Dating a younger man.

LegacyUser

I knows it a small issue for some but it really bothers me so I just want to know boardies opinion on this.
I'm 32 and I've been dating my 27 years old boyfriend for 7 months. He told me he loves me after three months. From my experiences, I know if someone loves and cares about you, he absolutely would do anything for you. My boyfriend doesn't buy me presents, send flowers or book a trip away for us. Do not want to compare here, all my exes did all these things to me and I appreciated how much they cared and loved me so I feel like there is something missing in this relationship. I bought him a few thoughtful presents on different occasions and booked a weekend break for us once in June. I know relationship isn't about material things, although its nice to receive a gift of gesture now and then. He is in a good place financially, we went shopping together, he bought so many things for himself and thought nothing of me, it is not that I can't buy stuff for myself but what he acted was completely foreign to me. Yesterday he told me he has just booked a ticket to a concert for himself and two weeks holiday with the lads in Oct. I was upset, I thought he would like to spend one week with his mates and other week with me and he knows very well I'm on holiday the same week too. I'm close to love him back but he makes it impossible. I haven't got the best 7 months in this relationship due to his lack of communication, even though he is much better now, plus what he has told me yesterday makes me want to book a holiday with my friends, call it quits and walk away. Am I unreasonable here or he is not being fair?

Gooner111

You appear to have been lucky and found some generous blokes in your time but not every bloke will treat you the same. In this instance, for me, it looks like you've found yourself someone who thinks of himself only. Material things aren't important but the sentiment behind the gifts are. You've given him a few now and while you can't expect anyone to return the sentiment them not doing so shows their level of thought for you.

He might be in love with you but he doesn't appear to be giving you any/much consideration. Going away for two weeks with the lads knowing your off one of those weeks is not considerate at all. If it was something he had booked before meeting you then fair enough but to book if after 7 months dating is selfish. Cut your losses. Find someone who will treat you as you do them.

Honey-ec

This is not love wrote: »

He is in a good place financially, we went shopping together, he bought so many things for himself and thought nothing of me, it is not that I can't buy stuff for myself but what he acted was completely foreign to me.

You're financially independent but expected him to buy you something on the shopping trip regardless? Sorry, but that's completely foreign to me.

Ok, the holiday thing is clearly a communication issue and you need to address that with him, but I don't think it's reasonable for a grown woman who has her own money to expect presents for no reason, regardless of whether the man is five years her junior or her senior.

shalalala

I understand where you are coming from. It is more about the time and energy that he would spend on thinking about you or planning something for the two of you to do together rather then the money that is being spent.

The only thing I can say is tell him how you feel because at the moment it seems like an uneven relationship and you are more invested in it then he is. This will do nothing for your relationship or your ego. If nothing changes. You need to either accept it or move on.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for all your replies so far.

Re. Shopping trip, all I expected was for him to ask me if I wanted anything in the shop after spent hours helping him with his shoes and clothes. I picked up a small Yankee candle for his bedroom and paid for it myself because once he told me he liked that smell in my house. I would just like him to be more thoughtful and caring as a boyfriend. I'm not used to being treated that way so yes, it was foreign to me. I don't expect presents for no reason but we are at the beginning of a relationship.

Lorna123

[QUOTEYesterday he told me he has just booked a ticket to a concert for himself and two weeks holiday with the lads in Oct. I was upset, I thought he would like to spend one week with his mates and other week with me and he knows very well I'm on holiday the same week too. I'm close to love him back but he makes it impossible. I haven't got the best 7 months in this relationship due to his lack of communication, even though he is much better now, plus what he has told me yesterday makes me want to book a holiday with my friends, call it quits and walk away. Am I unreasonable here or he is not being fair?[/QUOTE]

I can't believe that if this guy knew you had the same week off as him that he didn't suggest you both do something for the week. I can tell you that would piss me off too. For him to book a ticket for a concert and not ask you would you like to go is selfish. The sad part of all of this is that you shouldn't have to tell him how you feel or ask him to be considerate, that should come naturally to him. What good is it if you have to remind him. I am afraid I would feel like you OP and would be tempted to walk.

Ellsbells

Yeah op I get where you are coming from. It's not about the money, it's about the treat.

As for the holiday, it would truly make me question his commitment. I just don't get why he would not want to go on holidays with his new girlfriend.

Pippy1976

This isn't an age issue.

It's an issue about him being different to your other boyfriends.

Love is about going to the shop to get yourself a can of coke and picking up an extra can for your partner because you know they'll like it... i.e. it's not about grand gestures.

The holiday thing is irritating but let's not get carried away here - you're only together 7 months. Plenty of time for lots of holidays yet.

ibarelycare

Lorna123 wrote: »

I can't believe that if this guy knew you had the same week off as him that he didn't suggest you both do something for the week. I can tell you that would piss me off too. For him to book a ticket for a concert and not ask you would you like to go is selfish. The sad part of all of this is that you shouldn't have to tell him how you feel or ask him to be considerate, that should come naturally to him. What good is it if you have to remind him. I am afraid I would feel like you OP and would be tempted to walk.

Wait a minute...the OP obviously didn't suggest a holiday together either, so why is it automatically the boyfriend's fault? And I don't see why booking a concert ticket for himself is selfish. Some people in relationships still like to be quite independent and like to do things without their partners.

OP I think you may have been a little bit spoilt in previous relationships. Not saying you ARE a spoilt person but your previous partners have obviously been very generous with their money. You say that if someone loves and cares for you, they should buy you flowers, gifts, etc. Why? You never mentioned if he's generous with his love or affection, shouldn't that be more important? Not being generous with money does NOT mean that someone isn't thoughtful.

LegacyUser

ibarelycare wrote: »

Wait a minute...the OP obviously didn't suggest a holiday together either, so why is it automatically the boyfriend's fault? And I don't see why booking a concert ticket for himself is selfish. Some people in relationships still like to be quite independent and like to do things without their partners.

OP I think you may have been a little bit spoilt in previous relationships. Not saying you ARE a spoilt person but your previous partners have obviously been very generous with their money. You say that if someone loves and cares for you, they should buy you flowers, gifts, etc. Why? You never mentioned if he's generous with his love or affection, shouldn't that be more important? Not being generous with money does NOT mean that someone isn't thoughtful.

Appreciate all your replies.

As we both love travel, we were talking about different places we like to go together. The fact that he suggested we should make it a priority to travel outside Europe at least once a year since we had been together so my fault to presume once we have the same time off work we would go away together. I could have booked a holiday with my friends weeks before but I put him first. I have no problem with him doing his own things, I love to do my own things too, but wouldn't it be nice if he asked me to go to that concert, I honestly would say No but I would think more of him.

He came over to plan our weekend date after work, I've told him I'm no longer want to be in this relationship, I gave him all the reasons( I didn't say anything about flowers, gifts....). He was shocked and he didn't realise how selfish he was when he decided to spend all his holiday with his mates. He said he just wanted a big and a last holiday with the lads before he is totally committed to me. I don't understand??? He dated women a lot younger than me in the past, he used to do what suits him. He expected he does what's good for him and when he comes back, I'm here for him. He is wrong. He wants to cancel one week of his trip but I've already planned my week away.

I agreed, I have been spoilt in previous relationships, as Gooner11 said not every bloke will treat me the same. Since I know the differences, I can't help it althought I know we can't always get what we want, but sometimes we get what we need as love and affection, thats the reason I was with him until he decided to put himself first.

Ellsbells

This is not love wrote: »

He said he just wanted a big and a last holiday with the lads before he is totally committed to me.

Makes no sense to me either.

Well done Op for knowing what you want and dont want in a relationship and sticking to your guns. Best of luck.

dannyc31

ppreciate all your replies.

As we both love travel, we were talking about different places we like to go together. The fact that he suggested we should make it a priority to travel outside Europe at least once a year since we had been together so my fault to presume once we have the same time off work we would go away together. I could have booked a holiday with my friends weeks before but I put him first. I have no problem with him doing his own things, I love to do my own things too, but wouldn't it be nice if he asked me to go to that concert, I honestly would say No but I would think more of him.

He came over to plan our weekend date after work, I've told him I'm no longer want to be in this relationship, I gave him all the reasons( I didn't say anything about flowers, gifts....). He was shocked and he didn't realise how selfish he was when he decided to spend all his holiday with his mates. He said he just wanted a big and a last holiday with the lads before he is totally committed to me. I don't understand??? He dated women a lot younger than me in the past, he used to do what suits him. He expected he does what's good for him and when he comes back, I'm here for him. He is wrong. He wants to cancel one week of his trip but I've already planned my week away.

I agreed, I have been spoilt in previous relationships, as Gooner11 said not every bloke will treat me the same. Since I know the differences, I can't help it althought I know we can't always get what we want, but sometimes we get what we need as love and affection, thats the reason I was with him until he decided to put himself first.

hmmm this would be an open and shut case imo if it was'nt the fact that it was only a 7month old relationship. ok firstly alot of men are just not the romantic type and no matter how much women wish they could be swept off their feet and surprised with a trip off to paris for the weekend, its not realistic in alot of cases. this guy is probably and never would be the romantic type.

the thing about the concert. it sounds to me that you are both into different types of music as you said yourself you probably wouldnt go anyway if he'd asked. he probably knew you were'nt into this band from previous conversations so in his head why would he ask you to something he nearly knows for sure you'd say no too? this is a text book situation were the brains of men & women work very differently. this is a communication thing, you sound like the type of girl who acts like nothing is wrong by says nothing and expects the guy to pick up on whats wrong. it doesnt happen, men are practically retarded when it comes to emotional intelligence but many women do not want to believe thats the truth but it is.

anyway all that said he does seem very self centered and was really struggling wit the idea of giving up alot of his independence hence the last big blow out with the lads, but chances are this trip away would of just made him realize that he is not ready for such a big commitment yet as it has'nt become natural for him yet to want to include you in all his activities and getaways.

i suppose its about getting that balance but i'd advice you not to put to much substance on future men on how thoughtful or romantic they are especially in the early stages of the relationship. for alot of men it takes time to commit to a full blown relationship especially if up to now they've always been very independent.

Lorna123

I would agree that all men are different and if you expect every man to be considerate then you are barking up the wrong tree.

However, the OP knows what she wants and likes in a man and a relationship and if this man if not prividing this then she is wasting her time with him as he will never make her happy. There could be plenty of women out there who would be delighted with this man so best of luck to them. It takes all types.

There are also plenty of men out there who are romantic and considerate, and if that's what the OP wants then she will have to set this guy free and find someone else because telling him how to behave doesn't cut it. That's what I would do.

I am not saying that there is anything wrong with this man, just that he doesn't suit the OP. He would not suit me either.

Lorna123

[QUOTE=I bought him a few thoughtful presents on different occasions and booked a weekend break for us once in June. I know relationship isn't about material things, although its nice to receive a gift of gesture now and then. He is in a good place financially, we went shopping together, he bought so many things for himself and thought nothing of me, it is not that I can't buy stuff for myself but what he acted was completely foreign to me. Am I unreasonable here or he is not being fair?[/QUOTE]

You bought him a few small presnets OP and booked a weekend break, but this guy never even thought to buy you anything at any stage and then he books a concert ticket for himself !!! Okay, you may not have gone to that concert but why couldn't he book tickets for a concert that he thought you might like to go to. I agree with you entirely that this guy is a turn off. In my opinion you are not being unreasonable, but waking up to the fact that this guy is self centred and not for you.

Katy89

well done OP to your straight line and great to read some people have the courage to stick to their needs and not running after something which isn't there.

the guy sounded quite selfish and his point he just wanted to have a last holiday with his lads before committing to the relationship is pretty lame and ridiculous.
and even if it is like that, why didn't he have the maturity to discuss it with you before booking everything...

you had a lucky escape I guess

Sponge25

I'm 25 and my gf is 34 but we get on REALLY well together. I never felt so happy about a gf in my life and she is the same. So your age difference has nothing to do with it. He's just a stingy kinda guy.

Have a talk with him; Let him know, you're not a gold digger, you just want a token of affection every now and then. It doesn't even have to be really expensive. Like he can get you perfume you like or bring you to cinema and then have something to eat afterwards. Just make sure he knows it's not material things you want, it's the feeling you get from him giving you those things.

<Mod Snip>

LegacyUser

Thanks all for your support and advice.

He is not a stingy type at all. He is a good guy at heart but maybe he is a bit immature for me. He brought me to different restaurants, cinema and sport events...He is not romantic and not being considerate is the right thing to say here.

The romantic thing does bother me a bit but he chose not to spend time with me without any discussion is very disrespectful, he wanted to have more fun with the lads before committing to me is also very selfish. I can't stand the thought of him booked a holiday first and told me about it after like nothing was wrong.

Yes, I'm a type of girl who doesn't like to tell a man what he should behave, you either accept him the way he is or you move on, I never dream of changing a man, I have no right and it's a waste of time so when I saw his actions didn't match his words, I let him go.

It amazes me that how thing changes. I got beautiful flowers with an apology card this morning from him for the first time. He wrote that he would do anything he could to keep us together, give him another chance but at this moment I don't feel special or happy to receive anything from him. I acknowledge he is making an effort and sent him a thank you email. I told him I need some space, I'm upset because I still have feelings for him but I absolutely want to move on! I feel positive there is someone out there for me so cheers guys for your posts.

dannyc31

I would agree that all men are different and if you expect every man to be considerate then you are barking up the wrong tree.

However, the OP knows what she wants and likes in a man and a relationship and if this man if not prividing this then she is wasting her time with him as he will never make her happy. There could be plenty of women out there who would be delighted with this man so best of luck to them. It takes all types.

There are also plenty of men out there who are romantic and considerate, and if that's what the OP wants then she will have to set this guy free and find someone else because telling him how to behave doesn't cut it. That's what I would do.

I am not saying that there is anything wrong with this man, just that he doesn't suit the OP. He would not suit me either.

absolutely nothing wrong with this, all i'm saying is you need to be careful with men who are full of showering you with gifts and treats very early on in a relationship especially since there has not been alot of time for a real affectionate bond to form. research has shown that these same men are often the obsessive type and are also the same men who turn a relationship abusive if they are not getting the response from the woman they crave. this is why you often hear cases were a woman will stay in an abusive relationship and often their reason is "he was so sweet in the beginning and they are hoping amoungst hope they can get that back". whats actually going on sometimes is a form of grooming so that they sell themselves as the perfect romantic gentleman to manipulate one into thinking thats how they actually are but underneath is hidden a monster that will come out when they know the girl is affectionally commited and wont leave that easy. i know this may be extreme and not the case in most situations but i'm just saying be careful with this. often men will express real affection with gifts etc when they have truly fallen for a woman, this should come natural and 7 months is not a good time limit to put on this imo. its still the honeymoon period.

that said this gut didnt seem considerate at all, i think this guy is a selfish type but just be careful to jump to the same conclusion with new men who come into your life as you well could be getting groomed by a monster and saying bye bye to a true good guy and romantic underneath it all.

LegacyUser

I know with all relationships they has to be give and take. It not that you want presents all the time ect but you want the person your with to make some effort for you.
When your in a relationship for a few months you talk about your plans ie if you going on holidays or when your going on holidays. You then decide what you going to do then as a couple.
One of my friends was with a guy who lacked cop on in this regard and he was unwilling to make any changes when she talked to him about different things he had done. She realised that the relationship was going no where and broke up with him.
Some guys expect you to make all the effort. They think you will be around any night they want you but you have to realise that if Joe the mate or John the brother offers them a night out you will be home alone.
You gave your relationship with this guy a good chance but unless a person is willing to make an effort or can't understand why your unhappy when they book holidays without talking to you about it things will not improve with time. You did the right thing ending this relationship.

Lorna123

You could always give him one more chance. This is not about age but about consideration. Some guys are totally stupid as regards how to treat a woman and now that you have told this guy you could give him the chance to see if he has learnt anything. The fact that he apologised with flowers and said he was willing to do anything to rectify the situation is a good sign. You know best of course OP.

Ellsbells

Op you are so right - don't try to train them that's for their football coach.

reprazant

From what I read, your relationships were completely different to his. He is more used to dating younger girls, where the dynamic is totally different. What I found odd really was that rather then talk to him about it, you just broke up with him.

It kind of seems to be as if both of you were used to being the main person in the relationship but rather than discuss it and find a comfortable middle ground, you just broke up with him.

I guess if you didn't think that much of the relationship to try and make it work, it is probably for the best that you ended it.

Lorna123

Lorna123 wrote: »

You could always give him one more chance. This is not about age but about consideration. Some guys are totally stupid as regards how to treat a woman and now that you have told this guy you could give him the chance to see if he has learnt anything. The fact that he apologised with flowers and said he was willing to do anything to rectify the situation is a good sign. You know best of course OP.

Agree with that, I acted immature until I met my wife.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Welldone to you have the strength to walk away.

I was in similar situation as yours. I was in a serious relationship with a guy for 5 months, he didn't introduce me to his friends/family. He booked holidays and did many activities without me but I didn't break up with him but gave him chances to improve after all his promises. it was my big mistake. While I was busy with work, life but still I put so much time and effort into our relationship, he was bored sitting at home googled playboy pics and checked out girls on Facebook. I had to open my eyes and broke up with him. I wish I could have done it earlier.
OP, you are right, trust your gut, when you are in a relationship with a selfish guy, it's tiring, you will miss opportunities to meet a suitable partner. They can say they love you all the time but talk is cheap, it's actions that count. "Never try to teach a pig to sing. It is a waste of your time, and it annoys the pig."
All the best! :-)