The Deputy (My first attempt at a real story)

Rubecula

Part one (I have more to come, but all comments will be gratefully received)

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[The Deputy]

Jackson Aldi smiled slightly as he watched the parade below him. Thud was a decent place, with decent folk, and this parade to mark their joining of the Federation was pretty impressive. The lyrics to the anthem could do with a little improving though. "We Are Good, We Are Thud" became a little repetative after a while.

Jackson turned to the Chief of Police alongside him. "Your people are really enjoying this ceremony."

"Indeed we are Deputy" replied the Chief, "We have been waiting a century to join the Federation, and the common market place you have"

"Have you had any trouble from the Union of Stars Assembly?

"Not so much trouble per sé, but they have tried over the last decade or so to bring subtle pressure to bear to get us to join them. Frankly I would sooner join the Empire than those folks, but the best has happened really, the Federation is the best option for a small economy like ours."

Jackson, who was part of the official welcoming party, nodded politely at the compliment. It was fairly truthful however. Humankind had spread out from mother Earth millenia ago in a great expansion, terraforming hostile lifeless worlds in a bid to ensure the continuation of the species. Sadly, politics always reared it's ugly head. The Federation of None Aligned Planets was home to Jackson, and also home to some 95 inhabited planets and moons, the Empire was home to 200 or more under the benign rule of Emperor Charles XXI, although he didn't so much rule as act as a figurehead for his government as far as Jackson could tell. The Union on the other hand was home to about 170 planets and moons that were inhabited, and was pretty easy going with laws and such. The President of the Union always (to Jackson's mind) seemed to be the one who spent enough money to be voted in. It was a political system he despised.

All three of these spheres of humanity had spread out from Earth and of all Planets Earth and her sisters (Mars. Ganymede, Europa, Mercury and so on )were the only ones that could never join any of them. Infact the borders between Empire, Union and Federation all came together at Earth (Or more correctly Earth's Solar system)

Thud was a harsh place to look at with uneducated eyes, many folks still lived in the domes, although the terraforming had made the atmospher breathable, the habit of dome living had not yet passed away. Perhaps in another generation or so. There was a slight metallic tang to the air too Jackson noted, not unpleasant but noticable for the first day or two of breathing it.

The parade, having passed by began to recede into the distance, and the Chief of Police took Jackson's arm. "Come on inside my friend and have a glass of wine with my sister.and I." He held his arm out to allow Jackson to preceed him. " Did I ever tell you I was in the Space Police for 15 years before I returned home?"

"Really? I am impressed with that, I did 5 years before joining the Sheriff's Office. " responded Jackson. The Space Police was the only route to joining the Sherrif's Office in the Federation and only the best recruits were accepted, but to be in the Police at all for 15 years meant that the Chief had been an outstanding member of that august association. "Why did you never move to the Sheriff's?"

"I was good at what I did, I could train and recruit young lads from a dozen worlds and bring them along correctly, the downtime was also perfect for me as I had a growing family. And anyway I didn't liked the the idea of flying solo around the sector like you lads do. My navigational skills were a little bit awry at the best of times. " The Chief paused. "Anyway, here we are, make yourself comfortable, I am sure the Federal President and his officials are about to sit down to lunch with the Thud President and his officers, so we can relax a little. By the way, will we be in your sector? "

The question was an apt one, for the Sherrif's Office had a vast volume of space to cover, the entire Federation in fact, and had been divided up into 10 sectors named after the seven colours of the spectrum plus Brown, Black and White. (White being the Adminstrative zone for the Federation) Jackson's area was Green 9, there being 12 Greens.

"Yes, Thud is inside my sector, just. You are on the border with Green 8, but George Pascal who is the Deputy in Green 8 already has far to much to do, and so you are my responsibility. That is if you don't mind me being your liason?"

"I am pleased with that" replied the chief, " I did ask for a file on you you understand?"

"Of course, it is quite normal for that to happen. Hopefully you find it acceptable? "

"Very much so, especially as our planetary laws coincide very precisely with the inter planetary laws used by the Federation. I think we will get along extremely well."

Both men sat down at a hard wooden table covered in a delicate white lace tablecloth. The Chief noticed Jackson's slightly raised eyebrows. "Yes" he smiled "A real hardwood table and genuine Irish lace all the way from Earth. It belonged to our great grandfather, it is a family heirloom."

Just then the Chief's wife and sister arrived with a bottle of wine and a tray of glasses. The Chief introduced them all to each other. "My wife Indala, my sister Lallia, and Ladies this is Deputy Sheriff Jackson Aldi, who I am sure we will be seeing quite a lot of in the coming years."

Jackson stood up and shook hands with the ladies, surprised at the strength of their grip.

[to be continued]

Rubecula

As you can see I have gone down the sci-fi genre route, it seemed to be the easiest option to start out on, although how it will pan out from here as I write more I don't really know. Hopefully it will not prove too difficult. But there is more to come when I have sorted through the draft.

alchemist33

Hi Rubecula,
From your other thread, I can see you're pretty serious about your writing, so I'll give this a good go.


***

Jackson Aldi smiled slightly as he watched the parade below him. Thud was a decent place, with decent folk, and this parade to mark their joining of the Federation was pretty impressive. The lyrics to the anthem could do with a little improving though. "We Are Good, We Are Thud" became a little repetative repetitiveafter a while. nice start

Jackson turned to the Chief of Police alongside him. "Your people are really enjoying this ceremony."

"Indeed we are Deputy comma" replied the Chief, full stop"We have been waiting a century to join the Federation, and the common market place you havefull stop"

"Have you had any trouble from the Union of Stars Assembly?

"Not so much trouble per sé, but they have tried over the last decade or so to bring subtle pressure to bear to get us to join them. Frankly I would sooner join the Empire than those folks, but the best has happened really, the Federation is the best option for a small economy like ours."Union, Federation, Empire -- it's all a lot to take in so early on, and a bit confusing

Jackson, who was part of the official welcoming party, nodded politely at the compliment. It was fairly truthful however. Humankind had spread out from mother Earth millenia ago in a great expansion, terraforming hostile lifeless worlds in a bid to ensure the continuation of the species. Sadly, politics always reared it's ugly head. The Federation of None Aligned Planets was home to Jackson, and also home to some 95 inhabited planets and moons, the Empire was home to 200 or more under the benign rule of Emperor Charles XXI, although he didn't so much rule as act as a figurehead for his government as far as Jackson could tell. The Union on the other hand was home to about 170 planets and moons that were inhabited, and was pretty easy going with laws and such. The President of the Union always (to Jackson's mind) seemed to be the one who spent enough money to be voted in. It was a political system he despised.

All three of these spheres of humanity had spread out from Earth and of all Planets Earth and her sisters (Mars. Ganymede, Europa, Mercury and so on )were the only ones that could never join any of them. Infact the borders between Empire, Union and Federation all came together at Earth (Or more correctly Earth's Solar system) Okay, you're explaining it all there, and the explanation is fine. However it's a big block of information (technically, an "infodump") dropped in at the start when you should be concentrating on drawing in the reader with conflict or mystery, rather than explanation. It would be better to drip this information in pieces through the first chapters

Thud was a harsh place to look at with uneducated eyes,full stop many folks still lived in the domes, although the terraforming had made the atmosphere breathable, the habit of dome living had not yet passed away. Perhaps in another generation or so. There was a slight metallic tang to the air toocomma Jackson noted, not unpleasant but noticable for the first day or two of breathing it.

The parade, having passed by you could drop the blue part as it's covered in the next part of the sentencebegan to recede into the distance, and the Chief of Police took Jackson's arm. "Come on inside my friend and have a glass of wine with my sister.rogue full stopand I." He held his arm out to allow Jackson to preceed him. " Did I ever tell you I was in the Space Police for 15 years before I returned home?"

"Really? I am impressed with that, needs a full stop or a semi-colonI did 5 years before joining the Sheriff's Office.need comma before the speech mark, when you use a dialogue tag after it " responded Jackson. The Space Police was the only route to joining the Sherrif's Office in the Federation and only the best recruits were accepted, but to be in the Police at all for 15 years meant that the Chief had must have been (since he didn't this about the chief)been an outstanding member of that august association. "Why did you never move to the Sheriff's?"

"I was good at what I did, full stopI could train and recruit young lads from a dozen worlds and bring them along correctly, the downtime was also perfect for me as I had a growing family. And anyway I didn't liked the the idea of flying solo around the sector like you lads do. My navigational skills were a little bit awry at the best of times. " rogue spaceThe Chief paused. "Anyway, here we are, make yourself comfortable, I am sure the Federal President and his officials are about to sit down to lunch with the Thud President and his officers, so we can relax a little. By the way, will we be in your sector? "

The question was an apt one, for the Sherrif's Office had a vast volume of space to cover, the entire Federation in fact, and had been divided up into 10 sectors named after the seven colours of the spectrum plus Brown, Black and White. (White being the Adminstrative zone for the Federation) Jackson's area was Green 9, there being 12 Greens.The whole paragraph risks being infodumpy, but you might get by wothout the blue bit

"Yes, Thud is inside my sector, just. You are Speech without the contractions can seem a little stilted, unless that's what you're going for. Therefore, consider "You're"on the border with Green 8, but George Pascal who is the Deputy in Green 8 already has far to much to do, and so you are you're my responsibility. That is if you don't mind me being your liason?"

"I am pleased with that" replied the chief, full stop" rogue spaceI did ask for a file on you you understand?"

"Of course, it is quite normal for that to happen. Hopefully you find it acceptable? "

"Very much so, especially as our planetary laws coincide very precisely with the inter planetary laws used by the Federation. I think we will get along extremely well."

Both men sat down at a hard wooden table covered in a delicate white lace tablecloth. The Chief noticed Jackson's slightly raised eyebrows. "Yescomma" he smiled "A real hardwood table and genuine Irish lace all the way from Earth. It belonged to our great grandfather, full stopit is a family heirloom."

Just then the Chief's wife and sister arrived with a bottle of wine and a tray of glasses. The Chief introduced them all to each other. "My wife Indala, my sister Lallia, and Ladies ladiesthis is Deputy Sheriff Jackson Aldi, who I am sure we will be seeing quite a lot of in the coming years."

Jackson stood up and shook hands with the ladies, surprised at the strength of their grip.


***

Don't let all the colour dishearten you. There are things you need to work on, such as punctuation (easily sorted) and avoiding infodumping (everybody does it at the start) but I've seen much, much worse from people and I think you could have a good story here. Remember that the opening is where you have to hook the reader so try and interest them early and explain later.


And (wagging imaginary finger) there's nothing easy about the SF route . The quality should be (and is) as good as any other genre. (It's my genre too)

Rubecula

Thank you very much for your input Alchemist. The full stops and comma's were more typos than anything else. Colons and such however are not something I am good at using, but hopefully I will learn. I am busy with the next bit of the story, which will be a bit more of an intro to Jackson Aldi's universe. The adventure should start some short while later, if I plan it right.

Your words of wisdom are gratefully received.

Agent Weebley

Hi Rubecula,

If the story is to be long, there is no need to infodump, as you need to start slowly. There is plenty of time to have the story unfold.

I just gave you some rather bizarre tips here.

With respect to semi-colons: they are used when you have 2 sentences that are so closely related, they could be joined with a comma, or separated with a full stop; a kind of waffle that you can iron out later on a re-read.


Later edit:
Oh, and I did enjoy it, but I had to re-read it a few times due to the many elements you introduced in such a short space. There's nothing wrong with us entering your world without you having to explain everything in great detail, in an obtuse way, where you titillate the reader with some unanswered questions . As long as you are in that world, it will unfold as it needs to unfold. For example, The Deputy jumps onto a motorcycle and starts to fly upwards. No-one cares what the source of power is, but they want to know how it feels and what happens when he does it.

You may want to read about EggyBaby!'s world about technical detail-oriented premises that caused him to not actually write the story yet . . . here. I have a call in to Captain James T Craic, Mr Spook, and Scatty. They are going to take me to see The Vadrang soon; I need to book the MySQL Enterprise Server.

--Kaiser--

Agent Weebley wrote: »

Hi Rubecula,

If the story is to be long, there is no need to infodump, as you need to start slowly. There is plenty of time to have the story unfold.

+1
I'm not a fan of exposition, it's so tedious to read

Rubecula

[The Deputy 2]


Jackson spent an entertaining evening with the family, speaking about police matters with the Chief, and answering questions for the ladies. He told them of his own mining background, or rather the mining background of his family, his interest in wildlife of Earth. He admitted he had never been to Earth, but would like to visit someday.

As the evening wore down, he finished his wine, and stood to say goodbye. The ladies in particular seemed reluctant to let him leave, although Chief Jarvis smiled knowingly as he escorted Jackson to the door. "The girls love gossip I am afraid, if you let them they would keep you here a year to make sure they got it all."

"Not a problem, I do understand that, my mother is exactly the same when folks come to visit. They're lovely ladies though."

"You will call by again soon?"

"Yes of course I will, you are now on my patrol route, so I'll always be around, and I'll stop off for a chat at regular intervals." Jackson shook hands in farewell with the Chief and turned to leave. A police vehicle pulled up and a door opened for him to step in. "Thud Police's compliments Deputy" came a cheery voice from inside. "Where would you like to go?"

Jackson, ducked in and sat in a comfortable seat before responding. "Spaceport please, my cruiser."

"Are you leaving right away sir?" The driver asked.

"No" he answered. "I will leave tomorrow, but my bed is in the cruiser and I do need a goodnight's sleep." He yawned widely. "Boy do I need a good night's sleep."

The police driver chuckled, "I will get you there in no time at all."

As good as his word, the driver delivered Jackson to the spaceport, and took him straight up to his entrance ramp on the side of his police cruiser before saying goodbye.

Jackson hurried aboard and set the auto-seal. Then as the ramp slide into the side of the cruiser, and the door shut behind him, he headed, not for his bed but the control room.

"Welcome back Sir" a happy sounding voice called.

"Thank you Ship, has anything much occured while I was away?"

"Nothing of note sir, they didn't seem too interested in a sorry old tub like me."

"Sorry old tub?" Jackson scoffed. "You Ship, are the sorriest excuse for a Paranoid Android I have ever come across."

"Sir" came the immediate answer. " I can not answer to the paranoid part of your statement, but I most certainly do argue with the calling me an Android. Firstly because an android, even one with a decent AI unit installed is a robot that looks like a human as much as possible. I am a serving AI unit whose main distinction is the controlling of a sizeable space ship, and I do have extremely good navigational skills too."

"Put a sock in it Ship"

"Sir, Sock inserted as ordered"

"SHIP, I can have your capacitors recalibrated"

"Yes sir", Although contrite, the sense of mechanical laughter was almost palpable.

"Anyway." Jackson was suddenly all business. "We need to lift off first thing, try to get us up about ten minutes before the President's ship Can you manage that?"

"Indeed I can Sir, I have already recieved take off times and ETA of the rendezvous point from the FED1. We will be in position in exactly .... " A short pause, probably for dramatic effect. "Ten standard hours and twenty-seven minutes."

"Excellent Ship, I will treat you to an oil bath when we get home."

"Sir, I do not require oil, but if you can fix me up with the answering machine at Willerby's Department Store ....."

"And, what would you do with an answering machine? Even one that sounds that feminine?"

"May I leave that to your imagination Sir?"

"I shudder to think Ship. Ok I am off to bed. Wake me an hour before lift off."

"Ship hour Sir or Standard?"

"Ship hour please Ship. And can you have a light breakfast ready too, it may be a busy day."

"Sir. Yes Sir"

Jackson headed for his cabin, showered and settled in to bed. The lights in the cruiser dimmed apart from an eerie blue glow in the control room as automated systems kept chattering away.

[To be continued]

Rubecula

At the requested time, Ship woke Jackson. Feeling still sleepy, he went to the galley and had a bite to eat.

"What is this? It is not too bad."

"I believe it is called a pancake sir" Ship's voice had a touch of humour in it.

"I didn't know an AI had a sense of humour."

"Basic misconception sir, Are you wanting to shower before lift off?"

"Of course, how long do we have?"

"Bit of a delay sir as there is an emergency medical supply ship about to leave for one of the moons in this system, we should be ok to leave in about half an hour though."

Jackson went for his shower and was dressed in his spacesuit ready for the lift off with about five minutes to spare. The spacesuit was standard procedure for lift off in case the vessel had problems, although Jackson himself had never heard of such a problem occurring. Even so, he did see the sense of it and stuck to it quite religiously.

Some time later in orbit, he sat watching Thud revolve below. "Nice place Ship, I may be back very soon I think."

Prophetic words.

Once the trajectories had been finally calculated by Ship's auxiliary navigational computers, Jackson gave the order to depart. Then the main engines whistled into action as the vessel moved away from Thud. Top speed was not too bad, but the aged machinery was a bit labored in getting there and it was not so manouverable at higher speed. But in honesty it had never really needed to be. All it was ever really used for was visiting worlds of the Federation to check on taxes and such like. The regular police handled most criminal activities off world.

"Sir I have a Mayday" Ship's voice was emotionless and all business. Jackson was about to remove his spacesuit, but stopped his actions and climbed into the pilot chair. "Where and who?"

"It is the medical supplies ship sir. It is under attack."

Rubecula

Sorry for the delay in continuing but I have been away a long time due to medical reasons.