Irrational fears for nephew

LegacyUser

I have a two year old nephew (my first and only one). He has just started Montessori school (he was in playschool before that). I am constantly worrying that he's going to be bullied or shy (as I was). I just feel he's not going to have a happy youth, he is so innocent and helpless.
There's no evidence to suggest that he's going to be withdrawn or quiet as he has got on very well there on his first day. I suppose I just have a negative view on life in general.
I don't know why anyone would want to bring another human being into a world as messed up this one anyway. Don't get me wrong;I take a very responsible attitude to him; anytime I'm asked to babysit, collect him, I'm there no questions asked.
I just worry about what's going to happen to him that's all. Stupid I know (note the word "Irrational" in the title).
I suppose it's just because I didn't have an enjoyable childhood (in school at least) myself.

edellc

I dont know what your looking for off posters OP.

Yes your being totally irrational, as you say its your first nephew and you feel so much unconditional love for him that you dont want him to have the same experiences happen to him that happened to you and made you have such a negative outlook on life.

I'm sure his parents are of sound mind and have his best interests at heart and make the most rational decisions regarding his health and well being and if that is the case then whats your problem.

Yes there are people out there who have had a hard upbringing or bad social experiences, and probably everyone has at some stage or another, I know I have. But one thing that I have realised is that we have so many happy experiences in life that get over shadowed by the negative experiences and as hard as it is we shouldnt let these define who we become in adulthood, but this only comes with maturity.....we all go though the angst of the teenage years and insecure 20's so is life.

The child is still a baby and discovering his surroundings if you keep worrying about tomorrow you will never enjoy today so take a chill pill and enjoy the here and now as we all have no idea what will happen tomorrow, so stop dwelling on it

Ickle Magoo

gerry_40 wrote: »

...I don't know why anyone would want to bring another human being into a world as messed up this one anyway

Perhaps because they don't share your world view? For some the world has some pretty awful aspects of which becoming a parent will have no affect on/by and so it would make no sense to choose to be childless having experienced/enjoyed a fun and worthwhile childhood/life themselves.

I think this is really less about your nephew and more about you projecting your own anxieties onto your nephew, to the point you even acknowledge it's irrational. Would you consider seeing a counsellor to discuss how you feel? Having such an extreme reaction re the life of someone else's child that you have little to no control over is going to be tough going on your mental health, never mind if you end up with a heap of nieces and nephews.

All the best OP.

Ellsbells

OP you seem to have a particularily negative view of childhood and the world. You sound like a good uncle but the most important thing you can do is not transmit this viewpoint to your nephew. Hopefully this child will have a beautiful childhood and life and you need to ensure you dont portray life as hardship when hopefully he will never need to experience that.

LegacyUser

I think it's more that I worry about things I don't have control over. I empathise with people close to me too much. I remember one time he (my nephew) got a chest infection and had to spend a couple of nights in hospital. I started to cry (thankfully nobody saw me) even though it was a mild infection and he was grand in a few days.
If anything happened to him or my Mom,Dad or sister I think would go nuts. I wish I could be selfish like other people (it seems like most people are like that).
I realise more good things than bad things will happen to my nephew during his life (unless he is very unlucky). I just tend to be more pessimistic. If I see something on the news about a chilld dying or something terrible, I think to myself "Christ, what if that happens to him?".

Oryx

gerry_40 wrote: »

I have a two year old nephew (my first and only one). He has just started Montessori school (he was in playschool before that). I am constantly worrying that he's going to be bullied or shy (as I was). I just feel he's not going to have a happy youth, he is so innocent and helpless.

He is not you. You are not him. You seem to be transferring your own experiences and anxieties onto him, because you haven't yet made peace with your own troubled childhood. You can't (and shouldn't) control his life, but you can get help to resolve the issues within your own.

There's no evidence to suggest that he's going to be withdrawn or quiet as he has got on very well there on his first day. I suppose I just have a negative view on life in general.

As Ive said, this is not really about him at all, it is about you. This is your negativity, which you have to tackle.

I don't know why anyone would want to bring another human being into a world as messed up this one anyway.

Because it is our nature. Because people are optimistic. Because children bring hope, and because there is a heck of a lot of good in the world as well as bad.

Don't get me wrong;I take a very responsible attitude to him; anytime I'm asked to babysit, collect him, I'm there no questions asked.
I just worry about what's going to happen to him that's all. Stupid I know (note the word "Irrational" in the title).

The only irrational thing about it is that your fears for him are probably unwarranted. He is loved and cared for and will in all likelihood be just fine. Its good that you want the best for him, but there is such thing as caring too much, so you worry like this.

I suppose it's just because I didn't have an enjoyable childhood (in school at least) myself.

Thats the crux of the thing. History does not have to repeat itself, and one of the greatest safeguards to prevent this happening is him having concerned people around him who will spot issues before they turn into real problems, having been there themselves. Just dont become obsessed with his safety, all that does is drain you, with no benefit to him.

ongarboy

I agree with the earlier point made that you seem to be projecting your own fears and anxieties onto your nephew. I don't believe this is a healthy approach to take and could negatively influence your nephew the older he gets as you may try to over protect or moly coddle him in a belief that you are shielding him from the evils of the world. This issue really seems to be more about you and not your nephew.

The fact you question why anyone would bring a human being into the world suggests a very defeatist, negative and rather unhealthy attitude to have and I would also recommend you seek counselling to address those issues. I along with many more also have had difficult childhoods (and I admit I do sometimes think about and pray that my nieces/nephews do not ever experience an iota of some of the difficulties I faced). But, because as an adult I am a lot more happy and confident in myself and for the most part overcome my demons, I now view life as a wonderful gift and place and celebrate that my loved ones of the next generation also have the opportunity to avail of what's best in life (as well as the priceless pleasure they give me, my siblings and my parents).

Yes, I am also aware that there are dangers and evils but not enough that I ache for the future of the next generation of loved ones. I would hope that any counselling you avail of would help you feel and embrace the power of the positives which hopefully would outweigh/negate the invariable negatives that life sometimes throws at us all.

Ellsbells

Why do you think most people are selfish???

Do you have a life outside if your family I.e. Friends, relationship, sports???

LegacyUser

Ellsbells wrote: »

Why do you think most people are selfish???

It's just what I see; most people just want to focus on their own needs

Ellsbells wrote: »

Do you have a life outside if your family I.e. Friends, relationship, sports???

A few friends, I don't have a girlfriend, I keep fit by running, I am a big GAA fan.

flowerchild

Trust yourself. If he is a little different help him know what bullying is and how to respond. Help him learn how to cope if he is hassled (which will happen in small ways). Don't fix it up for him. It is the skill of responding to someone trying it on that he needs to develop.

As icing on the cake I have enrolled my two little ones in taekwondo. I figure if someone wants to try to bully them when they hit high school, they'll be better off responding as black belts. And it has already paid dividends.

Ellsbells

gerry_40 wrote: »

It's just what I see; most people just want to focus on their own needs.

or maybe they have to?

edellc

everyone focus's on their own needs first its called survival, its how humans are where they are today :rolleyes: why you think that everyone should put their own needs second to someone else's is beyond me, that is not how any of the animal kingdom works and to suggest such a thing shows how nieve you are.

You need to stop projecting this negative outlook on life on your nephew as even kids as young as he is can sense this and can be affected by it, and where as he may or may not have negatives experiences in life you are definitely not helping and may even cause such things that you dread for him. You sound like you need to speak to someone yourself before you let this negative attitude effect the rest of your life and those around you.

looksee

gerry_40 wrote: »

I think it's more that I worry about things I don't have control over. I empathise with people close to me too much. I remember one time he (my nephew) got a chest infection and had to spend a couple of nights in hospital. I started to cry (thankfully nobody saw me) even though it was a mild infection and he was grand in a few days.
If anything happened to him or my Mom,Dad or sister I think would go nuts. I wish I could be selfish like other people (it seems like most people are like that).
I realise more good things than bad things will happen to my nephew during his life (unless he is very unlucky). I just tend to be more pessimistic. If I see something on the news about a chilld dying or something terrible, I think to myself "Christ, what if that happens to him?".

Can you consider the possibility that you are the selfish one OP? You are utterly preoccupied with how you feel. It is well within your power to be a happy, carefree element in his life, his parents have the overwhelming responsibility for being responsible for him! You could be the person that in future he looks back and says - my uncle was great fun, rather than him saying - I didn't really have a lot to do with my uncle, he always seemed so worried and sad.

wylo

OP you're just projecting. You are basically seeing your own crap through other people, even though they have a completely different outlook on life.
Everyone does it actually, just to different degrees.

You need to forget about them and start working on your own well being. I mean genuine well being, not keeping fit, but rather, learn the importance of happiness and find a way to get there.

LegacyUser

Some harsh words there but also truthful words if I am honest. I don't project a negative outlook onto him as someone suggested.
I resolve to try and bring some happiness into his life; something like taking him to big games in The Aviva when he is old enough. I've also signed up for an evening course in well-being as it might help me to deal with my negativity.
Thanks for the replies.

Daisy M

gerry_40 wrote: »

Some harsh words there but also truthful words if I am honest. I don't project a negative outlook onto him as someone suggested.
I resolve to try and bring some happiness into his life; something like taking him to big games in The Aviva when he is old enough. I've also signed up for an evening course in well-being as it might help me to deal with my negativity.
Thanks for the replies.

It sounds as though your nephew is one lucky boy to have such a caring uncle.
You have to find a way to put your fears aside, worrying changes nothing, if something negative happens deal with it and move on. Concentrate on enjoying this little fellow and the relationship you have with him and assure yourself you will be there for him if and when he needs you, you are no good to him if you allow yourself to be eaten up with anxiety.

will.i.am

Hi! I experienced a lot of bullying in primary and secondary school and even in junior infants. I know you are scared for your nephew starting Montessori school but hopeful he has friends from playschool made all ready. Does he ever have friends over at his parents house. I was never able to have a friend over to my house so I never really got to know people outside of school until I was about 16. I sorted of blamed this for me not really making friends with people.
Do you see your nephew often? Maybe you could collect him from Montessori school one day a week and bring him for a threat. This would allow you to have a chat with him and ask him who he is friends with and you can ask him is there ever anyone mean to him. There probably isn't. So, don't be worried.

wylo

gerry_40 wrote: »

Some harsh words there but also truthful words if I am honest. I don't project a negative outlook onto him as someone suggested.
I resolve to try and bring some happiness into his life; something like taking him to big games in The Aviva when he is old enough. I've also signed up for an evening course in well-being as it might help me to deal with my negativity.
Thanks for the replies.

Hi Gerry , Im not sure what the others mean by projecting, but what I mean by projecting isnt how it sounds. Ive no doubt that you treat him extremely well and care alot, which is fantastic btw.

What I mean by projecting is you are assuming that other people are thinking, reacting, behaving, and living a certain way because you do. You are basically not owning your own issues, and are assuming other people have the same issues as you, whereas their experience of the world may be polar opposite. He may be a happy kid who will no problems making friends, but you are assuming otherwise, hence projecting your own views, and as a result seeing yourself through other people, even the other people have nothing to do with your issues.

Wandsworth

There are bullies in every walk of life, and not just at school, and he wil com up against bullies many times over his life, as we all do.

A good lesson you could teach your nephew is how to cope with and deal with bullies in a way where he wont let himself be bullied, and ensure he doesn't suffer as you say you did.

edellc

Wandsworth wrote: »

There are bullies in every walk of life, and not just at school, and he wil com up against bullies many times over his life, as we all do.

A good lesson you could teach your nephew is how to cope with and deal with bullies in a way where he wont let himself be bullied, and ensure he doesn't suffer as you say you did.

thats all well and good, but at that age the word bully shouldn't even enter the child's vocabulary as kids that age are not bullies they are still learning social skills and how to share, and when they dont get what they want most of them hit out its called being 3yrs of age.

I think making a child aware of the word bully and what it means may create a fear which really shouldnt be there, however if a child hasnt learned that hitting is wrong when they enter primary school then the term "bully" may be used to describe them, but IMO Montessori is way to young for the term bully.

Also OP my use of the word projecting your negativity is in relation to your own fears of the world and peoples mental train of taught and how they treat each other. Yes you have had negative experiences and from your posts I get the impression you think most people have the same outlook as your bullies with is just not the case, so if you are with your nephew your actions when dealing with strangers (who you think have the same mentality as your bullies - as every one is selfish, your words not mine) can be picked up by him, children are very aware of body language and yours may be negative when dealing with others (not your nephew) and this is what you may be projecting on your nephew.

I do think your negative attitude and outlook is hindering you though as if you can not understand what is being said in a direct way on boards then I can only imagine how you perceive people in a face to face way. Please speak to someone as life is not all doom and gloom (which I know you know as you have that shinning light that is your nephew) now you need to start noticing the vibrant colours of life rather than just the blacks and greys.

Best of luck OP, your nephew will be fine he clearly has a family around that love him and the potential of a great uncle so stop the doom and gloom and get down to his level and see the excitement and adventure

LegacyUser

Hi Gerry. I'm single, childless and have a little nephew I'm crazy about as well. As I read through your post, I just thought "Jesus, he's intense". I'm not attacking you but I wonder are your somewhat extreme feelings for your nephew filling some sort of void in your life? When it comes down to it, your nephew isn't actually your kid.

As for your nephew himself, the only way he's ever going to make his way through life is to be exposed to the bad as well as the good. I certainly hope he doesn't get bullied in playschool or big school but it's up to his parents to monitor that. The most important thing in any child-parent relationship is to communicate well and deal with things as they happen. Bear in mind that most children go through the system without having the bad experiences you had. Don't bring your nephew down by stifling him and projecting your own fears onto him.