Love Struck and Confused

cd1990

Right im sorry in advance this is a long story but its all relevant!.

Last year I met a girl she lived in the apartment next door. we became close friends and as she was going out with someone that was fine however over time (8-10 weeks) i realised i was stone mad about the girl couldnt get her out of my head. we would text all the time morning and night go to dinner, study, talk go out everything. I told her how i felt that i was mad about her but this was in March and since i moved to the states in June and am currently still here i told her i wasnt looking for anything just had to tell her how i felt. we had a few drunken conversations about the problem and by all accounts she felt the same way we blamed timing etc...
through this time march till i left we grew even closer. Stayed up all night watching films she would stay over we actually use to fall asleep and sleep together (nothing happened, i think i like the girl more for that) everyone thought we were going out her bestfriend use to give out to her about it her other housemates thought she was cheating her friend tried to turn me against her by telling me shes playing with my mind i could do better etc..
None of this mattered, i was and still am stone mad about the girl, when i was going away i had a going away party again she was there for a few days before and a few days after.
Since iv been gone we are still very close like my housemates here are convinced we are going out as we talk so much. I get random texts saying how much she misses me and cant wait till im home. TBH iv spent all my time here thinking about her. She never really talks to me about her boyfriend although when she does mention him she seems to get a bit awkward (maybe this is just my imagination) iv met the guy before and she definitely found that strange she changed completely when her was there went from been a complete extrovert to a incredible introvert. This girl is the kindest most considerate and most gentle person you could ever imagine. I know she is friendly to everyone and sometimes i wonder is it the same with me, her friend tells me no its different with me. But since iv been here i do wonder sometimes has she "gotten over" me and is she just been her usual kind considerate self like she is with all people.

Now you have the details my question. I go home in a few weeks and i am def going to spend a few days with her but i dont know if i can face not telling her im still stone mad about her. i thought my time away would diminish my feelings but it hasn't. When i told her originally how i felt she was clearly struggling to respond and i did not want to put her in a position she did not deserve to be in. She wanted to explain but was getting emotional so i said and i quote "hey, its ok you dont have to say anything i understand"
I dont think i can take another response where she is also mad about me but again as she is still with the other guy and i am only home for a week before going away again nothing will happen. Also, i dont UNDERSTAND

If i tell her i need a response of either. im not interested now or ever, or, yes lets work something out.

I try to pretend i can cope with believing she likes me and perhaps when im finished traveling something can happen. but i feel i need to know now and not believe.

I am sorry for the long winded and rambling post but please! (as you can tell im desperate)

Also, it has crossed my mind to just send her a link to this post and say no more but i think that is lacking a bit in balls.

regards,
CD1990

Piliger

Hi OP. I really do sympathise with your predicament. It so sucks.

But the key thing about this situation, imho, is that you are not available for her EVEN IF she wants you !

Leave aside all the what-ifs .... leave aside the BF and all the confusion. Look at it from her side. She is here. She is getting on with her life and has a BF. You are away - gone - not in her life. Just because you are dropping in for a couple of weeks doesn't mean you are back.

In my view you have no choice. You cannot mess around with her life just because you are visiting home. How long will you be away ? another 6 months? a year? two ? You cannot parachute back in to her life and cause untold confusion and upset for her and then wing it away again. It's not fair.

When you get back for good ...... that's when you can tackle this issue. Not before. It's just not practical or fair to her.

I know this is not what you want to hear but I cannot believe you don't already know this. I know it's painful. I can relate to you from a time in my life a long time ago.

You need to come home, stay focussed on being nice and friendly and positive and go back and live your life. If you really want to, then when you get back abroad, let her know very briefly that nothing has changed for you, but you realise that you are not there for her but when you do come home, if she's free you remain deeply interested. But don't do it in a maudlin, emotional, highly charged way. And then .... get on with YOUR life for the time you are away.

cd1990

thanks guys any other advice is also welcome.

Ellsbells

She has a bf so let her be

Big Bag of Chips

Of course she changed around you when her bf was there, because, in my opinion - and it would seem hers - the way she acts around you is inappropriate for someone who has a bf. She could hardly be as 'friendly' with you in front of him, as she is when he's not around.

Has she told him how close you are? That you stay up all night watching films? That you have slept in the same bed together? I'd guess she hasn't.

You are not in control of this situation... she is. It's not up to you to decide if you should be with her, its up to her to finish with her bf and decide to be with you instead.

The fact that she hasn't done that makes me think she's not going to do that... Not yet anyway.

I wouldn't bother telling her you are mad about her... She knows. I get the impression she likes the attention you give her. All her friends have said as much.

She has had plenty time to finish with her bf if she really wanted to. She obviously likes going out with him, and the attention she gets from you.

ManOfMystery

3 major problems here. All of which can be dealt with in a logical manner to give you some conclusion. Maybe not the conclusion you want, but certainly enough to enable you to move on from this situation.

First off - does she feel the same way about you as you do about her? Because if she doesn't, there is absolutely no point in pursuing this any further. And the only way you're going to find out how she feels - honestly - is to ask her. Make it clear that you're not asking her to commit to you, or break up with her boyfriend, and don't put pressure on her. Just ask her, in a perfect world and free of any other commitments, would she want to be with you or are all the feelings on your side only?

Secondly - if she does turn round and say yes, she'd like to be with you ..................... what are you going to do about it? Come home from USA to be with her? Because if not, then there's not really any point in pursuing it either. Some people may suggest a long distance relationship but I get the feeling that after hanging out together so much as friends, you're going to to need something more than Skype if you're going to embark on a new relationship and and take things to a different level.

Third but not last - if she says yes, she'd like to be with you ................... where does that leave her bf? Is she prepared to leave him? Because if not, then again there's no point in pursuing this.

These are the things you need to know, and only by talking to her seriously will you get your answers. And one way or another - with or without her - you need to move forward so you're not spending all your time in this bubble waiting for a magical relationship to start between you and her. I don't know what age you are but since you mentioned housemates & studying, I'm going to assume you're likely a young guy. And on that basis, if this girl doesn't tell you what you want to hear, go out and enjoy yourself anyway - many people would love to be young, free and single having moved to somewhere like USA - make the most of it

cd1990

Ok thanks guys. Some really solid advice. Still no game plan though really. I accept most of what ye say but the problem still remains. Just some details ye were missing im 23, and I'm not sure how much the bf knows she doesn't tend to talk about him.

I really want to either that nothing is going to happen and in that case I'm going to have to try get over the girl or maybe she says you know what when your finished travelling lets give it a go and see. Is this a fair thing to ask? (that's all I'm asking for I don't expect her to down tools say yes and book a flight to the USA) I just want to know that when this is over do we have a chance.

I know she is interested in me aswel that is not the question the question is is it fair to say to her " listen ** over the summer I felt etc etc and would you be interested in seeing if something would work when I get home or do you think that could work ?" .. If she says no fine iv to get over her but I'd she says yes it could work.

I don't want to leave it to chance I have genuinely never felt this way before about someone i can't do nothing.

I know it's not fair on her I'm not at home but I left for work I had no choice.

A Cairde.