An abusive father and a lying mother.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I am going anon for this for obvious reasons.

I grew up in a very hostile environment. I am the youngest of three and my father was a wife beater and a emotional abuser to all of us. My childhood is full of only painful memories which included being constantly in fear, trips to the police station and hosiptal and having no confidence growing up thanks to the belittling evil comments made by my father everyday.

At the beginning of my teenage years I started to rebel against him which he did not like and he grew to get ever fiercer with me. We finally got him out of the house after one incident that will taunt me for the rest of my life. In short, he came after me with a knife when I stood up to him.

I tried counselling after he left but it just didn't help me. I managed to get through it myself and to this day I still feel sick over the whole thing.

Many many years later I have moved on, grew up, did a full college course and now have started a job.

I have only spoken to him a few times because anytime I hear from him it is abusive towards me, my brother and my mother. No matter what I say he still retorts with abuse. I have tried to meet him (I did because I was told by a counselor back after he left that I would regret it) he said yes but then I never heard back from him so I forgot about it. I tried and he didn't so my conscious is clean.

I haven't heard from him in a long time but today(because it would have been his birthday a few weeks ago) I got a text off him talking abuse about my mother and brother. I snapped and gave him a very stern reply to which he replies with I am wrong and that I never tried to meet up with him. I am wrong about my opinions of my brother (whom he also hasn't seen in over 10 years) and my mother (again he also hasn't seen in over 10 years). I then found out my mother was lying about something that I have been defending for a long time, it isn't a big thing but I feel betrayed by her. I feel like a fool and again I feel belittled.

I have of course asked my mother about the lie and she said she thought I already knew. I don't know what to do, I feel there is more she could be lying about that I don't know.

I am not really sure what advice I am looking for, maybe how do I deal with these abusive texts? I feel bad about not caring about my own father but after everything he put me through, should I? I have no feelings towards him, nothing what so ever not even hate, in fact if anything I feel sorry for him. He is alone, even his children don't like him.

Thank you for reading.

Danniboo

So sorry to hear you've had such a rough time of it. Firstly you have absolutely zilch to feel guilty about. Are you sure guilt is the emotion your feeling??? I can relate to what your saying about being estranged from a parent but it's more an upset at the loss of something/someone that is supposed to be a significant influence or part of your life, your Father. It is actually like a grieving process, give yourself time, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing you can do to change this mans behaviour, just look after yourself. I wouldn't make any more contact with him, you owe him nothing. He's an abusive psycho from what you've described.

Secondly get a different counsellor, to basically encourage someone to meet with someone who has been so mentally and emotionally abusive and has shown capability of such extreme violence is beyond belief. And to add insult to injury telling you you will regret it, that's a disgrace. Terrible advice.

Take care of yourself x

edellc

Completely agree with Danniboo, it took me roughly 3yrs to get over my father that was nearly 8yrs ago and I have only had the displeasure of his company once in this time, life is so much better without him and once I made peace with myself about that I could move on.

Do get a different councillor, the advise the other one gave is just madness.

As for your mother, she lied and it wasnt about a big thing as you said yourself. We all at time to time lie about things and most are not big lies just white ones, your not human if you dont at some stage, and if you dont understand that yet you will in time. She is an adult and doesnt have to answer to you or explain herself to you ever, she lied she said she taught you knew, you didnt, get over it. Do you really want to go down the route of asking her if there is anything else, because there is only one out come in that scenario.

Op you have to learn to forgive her you may not forget but you have to forgive as the only person this will tear up is you. Leave the past where it is and move on with your life, you are in control of your life and you can not change yesterday but you can change today and tomorrow so focus on that.

Life deals a lot of us a bum hand, and we all wish for a "normal" family, but what is normal for one person is not for the other so this is your normal and you need to find a way to live with it.

All the best OP, there is light at the end of the tunnel and although you have a **** father you have a mother that is human, who makes mistakes dont let one thing ruin your relationship with her.