Should I move home to Ireland?

LegacyUser

Hi all,
I've posted anon about a few issues before so I'm hoping some can offer some advice on this one.

I live and work in the US and have done for 3 years now.

When I first arrived it was a huge new adventure, had a great job coming here and looking at building a massive future for myself.

3 years on I'm trying to figure out where I'm going.

The Positives:
I still have a great job. I'm paid well enough and there is lots of room for growth.
I'm really lucky to have my own car, apartment, don't really want for a lot.
I love the weather here compared to home.
I love the city I'm in.
I love going to concerts, sports events, and all sorts of things I can do here that I can't do at home.

The negatives:
I've had 2 relationships while I was here, both seemed to be going somewhere then ended in disaster.
I've also fallen out with some Irish friends while here.
The sum of this has made me feel horribly alone. I miss my family and my friends from home now.
I feel myself desperate for company.
I know I'd find work if I went home but not really sure what or how great it would be.


I'm just feeling desperately alone and seeking company. I am left with no real friends here. And while in both relationships, I was hoping I could continue to see those girls and saw myself building a life here.

But since it's all ended I'm looking at where my future is. I'm turning 28 in 2 weeks. I'm trying to figure out if it's worth sticking it out for another few years and seeing if I can find new friends and someone to spend my life with and build a future here.
I'm also afraid if I do start again and fail, I'll feel horrible back in this state heading for 30.

At the same time. I love the live I could have here, and want to stay. I just feel that if I'm always alone, maybe I should just go back home and pick up my life there, maybe meet someone back home might take it more seriously then me being a temporary boyfriend because I'm foreign and I'd have family and friends to be around.

Sorry, this is a bit of a brain dump. I hope some people can advise.

Thanks!

Daisy M

I think this decision needs more time. My advice would be to set a time limit maybe 6 months or a year and in that time work on achieveing the life you would like. Concentrate on building relationships but this time be more selective. You have had 2 relationships and some friendships that have ended badly either you are not choosing the people you surround yourself with wisely or you are to blame, either way work on this.

28 is young I know you don't think so but it is young, you have lots of time and are in no rush to make knee jerk decisions.

gigawatt2007

Hi OP, I made a similar decision about 7 years ago when living in the UK. Met a girl I thought was 'The One' and we moved back home together. Both of us were in great jobs but we were both very homesick.

Belive me the grass is always greener, when we came home we lived in Dublin and immediately hated it. We expected it to be constant nights-out with gangs of mates, re-kindling old friendships and getting back closer to family.

What you have to realise is that everyone moved on while you were away. You're at an age when people starting meeting their life-partners and begin to drift away from their weekend firends, focusing on a more home based lifestyle.

That's on the personal side, on the economic side if you can find work it's not a bad time to come home, property's cheap and despite all the bad press people are so sick of hearing about recession we just get on with it. It is expensive to live here.

Personally with your work setup and the fact you're probably feeling a bit down about the failed relationships, I'd wait till Xmas and see how feel then.

Plus the weather here is sh'te, don't under-estimate the difference waking up in the sunshine makes.

Whatever decision you make, you're in a good place - you're not being forced to move and you have work.

candyplanner

Ultimately the final decision is yours but here is my two cents worth ….the grass is no way greener on the other side , I think you would be bonkers to leave a city that you love that also happens to have nice weather( have you been home lately ? because the weather alone would put you on the next plane ). Your heart is probably just a little bit dented at the moment so don’t make any life changing decisions based on that, also the streets are not lined with single people waiting for “the one” . You are only 28 …go any enjoy your life and do some crazy stuff while you are free and single

ongarboy

I agree with the other posters and give yourself a timeframe of another 6 or maybe 12 months to give it a thorough analysis and if you still feel as strongly about moving home then, then go for it. You may still be feeling a little raw after the break ups or recent fall out with friends so it's best not to rush into a big life change with emotional type factors influencing your decision . Maybe in the next few months you might be able to make new friends which may change your perspective.

28 is certainly not too old. I'm 37 and am leaving my job of 13 years to embark on something completely different. I'm a little scared and nervous but also excited. My age actually reinforced me to do it as the older I get, the more aware I am that I have only one life and it is too short to remain in something you do not have passion for. Saying that, it took me about 3 years to bite the bullet and make the change so I did not rush my decision. Good luck in whatever you choose to do!

thefeatheredcat

I'd be very reluctant to advise you to move at all....without dealing with the issue of loneliness first, because it could happen that you could pack in your job and your life in the US, move back to Ireland and still feel lonely.

As already said, your friends here will probably have moved on. You could come back and find that to be the case and you'll be even lonelier, kicking yourself for having moved back here and having to start from scratch again.

I'd advise that you address the feeling of loneliness that you feel in the US and stay put and continue building the life you want there; you have a lot going for you there including a great job and social outlets that you may not have here at all which give you more opportunity to meet people.

I think if you tackle the issue of you feeling lonely, not having close friends around I think it would make the world of difference for you as perhaps then you wouldn't be feeling like coming back. It's a challenge but you will make new friends and form close bonds with people if you give yourself the chance.

Another reason why I'd ask you to reconsider and giving yourself more time is even though you're confident about getting a job here, don't move unless you have a confirmed contract with a company for the simple reason that if you move back and struggle to find work, you may not be eligible for social welfare because of the habitual residency condition (worth looking up about for reference anyway in SW site search for SW 108 on their site) which I think is still an issue that is a bit sticky.

But the worst is that you could be without a job, eating away at savings, still feeling lonely and perhaps in a worse off situation than you are in now. I'm not saying that you won't find a job but that if you have the expectation of coming back and finding work quickly, yes that could and probably would happen, but it's not guaranteed. In any case with having found work, would you really be happier here long term? Would you still be able to build the life you want in the way you want it for yourself?

I'd definitely encourage you to give more thought and try to address the problem of loneliness from where you are first because once that is dealt with you could be feeling very different about moving.

Have you made any plans to visit? If not, do! You will have something to look forward to and take that time to view from the point of finding out for yourself if the grass really is greener for you back home and if you have better prospects. Visiting is one thing, coming back to live is another, as while people will make the effort when you visit, you could end up finding the case that if you moved, it's not the same.

EDIT to add:
On a side note, you mention your Birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and right now you're feeling lonely. I've spent a few Birthdays on my own with nobody to celebrate with and only a handful of texts, emails, ecards and calls from family and a few friends, sometimes a few greetings from work colleagues. Don't let that get you down that you've nobody special or close to enjoy it with. Embrace the kindness and well wishers and enjoy that, but I would say plan something fun for yourself, do something that maybe you've wanted to do like an activity weekend or visit somewhere, you know just so that it gives the day meaning for you and proves something meaningful that you did in years to come. Do anything but sit at home feeling lonely, you'll be much better off taking the opportunity to do something quite different and fun for yourself, treating yourself to something you enjoy or have always wanted to do.

JustAThought

OP

I'm sorry that your a bit lost.
Things will get better.

Re moving home; there are 400,000 people on the dole ; for qualified people there are hiring freezes everywhere , even with great experience & qualifications it can be nearly impossible, companies have stopped even replying to applications ( if you havn't heard by X your not called for interview), & mostly still there are embargos on hiring in the public sector with 100 million of extra cuts for jobs announced last week. Yes; cuts.

As someone who has been out of the country for 2+ years you will not be " entitled" to anything dole-wise.

Plus, it's raining night & day, everyone is depressed, taxes are running to 50% of your income , and at the rate of exchange between the US and Euro you will automatically loose 30% of your savings ( let alone flights, set-up deposits , months rent & living) before you even start looming for work here.


You might be on low times; and the comparison between now & student days is hard; but believe me it will not be the same : (

When you' re home for Christmas or Weddings, everyone us in great form & all positive, but people change, move on, stay at home more. & the Craic you remember will not be the same if you move back.

It sounds like " apart" from things being lonely things are relatively good. Why not build on your successes?
Everyone is blue when rationships fail. Have you tried skyping your family & friends here ; its free, you don't have to worry about costs& you can build on old friendships this way, have a bit of company & get a vibe for how things are.

There's also a great social networking site ( worldwide) designed for people who have moved or who are away through work or migration from their circle of friends ; it's called meetup.com and I used it when I was away & it was great for just getting out when you have no-one to call, and expanding your options and growing a circle of new people who you can link up with & do things. Definately check this out for social fun stuff.

There's also online dating; I'm sure they have this in the US ; again; it cuts to the root of hbe issue directly & allows you to meet & have access to meeting lots of new people without an " intro".

I'm loth to suggest the ex-pat community but there are Irish clubs in many cities in the us; my brothers in one in the US & they do lodes of GAA, Irish sport nights ( drinking) & other activities ( singing Furey Brother songs & drinking) - but it's something if you're really blue & stuck. & you can meet people who " understand" & have been there.
I'd try meetup.com first ; much more diverse, gets you into the US community rather than an ex-pat one, & much more diverse options & people. And it's usually free!!

Don't be too down. We all go through lonely patches & can be down. That can happen here too after you' ve given up everything you love!!!
Try & find ways to expand your circle & the good will follow; team sports are great for getting involved quickly , or a structured course one night a week where you will meet new people & get out, or volunteering somewhere young & upbeat one day a week....

Don't give up on all you have !!
Things will improve.

( & happy birthday soon!!)

godfrey

If you can at all manage it, stay long enough (5 yrs) to be entitled to apply for citizenship. You'll then have the option for the rest of your life. I didn't and it's my biggest regret ever.

g

tinkerbell

OP, like the others have said - stay where you are. You are in the US? What a great country - the weather is great, you get better value for your money, and such a diverse country with tons of things to see and do. You would be mad to move back to this dreary place. Ireland is no fun whatsoever. All it is is doom, gloom - all the media talk about is tax, budgets, social welfare, etc. It is constant doom & gloom.

Moving because you are lonely would be mad - you would probably be lonely over here too because like others have said, friends move on. I know a person who came back from a few years away and they drove everyone crazy wanting to meet up all the time once they got back, not realising that life does go on once somebody has moved away. So if you did come back, you might not necessarily get people making plans to see you every day if that's what you're looking for.

As far as I can see, there are no Cons in your Pros/Cons list. Friends fall out all the time, that happens over the cycle of friendship. Usually you can count on one or two hands your true friends. If you were back in Ireland, you probably would have fallen out with them - just because you are in a different location, doesn't mean it would have turned out differently. Same with your relationships ending - they didn't work out. You have to pick yourself up and move on.

Be positive - you have everything going for you. You have a great job, you are paid well, there's lots of room for you to advance your career and you're not stuck in a rut with your job, you have a car, apartment, you love the city and you can do lots of things which you can't do here. Just because you don't have a boyfriend right now, doesn't mean it's the be all and end all for you. You will meet someone else. Perhaps you also need to expand your group of friends or else if you want to, make amends with your old friends who you have fallen out with.

I would definitely be saying though - don't come back home, Ireland is miserable right now.

LegacyUser

I would like to offer another perspective on this. I was also living and working in another country for years. At first I was very happy and loved it as well as being in a serious relationship. I even fell pregnant (although sadly I lost the baby) but saw my future there. After a few years I started to really want to come home. Even though my partner was a good person I just felt like we didnt really gel with coming from different countries, he didnt really get me or my intrinsic values. I had friends there but longed for that closeness you get when youve grown up with someone. I had a good steady job but I knew it was time to come home and my relationship had broken up too because essentially it didnt feel right, I didnt feel like I could commit to someone when I wanted to return to Ireland.

Everyone told me I was mad, I told myself I was mad but I did it. Admittedly, I was unemployed for a few months and it was HARD but now I have my dream job, I see my friends all the time, I'm around my family which I always wanted and I met a wonderful person who I'm engaged to. In short, everything I always felt was missing when I was abroad has happened for me since I've come home. Yes, it's been hard. Yes, I did think in the early days about going back to the country I came from but I can honestly say 100% it has been worth it. I still walk down the streets of Dublin or look over to the sea and mountains and feel very grateful that Im here.

Its not for everyone (coming home) but dont listen to anyone else, do what YOU want. I always found it bemusing that the people who used to tell me not to come home where the ones who were settled down and in great jobs while I was miserable being abroad. I am so glad I took the chance and came back. I think its like everything in life - if you want it badly enough and you keep a positive outlook and work hard for it, it can happen.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

Chi

Hi,
Just checking in to see how the original poster is doing. I have the same feelings of homesickness. I am seriously considering a move back to the old sod. It's great here in the US, especially in CA where I live, but home is home and the heart wants what it wants.
I am about to apply for citizenship. As a previous poster said if you can get this under your belt you absolutely should. I would not consider moving home without it.
I have young children so I have to think of them and the kind of experiences they will have. Most specifically I am referring to the fact that they will grow up without any extended family nearby.
To the OP - it sounds like you have a lot of really wonderful options available. This is both a privilege and a bit of a head wrecker. If you can avail of citizenship go for it. If you can afford to get to Ireland for regular trips do that too. I would recommend that you secure your options as best you can. 28 is young and you should be proud of all that you have achieved so far.
Stay positive and work hard and the ladies will come knocking too
Best of luck

Taltos

Chi - welcome to PI.
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Thanks
Taltos