Can Woman Really Do No Strings??

Timmythedonkey

Hi, I'm a 40 year old woman, Seperated with 2 kid's. Met a 31 year old the beggining of June of this year. He's a lovely chap and I always thought I could do the 'no string's' thing as I really do feel like my life is full enough without the added hassle of a 'man' in my life full time.

So the history is - we met had the most amazing night of sex and met a few more times....then about 3 weeks ago he told me he had been seeing someone for about 3 weeks (he said he didn't think it would last) TBH I have had a one night stand since meeting him so I would have been fine if he'd have said he'd had a one night stand but to say he basically had a GF was abit of a kick in the teeth!

I have my head screwed on and realise a young man with a good job and his life ahead of him dosen't wanna be lumbered with me and two kids! BUT, we have clicked - (as in we can chat openily and frankly and have met each other out since initially meeting and there is a spark)

So my question is Can I do the no string's thing or not? I really don't feel ready for a full on relationship but feel we have a connection - or is that a woman who is having a good time & feeling a connection talking CR*P? I feel really stupid asking this as it feels very juvinial but I can feel myself getting attached!!!

nowyouresix

OP: if you feel you are getting attached, then no, you can't do the "no strings" , not with this person , at least.
Best of luck

Goat the dote

If he is still with the other woman I'd say no steer well clear from him.
But I agree with op, if you have any romantic feelings them it's not no strings. Like if it stung a bit that he is with someone else then it's not really no strings

Piliger

hi OP. I am a 50+yo man, divorced with son living with me.

Firstly I see nothing juvenile or stupid in how you feel or what you are doing. You are exploring your options and exploring what kinds of relationship you want, need and can cope with.

The real truth is that only a very few men can deal with a no strings sexual open relationship. We hear a lot of 'noise' about them but they are small in number. And my guess is that it is similar with women.

So you wanted to have a no strings thing. All went well and you have enjoyed it. But now it's not working because he appears to be entering an actual relationship with another woman. I suspect also you are wondering if she knows his status with you, and you are also finding that somewhat awkward to say the least.

I think that he is changing the game in mid session and it is hardly surprising that it has thrown you. What was a balanced no strings setup has been totally changed into a completely unbalanced situation with one partner playing their own game on the side.

There is only one course of action to take in my view - you must talk with this man and spit it all out. He may have a need for a relationship and feel that you only want a no strings thing. Or he may want you only for sex and someone else for a relationship. No one can possibly know until you start talking openly and honestly between you Will it be difficult ? of course .... but who said life was going to be easy ?

Go for a walk together somewhere quiet or an evening in and both of you open up and be emotionally honest.

girl2

My friend says no. Because apparently when women have sex, some emotional attachment thing comes into play. And my friend is fairly clever

Ellsbells

Its not for me as I know I couldnt handle it.

I also think its quite icky and base to meet someone just to have sex when you dont like them enough to date / go out with.

each to their own though.

LegacyUser

I'm sure some women can. But really, even if 99% of women could, would it matter if you happened to be in the 1% who can't?

I did the no strings thing for a while but it was with a man who I never really clicked with. We'd chat a little bit but it wasn't personal stuff. Really, the only reason we were in contact at was for the sex. It fizzled out eventually when he got a girlfriend. It didn't sting at all. The only thing I missed was the knowledge that I could have regular sex. I was surprised how relieved I felt when it was over because I realised I wasn't cut out for sex with someone I didn't care about.

Going back to your PI, it looks like you're gone well beyond the no strings phase with this man. Though why he's still with you if he has a girlfriend is another issue. Maybe you're more eager to have a relationship than you think. Only you can decide.

dellas1979

Yes it is possible.

But there have to be rules laid down on either side.
First thing is to establish is if both people are happy to have NSA and to continue that way. Purely a sexual thing, nothing else. Go in, get the job done, so to speak, and thats it.

Which leads me the next point, people entering into this kind of arrangement shouldnt talk about personal things/their lives/what is going on in their lives. That opens the field for you to start caring.

As one other poster said though, and its true, women will form an emotional bond quicker or almost instinctively with a person. Its the way we are made. You need to remove all emotions for NSA. Its just a purely physical thing.

But again, you already seem to be emotionally attached to this guy, so I would tread very very carefully.

Hardonraging

dellas1979 wrote: »

Yes it is possible.

But there have to be rules laid down on either side.
First thing is to establish is if both people are happy to have NSA and to continue that way. Purely a sexual thing, nothing else. Go in, get the job done, so to speak, and thats it.

Which leads me the next point, people entering into this kind of arrangement shouldnt talk about personal things/their lives/what is going on in their lives. That opens the field for you to start caring.

As one other poster said though, and its true, women will form an emotional bond quicker or almost instinctively with a person. Its the way we are made. You need to remove all emotions for NSA. Its just a purely physical thing.

But again, you already seem to be emotionally attached to this guy, so I would tread very very carefully.

Of all the things that have been said, the above is really critical, as human's we form bond's with other people based on our emotions, if you get to know a person to much you will inevitable form a bond, be it a way one bond ..

If he's seeing another woman, it's best to leave it be, plenty more guy's out there who are more than willing to fill his place ...

LegacyUser

Timmythedonkey wrote: »

So my question is Can I do the no string's thing or not? I really don't feel ready for a full on relationship but feel we have a connection - or is that a woman who is having a good time & feeling a connection talking CR*P? I feel really stupid asking this as it feels very juvinial but I can feel myself getting attached!!!

It's kinda irrelevant if you can do it or not tbh. This guy is a cheat. Even if you did end up wanting a relationship with him at some stage, he has a girlfriend. And you'd be in a relationship with a man you know is capable of cheating.

Recipe for disaster either way OP. Spare a thought for his girlfriend and walk away now with your conscience and respect intact, she doesn't deserve to be cheated on, don't be that woman.

Piliger

whywouldyoueven? wrote: »

This guy is a cheat.

How can someone in a no-strings sexual relationship be labelled a chat ? What does the 'no-strings' part of the relationship refer to ?

Ellsbells

He has strings with someone else i.e. his girlfriend.

LegacyUser

Piliger wrote: »

How can someone in a no-strings sexual relationship be labelled a chat ?

When that person is in two relationships: one which is "no strings" with the OP and one with his girlfriend, andsaid girlfriend (presumably) is under the impression that he is being faithful to her. That's how.

What does the 'no-strings' part of the relationship refer to ?

it relates solely to his relationship with the OP - it refers to him wanting a purely sexual relationship with her, while being in a (again presumably) committed relationship with his girlfriend - i'm not sure why you think that negates the point to my previous post?

Now if he happens to have an open relationship with his girlfriend and you can handle that OP then my point is admittedly obviously invalid, but that doesn't sound like the case.

Piliger

whywouldyoueven? wrote: »

said girlfriend (presumably) is under the impression that he is being faithful to her.

...while being in a (again presumably) committed relationship with his girlfriend

I never cease to be amazed at how fast some people can slap a nasty label on someone they know nothing about based solely on their presumptions extracted from one or two posts by a third person.

jellygems

yes I often have for months with the same person, it doesnt suit everyone tho

Tbh I prefer no strings at this time of my life

Taltos

Piliger and others please review our charter.

If you don't have constructive advice for the OP please don't post.
Doing so is consdered off topic and is bannable.
In this instance we have issued Piliger a red card and have deleted further un-reg'd posts that continue this discussion/argument.

If you are anyway unclear on our charter keep this in mind - PI/RI is not the place for discussions. Breachers of our charter even mild ones are not tolerated.

Thanks
Taltos

dannyc31

i could give you the science answer to that question first. which is No. women are biologically programmed to form a strong emotional bond with a man when they have sex with the release of brain chemicals such as Oxytocin basically so that a partner is there as a support for the upbringing of their off-spring if they fell pregnant. thats the Darwin answer and is whats going on at a sub conscience level.

but even thou thats science it really is alot of whats going on here. he is probably throwing out the info about the other girl because he doesnt want you to get too attached as he is not looking to take on such a big commitment i.e you and your children and then at the same time you are actually looking for that exact thing i.e. a supportive partner who is great at sex yes but more importantly could be there as a support for you and your children. thats why you are torn in asking this question its got nothing to do with you wondering if you can do no strings attached and everything to do with that not being all you want deep down.

Timmythedonkey

Thanks for all the replies - Just to clarify about the so called GF. He told me he had been seeing someone for about 3 weeks (when I posted) This has now fizzled out and mutual friends of our's also told me he didn't have a GF at all, which is a little confusing??? I haven't seen him face to face to clarify this but I will when/if I next see him.

I was shocked when he told me about seeing someone as I woudln't ever want to be the other woman. We get on and have fun and were not hurting anyone so I think the situation suit's me (other than the fear of getting too attached!)

Stavro Mueller

Maybe he invented the girlfriend to lay down a marker? Kind of like how single women invent a husband or boyfriend to ward off unwanted Romeos.

Ellsbells

Its not confusing - he wants you to know that it will never be anything other than an 'arrangement'..

I personally would not get into bed with a liar.

shalalala

I have read of people that can do no strings. But I have yet to meet someone that has done it successfully. Someone seems to always get hurt.

I know that I couldn't do it. As soon as I get physical I get emotionally attached.

If I were you I would stay away from him. He doesn't seem to know what he wants and he seems to be lying.

Best of luck OP

Timmythedonkey

Thanks for the reply's - just to clarify about the so called GF.....When I last saw him (When origionally posting) He said he'd been seening someone for about 3 weeks. (he said it wouldn't last as she wasn't right for him - irrelivent really!) Mutual friend's told me that he DIDN't have a GF or was seeing anyone at this time. Still confused as to why he told me this but I'm still to see him face to face so will clarify this as the last thing I want is to be the other woman!!!

The first night I spent with him - I was sober he was drunk, He did ask what I was looking for. I was honest and said that I was looking for something very casual but would like a boyfriend but nothing heavy. I have been told by friends that he's a very hard worker and has lost GF's in the past becasue of this, so in all it seem's to me that were having fun and forfilling one another and no one is hurt - other than me getting attached! I do try really hard not to as when he phone's we chat like friend's do and talk about what is going on in our lives.

sam34

shalalala wrote: »

I have read of people that can do no strings. But I have yet to meet someone that has done it successfully. Someone seems to always get hurt.

I've had two successful NSA/FB arrangements and am currently in the middle of a third, and I'm female. it works if both are completely honest from the start.

daisybelle2008

Timmythedonkey wrote: »

other than me getting attached! I do try really hard not to a

Hi OP, if it is taking effort not to get attached. Then that might be an indication that this is not the right NSA relationship for you. Of course it works for some people! There is nothing wrong with having feelings for the other person, you need to have an attraction. But you do need a healthy indifference towards whether a relationship develops or not and to be very accepting of the way things are, not yearning for more or in your case trying hard not to get attached.

Lorna123

I think you are fooling yourself OP. If you thought you could do a NSA relationship you would not be asking us here, there would be no need. You can't do it, you are getting attached. You are enquiring about him from friends etc. Quit now while you are ahead.

Sponge25

All woman are different, i'm a guy but IMO most woman would feel some attachment. They wouldn't be sleeping with the guy if they didn't see good things in him and weren't attracted to him. If I was with a girl NSA for a few months and she told me she was with another guy too I wouldn't be surprised if it hurt a little.

It's up to you, you're starting to care about him and you know it.

Emme

Timmythedonkey wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies - Just to clarify about the so called GF. He told me he had been seeing someone for about 3 weeks (when I posted) This has now fizzled out and mutual friends of our's also told me he didn't have a GF at all, which is a little confusing??? I haven't seen him face to face to clarify this but I will when/if I next see him.

I was shocked when he told me about seeing someone as I woudln't ever want to be the other woman. We get on and have fun and were not hurting anyone so I think the situation suit's me (other than the fear of getting too attached!)

If you don't ever want to be the other woman you're not cut out for "no strings". I presume you were using protection. Lots of guys who want "no strings" see several women at once and are often sleeping with more than one woman at a time. That's the reality of "no strings". "No strings" means he literally has no obligation or loyalty to you. If you're happy with that good luck but I think that the older a woman gets the more likely she is to be a bit on the side or a temporary option until somebody better (ie younger) comes along. I don't mean to be offensive but I speak from personal experience as a 41 year old woman. I know that when the dating scene is bleak "no strings" might appear to be better than nothing but for most women it isn't.