Dating girl with an illness

LegacyUser

Over the last few weeks I've just started seeing this girl, had 3 good dates and I believe both see potential to go further(nothing physical yet). We've got on well, had a good laugh, standard dates going to the pub/talking/walking etc. During the last date, she told me that she has MS for the last number of years(we're both in our 20's). I can only guess how tough it was for her to tell someone so soon but it did knock me for six a bit, not gonna lie. I immediately had all these thoughts running through my head and it's been on my mind since that date.

My usual train of thought would be that you could meet a perfectly healthy girl and something may happen later, we all will have health issues eventually. But I can't stop thinking negatively about the whole thing now - am I biting off more than I can chew? What about the future? How many really good years does she have or how will it progress? Not looking for answers there as I know even doctors cannot truly answer some questions about this illness, each case is different. She said she had some really bad years but is now mostly good, not without bad days but pretty good nonetheless.

I feel bad even writing this, if the shoe was on the other foot I'd be unimpressed if someone questioned whether to date me because of an illness. Early days but I think we are at the stage where we either start seeing more seriously or move on separately.

I guess I'm asking for some advice from anyone that's been in in a similar situation?
Did you have similar thoughts and worries?
How do people feel about dating someone with a longterm illness?

LegacyUser

Hey,

Not surprised it knocked you for six, but then again life seems to like handing out curve balls where it can.

I could go on and justify both sides of the argument but I feel that emotions, love, connecting with people cant always be just based on the logical.
Life is here to be experienced, to show ourselves that its not all doom and gloom.

All I can say is, and this is my own personal view on the whole side of things,
if she makes you happy, if the thought of her makes you smile, if you get excited when your going to meet her, then why the hell not. GO FOR IT.

We only have memories to look back on. Nobody ever complained about a happy memory, even if it was a fleeting one. There is nothing worse than a life full of memories of what ifs!

bp

Hey,

I have a long term illness, that I had when I met my other half (at the time it wasn't very apparent) but I would have mentioned it. A few months in I got very very sick with it which could have been the end of the relationship, but he stuck with me and years later we are still happy as larry!

I know where you are coming from, but while the illness does get in the way sometimes, it doesn't define our relationship. Go on a few more dates, talk about the illness and then go from there. Don't let MS deter you from what could be a great relationship.

Only you know how you can cope with a partner who will get sick and have off days.

Ellsbells

Op, I dont think anyone can give you an answer here.. All I can say to you is not to go ahead with it if you think you wont be able to handle it in the future. Best of luck with your decision.

Tatankbull

I spent several years dating a girl with a serious medical issue, an illness that was very intrusive in our relationship. It was tough and I had to be prepared to allow her more serious problems to take precedence over my problems at times. Having said that, she did make me the happiest I've ever been in life! Our relationship was great and even when the medical issues were taking their toll on our relationship, we still were happier than I'm sure many 'normal' couples out there.

Don't be naive of course, dating an individual with any major problem (debt, unemployment, illness, etc) will have an impact on your quality of life but if you're compatible and really like the person, then you could be far happier with them than another person with less problems. I know that's obvious but it's good to be reminded of it occasionally!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies so far.

I'm a natural worrier anyway and over-analyse certain things - so since hearing this, rather than thinking about dates to be planned in the next few weeks, I am thinking about this instead. Pretty ridiculous but that's how i'm feeling. I can only think what she must have felt opening herself up to tell me, and of course living with it every day and the uncertainty. It's definitely thrown me off a bit and disrupted the early stages of any relationship which should be fun and exciting, I don't want to come across as suddenly distant but I'm unsure what to do next. But I understand this is her life and she had to say something eventually. She deserves to be happy too and will be living with this for the rest of her life.

I can see both sides of the argument from the replies - I've heard some good and really bad stories relating to this illness.

Anyone else with similar experiences or advice? Much appreciated.

Juicyfruit

Hi OP,

I just had to comment on the other side of the scale from what was posted above by 'different prespective' as I feel this will scare you.

MS effects everyone differently, some very badly, others, not as bad.

My Mother has MS, has had it since she was 17 and is 50 now - she has lead pretty much a normal life, married, had us 4 kids and is well able to look after herself.

Don't get me wrong, there have been times were she's been bad, but never to the extent that she needed us to look after her.

She is a very positive person and has never let her MS get in the way of leading a normal life.

I can't say for sure what is down the road for her but after 33 years she is still doing very well.

It's entirely up to you how you go about this, but I just thought I should let you know MS is not always as bad in everyone.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I've had MS for the last 6 years. It doesnt affect me at all, other than having to stick a needle in my ass a few times a week. What was true of MS 20 or even 10 years ago is no longer true. You can literally live the rest of your life unaffected because of the medication out now. I find the rubbish and misinformation about MS to be truely offensive, it's not a life sentence, it won't land you in a wheelchair, it won't kill you, that's a load of b*llox for most of us. Not only to I hold down a full time job I also have my own company that teaches a very physical activity, in fact I'm in better shape than vast majority of the population. I told my fiancee about it at the start of our relationship and luckily he's the type of person to realise that ANYONE can get sick (including you) at any point and had the b*lls to be with the person he loves even if I am less than perfect. To be quite honest OP, if this is your thinking then quite frankly she can do better than you. Cut her loose to find a man that will inform himself and not believe the hype and make an actual informed decision.

Best of luck.

WhyGoBald

OP, I think information is your friend here. Read about MS, ask the girl about it. Don't make any decisions without knowing more about where you stand. For many people nowadays, MS is just one more of life's struggles, so be wary of judging her based on this alone. It's not the totality of her personality or experiences.

Ellsbells

curlzy wrote: »

Cut her loose to find a man that will inform himself and not believe the hype and make an actual informed decision.

Thats very harsh. He came here for help and advice based on peoples experiences and I am sure he is learning from all the stories here. Give him a break.

curlzy

Ellsbells wrote: »

Thats very harsh. He came here for help and advice based on peoples experiences and I am sure he is learning from all the stories here. Give him a break.

I'm have no interest in your opinion on my post, you are not a Mod. All replies should be to the OP. If you have a problem with a post then use the report function.

Ellsbells

Ok Op dont listen to people who have had negative experiences in their own lives and just want to swipe at anyone they come across. If you decide not to pursue this, you are doing nothing wrong but I would fully inform myself before making a final decision.

Taltos

Ellsbells & Curlzy - please take your dispute, disagreement out of this thread.

Remember - opinions are welcome here, no-one person's opinion is any more/less valid than another, provided the advice is presented in a constructive fashion.

Petty differences with other boards members will not be tolerated.

Both of you are courting an infraction or a ban on this one, so please do take some time to re-read our charter and post accordingly.

Thanks
Taltos

Leogirl

Hi OP,

I too have MS & have had it for almost 10 years -also a few members of my family have it. As was said by others, it does affect everyone in different ways & the severity really can differ from person to person. Contrary to a previous post - it can in fact land you in a wheelchair but this does not mean its permanent nor is that definite for everyone, its rare. I was in 1 when I first got sick for about a month & have never needed one since or any walking aid. I am like an other person you'll see - but at the same time, I'm prone to picking up little bugs/colds etc & fatigue but these things are not a big deal.

MS is a serious illness but its very manageable for most & the more you learn about it, the more you'll see its really no big deal 80% of the time. For most people anyway. Some are lucky enough to be fine 100% of the time!! :-)

It sounds like this girl is fairly open about it all, as she should be - the reason MS scares people is because they dont know a lot about it or know a lot of people with it. They probably know people with it but dont realise they have it!! If you talk to her openly & if you are told the good & the bad - you should find its really not that important & you will just get on with it as she does. It is unfair of people to criticise you for being worried - you may have heard the bad stories or worry about the future, this is perfectly natural & understanding - I think the girl knows this herself & thats why she told you early on. I do the same thing & luckily it never causes a problem because I'm honest about it - in all ways. People are scared of the unknown & I realise that. There are different types of MS, why dont you ask her what type she has & it will give you a better idea of her condition & might answer some of your questions.

Hope it all works out for you - whatever you decide. At the end of the day, you have to do whats best for you - you wont do her any favours by sticking with her for a while & then realising you cant take it - so inform yourself as much as possible & be honest with her & ask her to be honest with you. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions - I know the info can be hard to understand if you dont know much about MS. Best of luck!!

Taltos

Leogirl - thanks for your post, however we do ask posters here not to ask others to PM them. This is as much to protect you as it is them as we never know who is on the other end of the keyboard.

Thanks
Taltos

gara

We are all entitled to determine our own dealbreakers in relationships, despite what anyone else thinks.

If this girl's illness is too much for you to take on board, then end things with her. But in doing so, just remember there will never be a perfect person, every potential partner you meet is going to have some aspect of themselves that won't feature on your list of ideals -just be careful that you don't throw something away whilst chasing the unobtainable

bakergirl91

Hey OP ! I totally understand your worry. Its daunting, with so many questions flying around in your head trying to make up your mind whether to focus on here and now or base it on the possible difficulties you may have in the future. What i will say though is go with your gut, if your not sure go on another few dates, try and casually ask about how MS effects her so you can get a good idea other than just a few bad days. Once you know the details, it may not be so bad!!! the best of luck with your decision!

wonderfullife

Went out with a girl for about 5 months last year with MS. She was slightly older than me (32) and i have to say i didn't know much about the illness. As long as you accept she will have good days and bad days (like most people without an illness) it is easier to make the relationship as normal as the next one. Just she might have more bad days than an average person. It's really something that is dependent on the girl herself - my ex didn't like any pity or overt displays of support, just a bit of space on her bad days. So if this goes anywhere just try to figure out the best way to support her, whether it's being there for her or giving her space when needed, and enjoy your relationship together.

CathyMoran

I have type 1 diabetes and I ended up dating someone with crohns, for the first 5 years of us being together I used all my holidays visiting him when he was in hospital. I had friends and family saying that I should leave him. As it happens a few years later I became really ill (I was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer) and he supported me - we are married over 5 years now and have a 1 and 2 year old.

You never know what the future will bring - if you love her and she makes you happy that should be all that matters.

fergal.b

Hi op, I met my wife 20 years ago and she has MS at first I had no idea what MS was and thought it was something like "ME yuppie flu" so she must have a good high power job . One of our early dates was to Beaumont hospital for an MRI she hated these and ask me if I would come and read to her while she was in there to take her mind off it,the doctors lay her down and told her not to move while they were doing the scan of course I saw this as a chance for a bit of fun and started reading stories adding a funny twist to get her to laugh, after awhile we were in stitches and the doctors were not impressed as her head kept moving messing up the scan:D after some time we calmed down enough to get it done and from that day on I knew she was the one for me "best date ever" We have two kids now and are very happy she still has MS but at least she doesn't have bad breath I don't think I could handle that :pac:
You will never find a girl/guy with nothing wrong with them, life is about adapting to make the best out of what you got and if this girl can make you happy for the rest of your life it wouldn't matter if she had two heads.
Best of luck to you both "if your not in you can't win"


.

WhyGoBald

fergal.b wrote: »

Hi op, I met my wife 20 years ago and she has MS at first I had no idea what MS was and thought it was something like "ME yuppie flu" so she must have a good high power job .

And talking about ignorance about illness (not targeting the previous poster) you'd think people with ME were psychosomatic/lazy/couldn't be bothered. You'd never know there were plenty of recorded deaths from the illness. A minority, of course, and only in the most seriously affected, but it's certainly a serious illness.

I'm a natural worrier anyway and over-analyse certain things - so since hearing this, rather than thinking about dates to be planned in the next few weeks, I am thinking about this instead.

Please don't allow yourself to spoil your enjoyment by worrying, that would be a waste. Arm yourself with information by all means, but have fun too.

LegacyUser

Op here.

Thanks for some of the great stories there, for every bad one there seems to be alot of positive stuff too. I actually felt bad even writing out the initial post but that was how I felt on hearing the news. Sounds selfish that my thoughts on the girl might suddenly change based on something she has no control over but it did knock me a bit.

But you were right, all I can do is go with the flow, it's still early days. Still in the process of getting to know her so I should inform myself as much as possible about her condition but try to have fun and find out if we are even compatible long-term before making rash decisions.

Cheers.

Ellsbells

I think it is only ever portrayed as a very serious illness and you never see the stories where people are living healthily and happily for years. Am sure lots of people are learning more from this thread.

Queen-Mise

ALevine wrote: »

Thanks for the replies so far.

I'm a natural worrier anyway and over-analyse certain things -

When I read this line - I thought this girl is ideal for you as it will really help you put things in perspective as to how important they really are. I like the saying - Worry is interest on trouble that hasn't happened yet.

Being in someone's company who is going through serious stuff although can be hard is also a blessing at the same time.

Go with it and enjoy the early stages and the flirting etc. And tell her about this... Own up to your ignorance, that you know absolutely fcuk all about it.

Galbin

I personally would not be put off by that. Everyone has 'something' wrong with them, whether that be a crazy family, serious debt or an illness.

Also, treatments for MS are improving everyday. Low dose naltraxone for example is being used by some specialists and I'm sure there are other pioneering therapies out there.

I would just judge it based on your feeling for her at the end of the day.

ElleEm

OP, it is rare to meet someone who you connect with. Give the relationship with this girl a chance! We all have issues and things we struggle with. MS is her "thing".

It is a very individual disease, and if you even those of us on this thread who have it are experiencing completely different things with it. If you like her, concentrate on that bit.

I also think it's important that you ask her about it. Talk to her about how it effects her, what symptoms she gets, etc. Most of us MSers look "normal", and relapse infrequently. The most common type of MS is Relapsing Remitting, which basically means that we relapse into having symptoms, then we remit and get better. Some people have things that they manage every day (vision problems, tingling, numbness, etc.) but for the most part, getting diagnosed with MS (and any other longterm illness) can make people put things into perspective in their lives and become more positive about things. She may be a breath of fresh air for you!!!

I was diagnosed with MS two years ago, aged 27. Before this, I was a mad stress head, very career driven. Being diagnosed made me a better person. I started taking time to stop and smell the roses. I appreciate the small things in life now, and take every day as it comes and ENJOY it. I was with my boyfriend four years at the time, and he has been incredibly supportive and almost unphased by it. He understands that my mobility may be limited in the future but it is not TODAY, and that is what matters

Give this girl a shot, but please don't let the "what ifs" get in the way. As Galbin said, there are huge developments in the treatment of MS every day at the min, you only have to Google it to see that.

Ankhyu

My mam was diagnosed with MS 9 years ago and overall she's been leading a fairly normal life. She still works full time, and she makes a monthly visit to the hospital for the particular type of medicine that she's on. My dad has been very supportive and always makes sure he's off work on her appointment days.
She has some everyday issues which include fatigue, numbness, her short term memory can be a little bit sketchy at times, and her balance can wane slightly, but it's not so bad that she can't walk.

There's a few types of MS so I'd suggest what a few others have said and ask her more about it, find out how it affects her in particular. But most of all, try not to let MS define her. If you both really like each other then there's no reason why it should be much harder than any other relationship. Everyone has issues of some sort.

Let us know how you get on with your decision!