Relationship Broke Down - Am I Right to Feel the Way I Do?

Motley Crue

I'm going registered for this because anyone who knows who I am probably doesn't post here any longer

Basically when I was 18 I met a girl and fell in love. We got together, a few years later we moved in with each other, a few years after that we got engaged. In the last couple of weeks the entire relationship has become unraveled.

Before anyone asks, this cannot be salvaged, by the end it was clear she resented me a lot and resented the idea of being in any relationship (those around me have said this independently since we broke up, without any comment from me on the subject) and I genuinely feel that she seems, looks and sounds happier now that the break up has occurred than she did before we split.

Due to the nature of our life together it wasn't simply possible for me to up and leave in the night, and finding a new place takes time, so for the meantime (and the break up only really happened on Wednesday btw) we are still in the same house and I've been making as many arrangements as I can on a daily basis - but in separate rooms. She had a friend coming to stay tonight, the friend couldn't avoid coming, so I asked if they would share the bed and I'll remain in the spare room where I've been for about a month. BTW, this is of no concern to me, so again I have no animosity about her sharing the bed with another person male or female.

The problem is that everything seems really amicable, and I find myself almost relieved the relationship has ended and happy that the arguments have stopped...this is a positive thing because it was doing no good to shout at each other every evening...but the thing I wonder is whether I'm right to feel this way. Don't get me wrong, I'm not overjoyed, because I love this girl - or at least feel a lot for her - she is/was very special to me and we were engaged to be married. That meant a lot to me. Thankfully there are no children or joint bank accounts so there is not a lot of things to break down from the last several years together but am I right to feel as if a weight has been lifted?

As I write this she is out somewhere with a friend in town. It being a Saturday I have no idea where, we usually spent our weekends together, this is the first of many Saturdays I have to get used to the fact that everything will now be done apart. Yet I don't feel as cut up about it as I taught I would. I feel upset, but not massively...it's surprising how many people have made comments about her afterwards, claiming I dodged a bullet and that I really should have gotten out sooner....

I want to look forward to dating again, maybe casual sex (bit scared of this cause she was the only person I've ever been with), just having some fun and I don't want to go back into a relationship (or I'm not looking for that) for the foreseeable future. Right now I'm trying to think about the positives - maybe I can travel, have a typical bit of freedom....but it all comes at the price of loosing a fiancee and a big part of my life.

Tasden

Hey there, any emotions are normal. Theres no right or wrong way to feel but tbh the way youre feeling is pretty understandable. The relationship seems to have been over long before the break up so youve had time to accept it hence the lack of utter shock some people experience. I think maybe you realise its the right thing to have happened so you dont find it as difficult to accept.

On the other hand, one of the main stages of grief or whatever you want to call it concerning a break up, is denial so maybe there is a tiny bit of this at play. But again its normal.

My relationship with my fiance, who i also met when young, broke up earlier in the year and i was devastated, then we tried again recently and it ended again but the second time knowing that it was for the best it seemed a bit easier. Im not gonna lie, its tough and Im in no way happy about it but sometimes when you know its for the best you just let go a bit easier.

Anyway best of luck and enjoy moving on with your life and being happy.

Lorna123

Motley Crue wrote: »

I'm going registered for this because anyone who knows who I am probably doesn't post here any longer

Basically when I was 18 I met a girl and fell in love. We got together, a few years later we moved in with each other, a few years after that we got engaged. In the last couple of weeks the entire relationship has become unraveled.

Before anyone asks, this cannot be salvaged, by the end it was clear she resented me a lot and resented the idea of being in any relationship (those around me have said this independently since we broke up, without any comment from me on the subject) and I genuinely feel that she seems, looks and sounds happier now that the break up has occurred than she did before we split.

Due to the nature of our life together it wasn't simply possible for me to up and leave in the night, and finding a new place takes time, so for the meantime (and the break up only really happened on Wednesday btw) we are still in the same house and I've been making as many arrangements as I can on a daily basis - but in separate rooms. She had a friend coming to stay tonight, the friend couldn't avoid coming, so I asked if they would share the bed and I'll remain in the spare room where I've been for about a month. BTW, this is of no concern to me, so again I have no animosity about her sharing the bed with another person male or female.

The problem is that everything seems really amicable, and I find myself almost relieved the relationship has ended and happy that the arguments have stopped...this is a positive thing because it was doing no good to shout at each other every evening...but the thing I wonder is whether I'm right to feel this way. Don't get me wrong, I'm not overjoyed, because I love this girl - or at least feel a lot for her - she is/was very special to me and we were engaged to be married. That meant a lot to me. Thankfully there are no children or joint bank accounts so there is not a lot of things to break down from the last several years together but am I right to feel as if a weight has been lifted?

As I write this she is out somewhere with a friend in town. It being a Saturday I have no idea where, we usually spent our weekends together, this is the first of many Saturdays I have to get used to the fact that everything will now be done apart. Yet I don't feel as cut up about it as I taught I would. I feel upset, but not massively...it's surprising how many people have made comments about her afterwards, claiming I dodged a bullet and that I really should have gotten out sooner....

I want to look forward to dating again, maybe casual sex (bit scared of this cause she was the only person I've ever been with), just having some fun and I don't want to go back into a relationship (or I'm not looking for that) for the foreseeable future. Right now I'm trying to think about the positives - maybe I can travel, have a typical bit of freedom....but it all comes at the price of loosing a fiancee and a big part of my life.

You come across as being stunned. You are not feeling lost or unhappy, just not feeling anything. I admire that you are not devastated either. You have enough confidence in yourself to know that just because this relationship went no further it doesn't mean that someone else will not find you very attractive. Losing a fiancee cannot be easy but you are showing great courage and strength. It has to be so much easier at this stage than had you been married with children and a mortgage. Count your blessings. You have a great attitude and I am sure that this time next year you will be so happy that you will wonder what you ever saw in your ex.

HeyThereDeliah

It looks like the relationship ended some time ago but neither of ye made the final leap at calling it quits.
You are not devastated because she is not the girl for you and same with her ye have outgrown the love ye once shared for each other.
Take some time to yourself go out enjoy the single life for awhile and never mind what others are saying about her.

LegacyUser

At this point in time, and considering it's relatively soon since the break-up, I'd say it's best not to make any assumptions about how to feel or have any expectations about how you should feel. In all likelihood, your moods will probably be something like a pendulum, swinging from feeling exalted and free to low, a sense of loss etc. It's entirely normal and par for the course. Usually, these things take time to process and work through. Go easy on yourself.

Practically speaking, I think it's important to try occupy your free time as best you can. It's that old chestnut advice of re-engaging with hobbies, friends, social activities etc. It works. If at all possible, talk to friends/ family/ counsellor about the break-up. It'll help you further process and understand what has occurred. All the best.

jellygems

it may not have hit you yet or it maybe like someone above said you broke up a long time before making this final leap

and whatever your feeling is right for you, dont second guess or judge yourself on how u think u should react to something

welcome to singledom, enjoy the ride (no pun intended)