Help with my apology

scared_silly

I've been on a couple of dates with this girl, it hasnt gone unbelievable but i like her a lot and when we have been together its been great.

I f'd up in a major way and i texted her something nobody should every call anybody. She called it, the rudest and most aggressive thing anybody has ever called her and i'm ashamed of myself for it. I've been in bits since and i'm still in shock deep down i could have said that to anybody not to mention somebody i like.

Story: We were texting on Saturday night to meet up back and forth, we both had no long term plans for where to meet up yet. When i did, i texted her the location...no response. I texted her a couple of hours later...no response. I texted her after the club...no response. She had done this once before to me. At this stage, I was exremely drunk and fustrated, i woke up the next morning to find out i texted her something awful, so bad i'm ashamed to rewrite here, even anonymously.

I texted her a million times apologising, no response.

I have come to relise i have a lot of insecurites from recent events that caused my behaviour that night. I have never called that to anybody in my life and i've never been aggressive to anybody in my life and when she didnt text me back that night i must have flipped. My insecurites i know need a lot of work and i believe i can work through them but thats a story for another day.

It must have come out of left field for her because we have got on pretty good in general and there was nothing to suggest that was coming.

I doubt she will ever meet up with me again but i don't want her hating me and thinking i'm that type of person or her friends thinking that I'm type of person. I hoping i can end it on somewhat decent terms even if it is a long shot.

She is not responding to my texts but i can't leave it this way.


Please help analysing my response and how i come across and what i may be portraying by this action (i'm very lost at the moment and probably not thinking clearly)

I'm thinking of sending flowers to her office (i dont have her home address). First off, is that too much? but i dont think i have anything to lose but 50 euro.

This is the message i'm planning to have with the flowers:
"We may never meet again but know I'm truly sorry. It had nothing to do with you. I've been dealing with some personal issues the past couple of months & I took it out on you. I wish you all the best in the future."

How does it come across? Would you change anything? There is a 210 character limit.


Thanks for taking the time to read.

LegacyUser

Hey man,

We all make mistakes, and unfortunately yours resulted in the premature ending of a relationship.

To be brutally honest, you gave her a glimpse of a side of you (albeit an unrepresentative side), and I'm not surprised that she wants nothing more to do with you.

You've apologized, and she didn't accept it. Move on. You made a mistake, you tried to fix it, not much more you can do. This is life.

People make mistakes all the time, delete her number, don't get in contact with her anymore, in a few weeks time, you'll be over it.

For the sake of your dignity and self-respect, leave her be.

It's a sad thing to happen, but life goes on!

jack89

I dont know if she had genuine reasons for not texting you back but the way you behaved wasnt cool man. The flowers are a good idea and you seem sincerely sorry so i hope it works out for you but dont treat a girl you like in that way, drunk or not

Defiler Of The Coffin

I don't think you should bother sending her anything at all, flowers is overkill for the stage you were at. There is always the chance you will meet her out and about again at some point down the road and you can apologise to her then. In the meantime chalk this one down to experience. You're not the first guy to mess up and you won't be the last. You will be better prepared for the next girl you meet and you won't make the same mistake.

Try to calm yourself down. You're coming across as overthinking yourself into an agitated state. Give yourself a few days and the sense of panic will pass.

ElleEm

OP, I think sending flowers is a really sweet idea.
You obviously fu*ked up and you know it.
Don't get your hopes up that the flowers will make her want to see you again though.
I know if I was seeing someone who said something awful to me in the early stages of a relationship, I would run a mile.
I think a gesture like flowers and a card with an apology would show her that you are kind and sincere.
Ensure the card with the note is in a sealed envelope though, you wouldn't want ten people in the office reading it before her.
Don't beat yourself up. People make mistakes x

njs030

If your happy to just send them as a gesture of apology and not expect anything in response then it's a lovely lovely thought, but and it's a big but..if you think it'll fix everything then don't bother. You admit you were wrong so let it go and if she decides to get in touch she will. Maybe delete her number as suggested and leave it up to her.
Best of luck.

Honestly? If someone insulted me in the manner you did (which you described as something terrible), then sent me a tonne of text messages, none of which I replied to, and then to receive flowers from them.. it would massively put me off.

You're better off just leaving things be, move on and figure out how to fix your insecurities so you could never do that to another person again.

Kimia

I agree with the above. I'd probably be slightly weirded out actually. The over the top rage and insulting behaviour, followed by flowers and heartfelt apologies? I'd be running a mile. Sorry OP, but leave it be.

Squ

A couple of dates?
Move on.


As for the flowers, she wants nothing to do with you, so you'd just be embarrassing her at work.

face1990

Personally I'd say just cut your losses now.

You screwed up, learn from it and move on.

If you do decide to send flowers, leave it her to respond back. If you get no response it means she doesn't want to see you again (and you don't want to get too stalker-ish). And then you learn from it and move on!

Shít happens, don't beat yourself up about it either way.

jimbo79

i wouldn't send her flowers, so you called her a name big deal who hasn't called someone a name, by the sounds of it she was playing you anyway by not replying.

LegacyUser

Oh god OP - DO NOT send her flowers - if she hasn't responded to any of your texts, she's not interested in your apology. Sending her flowers after what I can only presume was an extremely abusive and disgusting text would just be really really creepy. I know I would be completely freaked out if I was in her position - a guy who was abusive to me sending me a load of texts and then a bunch of flowers to my workplace, I'd be quite scared, it's almost stalker territory tbh.

Leave her be, learn from this and move on.

scared_silly

I think the consensus is pretty obvious. How can I expect her to forgive me when I can't forgive myself. I doubt it will ever be fixed, no matter how much time passes, the hole I dug for myself is too deep. All I can I hope for is to meet her on a night out and she gives me the time of day to apologize but I'm not going to hold my breath that the perfect situation just to apologize materializes.

I appreciate the honest advice even tho it's tough to read. Reading back through my OP and the responses, it's clear I'm being highly irrational, pity i never see it till its too late. This one will may hurt for awhile but I'm going to try to be positive. I know that text is not who I am but I guess the best way to spend my energy now is fixing myself and my insecurities. I need to take some time to fix the issues I have ignored. Believe it or not, i used to be a lot worse with women. I have come a long way and i kinda stopped trying to progress because i thought i was good...maybe not.

Dave!

No need to get philosophical about it... If you have issues, deal with them, but forget about this girl and get on with your life. It sucks, but you'll be grand in time.

jimbo79

scared_silly wrote: »

I think the consensus is pretty obvious. How can I expect her to forgive me when I can't forgive myself. I doubt it will ever be fixed, no matter how much time passes, the hole I dug for myself is too deep. All I can I hope for is to meet her on a night out and she gives me the time of day to apologize but I'm not going to hold my breath that the perfect situation just to apologize materializes.

I appreciate the honest advice even tho it's tough to read. Reading back through my OP and the responses, it's clear I'm being highly irrational, pity i never see it till its too late. This one will may hurt for awhile but I'm going to try to be positive. I know that text is not who I am but I guess the best way to spend my energy now is fixing myself and my insecurities. I need to take some time to fix the issues I have ignored. Believe it or not, i used to be a lot worse with women. I have come a long way and i kinda stopped trying to progress because i thought i was good...maybe not.

you reacted to been ignored, honestly who hasn't done that, yeah it's slightly insecure but again that is part of your make up, you will learn with time that sometimes no reply is a reply in itself and accept it

flowerchild

scared_silly wrote: »

Please help analysing my response and how i come across and what i may be portraying by this action.

Have you heard of a crazy 8? It is a pattern of behaviour that many of us engage in, that moves in between anger and self-pity. You come across as wanting to get your own way and as exploding into anger/personal attack when you felt ignored/insignificant. But this can't be maintained forever so after a lapse of time you move into self-pity.

You can get rid of it as a pattern fairly quickly and easily but you have to decide that you really want that way of engaging with others out of your life.

I wouldn't send flowers. If you have already apologised, I wouldn't send any more texts or messages. Just add it to the list of things that your current pattern has cost you and use it to leverage change.

Best wishes. It sounds like a tricky realisation to wake up to. By the way, do you over-drink?

Dave!

Dave! wrote: »

No need to get philosophical about it... If you have issues, deal with them, but forget about this girl and get on with your life. It sucks, but you'll be grand in time.

Exactly. Being philosophical won't solve anything. You've realized the problems, now fix them. Work on your own insecurities, perhaps look into counseling if you can afford it/avail of it for free. Otherwise work on yourself and get you happy with you, because you can't be happy with someone else until you're happy with yourself.

Ellsbells

And stay single til you have figured out why you abused someone you seemingly liked.

You dont seem willing to take her silence as her response to you. she wants to forget it and you so give her that at least and stop contacting her.

AnonoBoy

DO. NOT. SEND. HER. FLOWERS.


You're always going to be 'that guy who was nasty for no reason' to her. Don't become 'that nasty guy who wouldn't leave me alone and I had to call the cops' too.

Time to move on and chalk it down to experience. Learn from your mistakes and don't be a d*ck the next time someone doesn't text you back for a day.

Morag

You ****ed up, you don't like what you did and don't want to think of yourself of being that type of person so you are trying to force her into forgiving you so that you then feel better about yourself as you don't like how you feel now.

You can't make her do that.
You have to live with what you have done and find out why you did it and try and
make sure you never do that do anyone else again.

There is no magic wand to take back what happened and make you feel good about yourself. She doesn't owe you that. Leave her alone and get on with your life and
consider going to a counselor to figure out why you did what you did.

dearg lady

You messed up, but tbh it sounds like she was looking for an excuse not to see you, and you gave her one! If she didn't reply to several texts then chances are she wasn't interested. If that's the case it doesn't matter how many times you apologise. I wouldn't send the flowers, just let it go.

Oryx

scared_silly wrote: »

I think the consensus is pretty obvious. How can I expect her to forgive me when I can't forgive myself. I doubt it will ever be fixed, no matter how much time passes, the hole I dug for myself is too deep. All I can I hope for is to meet her on a night out and she gives me the time of day to apologize but I'm not going to hold my breath that the perfect situation just to apologize materializes.

This is a bit dramatic for a pretty insignificant situation. You did something bad. It had repercussions you cannot repair. That's a life lesson you need to learn. Sometimes, we fcuk up and simply have to move on from things we cannot undo. Otherwise you spend your life looking backwards with regret instead of moving on and correcting the character flaws that caused the mess in the first place.

Let this one go. You said yourself it wasnt unbelievable anyway, which makes me think you dont want to apologise for her sake, you want to do it for yourself so you can stop feeling guilty. The thing is, she doesnt want your apology, and you need to accept that and deal with your guilt yourself.

scared_silly

Thanks everybody for replying, it means a lot.

The more i look at myself, the more i realise my problems are way bigger than this situation and I'm not strong enough to solve them myself. I've been struggling for awhile now, i was just afraid to admit it.

I just emailed my GP asking him to refer me to somebody i can talk to.

PhiloCypher

I'd echo what has already been said you've apologized profusely which unless she has thrown away or lost her phone she has read and chosen to ignore, so sending the flowers would have been more about making you feel better about yourself then her. The best thing to do is to just draw a line under this and delete her number and all texts between you both as otherwise you will likely continue to fixate on it during low points and will prevent yourself getting past this.

jimbo79

dearg lady wrote: »

You messed up, but tbh it sounds like she was looking for an excuse not to see you, and you gave her one! If she didn't reply to several texts then chances are she wasn't interested. If that's the case it doesn't matter how many times you apologise. I wouldn't send the flowers, just let it go.

yeah that is my reading of it too

scared_silly

jimbo79 wrote: »

i wouldn't send her flowers, so you called her a name big deal who hasn't called someone a name, by the sounds of it she was playing you anyway by not replying.

Your right and I couldn’t even admit it till now. I dont want to keep going on about it as its time to move on but that is why I was so angry, it doesn’t excuse my behavior but it explains it.

I felt like she was keeping me on the subs bench for the Saturday night and she could call me in if she needed. We were texting back and forth all week and that Saturday night trying to organize things and when push came to shove, she wasn’t bothered meeting up and it hurt. I felt used.

Looking at the trail of texts from Saturday night (since deleted) there was no response past 9pm but as soon as I sent the awful text around 3am she responded back straight away, nothing wrong with the phone then.

She had done this once before. I texted her previously on a Saturday night around 8pm to see if she was heading out, she didn’t reply back till 2am, wanting to meet up then. Apparently her friends had taken her phone all night :rolleyes:. Her friend had mentioned when we were out during the week they were having a girl’s night out on Saturday and no OHs allowed. I didn’t bother to text her at 2am cos I was kinda pissed off but I gave her the benefit of doubt. I texted her later in the week and we setup Saturday night.

It’s horrible to be so transparently needy and to have somebody walk all over you. In a way I’m glad it’s over between us because things probably would have only got worse for me. I'm kinda shocked that she would be that type of person. I still feel awful that I sent that text, it was way ott regardless of the situation.

Funnily enough, after the first few times we went out, she was the one chasing me and initiating contact. But as soon as I got emotionally attached, I was a needy train wreck.

Why I became so needy I still need to figure out and fix. And why after when I knew she was playing me, I still wanted to fix it with her, it was pathetic.

jimbo79

scared_silly wrote: »

Your right and I couldn’t even admit it till now. I dont want to keep going on about it as its time to move on but that is why I was so angry, it doesn’t excuse my behavior but it explains it.

I felt like she was keeping me on the subs bench for the Saturday night and she could call me in if she needed. We were texting back and forth all week and that Saturday night trying to organize things and when push came to shove, she wasn’t bothered meeting up and it hurt. I felt used.

Looking at the trail of texts from Saturday night (since deleted) there was no response past 9pm but as soon as I sent the awful text around 3am she responded back straight away, nothing wrong with the phone then.

She had done this once before. I texted her previously on a Saturday night around 8pm to see if she was heading out, she didn’t reply back till 2am, wanting to meet up then. Apparently her friends had taken her phone all night :rolleyes:. Her friend had mentioned when we were out during the week they were having a girl’s night out on Saturday and no OHs allowed. I didn’t bother to text her at 2am cos I was kinda pissed off but I gave her the benefit of doubt. I texted her later in the week and we setup Saturday night.

It’s horrible to be so transparently needy and to have somebody walk all over you. In a way I’m glad it’s over between us because things probably would have only got worse for me. I'm kinda shocked that she would be that type of person. I still feel awful that I sent that text, it was way ott regardless of the situation.

Funnily enough, after the first few times we went out, she was the one chasing me and initiating contact. But as soon as I got emotionally attached, I was a needy train wreck.

Why I became so needy I still need to figure out and fix. And why after when I knew she was playing me, I still wanted to fix it with her, it was pathetic.

I have been down that road, it's a real ego buster, don't focus to much on trying to fix yourself, you wanted more she didn't, when the next girl comes along this experience will serve you well

IrishEyes19

Sorry to hear how it worked out OP, I might not write what you want to hear but I think my advice will be helpful.

It's a situation you cant do anything about right now. Before you send any form of apology, you have to see it from her point. She barely knows you, went on a few dates, didn't reply to a few texts for any reason at all and you verbally abused her. And now you are doing a complete turn around and begging for forgiveness. I know its hard to hear, but right now, she's just freaked Id say and angry.

I know its hard but take a step back and let the dust settle. And maybe in a month or so, send her a concise text apologising and leave it like that. The more you text her now or send her flowers, the more this aggressive appearing behaviour will show to her, even when your intent is just to repair what happened.

If she wants to reply, she will! And Im sure you have had a tough time with past insecurities, but that means nothing to her, she is a new person and someone who doesnt know you. You cant burden someone with that either and if you do, then you need to step back and address your issues before committing.

Wish you the best of luck and just take a break and let her just mull this over. No form of contact would be pro-active at this stage.

It seems that the girl wasn't texting you on a night out, which, to be fair, is somewhat understandable. If I'm out with friends, I would barely check my phone and it's the same with a lot of people I know.

MOR66

By no means do i think your a jerk,you seem a decent enough bloke and have anknowledged you made a mistake. As you might know alcohol messes with the decision making part of the brain (though i don't condown people using this as an excuse for stupid actions) but you seem remorseful. Honestly she seems a bit of a slag by not contacting you and being generally unrelaible. Is that really something you look for in a relationship? She should be the one being embarassed not contacting you!! Im sure you can do so much better.