What to do about my Mother

LegacyUser

My mother constantly tries to run my life and I'm convinced she will never be happy with anything I do. I'm 22 years old and this has been going on since I was 17.

It started when I was in 5th year with her telling me that when all her friends children were in 5th year they were doing at least nine hours study a day on the weekends which is just ridiculous. This sort of stuff still goes on with college work. When I say that it's not true and non of my friends do near that amount of work she'll say that they're lying to save face but it never occurs to her that her friends may be doing the same.

Now that I'm in final year she keeps pushing me to apply for internships etc. No, I don't plan on doing one but obviously if I see one I'm interested in because I might as well but she keeps bringing up and then I get annoyed and she says i'm jumping down her throat. She says I'm lucky she hasn't started applying for me because that's what the majority of parents are doing.

I plan on TEFL teaching for a few years before I'm sure what I want to do but then she freaks out saying that's not a long term solution. Now I don't see it as a long term thing which she well knows but she'd rather pay for me to do a "real degree" (she means OT, dietetics etc as i'm doing arts) rather than let me attempt to have my own life.

She gets really annoyed that I don't tell her enough about my life but I just don't feel like it's a good idea. Even if she rings me and I say I'm with such-and-such she asks why I'm not with my other friends, have we fallen out? If it's someone she doesn't know she says I don't have time to make new friends. God forbid, I'd be with a boy, I shouldn't be messing with my life like that. And of course, I shouldn't be with any of these people because I should be in the library (though she sort of has a point there).

She's always on at me about how the world isn't as rosy as I think it is, it's like she thinks I've never had any problems or set backs despite having had no friends for most of secondary school, dropping out of one college course, being mugged, being depressed and whatever else. I'm just trying to make the most of my life and be optimistic.

Today we had an argument about my future and she said she just couldn't understand why I was so upset, so I, thinking it was time we had a proper hear to heart said "I feel like it doesn't matter to you whether or not I'm happy. You just want to me to have a nice house with 3 bedrooms and some middle-class children." She said "I don't think that's too much to ask for." Then she smiled and made some snide remark about how I'd have to marry someone who could support me like my Dad did, which really got to me as my Dad has little interest in her materialistic status symbols either so if he hadn't married her he wouldn't need to be "supported".

A few months ago I felt sorry for her because she seemed to be worrying so much about me that it was damaging her health so on the advise of my councellor I spoke to her about it. I though that had sorted things for a few weeks but now she just seems angry at me all the time.

I really don't know what to do but I'm worried that I'm over-reacting. She says she's a normal mother but I just don't think so.

tinkerbell

Regarding the studying 9 hours a day - people do study that. People who want to get 500+ do a lot more study than someone aiming for a lot less points. You admit yourself that you don't study as much as you should (your reference to not being in the library).

Perhaps you should see this from her point of view. The economy is crap, thousands of young people have to leave the country as there is no work when they get out of college so maybe that's why she's pushing you to apply for internships and if you wanna get a job at the end of it, you need to do well in college. Then you say you want to do TEFL and then figure stuff out. Perhaps if you had a more long term plan for what you wanna do AFTER TEFL, maybe she's just worried that once you come back from TEFL, then you'll just be stuck in a rut doing nothing?

R.D. aka MR.D

By any chance are you an only child OP?

I think the solution is to try to make her see that you are an adult who is making their own choices.
Are you very reliant on your parents?

Lollipops23

tinkerbell wrote: »

Regarding the studying 9 hours a day - people do study that. People who want to get 500+ do a lot more study than someone aiming for a lot less points. You admit yourself that you don't study as much as you should (your reference to not being in the library).

Perhaps you should see this from her point of view. The economy is crap, thousands of young people have to leave the country as there is no work when they get out of college so maybe that's why she's pushing you to apply for internships and if you wanna get a job at the end of it, you need to do well in college. Then you say you want to do TEFL and then figure stuff out. Perhaps if you had a more long term plan for what you wanna do AFTER TEFL, maybe she's just worried that once you come back from TEFL, then you'll just be stuck in a rut doing nothing?

There's nothing at all wrong with not having a long term plan at 22 years of age. Jesus, let her live a little.

OP, the way I see it is this, as long as you're not asking her for anything (ie, to fund your social life/TEFL course) she has squat say in it. Your mam sounds extremely intent on keeping up appearances, comparing you to her friends kids etc.

I'd tell her to stay out of my business- she doesn't need to know who you're hanging out with on a daily basis. Heck, my mam didn't even meet most of my college friends until my graduation.

Stand up for yourself, take control of your life.

NeonCookies

Hi OP,

Just to say, I'm TEFL teaching abroad atm and I highly recommend it! I won't lie, it's tough being away from friends/ family/ your own culture, but it gives you a better perspective on what you want from life I think.

It's a valuable experience that will always be looked upon favourably by employers because of the courage it takes to do it, and the flexibility and adaptability it takes to make it in a different country. I know I'm much clearer about my future now, and I actually have a plan for when I get home (I'm 22 aswell!) I think being able to think about the future without the pressure of actually starting it straight away was great for me. If you do it, I recommend keeping a notebook/ word document on your laptop, where you jot down ideas - courses, life goals etc. which you can look at every so often to help you figure it out.

With regards to your mother, I had similar (though not quite as extreme) issues with my father. Being away from home, and skyping him once a week, has made our relationship much better. He can see the benefits of what I'm doing now, and is encouraging me to stay longer even though I want to come home next year! Maybe being away from home, living independently may make your mother see you as an adult who can't be controlled to such a high degree.

Ellsbells

It's simply that she sees you drifting with no firm plans. An arts degree isn't exactly going to land you a plum job so maybe she thinks you need to do something more constructive after that and she is right.

Has she funded your study? If so she is entitled to an opinion. If you don't want any more opinions become entirely self sufficient by moving out of home and funding a job.

Give her a break - she is your mother and worried about you.

Leeway5555

My mother is exactly the same If I had some way of dealing with her I would share but I dont
This has led to me having to distance myself from her.

Janey_Mac

I think your mother's acting like this because she's worried and wants you to have a stable secure future. That said, you're an adult and once you're not expecting her to pay for your social life/repeat years because of not studying etc. and are doing reasonably well at your course while making sure you have a balance in your life that works for you, I'd say you were doing alright under most people's expectations. It sounds like she's pushing her anxieties about your future onto you more than she should, and she has very limited ideas about how you might be happy.

You have a plan for what you want to do after college with the TEFL stuff. That's as much of a worthy goal as an internship, and TEFL is definitely the sort of thing that looks good on a CV; it shows a bit of get-up-and-go and openness to new experiences.

Anyway, while your mother could be right and you could turn around at the age of 29 and suddenly be weeping bitter tears at the fact that you didn't get a 1.1 and you went and taught English in Japan instead of working for KPMG or retraining as an actuary or whatever, it's still up to you to make your own decisions and your own mistakes. So I recommend the following phrases, followed by a swift subject change: "Thanks mam, I'll bear that in mind." "Thanks mam, I appreciate your concern, but I'm happy with how much studying I'm getting done/how prepared I am for my exams and so are my lecturers." (So make sure they are.)