Accused of being judgmental.

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

Going unreg for this.Bit of a strange one but I seem to be accused lately of being judgmental.First things first I don't drink or smoke and this seems to be the route of the problem.A few of my friends accuse me of being judgmental or looking down my nose at them when I go out and not drink.Truth is I don't really care what they drink and it's usually the opposite happens me,people ask me what I'm drinking (energy drinks) and ask me why I drink them,why I don't drink beer,this usually happens everytime I go out and I have to explain the reasons behind my decision.But for example if a friend complains to me about having a hangover if I say something like "well you did go a little hard on the sauce last night" they say I come across all high and mighty.

The reason for this thread is I lost a friend after she accused me of being judgmental.She broke up with her boyfriend and she used to drink 1 or 2 bottles of wine a night to cope with the grief and when she tell me I (a guy) would tell her "go easy".It wasn't till a few months later that she scolded me saying I was too judgmental,looking down my nose at her and not everyone could be as perfect as me but I was just looking out for her.How the friendship ended,she got back with said boyfriend while he was seeing another girl and I told her what she was doing to the other girl was unfair and while she and the ex can do what they want,it was cruel what they were doing to the other girl.This ended our friendship as she told me I was judging her.I'm just wondering instead of stating my opinion,to be more sympathetic to the cause or not state my opinion if it's likely to offend?Is there a happy medium?Or is a real friend supposed to give their honest opinion whether you agree with it or not you appreciate the honesty?I kinda think instead of being "judgmental" if I was more sympathetic to the situation she was in,she still be friends with me.

-Conflussed

ABajaninCork

When it come to the relationship thing, I would advise you NEVER to get involved for the reasons you stated. Inevitably the couple get back together, and over pillow talk, one will tell the other partner what their friends have told them about the relationship. You will ALWAYS be the one in the wrong. Next time, just say 'Look, I'm sorry to hear that. But I'm not getting involved.'

As for the not drinking thing? I take it you're quite young? I've found people in their 20's and 30's aren't quite so tolerant of those who don't follow the crowd. Next time someone asks, ask them why they apparently have a problem with the fact you don't drink. They'll probably splutter a bit. Then just smile and tell them it's your decision, and that's that. YOU won't be the one dying the next day and having to take a sickie as you're too hammered to work.

vard

I very very rarely drink - I might as well say I don't drink. I can relate to you. Socialising and alcohol unfortunately go hand in hand in Ireland; I really wish it wasn't the case.

I feel that I'm often looked down upon for not drinking. I've had people ask "what's wrong with you" and come to expect curious looks and queries as to why I don't drink, and as if I'm making some sort of statement.

I wish I could help out or give you an answer, but all I can do is say is that I totally understand where you're coming from. I could do with some non alcoholic friends...

stargazer 68

OP unfortunately some of your comments may come across as judgmental - leaving the relationship bit aside!

I have friends who, on a night out, have one drink and sit with it all night. Now I don't have a problem with that however if I want a second one I don't need comments like 'oh another one' etc etc. If we have a family function I have a couple of cousins who don't drink and the next day love to give a blow by blow account of what everyone did or said - not necessary!!

Now Im not trying to say that's what you are doing however you aren't being asked for your opinion. You certainly don't need to justify why you don't drink but thats another issue.

Ellsbells

Conflussed wrote: »

"well you did go a little hard on the sauce last night" they say I come across all high and mighty

Well maybe it sounds like fact to you but it does sound patronising to me.... Why cant you just say 'oh i hate that...' or something similar which is non judgemental. Rightly or wrongly most people dont like to be told how much they drink so I would bow out of a conversation like that if I were you.

Maybe you are one of those people who has an opinion on everything? Im not criticising but maybe its a fact and you dont realise it? There is nothing worse than having a conversation with someone who is always telling you what you should do. Have a think and see if thats the case.

I would not justify the drink thing to anyone. If someone asks why you dont drink just say 'I dont want to'... It's not their business.

cantdecide

I can tell you there are just two rules to being a non-drinker; 1) avoid telling people you don't drink if you can- with strangers, tell them you have to drive that night- life is much easier. 2) NEVER comment on others' drinking/ hangovers- they will always believe you have no right to comment.

On the other issue, as above, you have to let people learn the hard way for themselves. They won't thank you for being right when they're determined to do the wrong thing. No matter how big the issue, you're role is just to commiserate even if they wish to throw daggers in the heat of the moment.

tbh

Conflussed wrote: »

.But for example if a friend complains to me about having a hangover if I say something like "well you did go a little hard on the sauce last night"

While I wouldn't say that comment comes across as high and mighty, I think the problem is that you're confusing a mates request for sympathy with a request for advice. If someone says "I'm dying of a hangover" they aren't asking how they got the hangover, they are just moaning. In this case, the best thing I find (as a non-drinker myself) to say is simply one word: "Nightmare"