Is this any good?

The Amazing Spiderman

I am writing a story for homework (6th year HL English) the brief is "write a story in which the main character undergoes and unexpected change" (Is it any good? where should I take it from here?spoiler:

I might make him win a gold in the paralympics, or succesfully regain control of his legs. im not sure

Here's my go at it:

Paul was captain of the school basketball team. They had success at all levels, winning National and Provincial Tournaments. An all-round high achiever, Paul did well in school, achieving straight A’s in every exam, and was very popular among his peers. He had just passed his driving test on his first attempt and now had a car and a license. Paul was looking forward to completing his Leaving Certificate and moving on to University. Paul had developed a keen interest in sports. He was hoping to study Sports Science in University after his Leaving Certificate. His parents were proud of him and hoped he would make a career out of sports. But tonight was a very important night for Paul. He was thinking of nothing else. Tonight was the night of the Leinster Boys School League final. Every game he played all year came built up to this. All the hard work put in by him and his teammates came down to tonight. It was their chance to keep the Leinster title in the school’s trophy cabinet for another year.
By the end of the first half, his team were trailing with a score of 12-9. Paul told his teammates in the dressing room to keep their heads up and “keep fighting on”. They went on to win the game 20-17. Paul was so proud of his team’s performance. He gave a short speech congratulating his teammates and opponents on their efforts. He suggested to the team, in the changing rooms, that they go out later to celebrate their success. So they made plans to meet in Paul’s house at 9.00pm and then head into town around 10.30pm.
Paul awoke from a deep sleep. The bed he lay in and the room he was in was strange to him. He did not remember anything and he did not know what time it was. His mouth was dry and his legs were numb. He looked around and took in his surroundings. The floor lino was white like the walls. There were machines around him and him and there were people in white coats walking past the double doors of his room. He suddenly realized where he was. He had been in this hospital ward before when he broke his arm playing rugby. He felt somewhat reassured when he saw his mother coming in with a cup of coffee. Her face was pale; she looked as if she hadn’t slept for days. When she realized that Paul was awake, her face lit up. She put the coffee down and gave Paul a hug. Paul felt confused. “What happened”, he said. “You have been in a car accident. But you’re going to be okay”. Parts of the previous night suddenly came back to Paul. He remembered winning his basketball match. Then he remembered going out with his teammates to celebrate. He had driven into town with two of the lads in his new car. “What happened, Mam? Are the others okay?” Paul asked. “Yes the other lads got taxis home. You drove home on your own. Your car lost control after a sharp turn and you hit a tree. The doctors don’t know the extent of the damage yet.” said Paul’s mother.
The next day Paul’s friends and teammates came to visit him. They brought him cards and gifts. Paul was very grateful for their support, but he had a lot on his mind and wasn’t in the mood for talking. Paul was very anxious. He was worried about what the doctor would tell him. “Will I ever walk again?” Paul wondered. Paul was expecting to talk to the doctor later in the day. The hours until the doctor’s visit went by very slowly. Every now and then a nurse would check up on him. Paul’s friends tried to distract him from his thoughts with conversation, but it had little effect on him. After what seemed like an eternity, the nurse came in and told Pauls friends that he would be speaking to the doctor. So they said their goodbyes and went home. The doctor came in, closed the doors and introduced himself to Paul and his mother as James. “How are you feeling Paul?” he asked. Paul felt very worried. “Fine” he said, “Will I be able to walk again?” The doctor looked reluctant to speak. “You are lucky to be alive. It really was a disastrous accident. You have lost control in both your legs. It is unlikely you will get it back.” He said.

nervous_twitch

Depends on your objectives; are you looking to write adequate 6th year homework to secure you a good grade, or do you want to pursue writing as a past-time/profession?

I don't mean that to sound patronising if it does. I just mean that, as a homework exercise, it reads fine - it's safe, grammatically OK and largely adheres to your brief. I'm sure you'd get a good mark. If you ever wanted to do anything with it independently though, I think it needs some work.

I don't correct Leaving Cert, so I don't really know what they're looking for; is it more about correct English than anything else I wonder?

echo beach

While it fills the brief in that there is a 'sudden and unexpected change' I would have preferred to read about a change in attitude or perspective but maybe that part is still to come.

It does read very like an exercise rather than an original piece. I know originality isn't rated very highly at LC but I would like a little more 'spark', more of what Paul feels rather than telling what happened to him.

The Amazing Spiderman

echo beach wrote: »

While it fills the brief in that there is a 'sudden and unexpected change' I would have preferred to read about a change in attitude or perspective but maybe that part is still to come.

It does read very like an exercise rather than an original piece. I know originality isn't rated very highly at LC but I would like a little more 'spark', more of what Paul feels rather than telling what happened to him.

Thanks for your reply. I don't want to go out of my depth with too much "spark" as you called it. This is me giving my best effort. Creative writing is not a hobby of mine, but I would like a good grade in school. What I'm trying to say is; if I start getting all fancy and "original" I'm afraid of coming across to my teacher as someone who thinks they know a thing or two about writing
,while failing epically. Yeah a change in attitude is too come though.

The Amazing Spiderman

Here is a bit more.

... Paul’s mother sobbed. “How unlikely? What chance do I have, doctor?” The doctor’s expression was morbid. “It’s hard to know, Paul. If I had to give you a number, I would say one per cent.” There was a tense silence, after which the doctor said; “Many people have faced this situation before, Paul. You may not agree with me now, but you can still lead a full and happy life. There are people you can talk too, people who can help. Soon you will realize that focusing on the positives will make it easier to cope.”

echo beach

The Amazing Spiderman wrote: »

What I'm trying to say is; if I start getting all fancy and "original" I'm afraid of coming across to my teacher as someone who thinks they know a thing or two about writing
,while failing epically.

I understand where you are coming from but I am saddened by your reply. Your teacher should be there to help you reach your full potential, which may involve a few 'epic' fails along the way. But LC is all about the results, repeating what somebody else has decided is the 'right' answer, rather than thinking for yourself.
I'm not blaming you. You are a victim of the system. Maybe when you escape it you will find your own voice.

The Amazing Spiderman

echo beach wrote: »

I understand where you are coming from but I am saddened by your reply. Your teacher should be there to help you reach your full potential, which may involve a few 'epic' fails along the way. But LC is all about the results, repeating what somebody else has decided is the 'right' answer, rather than thinking for yourself.
I'm not blaming you. You are a victim of the system. Maybe when you escape it you will find your own voice.

Some parts of the Irish educational system baffle me too. I have finished and handed up the essay. I will post it in full here. I've slightly changed a few sentences around. Thanks for your replies!

The Amazing Spiderman

Paul was captain of the school basketball team. They had success at all levels, winning National and Provincial Tournaments. An all-round high achiever, Paul did well in school, achieving straight A’s in every exam, and was very popular among his peers. He had just passed his driving test on his first attempt and now had a car and a license. Paul was looking forward to completing his Leaving Certificate and moving on to University. Paul had developed a keen interest in sports. He was hoping to study Sports Science in University after his Leaving Certificate. His parents were proud of him and hoped he would make a career out of sports. But tonight was a very important night for Paul. He was thinking of nothing else. Tonight was the night of the Leinster Boys School League final. Every game he played all year came built up to this. All the hard work put in by him and his teammates came down to tonight. It was their chance to keep the Leinster title in the school’s trophy cabinet for another year.
By the end of the first half, his team were trailing with a score of 12-9. Paul told his teammates in the dressing room to keep their heads up and “keep fighting on”. They went on to win the game 20-17. Paul was so proud of his team’s performance. He gave a short speech congratulating his teammates and opponents on their efforts. He suggested to the team, in the changing rooms, that they go out later to celebrate their success. So they made plans to meet in Paul’s house at 9.00pm and then head into town around 10.30pm.
Paul awoke from a deep sleep. The bed he lay in and the room he was in was strange to him. He did not remember anything and he did not know what time it was. His mouth was dry and his legs were numb. He looked around and took in his surroundings. The floor lino was white like the walls. There were machines around him and him and there were people in white coats walking past the double doors of his room. He suddenly realized where he was. He had been in this hospital ward before when he broke his arm playing rugby. He felt somewhat reassured when he saw his mother coming in with a cup of coffee. Her face was pale; she looked as if she hadn’t slept for days. When she realized that Paul was awake, her face lit up. She put the coffee down and gave Paul a hug. Paul felt confused. “What happened”, he said. “You have been in a car accident. But you’re going to be okay”. Parts of the previous night suddenly came back to Paul. He remembered winning his basketball match. Then he remembered going out with his teammates to celebrate. He had driven into town with two of the lads in his new car. “What happened, Mam? Are the others okay?” Paul asked. “Yes the other lads got taxis home. You drove home on your own. Your car lost control after a sharp turn and you hit a tree. The doctors don’t know the extent of the damage yet.” said Paul’s mother.
The next day Paul’s friends and teammates came to visit him. They brought him cards and gifts. Paul was very grateful for their support, but he had a lot on his mind and wasn’t in the mood for talking. Paul was very anxious. He was worried about what the doctor would tell him. “Will I ever walk again?” Paul wondered. Paul was expecting to talk to the doctor later in the day. The hours until the doctor’s visit went by very slowly. Every now and then a nurse would check up on him. Paul’s friends tried to distract him from his thoughts with conversation, but it had little effect on him. After what seemed like an eternity, the nurse came in and told Pauls friends that he would be speaking to the doctor. So they said their goodbyes and went home. The doctor came in, closed the doors and introduced himself to Paul and his mother as James. The doctor had a clip-board in his hand “Will I be able to walk again, doctor?” asked Paul. The doctor hesitated, before saying; “You are lucky to be alive. It really was a disastrous accident. You have lost control in both your legs. It is unlikely you will get it back.” Paul’s mother sobbed. “How unlikely? What chance do I have, doctor?” The doctor’s expression was morbid. “It’s hard to know, Paul. If I had to give you a number, I would say one per cent.” There was a tense silence, after which the doctor said; “Many people have faced this situation before, Paul. You may not agree with me now, but you can still lead a full and happy life. There are people you can talk too, people who can help. Soon you will realize that focusing on the positives will make it easier to cope.”
Within six months, Paul was dismissed from hospital. Although he found it difficult to come to terms with his paralysis, Paul felt somewhat happy to be home. The happiness did not last very long. Even though Paul was surrounded by friends, family and neighbours who showed him great support, Paul felt alone. He was very appreciative of their support but they could never fully understand what he was going through. Paul went to a counsellor every week to help him deal with the mental and emotional stress that came with his condition. He told his counsellor, about how he felt he was so alone, that he had nobody to talk to who understood what he was going through. “Have you tried finding somebody who has gone through what you are? It helps to talk.” She said. Paul remembered when he was training with his basketball team, that he often saw disabled people playing wheelchair-basketball in the other court. They usually got together around eight o’ clock on a Friday night.
Paul went down to the gym on Friday night. He was feeling nervous, and he did not know what he would say when he met the wheelchair-basketball players. When he found them on the court they were in the middle of a game. Paul wheeled over to the manager who thought he was there to play. “I’ll put you in one of the teams after this game, mate” he said in a friendly voice. Paul replied; “Actually I decided to come down to ask a few questions. I was in a terrible car accident a little over 6 months ago and now I have lost control in both my legs. It is difficult for me to accept what has happened to me and move on with my life. I feel isolated, like I am the only one in the world suffering from this. My counsellor told me that it would help to talk to people like me.” The coach looked like he understood exactly what Paul was saying. “We’ve all had the same problem, mate. The best thing you can do is surround yourself with people like you. When I started this team my life was at an all-time low. I was depressed and I felt like I would never get over my problem, but since then, my life has turned around. I feel like I did when I had full control over my body. You see, we get together every Monday and Friday night. It’s very important to each one of us. We can come here and talk to people who understand us. It’s also a great way to relieve stress. You are welcome to come down and play with us anytime.” Paul left the gym feeling reassured.
Tonight was a big night for Paul. Tonight, he and the Irish Paralympic basketball team were fighting for gold in the Paralympics. Paul looked back on the previous six years since he had the accident. He was grateful for the welcoming he received from the wheelchair basketball club and the friends who supported him all the way to the Paralympics. He was glad that he decided to keep playing basketball despite his condition and that he made so many new friends with the same condition. Paul spent his time in the changing rooms trying to get his head in the right place for the match. Every game he played and every training session all year built up to this. All the hard work put in by him and his teammates came down to tonight. Paul went out on to the court with his teammates and lined up for the national anthem. In the crowd, he could see his family and friends. It was an emotional night. After the game Paul was exhausted. He was delighted that he won though. He was so tired receiving his gold medal that all he could do was smile but he was so proud at how far he came. How he over leaped his life’s biggest hurdle. He remembered what the doctor said to him the day he received the terrible news; “you can still lead a full and happy life. There are people you can talk too, people who can help. Soon you will realize that focusing on the positives will make it easier to cope.” He did not believe it when he heard it, but now he realized that the doctor was right. If you focus on the positives, you can be happy no matter what your situation.

echo beach

Let us know what your teacher thought. They are the professionals.

The Amazing Spiderman

echo beach wrote: »

Let us know what your teacher thought. They are the professionals.

Will do.

The Amazing Spiderman

I only got the essay back today. Disappointing result yet again! I got a D2 49%.

My teacher asked the class to "put up your hand if you wrote about an accident". 9 people chose the same topic and 8 put up their hand. She says if our essays aren't original we will lose a lot of marks.

Here's the comment she left me: "Good effort. A good link between your introduction and your conclusion. Remember that originality is important, try to avoid the obvious plots."

the P.C.L.M. grade I got was:

P 15/30
C 14/30
L 14/30
M 6/10

An explanation for PCLM marking scheme can be found here (although it doesn't make any sense to me.)

PurpleBee

The introduction needs to be more interesting. Try and vary your sentences more. Simply presenting the facts you have imagined for your character and then making stuff happen to him isn't enough.

TerrorFirmer

It's not very well written, and I only say that in a kind way, it's readable and relatively coherent, but devoid of any real emotion or impact...it reads very much as a typical 'essay'. It's a difficult thing, really, as without the knack for writing, it's hard to do very well in these pieces. I'd say you're best off refining what you have, as best as you can, with whatever help you can get.

echo beach

The Amazing Spiderman wrote: »

Here's the comment she left me: "Good effort. A good link between your introduction and your conclusion. Remember that originality is important, try to avoid the obvious plots."

That reads like a fair comment. Be honest, if you weren't watching the paralympics at the time would you have come up with that story? There is nothing wrong with taking inspiration from current events but when half the class do the same the teacher/exam marker will get bored and you will suffer by comparison with others who handle the topic better.

It is difficult to be original especially in an education system that demands conformity. Try to be an individual, to write something that nobody else could have written because it comes from your own experience or beliefs. The real weakness in that piece is that almost anybody could have written it. Try putting yourself in Paul's place. Change it to 'I was captain...' and see if you would make any changes.

patrikk

The only advice I can offer you is to 1.Make your intro & character interesting and 'paint a picture' with a few characteristics.For example if you're describing an old man called Paul,you could say "His friends called him Doyler but his name was Paul."that was the name you were given" his mother would say,God bless her.He took out his bus pass that was frayed at the edges and had lost his photo....etcetera 2.Lead into a scene as descriptively as possible.3Create the scene with banter/dialogue and chacters with certain mannerisms (think only fools and horses for example) 4.Finish with 'food for thought' or an unexpected conclusion.It stays in the memory either way and may even get the reader to read again.Hope that was some help,good luck.