Relationship after betrayal

LegacyUser

Hi all, I will try to make this quick but bear with me if i ramble on a bit.

I was in a long term relationshipwith a man who was the father of my child.Things werent perfect- there were fights re cleaning,money etc. but on the whole it was a loving commited relationship.

One day out of the blue he called it all off.Was unhappy in the relationship and wanted out. fair enough if he felt that way, however the break up was extremely messy and he was extremely hurtful- I wont go into how but it wasnt done in a respectful manner (and before you start thinking no break up is easy- thats true but he went about it allin a very cruel manner). I honestly feel he strung me along during the break up- saying things like 'i see us getting back together, i cant lose you' etc. however two mins later he'd be telling me he no longer loved me etc. so i kept hope and didnt give up on us. stayed faithful etc. which i believe was his reasoning for leading me on- to make sure i didnt move on- keeping me as an option i guess.

so i found out he had been living quite the single/no responsibilities lifestyle and sleeping with other girls and the hurt was unbearable so i decided to accept the relationship was over. however he decided he had made a mistake and wanted us to try again. at that time i had been so strong in finally accepting the end of us (which took a long time to do) that i decided not to try again as the hurt was too great and the betrayal too much.

i started seeing someone else- purely rebound/wanting to prove to myself i could etc.
he took this badly and we didnt speak. one day we got talking again and instantly knew we wanted to try again. however in the mean time ive discovered he has been with quite a number of women. which i understand was fair game considering i was seeing someone else and we were over but it is still hard to take.

i find myself really resenting him for putting me through what he did. for breaking the trust and respect we had for each other and not being faithful (yes he officially ended it but after so long together its as bad as cheating in my eyes-just my feelings/opinion). he resents me for seeing another person when he realised he wanted to try again but this only angers me as he was the one who decided to make me single. he chose to end what we had and he knew him sleeping with someone else was a deal breaker yet he still did it so that was my 'go ahead' for want of a better word.

i constantly remind him of what he did. i constantly make sarcastic remarks about it. i try not to but im still bitter no matter how much i try. he, for the most part is great in letting me do this however he is still hurt about me seeing someone. and as much as i am very sorry i ever did, in my heart i feel that its his fault i was in a position to do this. he knew the dealbreaker and made a conscious decision to do it, what was i supposed to do, wait around for him to want me again?

the trust i had in him was completely broken so we made a promise to not have any more lies and to be honest with each other from now on. after this i found out he lied about something quite significant. he did it to keep me from hurting but by doing so he has betrayed any little bit of trust I have offered to him.

i have left out alot but if i went on it'd be way too long so thats the jist of it. i guess i just want some honest unbiased opinions on what to do. i guess only i can decide that but maybe some insight might help i dunno.

thanks.

Vicxas

My advice, you both need to walk away as any attempt at a reconciliation at this stage would end in disaster. You are both still hurting from the break up and the aftermath.

Both of you are angry over things you really shouldnt be, as you were both single. But I understand it is very difficult to see someone you cared so much about sleep around or start a new relationship.

I would make a clean break from him for a while. No contact and when you think back on what he did and not want to smash plates or cry then maybe you two can reconcile.

Ellsbells

Op why does he want to get back together? Has he explained his actions?

Gooner111

Hey OP.

So he ended things and then was giving you mixed signals. I think your wrong about him stringing you along given that he asked you to get back. He may have been confused on what he wanted because from what you've described he doesn't seem like an intentionally cruel person. I reckon when ending things he might have had a bit of the grass is greener on the other side type thing given how quickly he attempted to move on. After a few girls he cops on and realises he made a huge mistake - just guessing here!!

I don't buy the he is at fault for you seeing someone else. You state you rejected his attempt to get you back and then choose to get yourself a rebound guy (did this guy know he was being used?). Yes can argue that if he hadn't broken up with you in the first place it wouldn't have happened but your actions after the break up are yours alone.

Obviously it is very hard and difficult to cope with the hurt he caused you. That needs to be dealt with before you two can really make a go of things. He has caused you alot of pain and hurt but constantly bringing it up isn't helpful if all it leads to are arguments. You need to talk about it, work out why it all happened and try work out how to deal with it. I'd suggest councilling - individual and couples. Making things work will require effort and forgiveness (more from your side) by both of you - assuming you's want it to work out.

Piliger

Hi OP.

No relationship can survive that kind of ghastly and messy break up unless both partners were to be able to draw a clear blue line and let the past be the past ... and change their core behaviour. Only a few people are capable of that.

It is clear that neither of you is remotely capable of either of these things - perhaps for good reason, perhaps not, it makes no difference.

My advice is that this is a relationship gone beyond fixing and that both of you should move forward and take what you have learned and start a new happy relationship with someone new where you can both be really happy. After all isn't the whole point ?

Best of luck.