Sexual Rejection is getting too much

LegacyUser

I've been in a serious relationship for the past 5 1/2 years. For the 3 years it was perfect. Everything was fine. I was more than happy. We've been living together for over 4 and a half years and the last 2 years we basically have no sexual relationship at all unless prompted by me

We started out very sexual and now it's maybe once a month, which makes me very upset and left feeling rejected. I've tried to make it spontaneous or different and he says "no" and with excuses. We never kiss. I mean really kiss. We give each other a peck on the lips. The only time we do have sex is when he wants it, which like I stated before, is not very often. And even then, the many times I am rejected, I feel like he's only doing it to shut me up.

We have been having slight relationship problems, but normal - bills and such.But our biggest problem is the sex. And to me, it's a big deal. But to him, it's not. I tried explaining how important it is for us to communicate better. To just sit down and talk about how we feel. But every time I do that, I feel like I'm talking to a wall. I don't get very much response.

I know he loves me but I'm beginning to think he's not "in love" with me. I feel unattractive and angry. I get so angry when I think about this sometimes I just want to throw something. I moved out and went to a cousiller after I had found he still maturbates but rejects me so much, Had 2 sessions with him and explained this was a dealbreaker. He promised change and was sexual while we weren't living together. I'm back a month and he's initiated once and even turned down my offer of a blow job earlier when he said he didn't want sex as he was tired..I'm afraid I'm fighting a loosing battle and I think all the rejection has effected me too much to be looking at a more long term commitment.

Gooner111

Hey op, feel for you here. My ex was alot like that. Started after 2 years together - hints before then but there were various circumstances and she always said things would be better when we had our own place (didn't happen!). Throughout the 8 years together there were times when it was twice a week (never more) and times when it could be 5/6/7 months without any contact at all. It was always on her terms and only when she wanted it. Even when it was regular she made little effort so quality wasn't there. Anytime I tried raising the issue she decided I was sex mad and that she was happy with our sex life rather than admitting there was an issue. It wasn't what ended the relationship as I always hoped she would eventually see that sex, quality sex where both make an effort!, was important. But she never did. Looking back there are tons of things I should have ended the relationship over and that should have been one of them!! Don't stay longer if he is making no effort at all. It only gets worse.

HeyThereDeliah

Hey OP while I don't believe sex is the most important thing in any relationship I think it's important to know the reasons why either person does not want sex.
it's still a fairly new relationship and the chemistry should still be there. If it were me I would try to talk to him one last time but if that did not work then I would call it a day.
it's natural you are feeling like you do as no one can take rejection. I hope you can sort it out espicially if ye love each other.

LegacyUser

OP

I know others will tell you to work through it but I am not one of them.
As someone who is married, my OH sounds very like your partner. Started out great for us, sex drives seemed closely matched and for the first few years all was brilliant. Over this time she told me repeatedly that she did not have as high a sex drive as me but as things were great in the bedroom I just ignored it and carried on happy as Larry.

Fast forward a good few years now. Both working long hours and it was dwindled from a number of times a week to one a week at the weekends to the now once every few weeks. To say I am frustrated is an understatement. Unfortunately it is impacting my general happiness in a large way, don't feel as confident, stressed alot, angry for no reason. Basically I am becoming an anti-christ in my own mind. On a recent trip to the docs I was even asked if I was depressed, and what could I say? Couldn't admit what was really going on so just put it all down to the job.

We have talked about it, promises have been exchanged, plans made but 9 times out of 10 these are broken or forgotten or I am told I imagined it. After so many years I am tired of hearing this but what can you do? I love her and committed to spend the rest of my life with her.

What I am trying to get across to you here is get out now before you get even deeper involved. If things are bad now, just picture them in say 10 years or 15 years. Do you think you will be content or happy then or will you end up like me? Depressed, mood swings, crazy thoughts with low self esteem.

daisybelle2008

frustrated.com wrote: »

explained this was a dealbreaker.

Do you understand what the word dealbreaker means? You have spent 2 years living with a 'dealbreaker' situation. 2 years is a long time, longer than some relationships with absolutely no 'dealbreakers'.

A 'dealbreaker' is not something you use to threaten to leave a situation. It means there is a major a key requirement missing from the relationship, so you end the relationship.

I have no idea why you would spend 2 years tolerating this situation and ignoring your own needs. But you either realise you are wasting your time at this stage or not or at some level you are more afraid of being single than being in a unfullfilled relationship that leaves you angry and rejected. Now there is nothing wrong with that, plenty of people are happy to sell themselves short in that way. Are you one of those people?

Lorna123

He strikes me as someone who is quite happy pleasing (masturbating) himself and can't be bothered with a real sex life. He has obviously gotten used to not having to make a huge effort and now this man finds it hard to relate to a woman. I think he needs some kind of professional help to wean off himself and back to reality. I feel you should be putting that to him and if he isn't prepared to get help then the relationship is over. This situation won't get better unless some kind of an effort is made by him and he should be explaining why the sex is not forthcoming. This is too important to sweep under the carpet at this stage. It has to be brought out in the open.

Flutterby80

Hi, so sorry to hear you are feeling like this, I have just come out of a 4 year relationship with a man who barely touched me for the last 2 years so I understand the rejection and hurt your going through. He walked out on me less than 2 months ago and my heart is completely broken, all I can say is don't ignore this problem or try to sweep it under the carpet like I did because a lack of sex in a relationship is always a big deal and a huge indicator that something is seriously wrong. Take care.

shalalala

Sex has different importance in different relationships.

For me it is very important and I think that you have been very patient. If he is not willing to try then I think you should call it a day. I am sure that this is doing no good for your self-esteem. You deserve to have someone that makes sure that you feel attractive, this is part of being in love with someone.

Starokan

It seems to me your just not compatible as a couple. For you a sex life is extremely important, for him it seems it is not. That's actually far more common than you would think, there are lots of men and women with really low sex drives.

Relationships cover so many spheres, sex is just one of them but when its high on one persons list of priorities and not on the other then i think the end result is clear. I think the decision you have to make is whether or not the rest of the relationship makes it worth your while staying with him because i have a feeling that this is an aspect you will never be able to change.