please read and help

Jojo15

Now this problem i need advise on and some people will not want to help me and wont agree on what i've done but i realy need help because its tearing me apart and my relationship, over a year ago ive cheated on my boyfriend i had sex with someone twice and it was the end off it but i knew the person for a while me and him knew it was wrong and we stayed friends he was there for me when i needed to talk about my personal problems and past , and at christmas he passed and my boyfriend found out what happened he took me back a day later and said i love you and forgive you and now a year later he brings it all up and says he wants revenage ?? bit childish if you ask me because he says he wants me to hurt im terribly hurt im hurt by the fact i hurt him and the fact my friend is lifeless now .
i was only with my boyfriend 2 months when it happened so wasnt that serious as it is now and i would never dream in my life in doing it again i done it because i had feelings not for sex . how do i make this better ? how do i make him want me and fall in love with me all over , or do i just walk away and grief for my friend and start building my life again and fall in love with someone else , but what i want it my boyfriend and a future together .

LegacyUser

It's not acceptable for your boyfriend to seek revenge. You made a mistake, owned up to it, and he decided that he forgave you. This was something he had to decide for himself. He can't just decide he wants revenge. And if he's seeking to hurt you, I'd take a hard look at the relationship. No one should want to hurt their partner. Explain to him that it's not fair, he made his choice to forgive you and take you back.

If he can't deal with it and wants to split, that's one thing. But wanting to cheat on you as revenge is completely unacceptable.

MistyCheese

If your boyfriend had fully and genuinely forgiven you he would not want "revenge".

You can't make him, or anyone, fall in love with you but clearly your indiscretion is still causing him pain and you two need to talk about it. If he refuses to talk to you, or to a counsellor, about it then he is either not ready or not willing to resolve this issue and move forward.

say_who_now?

Your "boyfriend" is an ass. Walk away and save yourself a lot of hassle in the long run. You don't need his nonsense, and maybe it might make him see that "revenge" is not something you do when you profess to actually care about somebody.

You think your boyfriend will stop once he gets his "revenge"? He won't, and he will continue to belittle you and beat you over the head so to speak with the fact that "oh you cheated too, yeah but still, etc, etc, can't trust you, blah blah".

Get out now OP because this guy clearly only cares more about his own feelings and his own ego than anything you might feel or the obvious remorse you feel for what you did. The guys an idiot and he'll continue to make you feel shìt if you stay with him.

a fat guy

say_who_now? wrote: »

Your "boyfriend" is an ass. Walk away and save yourself a lot of hassle in the long run. You don't need his nonsense, and maybe it might make him see that "revenge" is not something you do when you profess to actually care about somebody.

You think your boyfriend will stop once he gets his "revenge"? He won't, and he will continue to belittle you and beat you over the head so to speak with the fact that "oh you cheated too, yeah but still, etc, etc, can't trust you, blah blah".

Get out now OP because this guy clearly only cares more about his own feelings and his own ego than anything you might feel or the obvious remorse you feel for what you did. The guys an idiot and he'll continue to make you feel shìt if you stay with him.

Are you sure it's not more of a case of "cause and effect"?

The man wanted to forgive OP, but couldn't in the end. This is expressing itself in the actions he is performing now. Why he chose now to do this, I don't know... But the relationship is going nowhere OP. I think it's best to just end it now. He can't forgive you. He's just incapable of it. He certainly forgave you way too soon by the way,

I really do think that calling the boyfriend an ass is going a bit too far, I mean, she did cheat on him... That's one of the worst things you can do to people! (I'm not trying to judge you here OP, just trying to understand say_who's point of view)

If I was the boyfriend, the only reason I would take you back a SINGLE DAY after finding out you cheated on me (Normally it would take much longer to forgive someone!), would be if I had some major insecurities and feared being alone. Now that he has had time to think about it, or "stew" over it, however you want to phrase it, he's changed his mind. Or perhaps the death of your friend brought it up in his mind again?

In either case, he didn't really forgive you the first time and I don't think either of you deserve the other's finer points... I mean you cheated on him and he's twisting a knife into you after the death of your friend. Just end it for the sake of both of you, please...

Lorna123

What sort of a Sadist is this man, to tell you he has forgiven you and then as soon as your friend dies he decides he wants revenge. It is like the danger of you being with your friend again is gone so he feels safe now to torment you. I would not have anything more to do with this guy if I were you OP, he will do your head in. I would not entertain him a minute longer. Dump him.

say_who_now?

a fat guy wrote: »

say_who_now? wrote: »

Your "boyfriend" is an ass. Walk away and save yourself a lot of hassle in the long run. You don't need his nonsense, and maybe it might make him see that "revenge" is not something you do when you profess to actually care about somebody.

You think your boyfriend will stop once he gets his "revenge"? He won't, and he will continue to belittle you and beat you over the head so to speak with the fact that "oh you cheated too, yeah but still, etc, etc, can't trust you, blah blah".

Get out now OP because this ìt if you stay with him.

Are you sure it's not more of a case of "cause and effect"?

I really do think that calling the boyfriend an ass is going a bit too far, I mean, she did cheat on him... That's one of the worst things you can do to people! (I'm not trying to judge you here OP, just trying to understand say_who's point of view)

The bolded part there fatguy. You don't turn round to somebody you profess to love a year later after something happens and say you want "revenge", how cruel is that, really? Do a post history search on the OP and look at the dates of the posts and you'll see just how much of an ass this guy is being, seriously!

The boyfriend should've broken up with her if he was that put out by her cheating on him, but he didn't, because it suited him. He has no right to turn around to her and say to her a year later, to her face, that NOW he'll have his "revenge". I could think of more choice words for the OP's boyfriend, but they'd probably see me banned from the forum.

The OP and her boyfriend's behaviour strike me as a young couple and I actually agree with you fatguy that this relationship is toxic, but to my mind, the OP is coming out the worst of it and should get out now and give herself a chance at a fresh start away from this guy and his manipulative shìt.

Oryx

Jojo15 wrote: »

Now this problem i need advise on and some people will not want to help me and wont agree on what i've done but i realy need help because its tearing me apart and my relationship, over a year ago ive cheated on my boyfriend i had sex with someone twice and it was the end off it but i knew the person for a while me and him knew it was wrong and we stayed friends he was there for me when i needed to talk about my personal problems and past , and at christmas he passed and my boyfriend found out what happened he took me back a day later and said i love you and forgive you and now a year later he brings it all up and says he wants revenage ?? bit childish if you ask me because he says he wants me to hurt im terribly hurt im hurt by the fact i hurt him and the fact my friend is lifeless now .
i was only with my boyfriend 2 months when it happened so wasnt that serious as it is now and i would never dream in my life in doing it again i done it because i had feelings not for sex . how do i make this better ? how do i make him want me and fall in love with me all over , or do i just walk away and grief for my friend and start building my life again and fall in love with someone else , but what i want it my boyfriend and a future together .

The first thing is to stop beating yourself up over cheating. You did it and you can't change that, but you know in your heart why you did it, and you regret it, and it won't happen again. Please forgive yourself for it.

Secondly, you are entitled to grieve for your friend who died, regardless of the fact that you were unfaithful with him. His death still hurts. You are allowed to remember him, and try to do that without the guilt that you carry about what you did with him. He was still a friend, you were intimate with each other. Your feelings about that, and his loss, are valid.

The third issue is your current boyfriend, and how he is now bringing up something you felt was dealt with. You have to find out why, now, this has become an issue for him again. And he is the only one who can tell you that. It smacks of insecurity and jealousy on his part, maybe something else has happened in his life or between you to weaken your relationship? The only way to sort this out is to talk honestly to him. Maybe he can forgive you or accept your assurances that you would not cheat on him again, maybe he can't. But that is the key thing. You cant do more than you are doing.

Jojo15

Thanks for all the posts , its like talking to a wall but i will try talk again i do love him he Is lovely but this Is rippon my heart out

Lorna123

Don't put up with this nonsense one minute longer OP. Just tell him it is over now if he doesn't stop talking like this. Break up until he feels he can trust you again. If he thinks he can torment you now he is barking up the wrong tree and just tell him that. Don't entertain this sort of torture, you need to stop it now.

Jojo15

ok , i will explain more , he found out after my friend died , nd when he took me back he asked me to remove all memories like him on facebook and his family and pictures , and i did get rid off them , now ive also tattoo that my friend died and i got them for myself but more so for my friend i like them now he wants me to get them removed and i say to him i will but in fact i cant and i wont if he keeps fightin and wantin reveage im sick off tryin to be nice , and i said to him take my feelings in and he said i am and he wont talk to a concellor or anybody and i said well then i cant do nothing anymore i've tried all i can to resolve this and not let it in the way of a future together i've said sorry 100 million times i've cried , i've spoiled him with presents and i dont get anything from it but " I WANT REVEAGE" . do any of you think if he realy cares he would just stop this nonsese ? and if i dont want to break up want can i do to make him realise im worth something i feel like going away and letting him wonder were i am who im with and how much he misses me but its so hard . I genuinely love him even doh i cheated on him and i realy can see a future for us but not if he does this !

Lorna123

What you have to do now OP is just say to him that you have done all you are prepared to do to make this relationship work. The guy in question is dead, R.I.P., so your O/H has no fear that you are ever going to hitch up with him again. Just say that if he cannot or will not accept what you are saying now then the relationship must end. The problem, as I see it, is that you are allowing this man rule you and the more you cry/offer reassurances then the more he is tormenting you. He admitted himself that he wants revenge, so just put it to him now that if he is not going to stop all this nonsense and accept what you both have now then he can hump off. Be firm if you want results. He also waited until this guy died to act like this when he knew in his heart and soul that nothing would ever come of it again. Before he died he was afraid to act like this in case you went back to him. You know OP I actually think that you should break up with this guy, full stop, he is not a nice type and will always antagonize you whenever anything crops up in the future that he doesn't like. You would be well rid of him.

stargazer 68

OP I have to agree with the others - the guy is horrible. Why would you want to be with someone who treats you like this?? How on earth can you see a future with someone like that?

Big Bag of Chips

Your bf sounds very very insecure. But, and you mightn't like this, I think it was a bit insensitive on your part to get a tattoo relating to your friend. Of course, if he were "just" a friend, and nothing had ever happened between you then it would be a personal thing, and a nice personal tribute.

But as far as your bf is concerned:- this is someone you cheated on him with. Someone who maybe you are still holding a little candle for (in his mind), and someone he can't compete with now because he can never compete with your memories of this guy. He feels threatened by him, and there's nothing he can do about it. And maybe he's thinking he's the second prize. You can't have the other fella, so you're with him.

[Edit: If the roles were reversed, and he cheated on you with a close friend, and then had a tattoo in her memory would you feel a little threatend and "in her shadow"?]

Either way - I think this relationship is doomed. Your bf doesn't trust you, or doesn't trust that you love him as much as you say you do. You are spending your time trying to convince him that you do in fact love him. Neither of you are 'enjoying' this relationship - it seems to be battle after battle - him fighting against you, you going over the top trying to prove you want to be with him.

You should be happy in a relationship (that's the point of them) if neither of you are happy, then you both need to reassess what you want. You may be able to work it out.... you may not.

Stavro Mueller

Sorry OP but I don't see any future in this.

In your boyfriend's defence, I can see where he's coming from. It's bad enough that his girlfriend cheated on him but then things got a bit more complicated. The other guy died and his girlfriend cared so much about him that she got a tattoo. What sort of signal does that send out? It's very hard to compete against a dead guy.

That's about all I can say about him that is nice I'm afraid. It's obvious that he never actually did forgive you. That in itself isn't necessarily a crime because it can be hard to put something like that in the past. What is unforgivable though is his refusal to take any steps to get over this. All he wants is his revenge and to hurt you.

Whatever you do, STOP seeking his forgiveness. Stop crying, pleading, buying him presents etc. It's not working, is it? Personally I would run to the hills from this nasty piece of work and his revenge. My guess is that you don't want to do this so I'm not going to suggest this. Instead, grow yourself some backbone. Tell him that either this talk of revenge stops NOW. That he seeks help if it's necessary or you walk. He can like it or lump it.

ABajaninCork

Revenge, my foot! Your boyfriend sounds like a nasty, controlling, bully. If he can't move on, then fine. Get rid.