What am I doing wrong?

Healthis

It has being an incredibly frustrating year for me regarding finding a potential partner. Infact last year was no better. I now feel that a majority of us in the gay community are massively challenged when it comes to finding that someone 'special'.

Firstly I am a 23 year old gay guy living in the midlands. Not the best place to be situated as the gay scene is almost non existant and many men whom I met are all closet cases terrified to come out, something I find very depressing. I am considered to be a very good looking lad with a tall athletic build, I'm not being vain here as I don't even go for looks in a partner but I my looks are praised on a weekly basis by random strangers who I have never met before and know nothing about me. Many of the guys who I have being with have raved about my looks and some claimed to be intimidated by how 'good looking' I was, again their words not mine. I know this annoys people but I am very 'straight acting' too, it's not obvious I am gay, not that it matters one bit.

I suppose my question is why is it that most of these guys just 'vanish' despite coming out with all this? Some guys have just stopped texting me (4 or 5 to be precise) after a few days. Others have become more and more distant after a few dates and then vanish too. I don't think my personality is an issue. I get on very well with everyone, am very well rounded, can hold a decent conversation (many guys have told me this) and I am a very genuine guy not to mention intelligent. I am not the type of guy to cling on to anybody and I would never be needy. I have absolutely no idea what I am doing wrong, infact I don't think I am....

Is this just an irish thing? Alot of gay men in Ireland just don't seem to know what they want, it's all very confusing....

1ZRed

I think a lot of lads here who are looking for boyfriends need to relax and have their fun. You'll find what you're looking for if you don't stress yourself looking for it.

If you cast your nets far and you keep going on dates and having a laugh of with a lot of guys, then of course you're going to eventually find somebody.

I found some guy that way, even though I didn't want that with him.

If you say you're a good looking, intelligent and fit guy then why would you have any worries? You'll have no bothers finding a boyfriend sooner or later.

Just have your fun in the meantime, don't dwell on it and it'll happen eventually for you.

BrazIrish

Healthis wrote: »

It has being an incredibly frustrating year for me regarding finding a potential partner. Infact last year was no better. I now feel that a majority of us in the gay community are massively challenged when it comes to finding that someone 'special'.

Firstly I am a 23 year old gay guy living in the midlands. Not the best place to be situated as the gay scene is almost non existant and many men whom I met are all closet cases terrified to come out, something I find very depressing. I am considered to be a very good looking lad with a tall athletic build, I'm not being vain here as I don't even go for looks in a partner but I my looks are praised on a weekly basis by random strangers who I have never met before and know nothing about me. Many of the guys who I have being with have raved about my looks and some claimed to be intimidated by how 'good looking' I was, again their words not mine. I know this annoys people but I am very 'straight acting' too, it's not obvious I am gay, not that it matters one bit.

I suppose my question is why is it that most of these guys just 'vanish' despite coming out with all this? Some guys have just stopped texting me (4 or 5 to be precise) after a few days. Others have become more and more distant after a few dates and then vanish too. I don't think my personality is an issue. I get on very well with everyone, am very well rounded, can hold a decent conversation (many guys have told me this) and I am a very genuine guy not to mention intelligent. I am not the type of guy to cling on to anybody and I would never be needy. I have absolutely no idea what I am doing wrong, infact I don't think I am....

Is this just an irish thing? Alot of gay men in Ireland just don't seem to know what they want, it's all very confusing....

That's what I ask myself every now and then... at some point I thought I was the problem or maybe because I am not Irish and you guys might be more 'reserved' or 'open' to this thing which is not true as I have loads of friends in long time relationships and even married. I met a couple of guys whom I was talking to and they vanish.. The last one said he was seeing someone else, at least someone said something...
Worth saying that I work with loads of gays (which is really funny as I didn't know about them till some weeks ago) and talking to one of my best friends he was just moaning about this happening over and over and seems he's gonna have a relationship with a French lad.
I just gave up of meeting someone, I'm in dating sites, go out but seriously I don't think I'll find it as it looks so hard. Guess I'm gonna look for South Americans, need to find them tho lol

floggg

Healthis wrote: »

It has being an incredibly frustrating year for me regarding finding a potential partner. Infact last year was no better. I now feel that a majority of us in the gay community are massively challenged when it comes to finding that someone 'special'.

Firstly I am a 23 year old gay guy living in the midlands. Not the best place to be situated as the gay scene is almost non existant and many men whom I met are all closet cases terrified to come out, something I find very depressing. I am considered to be a very good looking lad with a tall athletic build, I'm not being vain here as I don't even go for looks in a partner but I my looks are praised on a weekly basis by random strangers who I have never met before and know nothing about me. Many of the guys who I have being with have raved about my looks and some claimed to be intimidated by how 'good looking' I was, again their words not mine. I know this annoys people but I am very 'straight acting' too, it's not obvious I am gay, not that it matters one bit.

I suppose my question is why is it that most of these guys just 'vanish' despite coming out with all this? Some guys have just stopped texting me (4 or 5 to be precise) after a few days. Others have become more and more distant after a few dates and then vanish too. I don't think my personality is an issue. I get on very well with everyone, am very well rounded, can hold a decent conversation (many guys have told me this) and I am a very genuine guy not to mention intelligent. I am not the type of guy to cling on to anybody and I would never be needy. I have absolutely no idea what I am doing wrong, infact I don't think I am....

Is this just an irish thing? Alot of gay men in Ireland just don't seem to know what they want, it's all very confusing....

Sorry, but the sheet volume of these threads suggests there are plenty of gay men looking for love.

I agree with 1ZRed. Stop trying do hard and getting yourself despondent over it.

And try not to take it so personally. Your far from the first person, gay or straight, that had taken sometime to find somebody right for them. Even if guy are as great as you said (sorry but you laid it on a bit too thick), the guys you've meet probably just didn't click with you for whatever reason. While you might have thought it went great, they might just not have seen it going anywhere for whatever reason.

My mate joined a dating site well over a year ago. He went on loads of dates, met plenty of nice girls but never got anywhere serious with them. Still single over a year later.

These things happen. Some people find love instantly, others don't. He's never once to my knowledge complained that there is anything inherently wrong with straight people that they can't find love.

I know plenty of other long term single straight people who equally don't blame their lack of a partner on their sexual orientation.

If finding a partner was easy, nobody would be single. Given the smaller pool which you have to select from in the midlands it's probably a bit harder.

But don't blame the gays.

Aurongroove

This forums gets so many of these thread that a meet up should really be arranged.

But then would all these posters go? at any one time there are between 2 and half a dozen of these types of threads started here, so if someone needs to say it then let me say it:

meet up. meet people, if people message you message back. Arrange a forum meet. PM someone on the forum a similar age and geographical location to you.

how many fecking lonely 20-30 year olds have started threads on this forum in the last 6 months?

It's crazy.

baby and crumble

Aurongroove wrote: »

This forums gets so many of these thread that a meet up should really be arranged.

But then would all these posters go? at any one time there are between 2 and half a dozen of these types of threads started here, so if someone needs to say it then let me say it:

meet up. meet people, if people message you message back. Arrange a forum meet. PM someone on the forum a similar age and geographical location to you.

how many fecking lonely 20-30 year olds have started threads on this forum in the last 6 months?

It's crazy.

I agree. The problem is, however, that I think a lot of people loose their nerve when it comes to the meetups (understandably). At the last 3 that were organised, I think the most we had was 4 people. Possibly 5. But you're never going to meet someone if you don't slightly even put yourself out there. And I honestly don't believe that clubs are the way to do it. I met my partner of 8 years doing charity work in college. We just so happened to be both gay and fancy the pants off each other.

This isn't a gay issue though, I don't think. I have so many single straight friends who say the exact same thing. They seem to be surprised that they never meet anyone, when they expect other people to do the running. Yes, for us in the LGBT community the possible partners who will fancy you back is smaller, but that's just life. YOu have to get on with it.

1ZRed

If I make a point for a second OP, you posted about a guy who you had an eye on and wondered whether or not you should do anything about it or if he was gay or not. All you had to do was ask and that would have found your answer out straight away, but you didn't.

I'm wondering if this carries over to how you are with guys in general. Nothing wrong with being a bit cautious but do you ever approach supposedly straight guys on a night out to find out if they are actually gay or bi?
I do it and a lot of the time they're just straight and that's no bother, we laugh about it and go back drinking, other times you'd be very surprised with what you find.

It's all about putting yourself out there, which I don't think you are doing fully. If you're looking for straight acting men that's how you'll find them without grindr and sites to help you out (of all the guys I've come across there, I wouln't want a relationship with any of them!)

I take it there's no gay bar around, there isn't for me either so I meet up in straight clubs. Its not scary or intimidating and especially not if you're winging it with your mates.

yagguy

It's interesting to see how frequently on Gaydar someone posts 'boring in here today' or something like that.

However a lot of guys go on Gaydar hoping someone else will read every word on their profile, imagine them for the amazing person that they are and so they sit back waiting for someone to private them.

You've got to be proactive. Not just online but outdoors.

Walker77

Healthis wrote: »

It has being an incredibly frustrating year for me regarding finding a potential partner. Infact last year was no better. I now feel that a majority of us in the gay community are massively challenged when it comes to finding that someone 'special'.

Firstly I am a 23 year old gay guy living in the midlands. Not the best place to be situated as the gay scene is almost non existant and many men whom I met are all closet cases terrified to come out, something I find very depressing. I am considered to be a very good looking lad with a tall athletic build, I'm not being vain here as I don't even go for looks in a partner but I my looks are praised on a weekly basis by random strangers who I have never met before and know nothing about me. Many of the guys who I have being with have raved about my looks and some claimed to be intimidated by how 'good looking' I was, again their words not mine. I know this annoys people but I am very 'straight acting' too, it's not obvious I am gay, not that it matters one bit.

I suppose my question is why is it that most of these guys just 'vanish' despite coming out with all this? Some guys have just stopped texting me (4 or 5 to be precise) after a few days. Others have become more and more distant after a few dates and then vanish too. I don't think my personality is an issue. I get on very well with everyone, am very well rounded, can hold a decent conversation (many guys have told me this) and I am a very genuine guy not to mention intelligent. I am not the type of guy to cling on to anybody and I would never be needy. I have absolutely no idea what I am doing wrong, infact I don't think I am....

Is this just an irish thing? Alot of gay men in Ireland just don't seem to know what they want, it's all very confusing....

You are 23 and you do'nt have to settle for Irish. Live life embrace it goodness enjoy every day. Do'nt focus on the negative and look remember the nice experiences you've had with these guys.

ShanePouch

Healthis wrote: »

It has being an incredibly frustrating year for me regarding finding a potential partner. ...Some guys have just stopped texting me (4 or 5 to be precise) after a few days. Others have become more and more distant after a few dates and then vanish too.

Dating can be frustrating, especially if we choose the wrong people to meet. i've heard it said that we are destined to make the same mistakes, with the same outcome, until we learn the lesson we have to learn about ourselves. I guess if I were you I'd ask myself why I chose people who were the sorts of people who stop texting, or are the sorts of guys who become distant and vanish. Then I'd alter my criteria for meeting guys and keep re-honing it until I meet guys who don't stop texting out of the blue, and don't just vanish without an explanation, and meet guys who are more suited to me.

Many of us grew up with fairystories where the thrust of the story is that there is one person in the world for each of us, one day our eyes will meet across a crowded room, and then it will happen.

Reality is rarely like a fairystory, and ther are lots of others with whom we can have a potential relationship, but if we expect it to be love at first sight, then for most of us thats just a fairystory.

Dont' worry about all those who are afraid of their own shadows and secretive and so on. You are only looking for one person, and if you can change your criteria for the sort of people you choose for dates, then you'll find someone.

ongarboy

Walker77 wrote: »

You are 23 and you do'nt have to settle for Irish. Live life embrace it goodness enjoy every day. Do'nt focus on the negative and look remember the nice experiences you've had with these guys.

I think this post hits the nail! I also recommend you try not to view all past flings, brief encounters and ONSs as negatives just because they didn't evolve into the long term relationship you crave for. Try to view them all as part of the learning process and experience of meeting other guys and just having fun. If they were meant to be more significant or long-term, they would have. You are young and I do think it's good to be single and play the field a bit in your 20s so that when you do meet someone a little later, it will be all the more rewarding.

Aurongroove

there are two kinda of gays:
gays who are gay and gays who are gay.

Walker77

I was 24 when I came out and the one thing I found was not coming out and telling people I was gay (apart from my parents). Meeting up with guys was worse. I am a gentle guy who like to get to know anyone before I make second base. I met some straight guys who were "curious" and wanted their needs seing to and were never seen again and some "weirdos" who were not on this planet when it came to being with someone. Whether you are gay/straight/bi relationships are similar. You maybe the best person in the world but your significant other maybe from another planet. If you meet the right someone tomorrow keep them with you. If you do'nt forget them. I am with a guy for seven years. I love him to bits beause no matter what he is there for me. His job requires him to travel but he is with me always. I am a fememine type of guy and he is my rock and keeps me safe always.

Healthis

Thanks for some of the replies. Looking back now I realise I was in a different place back then. Now I am in the mind set of ''if it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't''. I have removed myself from all dating sites and gone off the radar. Anyway I am very happy with myself and life and I have no desire to be in a relationship or date anyone at this present time.

1ZRed

Healthis wrote: »

Thanks for some of the replies. Looking back now I realise I was in a different place back then. Now I am in the mind set of ''if it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't''. I have removed myself from all dating sites and gone off the radar. Anyway I am very happy with myself and life and I have no desire to be in a relationship or date anyone at this present time.

Getting off the dating/hook up sites won't do any harm, but if you're out with mates or go to some bars/clubs and meet lads then I wouldn't limit yourself to not finding anyone at all and going off the radar. What good would that do?

Meeting people out in real life and developing a relationship that way is a mile better then the fake reality of online.

But if you're happy and doing well, doesn't make a bit of difference.

toexpress

1ZRed wrote: »

Getting off the dating/hook up sites won't do any harm, but if you're out with mates or go to some bars/clubs and meet lads then I wouldn't limit yourself to not finding anyone at all and going off the radar. What good would that do?

Meeting people out in real life and developing a relationship that way is a mile better then the fake reality of online.

But if you're happy and doing well, doesn't make a bit of difference.

I quit the sites/apps and now have a BF! Have known him a long time. ...

1ZRed

toexpress wrote: »

I quit the sites/apps and now have a BF! Have known him a long time. ...

I don't know what it is but you kind of seem to give people a better chance in real life if you've met them out and they can make a great impression when you might have overlooked them online.

Plus you don't get rows and rows of guys to trawl through hoping to find a perfect guy that doesn't exist.
Suppose I'm not a big one for serious online dating anyway.

Conor30

1ZRed wrote: »

I don't know what it is but you kind of seem to give people a better chance in real life if you've met them out and they can make a great impression when you might have overlooked them online.

Plus you don't get rows and rows of guys to trawl through hoping to find a perfect guy that doesn't exist.
Suppose I'm not a big one for serious online dating anyway.

I'd have thought living in Galway would make being on those sites more necessary since there's almost non scene to speak of there. Galway isn't exactly falling down with gay men in your local Tesco.

1ZRed

Conor30 wrote: »

I'd have thought living in Galway would make being on those sites more necessary since there's almost non scene to speak of there. Galway isn't exactly falling down with gay men in your local Tesco.

It's a university city with thousands of students and a heap of them bi/gay. You don't need a street of gay bars for there to be a scene, which I couldn't care less about. You can head out to the normal clubs/bars and pull just fine.
Not presuming every straight looking guy to be straight goes a long way in helping.

Conor30

1ZRed wrote: »

It's a university city with thousands of students and a heap of them bi/gay. You don't need a street of gay bars for there to be a scene, which I couldn't care less about. You can head out to the normal clubs/bars and pull just fine.
Not presuming every straight looking guy to be straight goes a long way in helping.

True, but you also don't want to get your lights punched out, which is why I'd be slow approaching 'straight-acting' men in a straight bar. Gay men that are obviously gay don't attract me sexually.

You also must be very fortunate that you're very good-looking, if you pull that easily anywhere.

Healthis

Conor30 wrote: »

You also must be very fortunate that you're very good-looking, if you pull that easily anywhere.

Thank God for my good looks

floggg

Conor30 wrote: »

True, but you also don't want to get your lights punched out, which is why I'd be slow approaching 'straight-acting' men in a straight bar. Gay men that are obviously gay don't attract me sexually.

You also must be very fortunate that you're very good-looking, if you pull that easily anywhere.

Or just have a healthy positive attitude? Goes an awful lot further than looks and a poor attitude.

1ZRed

Conor30 wrote: »

True, but you also don't want to get your lights punched out, which is why I'd be slow approaching 'straight-acting' men in a straight bar. Gay men that are obviously gay don't attract me sexually.

You also must be very fortunate that you're very good-looking, if you pull that easily anywhere.

Why would you assume you'd get your lights punched out? You don't just go up to a guy and pull a move, you take it handy, mate-ish and get a feel of what he's like or up for. If you can read him a bit and suss him out, it's easy to find out what he could be up for.

And it's nothing to do with being very good looking. There are bigger and better guys out there then me, that shouldn't stop and dent your confidence when you're out at the ordinary clubs/bars. There's a pile of bi gay guys in their too, and plenty of curious guys as well.

Mr Clamp

Healthis wrote: »

It has being an incredibly frustrating year for me regarding finding a potential partner. Infact last year was no better. I now feel that a majority of us in the gay community are massively challenged when it comes to finding that someone 'special'.

Firstly I am a 23 year old gay guy living in the midlands. Not the best place to be situated as the gay scene is almost non existant and many men whom I met are all closet cases terrified to come out, something I find very depressing. I am considered to be a very good looking lad with a tall athletic build, I'm not being vain here as I don't even go for looks in a partner but I my looks are praised on a weekly basis by random strangers who I have never met before and know nothing about me. Many of the guys who I have being with have raved about my looks and some claimed to be intimidated by how 'good looking' I was, again their words not mine. I know this annoys people but I am very 'straight acting' too, it's not obvious I am gay, not that it matters one bit.

I suppose my question is why is it that most of these guys just 'vanish' despite coming out with all this? Some guys have just stopped texting me (4 or 5 to be precise) after a few days. Others have become more and more distant after a few dates and then vanish too. I don't think my personality is an issue. I get on very well with everyone, am very well rounded, can hold a decent conversation (many guys have told me this) and I am a very genuine guy not to mention intelligent. I am not the type of guy to cling on to anybody and I would never be needy. I have absolutely no idea what I am doing wrong, infact I don't think I am....

Is this just an irish thing? Alot of gay men in Ireland just don't seem to know what they want, it's all very confusing....

Keep da cox polished and ready for use man!