Long distance issues

LegacyUser

Hi all. I am a 21 year old girl, my boyfriend is 25. We have been together for 2 and a half years. I love him and I know he loves me. But there are things in the relationship that really bother me and we often argue.

I suppose the main issue I have is that I just feel he does not put enough effort in to contact me on a daily basis. Due to his occupation, we live about 3 hours away from each other. I see him most weekends but I do find it difficult that he is so far away. During the week when we are apart, he rings me maybe twice a week. He texts me every day but to be honest I feel this is only because I get angry about it when he doesn't. The other night, we had barely spoken in two days and then when I rang him that evening, he told me he couldn't talk because he was 'going out with the lads'. I don't go out much where I live because I'm studying for my degree, I devote my social life to my boyfriend.

Basically, I just don't think he feels any compassion with me over how difficult the long-distance relationship thing is. I have tried to discuss it with him but it never changes anything. Am I being unreasonable?

blatantrereg

Yes you are a bit.
Stop devoting your social life to him. Most people studying for degrees go out a lot more than non-students, so you rationale for not socialising otherwise doesn't make sense really.

It is unreasonable to expect him to devote his social life to you (which it sounds like is the case). It is unreasonable to be annoyed that he doesn't have time to chat because he is hanging out with friends.

If you want to talk on the phone more than twice a week you could just call him yourself the other two days you dont actually see each other. Do you expect him to usually be the one to call you? Is that because he has more money because he's working and you're a student? Regular long phone calls (and I'm guessing they are long) add up to needlessley big phone bills. Having a proper income doesn't equate with wanting to throw money away. You could use skype or similar to avoid charges.

Also the text messaging thing doesn't make much sense. If he ignores your texts then it is reaonable to be a bit annoyed. But it sounds like you expect him to be the one initiating them too.

That said, being clingy is one of the surest ways to push people away in relationships. If you insist on overly long phone calls every day which he doesn't actually want, then you'll put him into a mindset of trying to get space from you or even get away from you. It sounds like he's busier than you in general, as well as having more social outets, so it is normal that he will not have the same time or inclination as you to chat, and it doesn't necessarily reflect a difference in the level of interest in each other or the relationship.

Shortish phone calls every day won't drive anyone away though. Just dont keep him on the line if he obviously wants to go.

Lorna123

I think if he rings you twice a week it is not bad at all. The problem here is that you need to get a social life yourself and not be relying on your b/f for one.

decmanning

You're giving this fella a bit of a bad time, he calls twice a week, texts everyday and despite living 3 hours apart he makes sure you meet every weekend, what more do you want really?

judgefudge

I agree with the above, you seem to be gettin a fair amount of time together. I was in a long distance relationship for over a year where all we had was Skype once a week and meeting once every other month, count your lucky stars!!

Besides which, you're 21 and you devote your social life to your boyfriend? Not a healthy attitude in my opinion. Try and broaden your social life and you won't depend on contact from him so much.

feline21

Hi,
No your not being unreasonable. I went through [exactly the same as you and me and him the same ages as ye are as-well!
due to his work he didnt bother contact me till very late at night or not at all, and when i rang it always seemed like if he's not at work he was sleeping or at a friends house. I didn't understand how he coulndn't find 1 minute of his time to send 1 small txt sometimes. It used to drive me insane.
The only piece of advice i would give is you have to have a life of your own. I made the same mistake as you devoting my social life to him.. Maybe join evening classes, go to a gym with a friend in your class, Have girly nights, go shopping just keep yourself busy that way you won't be needy or depending on his calls. Don't always expect him to make contact or be available to call. Because believe after many years it won't change. And no matter how angry or upset you are it won't change a thing. It sucks, and cos he never really made to much effort with contact with me after many years i broke up with him.