Want a relationship but don't know what to do

wannabesedated

Hi all

So i've been seeing this guy for the last few months and at the start it was pretty intense and got serious fast, i think it scared him and he backed off a bit and we agreed to be just friends but that didn't work so a few weeks ago he said he was afraid of commitment and wants a relationship but would like to take it slow and work up to a relationship.

Things are good and i sense he is happier then we were before, he came over to mine last friday as most of my housemates were gone for the weekend, we just hung out for a few hours and everything seemed fine.

We started back in university this week and i suggested doing something soon, he said he wants to but is really busy with college work, (he's in final year) and wants to do well, but also he's really poor at the moment.
I am not worried about him being interested in me, i know he is he's made it clear in his actions over the last few months, even when we were doing the just friends thing he was flirting.

I'm unsure what to do as we are not exclusive but we are more than friends, i don't want to be to pushy and want to respect he has a lot of college work already but i can't help thinking that surely he could spare an hour or two a week or even make plans for a week or so, i don't need money to be spent as we have had plenty of fun for free in the past.

This is the first time that i want a relationship to work out as in the past i wouldn't have bothered and moved on but for me this guy is different.
I should probably add that he has a few family issues that caused him grief and led him to backing of the first time as he felt that he couldn't be in a relationship, he has since talked to me about them and admitted that he missed being with me, that even being in my company can make the problems go away and he doesn't want to lose me!

So i guess im asking am i over reacting with him saying he was busy? and how do i take things slow even though i want a relationship ?
I want this to work.
thank you

WhyGoBald

I'm unsure what to do as we are not exclusive but we are more than friends, i don't want to be to pushy and want to respect he has a lot of college work already but i can't help thinking that surely he could spare an hour or two a week or even make plans for a week or so, i don't need money to be spent as we have had plenty of fun for free in the past.

I'm not sure I'd accept the excuse that he's "working up to" a relationship, he could at least say you're going out together and not date anyone else. It's the not being exclusive part that makes me suspicious, OP. I think you're well within your rights to ask him at least to say that you are going out together exclusively if he is serious in claiming that he wants a relationship.

wannabesedated

That part is kind of nagging at me and i was planning on asking him if i could get time alone with him.. especially as a friend in university has hinted that he would like to go out sometime.

Could I just go up to him and say "are we exclusive because someone else has asked me out/shown interest?".

also just to add he's not seeing anyone else as i get on with his best friend and he told me that i'm the only girl in his life at the moment.

WhyGoBald

Leave out the part about someone else showing you interest; just be honest and say that you're feeling insecure and you'd like to be assured that this is going somewhere. Whether it's in terms of being exclusive or being girlfriend and boyfriend is up to you.

Once that is agreed on, you can discuss the issue of spending more time together.

Do be open with him, though, that is important. I know you feel uncertain, but you shouldn't feel you have to tiptoe around him.

Zoolander1

As a man, I was usually comfortable being exclusive when i truly liked the girl and could see it going somewhere. It tended to happen naturally and I didnt feel any pressure.

Other times, I held back on putting labels on things and frankly there were a few reasons for that...1) i liked the girl but there were certain things telling me this was not really IT so to speak, yet i liked her company 2) i had nothing else going on in terms of other options, quite sad but i did some stupid things when I was younger and also had similar done to me.

He may be serious about liking you and wanting to take it slow, if so you make time for one another and if things are physical, then you deserve to know whether he's playing the field. Sometimes people are too busy to make commitments, if you're not happy with that then you have to say something soon. Dont be just an option anyway.

wannabesedated

Thanks for the advice, I'm going to see if he settle's back into college and stops worrying about the work and see how it goes. But I am going to talk to him fairly soon about whether or not we're exclusive or keeping it casual for the time being.

Ellsbells

wannabesedated wrote: »

But I am going to talk to him fairly soon about whether or not we're exclusive or keeping it casual for the time being.

Why are you letting him call the shots? What do you want? Take back control of your own life.

A word from the old - if a guy is really into you, for other than fwb, he doesn't leave you hanging. If he is not giving you what you want then move on...

wannabesedated

i don't think im letting him call the shots completely as i dont want a full on committed relationship straight away as they can be a lot of work.

I'm just trying to find out if he thinks we're exclusive as id also like to know whether or not he's seeing other girls.

Missy Moo Moo

wannabesedated wrote: »

That part is kind of nagging at me and i was planning on asking him if i could get time alone with him.. especially as a friend in university has hinted that he would like to go out sometime.

Could I just go up to him and say "are we exclusive because someone else has asked me out/shown interest?".

also just to add he's not seeing anyone else as i get on with his best friend and he told me that i'm the only girl in his life at the moment.

OP, don't go up to him and tell him that someone else has asked you out, that will come across as game playing to him and if could backfire.

Just ask him are you a couple. Without sounding harsh, I don't think he's hugely into you. It took me a long time to realise this but I think when a guy is into you, he's quick to let you know and he's worried someone else might snap you up so he makes it known he likes you. All this talk of being too busy and poor smacks of someone who is just not that mad about you.

I could be wrong but that's just my opinion. Sorry OP.

Missy Moo Moo

wannabesedated wrote: »

i don't think im letting him call the shots completely as i dont want a full on committed relationship straight away as they can be a lot of work.

I'm just trying to find out if he thinks we're exclusive as id also like to know whether or not he's seeing other girls.

Hi OP,

Me again. Can I ask OP, are you being completely honest with yourself? I've done it many a time myself where I've pretended I'm cool with casual arrangements but I was lying to myself. I think that's what's happening here to be honest.

You say you don't want a full on committed relationship but then in the next sentence you say you want to know whether he's seeing other girls. You clearly want to be his girlfriend. If you were happy with it being a casual FWB arrangement, would you care whether he was seeing other girls or not?

If someone is not given you what you want then don't be afraid to walk away. I'm sure there are plenty of guys who would be happy to call you their girlfriend.

pinkdaisy

I don't want to tell you what you don't want to hear, but I think if he truly wanted a relationship with you he would want to make it official too.

He's gonna want to make you his, make sure you're not with anyone else whilst he takes time hesitating. Trust me, guys know when they meet the girl they wanna be with, and you WILL know when you're that girl, i.e there will not be any doubt in your mind, YOU will know also,

You are not that girl for him.