers imo!!

im invisible

Depends on if you are a top or bottom OP

bikeman1

im invisible wrote: »

Depends on if you are a top or bottom OP

Why???

Sir Pompous Righteousness

im invisible wrote: »

Depends on if you are a top or bottom OP

Well ... versatile. But I don't necessarily see how that matters unless you're referring to the susceptibility to STIs, etc...

keepkeyyellow

I don't think it matters, like I'm not going to be shouting my numbers from the rooftops but I wouldn't raise an eyebrow if someone told me theirs.

It also matters on how you define sex, which is difficult in the gay community. Like for me I define sex as handjobs and above because there's people who don't have anal sex. So like there's some people who've had penetrative sex with 5 people but then it'd triple when you count other stuff as well.

baby and crumble

im invisible wrote: »

Depends on if you are a top or bottom OP

What has that got to do with anything?

im invisible

baby and crumble wrote: »

What has that got to do with anything?

i think this guy said it better that i ever could

KKV wrote: »

If a lock can open many keys, then... No.. if a key has a combination lock and...

Sorry, I'm confusing myself, I'll go again;

If a key opens many locks, then buy a combination lock. Is that the saying?

Either way, Amazon usually have sales on locks and such. Worth a look.




What's going on?

Annasopra

im invisible wrote: »

i think this guy said it better that i ever could

No idea what you are on about!

Sir Pompous Righteousness

mango salsa wrote: »

No idea what you are on about!

I think it's too do with that thread over in AH about the woman who was found to have falsely accused 3 men of rape. Anyway, I think his point was that if you're a top you can go around with as many as you like and you'll be regarded as a stud, whereas if you're a bottom and you did the same you'd be regarded as a slapper. I think that's his point, not that I'd agree that being a top/bottom really matters in this thread.

1ZRed

im invisible wrote: »

Depends on if you are a top or bottom OP

mango salsa wrote: »

No idea what you are on about!

I think he's imaging orgies where a bottom would rack up a lot of hits quickly. 

1ZRed

4 guys in a year is not "too high" and you're not behaving promiscuously.

I started that thread because a few of my friends (mostly girls, and a lad trying to get a rise out of them) were throwing down on a few poeople. But mostly girls obviously because they're bitches, so it got me thinking is it still a big deal to poeple.

Obviously I'd be a hypocrite for being judgmental that way, being a gay guy I think it's hypocritical to be judgemental anyway. Now, some of the lads said they wouldn't really care if a girl was out doing what she wanted when she wanted but they still did kind of thought a bit less of her. I think it's kind of intimidating for them to get with a very experienced girl.
Same idea was played more or less back from the girls, they wouldn't be overly keen a lad who never stopped scoring around the clock before them.

These are all open minded college students and they're completely fine with a lot of ONS and everything, but when it came to factoring in a relationship they kind of thought about it a bit. Suppose it's pretty normal you might think about it a bit, you can't always help that.

So yeah, that was the sort of idea behind the thread eventhough it wasn't all that clearly worded by me.

Btw, you're gay. I don't think you should worry about feeling bad about the amount of numbers you've been with. We do much better than straight lads on average because we can get it easier, so just enjoy yourself and enough of the relationship talk. It'll happen, when it happens.
Maybe focus on getting out of the closet inorder to make things clearer and much easier on that front.

Sir Pompous Righteousness

1ZRed wrote: »

4 guys in a year is not "too high" and you're not behaving promiscuously.

I started that thread because a few of my friends (mostly girls, and a lad trying to get a rise out of them) were throwing down on a few poeople. But mostly girls obviously because they're bitches, so it got me thinking is it still a big deal to poeple.

.........

These are all open minded college students and they're completely fine with a lot of ONS and everything, but when it came to factoring in a relationship they kind of thought about it a bit. Suppose it's pretty normal you might think about it a bit, you can't always help that.

So yeah, that was the sort of idea behind the thread eventhough it wasn't all that clearly worded by me.

Btw, you're gay. I don't think you should worry about feeling bad about the amount of numbers you've been with. We do much better than straight lads on average because we can get it easier, so just enjoy yourself and enough of the relationship talk. It'll happen, when it happens.
Maybe focus on getting out of the closet inorder to make things clearer and much easier on that front.

Firstly, I supposed the main reason I'd prefer a monogamy is because I "perform" a lot better with people I know well as I do kinda have anxiety issues, so for me relationships are a lot more practical on that side of things. So I wouldn't enjoy one night stands as much. It's nothing really about "catholic guilt" as was mentioned by another poster, it's just the way my head works, lol.

Secondly, just the thought of being with a new person every couple of weeks/months depresses me, I just don't see anything in it, it's hollow, and as I said I don't enjoy it as much. Maybe some people don't mind it and enjoy it, but everyone's different.

Thirdly, I understand the probability of contracting STIs increases with increasing sexual partners. Of course, the risk would be a lot greater for someone who doesn't engage in safe-sex but the probability of catching something still increases as condoms aren't absolutely foul-proof. So I take that into consideration as well. A guy who tells me he's been with 10 people last year has a greater chance of having something compared to a guy who tells me he's been with 2 people last year, of course either could be lying but I can only work with what I'm told and gut instinct.

floggg

Look, the way I see it a number is only an issue if you think it is. If youre not comfortable with the amount or type of sex youre having, then you have an issue.

As long as your being as sagged as possible, theni don't think you should feel bad about having a reasonably active sex life. The only issue it raises is STI's in my book. I don't think it necessarily reflects badly on your character though.

I'm young and single. I spent long enough not getting any. While I would probably prefer a relationship, if something comes along I not going to say no because of a fear of what other people thought of me.

If I was to let my life be ruled other peoples perceptions of me, I'd probably still be in the closet trying to convince myself I was straight.

And your number doesn't seem high at all.

Have you considered whether being closeted could be affecting your perception of your own behaviour. I'm not trying to tell you that you need to come out or anything (you don't until your ready - I waited much longer than you and I don't necessarily regret it, it shaped who I am) but sometimes your perception of yourself can be very much distorted by the closet, and you can feel a lot of guilt and shame which you might not feel otherwise.

Davyhal

Personally I don't think that is a lot. At 21, if you were straight, chances are you would have been with a lot more than 4 in a year (considering you are not in a relationship of course!). Personally, I feel bad about my number. Before I came out (at 21), I used to often meet guys for drinks and I used to go home with them, and after a while I got used to the no-calling afterwards. It was only after I started seeing someone did I realise how shallow what I was doing was, and how damaging it was to myself.... I have learnt from my mistakes and over the last few years I have only slept with guys that I actually saw a future with... Saying that, I am well aware that it may well be very late. Since I have gotten to be friends with some guys who do the scene, I have learnt that I have an undeserved reputation from my younger days.... In the last year, I have slept with 4 people, 2 of which were my boyfriends at the respective times.... but unfortunately I still have to carry around the stigma of having slept with 30-40 people over the last 6 years, and unfortunately I think it is something that I will never shake. However, having many many straight mates, this number would not be considered a lot of a straight man of 24 years old.

baby and crumble

I think it's important to note here that the average age in Ireland at the moment for someone to lose their virginity is 21. Just in case some people are reading this feeling a bit rubbish for not having slept with a few people by that age. This is not saying anything about anyone who has or has not slept with whatever number. Just saying.