My boyfriend thinks im cheating because he found FB messages from an ex. Please help

hp808

Me and my boyfriend have been together on and off for 5 and a half years since we were 16. We have gotten through so much together and he is my best friend but he does not trust me whatsoever. When I was 18 we briefly split up and I started seeing someone else which cut him up. Then he did the same to me which I forgave. a year later during summer we split again and I started a sexual relationship with a guy. I told him about it but he has had trouble trusting me since. this was 3 years ago. I was friends with him on FB but he asked me delete him which I did. Nut when he went away to NZ for a year this guy friended me again and I accepted as FB means nothing.

We never spoke on it and then 2 months ago he wrote to me one night here is the conversation:
HIM:
Hey how's things random I no but do u want to meet up for a chat..could do with talking to someone that I trust.
ME
Hey yea ok why what's up

HIM
Feel like an ass writing to ya

ME
Why what's wrong ?

HIM
Just me been me keeping things bottled up

ME
What happened?

HIM
Nothing really just been down the last couple of months do no what really to say

end of conversation. I never met him nor had intentions of I just wanted to know what he wanted and what he was going to say. Me and my bf were at the eiffel tower yesterday and I left my bag with him. He got my phone turned it on and went through all my msgs and found this. Now he is accusing me of cheating on him which I am not and have even given him access to my phone records and ring him off my house constantly to reassure him and he is calling me a compulsive liar and said he wants nothing to me with me I am only cancer. I love him and I am terrified of loosing him. I know I was wrong not to tell him and to talk to this guy when he asked me not to but I really didnt see it as a big deal as the conversation was jus BS. Please help me what shoud I do to get him back?

LegacyUser

This relationships is toxic, he doesn't trust you, is controlling and has no respect for you.
You will throw your life away if you continue with this man. Love is a poor excuse to allow yourself to be walked all over.You did nothing wrong - he simply doesn't trust you and never will - there is nothing you can do to change that. If you stay with him these feelings of fear and worry you are experiencing will be with you every.single.day for the rest of your life.

Please help me what shoud I do to get him back?

Do nothing. You've wasted your teenage years with his guy, don't waste your 20's. See this incident for the warning sign and escape route it is, escape, run, and never look back.

Toast4532

You have done nothing wrong and have nothing to apologise for.

Your boyfriend has no right to demand you delete people (regardless of whether you had a relationship or not with them) and then to ask you not to have anything to do with them? That is way out of order.

If your ex was causing trouble to you/your bf/your relationship, I could understand your boyfriend asking you to delete them and have nothing to do with them, but it doesn't sound like that was the case at all.

Your boyfriend also had no right to go through your phone without asking you first and then to call you cancer is disgusting.

You had a relationship with a guy when you broke up with your boyfriend and you had a sexual relationship with someone else when you again broke up with your boyfriend, you didn't do anything wrong. You were a single individual and could see who you want, kiss who you want and sleep with who you want. Your past relationships are none of your boyfriends business.

Personally, I split up with the boyfriend and never get back with him again.

He doesn't trust you, and until he learns to trust you, you will never have a solid relationship as relationships are built around trust and if you don't have trust, you don't have much of a relationship I'm afraid.

Would your boyfriend be willing to see a counsellor for his trust issues? If not, then you should walk away, if he is willing to see a counsellor, I'd give him and your relationship one more chance, and if he blows it, that's it, no more chances.

It will be difficult, but do you honestly want to spend the rest of your life pandering to your boyfriends trust issues and his insecurities regarding your exes?

When your boyfriend went to NZ, did he have sex with other women? If he did, then he has double standards.

Piliger

Hi OP. You are clearly dating a guy with a serious jealousy problem and an arrogance that he feels he owns you.

You have done nothing whatsoever wrong and he has no right to abuse your privacy the way he has done. What does he think a girl friend is ? some kind of private slave girl who he can dominate the who cannot communicate with other people because he doesn't like it ?

This is NOT natural and NOT right OP. he has no right to treat you like this and you must not accept it.

I know you feel devastated - but I say to you that this is NOT a loving and good relationship. The very idea that you might be in such an abusive relationship for another five years or even longer is an appalling thought.

Please do not start this relationship again - unless he agrees to go to some serious anger and trust counselling and you must start to reassess your own rights and your own independence. You have a right to your own life, your own friends and you have a right to be TRUSTED with your ex's.

Please reassess the whole basis of this relationship.

dellas1979

hp808 wrote: »

said he wants nothing to me with me I am only cancer.

Youre scared to loose a guy who calls you this? Have you any self respect?

iguana

Hi OP, the first few sentences of your post are identical to the beginning of a thread from about 6 weeks ago, so I'm presuming you are the same poster. Have you and your boyfriend resolved the issue re- your Chlamydia infection? At the time he was taking the infection as proof that you had cheated on him but was also refusing to get any testing or treatment for himself. If that issue hasn't been resolved it's unsurprising that he is still looking for 'proof' that you have cheated on him.

I think that unless one or both of you makes serious moves to resolve his trust issues this type of thing will happen again and again. Imo, he needs counselling about his jealously because it won't resolve itself. But if you keep allowing him to treat you like this he will never have any incentive to change. If I was you I'd consider ending the relationship and only consider returning to it if he does serious work to change his behaviour (and gets STD treatment). Nothing will ever change if you don't. And if he doesn't then you will eventually move on and stand a chance of finding someone else in the future who is capable of being in a healthy relationship.

hp808

thanks to all for replies. I know he is hurt and he believes I lied to him and I met this guy to have sex with him. I try and show him how much I can be trusted I have ran up a phone bill of over E300 and bring him places the weekend. I just brought him to Paris on a 2 day trip and paid for everything and the he left me on my own when he found the message. In my eyes I know I done nothing wrong. In fairness if someone you were with years ago just popped up with a message like that would you not reply to see what they were going to say? Thats all I wanted to know why he wanted to talk to me after all these years. But my bf says I know well what he wanted - sex and thats why I agreed which is totally untrue I wouldnt do that but he just cant see it

OP, you need to leave him, stop wasting your money on someone who calls you cancer, and get some counselling.
I have no idea how to emphasise this enough. He is using you and treating you like dirt and you're lapping it up.
One day you will look back and realise you have no money because you wasted it all on someone who doesn't give a damn about you, is controlling you, is abusive toward you. Don't let it go on any further.
This isn't about a facebook message and you know it. If it weren't facebook, it'd be "that guy on the street looked at you, are you sleeping with him" or something else equally ridiculous.

WhimSock

He is paranoid, insecure and has control issues. He will only drag you down and wreck your head in the long run. Do you see yourself putting up with this behaviour for much longer? You will always have to 'prove' to him you're not cheating, and even then he won't believe you.

hp808

bluewolf wrote: »

This isn't about a facebook message and you know it. If it weren't facebook, it'd be "that guy on the street looked at you, are you sleeping with him" or something else equally ridiculous.

To be honest, for the past 2 months he has been convinced I was sleeping with one if his friends because of the sly digs his friend was saying to him apparently. I dont even have this guys number. On the way to the airport he made me cry because he was convinced I passed his house a few weeks ago at 3 in the morning because he seen a car same as mine with a blown spotlight bulb. But I genuinely in bed because I am up at 7 for work and I even put my mother on the phone to prove this

WhimSock

Does he smoke the hash, op?

Sounds scarily similar to my situation when I was in my early 20's.
Getting the flip away from him was the best thing I did. Clean break, dont answer calls or anything. Just create a big distance and don't let him try to manipulate his way back in with emotional blackmail or whatever.
His issues are not yours to deal with. No matter how much you think you love him, you're not getting anything out of this but grief.
Look at how he behaves toward you on a romantic break to Paris which youre funding. He is an ungrateful sod with no respect.

hp808

Yes he does whimshock. I sent him a link to this page to show him what people away from the situation think and he replied to me:

i didn see you mention your lying once very 1 sided as i expected from you as always with your **** that you ask strangers for advice. i want to never see you again your dead to me now

He says im a compulsive liar because I told him I wouldn't and don't talk to this guy on facebook but I replied to his message when he mailed me and never said I did

WhimSock

One thing I learned from my experience was, you can never tell or convince a paranoid person (especially if it's drug induced) that they are paranoid.
I learned this the long and hard way. Linking him to this page is not going to do much for either of you.
You know something is not right with your situation. Make this current break up permanent. Stay strong

fungun

You are just afraid of the unknown because you have been with him so long and have not got any other experience. Dont worry, this is fairly normal for a first proper relationship.

Break up, you will look back in a few years time thinking wtf were you doing staying with this guy for as long as you have: this is not a healthy relationship

dellas1979

First thing is to stop calling him your bf.

I wouldnt want someone like that associated with me.

"Cancer" and "dead to him now" - what a lovely guy to want to have a future with. Are you serious?

Stop right now trying to "fix" all this or trying to understand all this, and start feeling upset and angry towards what he has done to you.

Stavro Mueller

The only way to solve this is to agree to be monitored 24/7 by CCTV, wear a GPS tracking device, have all texts, emails and messages automatically sent to his phone, give him all your phone records, till receipts and bank statements and to have your mother on hand to verify your movements should there be any queries. Yeah, that might just about work.

Seriously OP. Stop deluding yourself into thinking that you can do something that will solve this. You are not the one with the problems. He is. It's somewhat ironic too that a man with trust issues doesn't see anything wrong with rummaging through his girlfriend's bag and auditing her phone. He is right about one things. There is a cancer in this relationship. Such a shame he doesn't look in the mirror and see who it really is.

hp808

thanks for all replies I really appreciate it. He called out to my house this evening to make friends and tell me he was leaving and going travelling. I know I shouldnt be but I am heartbroken why would he do this

Toast4532

hp808 wrote: »

thanks for all replies I really appreciate it. He called out to my house this evening to make friends and tell me he was leaving and going travelling. I know I shouldnt be but I am heartbroken why would he do this

You are better off without him.

He treats you terrible, has no respect for you, goes through your phone without your permission, you take him on holiday and he still upsets you, calls you cancer and said you are dead to him, why on earth would you want someone like him as your boyfriend?

Partners who love, care for and respect you won't treat you how he has treated you.

It might hurt now, but in time, you will get over him and you will find someone who will treat you how you should be treated.

And hopefully karma will get your ex, and give him a taste of his own medicine, he sure as hell deserves it.

Taltos

OP - I know this will sound funny to you but can I suggest that today, as soon as you have a chance you go through everything you have and ensure he can't contact you again.

Phone - block his number, either yourself or get onto your service provider. Worst case change your number.
Facebook - change you settings, limit who has access even if it means changing settings on common friends.
eMail etc - change all of your passwords.

When he rings you (shouldn't be able to) or calls around - don't talk to him, actually refuse to meet him.
This guy is either messed up or is attempting to play a serious game with you that results in your self-esteem dropping through the floor until you are so reliant on him you will have no friends left.
If he is honest about travelling - great - use this time to feel better about you - but right now - you need to all you can to cut him 100% out of your life and work on being true to yourself.

Sponge25

hp808 wrote: »

Me and my boyfriend have been together on and off for 5 and a half years since we were 16. We have gotten through so much together and he is my best friend but he does not trust me whatsoever. When I was 18 we briefly split up and I started seeing someone else which cut him up. Then he did the same to me which I forgave. a year later during summer we split again and I started a sexual relationship with a guy. I told him about it but he has had trouble trusting me since. this was 3 years ago. I was friends with him on FB but he asked me delete him which I did. Nut when he went away to NZ for a year this guy friended me again and I accepted as FB means nothing.

We never spoke on it and then 2 months ago he wrote to me one night here is the conversation:
HIM:
Hey how's things random I no but do u want to meet up for a chat..could do with talking to someone that I trust.
ME
Hey yea ok why what's up

HIM
Feel like an ass writing to ya

ME
Why what's wrong ?

HIM
Just me been me keeping things bottled up

ME
What happened?

HIM
Nothing really just been down the last couple of months do no what really to say

end of conversation. I never met him nor had intentions of I just wanted to know what he wanted and what he was going to say. Me and my bf were at the eiffel tower yesterday and I left my bag with him. He got my phone turned it on and went through all my msgs and found this. Now he is accusing me of cheating on him which I am not and have even given him access to my phone records and ring him off my house constantly to reassure him and he is calling me a compulsive liar and said he wants nothing to me with me I am only cancer. I love him and I am terrified of loosing him. I know I was wrong not to tell him and to talk to this guy when he asked me not to but I really didnt see it as a big deal as the conversation was jus BS. Please help me what shoud I do to get him back?

You were wrong for adding that guy, my gf can talk to any males she wants but no ex's or ones that want to be with her. He was wrong for looking at your phone in the way he did!

Meet up with him and say, i'm so sorry, I promise you I didn't cheat and I didn't even meet up with him. I love you and only you and I want to be with you! If he can't accept that then maybe you aren't right for each other. It's unnacceptable he's saying you're a cancer but try to understand he's convinced you cheated on him and that must be absolutely crushing for him so he's gonna say things he doesn't mean.

PS. My ex was convinced I cheated on her and I didn't so she cheated on me with her ex to "let me know how it feels" so make sure that doesn't happen! If ya need someone to talk too ya can always pm me if ya need to vent.

Taltos

Sponge25 - please read our charter before posting here again. Asking an OP to PM you is called out as not permitted. The PI/RI forum operates with zero tolerance.

We have zero tolerance for flaming, just this once we are cutting you a break but if you post in a similar style/sentiment to above again you will receive an immediate ban.

Thanks
Taltos

Sponge25

Taltos wrote: »

Sponge25 - please read our charter before posting here again. Asking an OP to PM you is called out as not permitted. The PI/RI forum operates with zero tolerance.

We have zero tolerance for flaming, just this once we are cutting you a break but if you post in a similar style/sentiment to above again you will receive an immediate ban.

Thanks
Taltos

I didn't ask anyone to PM me. I said feel free too! Flaming? I didn't flame anyone! I simply posted some advice on and said if you need further advice feel free to PM me, I didn't know that was against the rules. I won't do it again!

Taltos

sponge25 - taking a well earned week's vacation from PI/RI.

Regards
Taltos