Took a chance...

xXLaneyXx

Hi All,

Last year I went through a break up and It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. The relationship was not good for me and my ex treated me very poorly over 3 years. It took alot to leave him and it took a whole lot more to get myself back on my feet again and get back to my old self. I decided to give men a miss for a while until I got myself back on track.
To be honest I was actually scared of getting into something, my confidence had bottomed out and I needed to sort my head out before jumping into another relationship.

Fast forward a year and I met a really nice guy through work and he pursued me no end. I decided to give it a go but that I would take things slowly which I explained to him. I really like him, but I kind of kept him at arms length for a while until i was sure. This whole time he was sending me sweet texts, taking me out for walks, taking me for dinner, and being a complete gentleman. I probably wasnt just as full on as him, in that when he was texting me messages saying I was amazing and that he was missing me and couldnt wait to see me I wasnt sending him back the same responses. I just picked up the phine and rang him instead.
I was afraid to letting myself go and for something to go wrong as we were only seeing each other 3 months but we rang each other a couple of times a day and of sent numerous texts.

Now it seems to have gone a little pear-shaped, This week end I had to go home to see my parents. ( I work away from home) yesterday he sent me a message to say that he felt that things hadn't been the same the last few days and that he didn't know what was going on.
The last few days we were still calling and texting and saying all the usual nice things and that he was really looking forward to seeing me when I got back so i was confused.
I quizzed him and he said that he felt I was perfect in every way but that he felt I was maybe too good for him and also that he doesnt feel 100% himself at the moment. He textd me a ggodnight message last nite and that just to give him a day or two. He said he's Just doesnt know whats wrong with him.
I told him last night how I feel, it actually took this scare to make me realise how much I care about him and how much I dont want to lose him. These feelings seem to have crept up on me without me even noticing and I wish I could of acted on them sooner.

But what do I do from here?
Do I give him his space and hope he comes back to his lovely self?

Any advice would be so appreciated.

Sorry for the long post.

Curry Addict

it sounds like he needs some love from you. maybe do something nice/romantic for him.

xXLaneyXx

Curry Addict wrote: »

it sounds like he needs some love from you. maybe do something nice/romantic for him.

Even when he's feeling like this? I'd love to but I think that would be pushing him too much

BraziliaNZ

Well he sounds quiet insecure about the whole thing. Probably because you aren't sure and you're probably very weary of all that lovey-dovey stuff after a bad previous relationship. And I don't blame you for that. Perhaps you'd be better off with someone a lttle less full on?

xXLaneyXx

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Well he sounds quiet insecure about the whole thing. Probably because you aren't sure and you're probably very weary of all that lovey-dovey stuff after a bad previous relationship. And I don't blame you for that. Perhaps you'd be better off with someone a lttle less full on?

He doesnt strike me an being an insecure person, but maybe when it comes to relationships he is. I just cant help wondering how there was such a sudden change from talking on the phone the night before and getting the message the next morning to say what he did.

It's not that he's very full on when we're together, he just seems to like texting me to say he misses me and sends little random sweet texts.

Baffled!!! :(:(

stargazer 68

xXLaneyXx wrote: »

It's not that he's very full on when we're together, he just seems to like texting me to say he misses me and sends little random sweet texts.

OP do you return the sentiments or do you hold back with your emotions? Maybe he is just getting a little fed up with it being one sided

xXLaneyXx

Dovies wrote: »

OP do you return the sentiments or do you hold back with your emotions? Maybe he is just getting a little fed up with it being one sided

Hi Dovies,

It's not completely one sided, I'm just not that good with compliments and feel all awkward when anyone pays me one, very shy in that respect.

I probably have held back on my emotions more so than he but i just thought it was early days.
I've told him how I feel now, and he believes that I mean it and knows that Im happy with him.

stargazer 68

xXLaneyXx wrote: »

Hi Dovies,

It's not completely one sided, I'm just not that good with compliments and feel all awkward when anyone pays me one, very shy in that respect.

I probably have held back on my emotions more so than he but i just thought it was early days.
I've told him how I feel now, and he believes that I mean it and knows that Im happy with him.

The reason I said that is that I am the same. When I first started seeing my b/f I held back too. It takes time to get through the 'shell' as he says but once he did and understood that it wasn't him it was fine. Alls well now so hang on in there and let him know how you feel now that you have realised he is the one for you.

xXLaneyXx

Dovies wrote: »

The reason I said that is that I am the same. When I first started seeing my b/f I held back too. It takes time to get through the 'shell' as he says but once he did and understood that it wasn't him it was fine. Alls well now so hang on in there and let him know how you feel now that you have realised he is the one for you.

Thanks Dovies,

I really hope it works out, I'm just so annoyed with myself that its taken him to come out with this to make me realise how I feel about him. he really is a great guy and he's got in on me without me even noticing.
I wish there was something I could do.. But its in his hands now.
Feel really helpless.

jellygems

xXLaneyXx wrote: »

Thanks Dovies,

I really hope it works out, I'm just so annoyed with myself that its taken him to come out with this to make me realise how I feel about him. he really is a great guy and he's got in on me without me even noticing.
I wish there was something I could do.. But its in his hands now.
Feel really helpless.

I dont think it should be in his hands now, to me its giving him all the power, whatever happens accept its the way its meant to b and even tho it took u time u let him in

do hope it works out for you

xXLaneyXx

jellygems wrote: »

I dont think it should be in his hands now, to me its giving him all the power, whatever happens accept its the way its meant to b and even tho it took u time u let him in

do hope it works out for you

But it's his decision to make, thats what I mean when I say its in his hands now. I dont think theres anything more I can do, I've told him how I feel and that I dont want to lose him.
I don't think theres much more I can do without looking like Im putting pressure on him.

Thanks for posting!

Merkin

If you really care about him and don't want to lose him then you need to send him a very honest and open email explaining how you feel about him.

Herrick

xXLaneyXx wrote: »

in that when he was texting me messages saying I was amazing and that he was missing me and couldnt wait to see me I wasnt sending him back the same responses

First off I can understand your holding back because of past relationships.

But to me it seems like your bf has finally got fed up. You yourself have admitted he tells you all these sweet things like saying he misses you, but you don't really return them. It's well and good you ring him, but tbh if I were him it would all have worn a little thin by now.

I'd be thinking that you weren't that into me at all. That I often say these things but you never seem to give anything back. I'd be thinking it's time to bail if I were him.

What you need to do is explain exactly your reasons why you never really responded the same way and tell him how you really feel. He prob thinks the reason your the way you are is he's just not doing it for you.

Lorna123

He came on strong in the beginning and it could be that he just lost interest now not for any other reason except that the novelty has worn off. That happens in relationships. If he was waiting for you to respond then why wasn't he delighted when you came clean and told him how you felt, instead of backing off and looking for more time. My guess is that he wants a break but this is just because this relationship was never going anywhere anyway. Some guys come on strong with compliments, gifts, sweet talk at the start of a relationship but it doesn't mean anything. It is the passage of time that tells the tale and now he appears to be getting fed up. You have done nothing to make this happen. If he was genuinely interested he would be delighted with you telling him out straight how you felt. So just do nothing now, don't enquire where you are going from here. Let him come back to you and if he doesn't come back in a positive tone then just forget about him and realize that it was not to be anyway, and you did nothing to cause this.

xXLaneyXx

Hi guys,

I think im going to let this one go. I'm racking my brains trying to figure it out and its doing me no good. Even his friends are baffled by him. One rang me yesterday to invite me to a BBQ but was stunned when I told him the situation.

I have clothes and belongings of his. Do I drop them of or do I text him and ask him to collect his things?

Now im afriad of looking like i'm dying to see him, even though I am I respect he wants time and I dont want to look like im pushy.

I just dont want to be looking at them anymore.

stargazer 68

xXLaneyXx wrote: »

I have clothes and belongings of his. Do I drop them of or do I text him and ask him to collect his things?

I just dont want to be looking at them anymore.

Difficult one. Although it has only been a couple of days - have you heard from him since?

Maybe give it until over the weekend and see.

Katy89

from what I hear it's not his belongings which really matter, I guess you could put them in a cardboardbox, or any hidden place where you don't have to look at them..
I think it's more you want to contact him to know where you stand and that's very, very understandable.

why don't you take things in your own hand, send him an email or text and ask him for a 'come clean chat'.it's about you and your well being as well.
you already waited for a few days, see now what, or if, he has anything to say, say to him what you want to say and come to your own conclusions.

don't stay passive, get active for your own sake. best of luck

xXLaneyXx

Katy89 wrote: »

from what I hear it's not his belongings which really matter, I guess you could put them in a cardboardbox, or any hidden place where you don't have to look at them..
I think it's more you want to contact him to know where you stand and that's very, very understandable.

why don't you take things in your own hand, send him an email or text and ask him for a 'come clean chat'.it's about you and your well being as well.
you already waited for a few days, see now what, or if, he has anything to say, say to him what you want to say and come to your own conclusions.

don't stay passive, get active for your own sake. best of luck

Thanks Katy89,
His things include his ipad, ipod, shoes, jackets and so on so I know he'll need them. In ways I probably would like an explanation but in other ways I think it might be better if I dont see him. Im afraid to making a complete fool of myself and get upset infront of him if I try find out exactly what it is that made him change his mind about me.. literally overnight!!

I've never been fourthcoming about confronting people and I know Ill just probably accept any excuse he has and it will annoy me for goodness knows how long.

LegacyUser

Hey Laney,

Sorry to hear about your situation. I went through something similar. Went on a few dates with a guy ive known for years, we werent friends but would say hello etc etc.

He changed over night also. From being mad into me (and me into him) he more or less disappeared. Fast forward 2 months hes still on my mind (sent him a few msgs over the time, he replied with general chitchat) i was txting one of my friends last week and txt him by mistake. He replied and we got into a conversation about things.

So I suggested we meet for a chat. Quite frankly there was so much on my mind I wanted to ask/say to him that I needed to see him. And we did, on Tuesday. Still get on great, we kissed. Then I had to be true to myself and say it. So I did. He said that he wasnt ready for a relationship (he had been living with his ex for 2 years up to 6 weeks before we dated) but said he did clearly like me. As much as I like him I have to walk away, which is hard when hes constantly on my mind.

So I absolutely agree with what others have said and that you need to be brave and confront the situation. Hopefully you get the answer you want and all will be fine. And if youre like me and you dont, well take it one day at a time.

Txt him about his stuff and arrange something from there. You're 100% not making a fool of yourself by saying how you feel. Why shouldn't you!

xXLaneyXx

BeenThereTshirt wrote: »

Hey Laney,

Sorry to hear about your situation. I went through something similar. Went on a few dates with a guy ive known for years, we werent friends but would say hello etc etc.

He changed over night also. From being mad into me (and me into him) he more or less disappeared. Fast forward 2 months hes still on my mind (sent him a few msgs over the time, he replied with general chitchat) i was txting one of my friends last week and txt him by mistake. He replied and we got into a conversation about things.

So I suggested we meet for a chat. Quite frankly there was so much on my mind I wanted to ask/say to him that I needed to see him. And we did, on Tuesday. Still get on great, we kissed. Then I had to be true to myself and say it. So I did. He said that he wasnt ready for a relationship (he had been living with his ex for 2 years up to 6 weeks before we dated) but said he did clearly like me. As much as I like him I have to walk away, which is hard when hes constantly on my mind.

So I absolutely agree with what others have said and that you need to be brave and confront the situation. Hopefully you get the answer you want and all will be fine. And if youre like me and you dont, well take it one day at a time.

Txt him about his stuff and arrange something from there. You're 100% not making a fool of yourself by saying how you feel. Why shouldn't you!

I'm not sure why but Im almost scared to face him. Mostly because Im afraid of crying because I really miss him and even seeing him is going to hurt and secondly because I'm afraid he'll feel like im being a torture.

If I txt Im afraid he wont reply and if i ring he might not answer because its still so up in the air and when he asked for time I want to give it. It's just the way it was left hanging and I dont know which way to turn.

why are relationships so complicated??

Lorna123

I wouldn't contact him. He will have to contact you eventually to collect his things so why not wait until that happens. If you contact him now and he comes and collects his things and tells you he is not ready for this relationship you will be kicking yourself for not giving him more time. Don't force the issue, just wait. He can't do without his stuff for much longer. You will have a lot more respect for yourself if you just wait until he contacts you. Also, the longer this goes on the stronger you will get, so hang on in there.

Ellsbells

I agree with Lorna - play the long game here. Go out and have fun this weekend and see how it pans out but don't contact him.

Are you sure you don't just want him cos he has backed off? Be sure in case he does come back to you.

xXLaneyXx

Ellsbells wrote: »

I agree with Lorna - play the long game here. Go out and have fun this weekend and see how it pans out but don't contact him.

Are you sure you don't just want him cos he has backed off? Be sure in case he does come back to you.

No i really do want him..thats the problem, I'm afraid that i'll make a mess of things, maybe its already done, I don't know but I know theres something he's not telling me ..I know I held back a bit at the start but this week end past I realised how much I missed him while I was away and couldnt wait to get back to see him

dixiefly

xXLaneyXx wrote: »

Thanks Katy89,
His things include his ipad, ipod, shoes, jackets and so on so I know he'll need them. In ways I probably would like an explanation but in other ways I think it might be better if I dont see him. Im afraid to making a complete fool of myself and get upset infront of him if I try find out exactly what it is that made him change his mind about me.. literally overnight!!

I've never been fourthcoming about confronting people and I know Ill just probably accept any excuse he has and it will annoy me for goodness knows how long.

To me that is very strange that he would not want these items. ipad is an expensive bit of kit and I would be getting it inless the distance to get it is impractical.

I think Lorna has the best advice....leave it for another few days. He will certainly have to come and get those items - it is not just some random bits of clothing.

ibarelycare

I have to disagree with the last few posters. If you have been holding back a bit from the start and he's been the one doing most of the chasing, then maybe he wants a gesture from you right now to show how much you really do care. Don't drive yourself crazy, if you really want to text him do it. Don't try and engage him in conversation, leave it so that he doesn't feel obliged to answer. Maybe just reiterate how much you care for him and that you miss him.

After all he did say to give him a "day or two" and that was Sunday, now it's Friday. It's not really fair for him to keep you hanging in limbo this long.

Ellsbells

Oh yeah if its 5 days (sorry didnt look at the timeline) then I would write him off.

xXLaneyXx

Ok,

So just got a text from him asking how I was and If i'd like to visit him this eve???!!!!!!!!!

ibarelycare

It sounds like he wants to talk. Don't mind all the "game playing" that people might suggest. Go and talk to him, listen to what he has to say, be honest with what you want to say, and take it from there. Hope it goes well

xXLaneyXx

ibarelycare wrote: »

It sounds like he wants to talk. Don't mind all the "game playing" that people might suggest. Go and talk to him, listen to what he has to say, be honest with what you want to say, and take it from there. Hope it goes well

Thanks ibarleycare,

I'll just have to wait and see what happens.. stomach is churing and my pulse is racing , I just dont want to build my hopes up ..

Ellsbells

Yeah just listen to him and remember that no matter what happens, all will be well.

kc83

Let us know what happens wont you!? I think women freak out at the very beginning of relationships and within a few meetings we decide....yea ok I'll give it a go!!
Men on the other hand pursue.......date the girl.....then 6 months into the 'seeing each other' realize 'oh crap this is actually getting serious!!
This has happened to me and I'm with my partner four yrs now.
I never had intended meeting anyone, but after a few weeks in I decided I'd really give it a go!!it took him 5 months, to have a mini freak out , he stopped calling me Nd wasn't himself but I gave him space of about a week or so and the ne t time I met up with him he told me he had never had these feelings towards anyone before so he got scared off and we re still together four yrs later.
Not gettin your hopes up but men get freaked out when it comes to commitment!!

xXLaneyXx

kc83 wrote: »

Let us know what happens wont you!? I think women freak out at the very beginning of relationships and within a few meetings we decide....yea ok I'll give it a go!!
Men on the other hand pursue.......date the girl.....then 6 months into the 'seeing each other' realize 'oh crap this is actually getting serious!!
This has happened to me and I'm with my partner four yrs now.
I never had intended meeting anyone, but after a few weeks in I decided I'd really give it a go!!it took him 5 months, to have a mini freak out , he stopped calling me Nd wasn't himself but I gave him space of about a week or so and the ne t time I met up with him he told me he had never had these feelings towards anyone before so he got scared off and we re still together four yrs later.
Not gettin your hopes up but men get freaked out when it comes to commitment!!

Thank you for your post Kc, Maybe I might know more tomorrow, maybe I wont be any better of.
I just know I'm going to lay it all out to him and at least then he'll know exactly how I fell and I'll know I've done what I can. I really respect him wanting a little time and I'd wait for him..but I cant wait forever.
I have come to the conclusion myself that he may feel a little overwhelmed and maybe freaked as you put it.

Time will tell.

Thanks again for your reply x

xXLaneyXx

Hi Guys,

Looks like we're back on track,we had a big heart to heart on Friday and we're both on the same page now. There were things on his mind I knew nothing about and we talked them out and he was a whole lot happier.
We spent most of the week end together just having fun and lots of laughing and joking.
Think it was mostly a little freak out and he wasnt sure how to handle it.

We'll see how it goes from here, take it day by day and no big pressure.

Im SOOOOO happy!!

Thanks again for all your replies!!x

ibarelycare

That's great news Laney, best of luck with the relationship!

stargazer 68

xXLaneyXx wrote: »

Hi Guys,

We'll see how it goes from here, take it day by day and no big pressure.

Im SOOOOO happy!!

Thanks again for all your replies!!x

Oh good. Good luck xx