On the outside I'm a funny but sensible guy...Inside I'm raging

LegacyUser

If this goes on, I'm sorry, if it makes sense, great...

I know how it started but I can't get it to stop. A bit of background: Male, mid 40's, married to my soul mate, three great adult age kids, nice house, dog etc etc...

I came from a background where alcohol had essentially destroyed my Mother, she missed my Dad as he was a long distance truck driver and would spend days, and sometimes, weeks away (inter-continental) He is a good man and alway did his utmost for us.

But because he was away so often, my Mam lost the plot and started drinking heavily and she roped me into her world to go to different locations in our area to buy her drink (times were very different then). Sometimes she spent too much on drink and little things fell to the way-side like bills and shopping and we would have to make do with whatever was available or could be preserved from the previous nights meal to have that day.

It got to a point where she could not function as a mother and I, being the eldest, felt/ believed that I had to carry the can in her drink-sodden absence. I missed school for days on end, I'm reasonably smart but my grades were well below average. I lost friends because I could not go out as I had to care for her and my siblings. I withdrew a lot from the typical world of a young boy/ teenager.

What did my 'care' consist of? Continuous feeding of my mothers habit while trying to keep my Dad from finding out about her. I learnt to cook, clean and sew. I helped my siblings with their schoolwork, I did all the things she should have done but couldn't.

Through-out all this, for approx 6-7 years my Dad never found out, he came home and it was all happy family, he would bring us out in the car (a big treat then) and he would go to the pub with Mam and she would be oh-so-careful to not get too drunk in case the facade slipped, she could be really clever my Mother.

Then, one year my Parents had this 'great idea' they decided to move to the continent, Dad had been offered a great opportunity, My sister, who is disabled was going as was my brother after his Leaving Cert (mine was an abject disaster). I could not go as i had managed to join the army and that was my life now, plus I had met my now-wife and we were planning to get married.

Skipping on a couple of years and life was starting to provide me with some normalcy. Then the worst thing happened, actually two things, within a couple of months, we lost our first baby and my mother died.

I've never felt 'normal' since then.

I'm raging inside and I can't let it out as I don't think I can control it, everyone who knows me thinks I'm a good laugh, tells crappy jokes, has time for everyone and seen as a 'legend' by my kids respective friends.

I constantly live with this rage, I'm angry with her (Mam) and I'm angry with him (Dad) but mostly I'm angry with me.

Those two deaths have impacted on my life in some horrible ways and I'm not going to air them all here.

Even now I can feel it, my heart is racing and my control is barely hanging on, I want to smash the keyboard, pound it into the ground. Scream! I want to scream my head off and shout at someone to take my pain away.


But I can't, I've have too many responsibilities, a good job, kids to put through college and so on...

Jesus, I'm so angry

jellygems

I had to take several deep breaths reading your post, my heart goes out to you.

I think you should go talk to someone about how you are feeling, it may help you

Sorry for your loss

WhatAMelon

It's pain that's going to stay with you. It's not a pain that is ever fully going away. It'll be a part of the epic drama of your life.

But, wow, there's so much positive for the future in your post too. I mean this specifically:

A bit of background: Male, mid 40's, married to my soul mate, three great adult age kids, nice house, dog etc etc...

That's not 'background'. That's you today, the other stuff is 'background'. You've built alot and have a family with three kids to match. That's a phenenomal achievement that's going to create so much joy for so many generations stretching off into the future. That's what I take from your post.

pilph

Both my parents are still alive, so I don't understand this part. Well I understand to a point as I've lost people close to me, aunts, cousins etc, but not my parents. I also have not had to deal with alcohol as a problem in either parent.

I'm a bloke, mid-late 30's. All I can say to you is please don't under-estimate what the loss of a child (unborn or otherwise) can do to you. I've been through it and I've not felt 'normal' since then either. It took 6 months to realise it was a problem, then 2 years of drinking trying to bury the problem, then realising drink was no help.

Counselling may help - it has helped me and after a long time made life better. But ingoring any problems like this will only do damage long term. If you can, confront these issues now and although it might take some time to get over them, what lies at the other side should be a lot healthier.

Best of luck to you.

a fat guy

So let it out.

Put your fist through a wall if you have to! Then go talk with your partner about it. Consider talking to your father about it too, but be aware that for all he knows, she was a kind soul who passed away. He won't talk too kindly to any bad words about her.

Hoochiemama

After the suicide of a friend of mine I felt such anger. Anger at him, anger at me, anger at anyone that entered my radar. Like you I tried to contain it under the "relaxed happy chilled out hippie" persona I am known for. That persona is who I am but I was (am) grieving, as are you, and one of the main stages of grieving is anger.

A piece of advice I got from a counsellor which was great was as someone said above, is to release that anger and rage. That emotion is inside you and bottling it wont help. She told me to go somewhere and do what I needed to do. I went to a cliff near my house as its remote and just stood up the top of it and screamed and shouted and cried. I cursed my friend, I cried for my friend, I shouted at him, I told him I loved him and missed him.

Another thing I did was, I wrote him a letter. A real free flow letter of all the things I felt about him: love, loss, anger, sorrow. The things I wished I did and the things I missed about him. Literally I just typed and typed and typed without even thinking (for me I find I freeflow write better on a keyboard than with a pen)... then at the top of the cliff I ripped up the letter and through it out into the sea... it wasnt something I wanted to hold on to. But thats a personal choice.

The important thing is you find an outlet for your rage. Buy a box of plates and a baseball bat and go somewhere reclused and break the sh*t out of them, go to a boxing club and beat the crap out of a punch bag.... whatever it is just do it!!!!

And also remember, you anger is normal, like I said above Anger is one of the major stages of grieving

x

LegacyUser

jellygems wrote: »

I had to take several deep breaths reading your post, my heart goes out to you.

I think you should go talk to someone about how you are feeling, it may help you

Sorry for your loss

Thank you, I have been to a Psychologist (army) and he put me on tablets to try and 'even me out' - didn't work. I've seen a counsellor, but I felt it wasn't going anywhere, not her fault but I do believe she feared the level of aggression I expressed during the sessions, I would never harm anyone without just cause (good military doctrine and training) but she seemed less comfortable with me over time, so I stopped going.

LegacyUser

a fat guy wrote: »

So let it out.

Put your fist through a wall if you have to! Then go talk with your partner about it. Consider talking to your father about it too, but be aware that for all he knows, she was a kind soul who passed away. He won't talk too kindly to any bad words about her.

Broke my hand doing it once too often... I've spoken to my Dad about it (but not the anger issues) he apologised and got upset, he's elderly now and he goes into moments of despair over things he did wrong/ missed out on and thats not healthy for him at his age, so I leave it be in that regard, but thank you anyway, my Mam was a good person under it all and gave me my greatest gift, a love of books and writing, but it feels at times to be sullied by those events in our lives.

LegacyUser

A piece of advice I got from a counsellor which was great was as someone said above, is to release that anger and rage. That emotion is inside you and bottling it wont help. She told me to go somewhere and do what I needed to do. I went to a cliff near my house as its remote and just stood up the top of it and screamed and shouted and cried. I cursed my friend, I cried for my friend, I shouted at him, I told him I loved him and missed him.

Another thing I did was, I wrote him a letter. A real free flow letter of all the things I felt about him: love, loss, anger, sorrow. The things I wished I did and the things I missed about him. Literally I just typed and typed and typed without even thinking (for me I find I freeflow write better on a keyboard than with a pen)... then at the top of the cliff I ripped up the letter and through it out into the sea... it wasnt something I wanted to hold on to. But thats a personal choice.

The important thing is you find an outlet for your rage. Buy a box of plates and a baseball bat and go somewhere reclused and break the sh*t out of them, go to a boxing club and beat the crap out of a punch bag.... whatever it is just do it!!!!

And also remember, you anger is normal, like I said above Anger is one of the major stages of grieving

x[/QUOTE]

I never considered that (letter writing) it is an avenue of approach that appeals as I write a lot at home (fiction) thank you.

I was in the army for over 22 years and aggression is a targetted thing and I think creating a scenario for bald aggression has been trained out of me, I feel it nigh impossible to completely lose control and is actually too difficult for me to do.

In the scenario with plates or a punch bag, it is simply not enough. Even when I could fire some substantial weaponry it was never enough, the anger I feel requires so much more. I'm just concerned that if I do 'let it out' can I control it afterwards?

At times I feel that I am going around in circles with this, knowing what needs to be done but concerned with the consequences/ aftermath and constant second guessing myself is causing further harm to my psyche.

I have considered a more permanent solution for some time but on considering options, I realised I couldn't put my family through that. I had always considered suicide a 'cowards way out' but when facing it yourself, I know now it isn't as far as I'm concerned. It's just not an option for me anymore.

Where do I go from here? I know what I want to do, but I know I simply cannot do it for a number of reasons. So I'm left in a bind, which is getting tighter and tighter all the time.

I'm sorry for pushing my issues onto complete strangers but sometimes strangers will have a more objective point of view rather than someone you are familiar with.

Ickle Magoo

Hey there,

Loosing a parent or child can have catastrophic affects on us for a very long time, throwing up all kinds of related and associated feelings - including anger...losing both in a short time must have been/be incredibly hard for you.

Would you consider trying to find another counsellor/therapist? Perhaps specifically a bereavement counsellor ? There's good info on how to find one that suits you/your needs best HERE.

Keeping your emotions all bottled up isn't good for your mental health and nor is constantly wrestling anger, confusion, disappointment, hurt, etc. You need to find a way to release those feelings and get some kind of closure so you can find relative peace and in terms of day-to-day living, move on and perhaps a therapist specifically trained in bereavement would be best placed to help you do that?

If you ever feel suicidal, please contact your GP - even out of hours. And if you need someone to talk to/info there are some useful contacts HERE and HERE, some of which may be able to point you in the direction of a local support group.

All the very best OP.

edellc

I dont really have anything to add to this thread OP but just wanted to offer my deepest sympathy for your losses, I too lost my mother within the last 18mths and at the beginning felt the anger that you describe...I have no idea of the anger you feel regarding the loss of your child and my heart is breaking for you.

I know for me I have a very supportive partner and he was great to let me talk for hours about my mother, I was very angry with her, not for dying as I knew it was her time and she was suffering but I had a child 10mths previous and during my whole pregnancy she barley spoke to me as she was angry at me for being pregnant and then when baby was here she put down my decision to breast feed my baby and a few other things she nit picked at, I know she had her reasons but I was angry at her then and more so when she passed as I felt she had ruined the last few years of her life with me and put a big dampener on my pregnancy and new baby and I couldnt express how angry I was about it all.

I do think a letter helps especially if you write yourself, but I do think you should seek professional counselling and most importantly speak to your wife, you have a lot to look forward to from your description and I am sure she would be devastated to know you are going through this alone and eager to help you see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Best of luck with the future OP and please seek the help you desperately need.

Ellsbells

Op very sorry for your losses and congrats on keeping what sounds like a lovely life together despite your grief (hope that makes sense..)

I haven't lost a child or parent but had a very close very tragic loss and now realise there is no going back to the old normal. We now have a new normal which has a big person shaped hole in it. I don't think time heals, I think you just get used to the new normal.

You have a right to be angry as your childhood was taken up by your mothers drinking and you never got to call her out on it. Can you talk to anyone about this?

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I can relate to your childhood 100%, in my case I got to watch my alcoholic NPD mother abuse my father for my entire life, the abuse on 'us' stopped when I was 14 years old and the first (and last) punch got thrown in the other direction (I am female by the way, in case anyone is wondering!) The great family secret that was not to be acknowledged or talked about for his sake not hers. Unfortunately I lost the 'wrong' parent, so it is all comming out in the wash now even though she is still in complete denial. Don't feel too bad about feeding your mothers habit, an alcoholic is an alcoholic is an alcoholic . . . the only person who can stop it is themselves and only if they actually want to which in the case of NPD is never, ever going to happen. If there was no whisky my mother would drink vodka, if there was no vodka it would be wine, if there was no wine it would be metholated spirits. On one occasion she drank 2 litres of drain cleaner as all the booze in the house had been disposed of as an attempt at a clean-up operation.

As for how to channel your rage - different strokes for different folks! Councelling doesn't seem to be working for you so try finding a RL/on-line support group, self help group, or maybe just a few people/close friends you trust or have been in similar circumstances. This is a common enough senario so there are plenty of people out there who can relate to this. I don't think you are quite ready for 'talk therapy' yet though! For many people helping others in similar situations is the most effective method of dealing with their own demons.

Anger can be disposed of in a constructive and controlled manner by finding a suitable outlet for it. Personally I'd recommend full contact kick-boxing, you should certainly be fit enough for it.

Don't forget, your wife lost your baby too, just something to keep in mind.

uck51js9zml2yt

i would second going to a bereavement coucellor. they are trained for the task unlike Psychologists, particularly army ones.

the one thing i dont see mentioned is that youve spoken to your wife about all this. as mentioed, she lost a baby too.
tell her how you feel about things. ideally get someone to mind the kids for the weekend and go away somewhere.
she probably feels vulnerable as well after her loss. dont try solve it all in one weekend.its much easier for the two of you to get through this than to deal with it alone. perhaps both of you could see a counsellor.

ctaf

OP, I hope you consider getting reviews for a counsellor who would be more suited to the anger and other feelings you have at present. Like doctors, some are more gifted in certain areas.
Reading your post, it sounds like you were responsible all your life, been the carer as a child and the husband and father as an adult. However, with regards to your first baby and mother dying, as another poster said anger is normal, however, the level yours is effecting your well-being. Would both deaths have left you feeling you had no control (after been in control for so long), are you frustrated at the cruelty of been such a good person and loosing your child? As suggested above, writing is a great way to get things out and sometimes once you start and just let it flow, you may find that there is something else behind or fueling the anger.
Are there things you are angry because you did them, or didn't do them? Maybe to start writing, write words only to get some feelings out.
So sorry for your loss.