How to stop loving someone..

LegacyUser

There is no real story, I spent 3 years with a girl and loved her so much. I gave her everything I could and made every sacrifice anyone could to keep her happy, she never let on or gave me any indication that things were not working out, and then she left. Stone cold, clean break, no explanation just gone. We never had an argument and I never once said a bad word to her, actually she went through some health problems and I always made sure to be there for her in the most supportive way possible.

Now in one sense I understand that this might be the best way for it to happen, it was not messy or convoluted. It was just over.

But none of that really helps me, I still love her, I love her so much and always have.

Time has not changed anything, just left me hurting as I just love someone I don't know and cant talk to or be with.

I though maybe time would heal some scars, but its starting to just feel like a scar that I am just going to have to live with, same pain same hurt everyday.

I hate love ..

Curlyhatescurls

How long has it been since you broke up? You say time hasn't healed anything, so I am interested to find out how much time has passed. When people say time heals, they don't mean that you just sit there and wait for time to pass and your love and grief fades. You have to do a lot of thinking and work on yourself also.
Do you feel like you never got to say the things you wanted to say when she broke up with you? When she broke up did she give you any reason- did she say that you were just too different, that she didn't feel the same way about you, what? Because she broke up with you for a reason, she didn't want to be with you. And as crushing as that is, the fact is, the love wasn't there on her part. And you need to address that- you deserve someone who loves you and wants to be with you.

Piliger

Hi OP. a very painful thing I agree. Clearly your love was not reciprocated and many of us can empathise with our own experience of that.

In my experience you will never 'stop' loving her. The love will fade with time and involvement with activities, work and your friends. Your love will then find a place in your heart where it will remain, but in context. In the future you will look back with a mixture of sadness and fondness at the wonderful times you spent together - but you will be able to get on with living your life instead of dwelling on it.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

6 months since she left, since then I'v met some really girls but just couldn't commit to anything because deep down in the back of my mind I couldn't get her out of it. I'v been out and about keeping busy and trying to keep things in perspective but still any time things get quite my mind only wanders one direction...

Yeah I actually did not get a chance to say a lot of things I know I should have, I'm a very pragmatic person and I don't think I would even want to be in a relationship where my feeling are not reciprocated.

The thing is a adjusted my goals and really changed they way I went about things to accommodate a life with here, worked my ass off to try put myself in a position to provide for her and made a lot of compromises in my attitude and views to accommodate her.

All she said was I need some space... end of .. maybe its the way that it happened that makes it worse, I'm not sure but its really hard to keep things in perspective when you feel this low. Thanks for the comments guys. Kinda feel I have to say some of this stuff somewhere so I though maybe here might be somewhere I could vent and get some stuff of my chest

Buncha Fives

Chin up OP; most of us have been there and its not a good feeling...im going through similar turmoil at the moment and it is gut wrenching, just when I think im over her I start thinking about her all the time again.

I think the only way you will get over her is by meeting someone else who you really click with and only then will you be able to keep her out of your mind; hopefully this will happen soon for you.

You say you had to make a lot of changes to accomadate her... I did the same thing, but to be honest one lesson I have learned is if a girl isn't willing to meet you half way then your better to cut your losses because you will be forever trying to keep her happy and she will come to expect this.

Curlyhatescurls

It sounds like you have a lot of frustration (understandably!) You mightn't believe me OP, but I am in the exact situation as you, only two and a half months ago my boyfriend of 3 and a half years broke up with me, your post is exactly how I felt, about giving yourself completely and being totally shocked when they ended it. Everything you said hit me, about changing your attitudes and views.
I want to ask you to do something that will be difficult and might seem pointless- I think you need to sit down, in a quiet and private place and write her a letter saying all the things you wanted to say, write it all out. It might take a few hours, it might take 10 minutes. Then when you have it all written down, seal it up in an envelope and put the envelope somewhere safe. Then, see how you feel.
I really felt that I had lost myself, that when my boyfriend dumped me, I didn't know who I was. I am still trying to find myself now. It's good you didn't commit to any of these girls you have met since, it might take you a year, longer to be ready for another relationship, and that is completely normal.
In terms of 'finding myself', I guess that's coming naturally by being on my own now, and being with my friends when before I was with my boyfriend. Something my father said to me after it happened, which really helped was that, the love that I felt for my boyfriend, that huge, intense love, wasn't taken away because he left me. He didn't take it with him, it was my love and it is still mine. All that love you had for her can be redirected towards yourself and your friends and family, and eventually to another partner. Just remember that you still have it, it hasn't been taken away from you.
I really find writing it out to be very helpful, whenever your head is too full, write down all these thoughts and then close the book. I find getting it out clears my head and allows me to be able to sleep or eat or whatever it is I need to do.

Taltos

OP - it's only been 6 months after 3 years of living in each others pockets so to speak. It can take some people a lot longer even for much shorter periods together. Just keep working on yourself, treat yourself now and again but don't rush back into a relationship.

When the time in right or you meet the right person you will know. One day soon you will wake up and realise you never thought of her the day before - you will feel happy but rotten and for the next few days it will feel like it all just happened again, until these days of no sense of loss start happening more and you stop even noticing them.

For some people keeping busy really helps. I expressed my loss as anger and in my case it took over 2 years before I felt I could trust someone else again. Read a load of books, went for loads of cycles. Look to yourself and figure out something you have always wanted to try eg run a marathon or go sea kayaking and give it a lash - not only will you meet new people but the exercise will release those endo things that in turn will make you feel better about yourself and learning a new skill is a great way to restore or even increase your confidence and self worth if they are any way low....

I know it is corny but stop giving yourself a hard time and accept that for some it just takes more time...

LegacyUser

One things that has already made me feel a little better is they way ye who have responded seem to be able to understand what's going on, in one sense it makes me feel a little better knowing that I'm not the only one who has been through this but in another it makes me quite sad to know others have felt as bad as this also.

Actually I am trying my best at the moment to feck things up worse than they already are, guess I have always suffered from some sort of anxiety or maybe it was just apathy, actually it could have been depression but I really never went about things properly in the years before I met her.

But meeting her really inspired me to get my ass in gear, I'v worked my ass off for the last 3 years, I went back to college, I done really well, but it wasn't hard when I had the focus and purpose to do it. Since then, well I'v ran out of excuses for my boss so I don't just even tell him why I'm not there, they are not the type of people who would understand or have any idea what I'm going on about. I have a report to be in for college in the morning and I'v just spent the last 2 hours staring at the screen. I guess its really going to take me a while to get myself in order, I'm just finding it really hard to find where to start.

My friends are great at the moment, they are making a good effort to include me and get me back into the swing of things but I'm pretty sure beer and hurling and football games are not replacing anything.

Rereading this, I make it sound so bad, its probably not, if you were to meet me on the street you probably would not know how I feel, I'm generally just you regular normal happy guy. Guess I'm just missing the purpose I was always looking for,guess I used her as my motivation and drive. I'm a simple enough guy, I actually don't want much, simple things make me happy.

Moomoo1

mate, what can I say, it sucks. It really does. But remember that this person turned out to not be so nice after all, so perhaps it's all for the best?

think you need a new purpose in life, a new aim, and it doesn't have to be a woman necessarily, but something to strive for.

Piliger

Its Over wrote: »

My friends are great at the moment, they are making a good effort to include me and get me back into the swing of things but I'm pretty sure beer and hurling and football games are not replacing anything.

A lesson to us ALL ..... keep our friends and reach out to them even if we have let them slip away a bit. And one thing you left out of that recipe above ... TIME. Beer and games won't 'replace' anything .. but they will keep you busy and help you avoid fixating on the issue .... and time will then salve the pain ... one day at a time.

Rereading this, I make it sound so bad, its probably not, if you were to meet me on the street you probably would not know how I feel, I'm generally just you regular normal happy guy. Guess I'm just missing the purpose I was always looking for,guess I used her as my motivation and drive. I'm a simple enough guy, I actually don't want much, simple things make me happy.

Don't be too hard on yourself OP ... as Moomoo1 says above ... this really sucks. Be patient with yourself. It'll happen.

dannyc31

you dont have to ever really stop loving someone OP. you just have to realize that its now over and you need to move on with your life so that you can meet someone else. you may love many a person in your life and may still love them always but its the getting over being in love with them that needs to be done. life leaves scars, thats just how it is but its also what makes us who we are. you may not think it now but you will learn a thing or two from this.

are you still on speaking terms with the ex? if so it might not be a bad idea to contact her to find out exactly why she felt the need to end things it maybe useful for your future relationships although the reason may be just simply that she fell out of love with you and just knew it.

anyway time will heal in time dont worry it really will.

best of luck with everything.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I've nothing to add really just wanted to extend my sympathy. A broken heart is about the worst, most painful and confusing thing in the world.

I hope you feel a bit better today. Try to take it one day at a time.

*big internet hugs*
Best of luck.

SineadMarie

Its Over wrote: »

One things that has already made me feel a little better is they way ye who have responded seem to be able to understand what's going on, in one sense it makes me feel a little better knowing that I'm not the only one who has been through this but in another it makes me quite sad to know others have felt as bad as this also.

Actually I am trying my best at the moment to feck things up worse than they already are, guess I have always suffered from some sort of anxiety or maybe it was just apathy, actually it could have been depression but I really never went about things properly in the years before I met her.

But meeting her really inspired me to get my ass in gear, I'v worked my ass off for the last 3 years, I went back to college, I done really well, but it wasn't hard when I had the focus and purpose to do it. Since then, well I'v ran out of excuses for my boss so I don't just even tell him why I'm not there, they are not the type of people who would understand or have any idea what I'm going on about. I have a report to be in for college in the morning and I'v just spent the last 2 hours staring at the screen. I guess its really going to take me a while to get myself in order, I'm just finding it really hard to find where to start.

My friends are great at the moment, they are making a good effort to include me and get me back into the swing of things but I'm pretty sure beer and hurling and football games are not replacing anything.

Rereading this, I make it sound so bad, its probably not, if you were to meet me on the street you probably would not know how I feel, I'm generally just you regular normal happy guy. Guess I'm just missing the purpose I was always looking for,guess I used her as my motivation and drive. I'm a simple enough guy, I actually don't want much, simple things make me happy.

Your defo not the only one going through this, i know how hard it is, your thread really hit home to me.

All i can say is you will get through this i know at the moment you cant concentrate and have this big hole in your heart, but you have to keep getting on with life don't let this drag you down too much. Maybe would help if you went and spoke to someone professional, i'm sure your college has counsellors you could talk to. I've recently started counselling and its really helping to build me back up. Might help to write it all down how your feeling. Time is all you need, one day you'll wake up and not think about her and you'll know your getting there. It wasn't meant to be and i'm a firm believer in whats meant to be won't pass you by. Take care of yourself, spend time with friends/family and talk talk talk don't bottle anything up.