How can I improve my teen daughter's life?

Dad Trying Hard

Hi
I have a beautiful, sensitive, shy and caring 16yr old daughter, whose life is a misery and I'm looking for some advice as to how to improve her situation.

Her Mom died a few years back, and since then things have been tough for her in school. Her peers found it difficult to deal with her situation, and gradually she has been dropped from her group.

She is now subjected to mild bullying - left to sit on her own in class, shoulders turn when she tries to engage in conversation, sleep-overs happen where she is the only one not invited etc

She has tried to move to other groups within school, but with no success.

She continues to work hard to try to stay involved, but feels humiliated on a daily basis. And it's taking a toll on her emotionally and on her self-confidence.

She is very, very paranoid that I would ask the school to act on it. I, in turn, have promised her not to do anything without telling her in advance. I need to do this because I feel its very important that she can trust me, and that I can keep a dialogue open with her.

I have talked to her school in the past, but they were pretty useless. Their attempts to solve other bullying problems have been bungling and naive - and confirming to my daughter that this option is a dead end.

My daughter is very reluctant to move school, as she says everyone knows when somebody leaves/joins a school due to bullying (thanks to Facebook) and she would hate to be in that spotlight. i find it hard to disagree with her on this one.

So what I really need to find is, as my daughter puts it, "a friend, someone who has my back, and mine theirs"

I know I can try to get her to join clubs etc but at 16 joining up to clubs where friendships are already built will be difficult for her.

Is this my only option?

Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

cynder

You should talk to the school about the bullying. It's not good for her self confidence or self esteem.

Unfortunately finding a good friend is hard, first it starts with similar interests. You have to start from scratch, get her involved in something she likes or something she is good at and she will share a common interest with the others participating. This is a start.


what is she interested in?

What is she good at?

There are plenty of sports she could become involved with, art classes if she likes art, or music lessons. There are also youth clubs ( personally I'm not gone on them)


Could you send her to a Halloween camp, simular to a Sumner camp where she can meet others, pony camp or activity camp at an activity center ( they do canoeing and rock climbing its good for team work and team building, it gives them confidence) and they always make new friends.


Might be wrong on this one but I'm throwing it out there just in case.

Does she have any similar age cousins, or an aunt or step mom that could give her a girly day/s , talk to her about make up, dress sense, hair styles, do something to boost her confidence. When you look good, you feel good, this might be lacking with your daughter if she has no mother figure. Maybe your daughter isn't into fashion if not then don't push it.

Stepping Stone

Something similar happened to somebody that I know.

Since she is around the same age, you might consider moving her to another school for the sake of the leaving cert. The girl that I know did 5th and 6th yr in a grinds school. Her mother had to take out a loan, but she said it was worth it.

Everyone was there to focus on their leaving, not to escape bullying. They all started without friends, but they made some pretty quickly. Nobody thought twice about her leaving her old school cos she was heading off to specialist one.

I know that financially, this may not be am option, but lots of people move schools because of the leaving.

As for other things, it is hard to think of ideas. Maybe encourage her to do stuff she enjoys. It will be something for her to talk about and give her a common ground with someone, even if it is just reading or listening to music.

She may feel a little left out cos she has nobody to talk about make-up, etc to. Here, YouTube is handy, playing around with it might give her something to boost her confidence and if she isn't into that kind of thing, there are plenty of other things for her to try.

I think your biggest problem is immaturity from the others. They may grow up a bit this year. I remember 16 being the age of sudden maturity (comparatively). Best of luck with it.

LadyMayBelle

OP, Im almost in tears.. she sounds like she's putting up with this crap at school and doesnt need to at all. Poor creatur, and its fantastic that you seem to be able to speak to her about some of it.

Bullying has to stop. The school has polices in place and needs a kick up the rear end. Its unacceptable, and I have seen far to many children's lives mucked up with it. It needs to stop, and it needs to highlighted. I understand you want to keep things open between ye too, which yes I can forsee difficulties; explain to her how bullying is a form of abuse, and no child should have to be subjected to it. Ask her how she would like things to be in school, and work together and ways and steps that perhaps can help ye get there, and hopefully that will include needing to stop the bullying.

Does the school have a counselling/support service? Someone there who can informally check in with your daughter, encouarge her, be a supportive person in the school grounds. Sometimes that can be massive; having that impartial, person there, who they can go to if needs be; You mention her Mum died a few years back, what a traumatic and devastating experience for anyone, but for a young teen, its almost unimaginable. Did she receive support from anyone then?

Someone else mentioned extracurriculr; is there any kind of drama group, or a course where she could meet new people her own age, separate from the bullies, and where she can start to be own own person again. She sounds like she's taken a bashing. Does she have any siblings, or a best friend OP?

Moonbeam

The poor thing:( have you thought about councilling for her? does she have a best friend?

meoklmrk91

Counselling sounds like it would be a good port of call, I would do it outside of the school, that way she can control who does and doesn't know as kids pick up on the stupidest of things to bull each other with. I was lucky in that I went to a school wher going to counselling was normal and more people went than not, it was never an issue.

She's obviously going through a really hard time and even if she doesn't seem to like the idea make sure that you tell her that you don't think there is anything wrong with her just that she has had such a hard time of it and you think it might be good to have someone to talk to.

As another poster said ask an cousin, aunt, friend any one who is female that she looks up to and likes talking to if they would consider asking her to do something, even if it was just to come over and help watch kids or help them with the grocery shopping.

When I was 16 anyone I socialised with was a good deal older than me, usually by atleast 10 years due to a difficult school situation, that was before I went to my other school, honestly I learned how to have seriously intelligent conversations and even though now I have lots of friends my own age I would find it easier to talk to older people as I find myself to have more of the same thoughts etc.

She sounds like she is very hung up on what other people in the school think of her and I don't blame her, she seems very vulnerable and well.... alone, it will do her good to have people outside of school in her life so she realises that there is more to life. Once she is in less of a vulnerable place maybe she will consider moving schools or even just getting some extra cirriculars in.

I really hope you find some sort of resolution, you and your daughter sound like you have had a really tough time of it and it would be nice if this was one less worry. Reminded me how amazingly cruel people can be to those we know who are so vulnerable.

Piliger

Hi OP. I really sympathise. My son is now 20 and we went through something very very similar a few years ago.

Firstly .. may I just say that there is almost no such thing as mild bullying. My son was ill for about three months on and off when he was about 14 with stomach issues, and we went to the doctor a few times. On one occasion he asked my son if he was being bullied .. he answered no. A few weeks later we found that he was being ostracised by his class .... it was bullying all right ... the WORST kind. He couldn't fight back and the school in Deansgrange did nothing. He didn't even know he was being bullied but it had been going on for months.

When I got absolutely nowhere with the school principle and assistant principle, I just woke up one morning and said to my then wife enough is enough I am not going to sit back and allow my son to endure this crap and misery every day in his young life - she agreed immediately. I took him our of school that day. He was out of school for many weeks but he stopped being sick and was so much happier.

Over the next few weeks I found someone who helped me get him into Newpark Comprehensive in Blackrock and when he got there settled in immediately and he started to recover and was very very happy. However it took him three years to really recover!

Please please remember a couple of things OP. Life is too precious to make a child go through this kind of awful misery every day, worried sick at night thinking about the next day, suffering misery all day at school and starting it all again when they get home. There is LOADS of time. My son had to start the year again in his new school. People throw their hands up at this sometimes but it doesn't matter ! one year older .... what does it matter. It actually benefits them because they will be more mature to deal with their class mates and the LC and College.

Of course if you followed this course of action you may find that she agrees or maybe doesn't agree at first, thinking it is a failure and it's her fault and not wanting to make new friends. Believe me after a few days in a new environment, starting afresh, in a school where the head master is totally on top of bullying .... she will start to recover.

cbyrd

Bullying is bullying no matter what form it's in.. I reckon you should seek professional help in the form of counselling. I'm going through this at the moment with my eldest girl and we're just starting the counselling. We had our first session last week and are going again tomorrow. It's harrowing and hard to listen to the effect bullying can have on your child. But it gives a great understanding of why they act they way they do..

The effect of her losing her mother at such a young age is devastating and most teenagers can't relate to how she feels and most will ignore her for fear of saying the wrong thing or upsetting her, don't ignore the fact that the teachers are there to help. I would absolutely contact the school as soon as possible. They need to know she is struggling, they need to know the situation in order to help her. Contact the school counselor too. Your daughter may not like the teachers knowing but in the long run both she and you will feel better knowing that something is being done.

Contact your GP firstly and get her on to the waiting list for help. It shouldn't take too long, we waited about 4 weeks for an appointment. You'll be surprised how much getting it out in the open will help.
Good luck

flutered

the grinds school works perfect, we had to go down that road,one of the teachers rang me at 8am one morning telling me that she wanted the kid out of her honours class, a nasty piece she was, the kid was actually kicked around the street by her peers things were that bad, what was worse teachers did not care, we were not of the trades ps etc, worth every cent for both us and the kid, it changed the kids life compleatly, the kid is now a vibrant person with an unreal job, the grinds school rock.

3ndahalfof6

Hi OP, I don't mean to be in your face here, but do you think you suffer from the same problems, do you think you daughter might be getting some fallout from you, in how you are feeling from your loss,

it sounds like your daughter is a strong person, she can decide what is a good move and what might be a bad move,

then maybe you need to help her, (it is possible it is you she does not want to let down, or feel left out in the cold)

while she is going through a rough time I feel she might be more worried about you, if you can, or if she allows you to, sit and talk to her, she needs to know you are OK and it is OK for her to be young,, tell her you know she needs to live her life, but most of all tell her that you love her more than anything in the world, ( which im sure you do every day),

it is not easy, but she is young, just love her as much as you can, she will be there to love you back unconditionally.

3ndahalfof6

Talk to her, not with words with your emotions.

3ndahalfof6

just see this is an old thread, I hope it worked out for the OP, keep safe.