Lies and dishonesty

LegacyUser

On the verge of a break up with my girlfriend, so I would really appreciate some objective advice.

Back in July, my GF used her Facebook on my phone. She left herself logged in and I saw, unintentionally, that she had sent and deleted a message to a guy friend. She denied deleting the message and said that it must have just disappeared. It seems pretty unlikely to me that Facebook would just allow a message to vanish. None of her other messages vanished in this way.

A few weeks ago, I found she had sent a message to another guy for his birthday. No problem. Except she deleted the message and I again found it by accident when using my own phone. She then denied it, and then admitted it but insisted it was no big deal. I then found out, that she had actually been sleeping with this guy for a while before our relationship began.

She actually lied to me when I first asked her if she had been with him. She eventually admitted the truth.

What would you do in my situation?

I have no problem with her being in touch with exes or whatever, but I have a major problem that she repeatedly lied about it. I'm not jealous of the exes at all, but I'm very worried by her ability to lie so easily.

I know what I should do, but I haven't the courage to do it and I guess I need an objective view.

Thanks

Ellsbells

How do you know she deleted messages if you weren't snooping?

LegacyUser

The second time, I was clearing the history on my phone when I found it.

I had been searching for a birthday present online and I knew she used my phone so I deleted the history in order to prevent the birthday surprise being ruined.

The first incident, she left herself logged in on facebook on her messages page. SO when I went to my facebook, it took me straight to her page.

I wasn't snooping.

HeyThereDeliah

The lies are what is bothering you and rightly so deleting two messages is a bit Suspicous and I can see why you are annoyed.
On the other hand she uses your phone and left herself logged on Fb so was she trying to hide anything at all?
She admits sleeping with him now so why did she lie?
These few things could be coincidence but being honest I would be a little worried about the lies.

LegacyUser

HeyThereDeliah wrote: »

The lies are what is bothering you and rightly so deleting two messages is a bit Suspicous and I can see why you are annoyed.
On the other hand she uses your phone and left herself logged on Fb so was she trying to hide anything at all?
She admits sleeping with him now so why did she lie?
These few things could be coincidence but being honest I would be a little worried about the lies.

Yes I agree.

If she had been upfront and just said 'yeah sometimes I'm in contact with exes' then I would feel fine about it. I'm not a control freak or anything close to it. I'm not in contact with exes but I can see why some people would keep in touch and I have no problem with it.

I don't think she has cheated on me at all.

But the lies and covering up make me deeply uncomfortable.

Yes she used my phone but she did go to the trouble of deleting the messages; I guess she didn't expect me to check the browsing history.

Normally I wouldn't; as I said, I just came across it by chance.

Thanks for the advice and also thanks for getting my point; the dishonesty is the crux of the issue here, not the contact with other guys.

Piliger

In my view OP, this girl feels that her relationship with ex's are none of your business and what she did before she dated you is also none of your business.
Now whether you agree is up to you. It seems to me that there is a major communications issue that is far more important than her not being open about her ex's.
Personally I think that what happens prior to a relationship is a person's personal business and each BF doesn't have a right to know 'everything'. It would be a far different thing if she habitually lied about things inside your own relationship.

LegacyUser

Piliger wrote: »

In my view OP, this girl feels that her relationship with ex's are none of your business and what she did before she dated you is also none of your business.
Now whether you agree is up to you. It seems to me that there is a major communications issue that is far more important than her not being open about her ex's.
Personally I think that what happens prior to a relationship is a person's personal business and each BF doesn't have a right to know 'everything'. It would be a far different thing if she habitually lied about things inside your own relationship.

I agree entirely.

However, do you not see how deleting messages and not giving honest answers can sow seeds of doubt and mistrust?

It would have been good enough for me if she had said 'yes I sent him a message, and yes, we were together, but theres nothing going on and I dont want to talk about it'.

She didn't do that though, she lied and said she didnt send a message. I have no problem with her past, I don't want to know about it. I just don't want it intruding into our relationship.

I have no desire to find out about her past.

Gooner111

Hey OP,

You may have plenty of reason but you appear to be snooping and untrusting here. Apolgies if I have taken it up wrong.

So you saw that she had sent a message to guy number 1 via facebook and deleted it. Don't you have to go to different pages on facebook to see sent messages and deleted messages? Then she texts guy number 2. You find out she had slept with guy number 2 before you got with her, not sure how you could find out other than asking other people? You then ask her about him and she denies it before eventually admitting it. To me it looks like your trying to catch her out on things and were snooping and non-trusting.

I suppose her lies could have been to how you asked about it all. Did you come across as jealous/angry/trying to catch her out? If all you asked was who is so and so and why were you chatting then I can't see why she would try cover up. Simple answer would be old friend / talk every now and again. Talk to her and ask her to explain why she lied and then tried to cover it up.

decmanning

There is no doubting here that her behaviour is deceitful, she obviously deleted those messages so that you wouldnt see them so she is hiding something from you, she also lied about sleeping with the 2nd man, although she later confessed i think it just shows that her gut instinct is to lie, personally i wouldnt trust a girl like this

HeyThereDeliah

unregguyneedshelp wrote: »

Yes I agree.

If she had been upfront and just said 'yeah sometimes I'm in contact with exes' then I would feel fine about it. I'm not a control freak or anything close to it. I'm not in contact with exes but I can see why some people would keep in touch and I have no problem with it.

I don't think she has cheated on me at all.

But the lies and covering up make me deeply uncomfortable.

Yes she used my phone but she did go to the trouble of deleting the messages; I guess she didn't expect me to check the browsing history.

Normally I wouldn't; as I said, I just came across it by chance.

Thanks for the advice and also thanks for getting my point; the dishonesty is the crux of the issue here, not the contact with other guys.

If someone lies about little things so easily it creates doubt in your mind about other things, this is natural I dont think you are the only person who would question this kind of behaviour.
You checked the browser history because you were suspicious whether you are conscious of this or not again you are not alone in this either,I think more people do this but would not admit to it.
I do get your point and trusting someone who has lied to you a few times is not easy and again being honest I'm not sure you can ever trust her totally. Sorry if im making an assumption there.