Moving In - Discuss!

LegacyUser

I'm seeing my current girlfriend for nearly 2years, well 20months.

We are both 27 and get on fine etc etc all the usual. She lives at home, I rent.

I am thinking about asking her to move in together in a new place, rent a different house.

Can anyone offer any ideas for/against. Its a big step and I want to see all perspectives before I ask!

Thanks,
S

Tefral

First off congrats on getting to that stage.

Secondly and most importantly I will say: You dont know someone until you live with them. Youll be confronted with everything about them so they might do little things that you hate as habits and unless they are discussed little things can become big things.

Communication is the key, best lay out some little rules like dividing up housework, cooking all that jazz, when one person doesnt do their fair share it can quickly lead to a fight and if you dont dicuss things then the other person might not even know, all the while your simmering with anger.

Money: work out how you will pay the rent, bills, buy shopping etc. What works for one couple may not work for the other. Myself and my OH used to split everything down the middle 50/50. Some couples might do it like paying the ESB bill and the other might pay for the Gas etc. What ever works, but get this set in stone, money can get in the way and if you take that out early then it will never be a problem.

Buy a duvet one size too big for the bed, honestly, its the best thing ever! No fighting for covers etc.

If she has never rented before and has always lived at home, it might take some time for her to adjust to having to share cooking for you etc if her mam or parents did the cooking.

I loved cooking so I did that, my OH loves cleaning and has OCD about it, so I would hoover, clean the bathroom , empty the dishwasher or whatever but she used to do the bulk of the cleaning as her clean and my clean didnt match up. It worked great, especially since I didnt mind cooking after a days work where-as she used to hate it.

Raminahobbin

From personal experience and from listening to to other people, the biggest strains on a relationship when you first move in together are housework/money/time apart.

You should definitely go for it if it's something you feel you want to do, but don't be tempted to go the whole hog and get joint accounts/spend every waking moment together. Very often, a person's first time living out from home can be a bit of a shock to the system. It's possible that anything that goes wrong or is not done how they are used to it being done will start to be the other persons fault. You need to put steps in place so this doesn't happen:

Money- 50:50 in everything (at least initially). Don't let resentment creep in!

Housework- 50:50 also. And keep on top of it, both of you. If you can't relax to watch a movie together because the room is messy, it's going to start being a problem. Also, a dishwasher probably could have saved many a relationship!

I cannot stress enough how important it is to spend time apart. It's so tempting to hang out with each other all the time and do the domestic thing, but before you know it you're stagnating. You need to retain your individual identities, give each other room to miss each other, and doing separate things keeps conversation flowing and a spark there.

Raminahobbin

cronin_j wrote: »

Buy a duvet one size too big for the bed, honestly, its the best thing ever! No fighting for covers etc.

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! Get yourself a kingsize duvet. Plus, kingsize duvet covers are always left over in every sale, so you'll save loads of dosh

banie01

It is a big step...Yes.
But lets be honest, if ye want to have a relationship its a step that needs taking.
Cronin's advice above is spot on.
I'd reiterate 2 of his points tho.
1.Talk, Communicate, it is vital for a healthy relationship to talk, it stops minor little annoyance's festering into full blown rows
Save those row's for the big stuff! haha

2. And be definite on how ye will share living costs. The amount of couples I know that have trouble around this is crazy.
Yes there will be hardtimes where one of ye will subsidise the other and there will be swings and roundabouts but as long as ye talk about it, ye will cope.

Tis all about compromise and communication

Good luck on the shacking up

ash23

As well as all the nitty gritty about housework, make sure you are both on the same page about the future. Do you both want marriage, kids? It's time to start talking about things like that. Not necessarily proposing, but where do you both see yourselves in 5 years? You don't want to move in with someone and a couple of years later find out that you are both headed in totally different directions.

Other than that, agree a housework rota. And a method for calculating bills and rent and expenses.

Penny Dreadful

ash23 wrote: »

As well as all the nitty gritty about housework, make sure you are both on the same page about the future. Do you both want marriage, kids? It's time to start talking about things like that. Not necessarily proposing, but where do you both see yourselves in 5 years? You don't want to move in with someone and a couple of years later find out that you are both headed in totally different directions.

Other than that, agree a housework rota. And a method for calculating bills and rent and expenses.

Totally agree with this advice. I moved in with my ex boyfriend without discussing this and we both assumed we wanted the same things. Turned out we didn't but as he was scared of loosing me he stalled for time for ages on the getting married thing and just days, quite literally days before we were due to get engaged he told me that he never wanted children.
Cutting a long and messy story short we broke up.
When I met my now husband could see that things were moving along well I asked him what his thoughts were on marriage and children, not necessarily with me (it was a little early for that then) but in principle. We were of a similar opinion on that and time went on and we're now married.

A method for calculating bills, rents, etc is also very important and you should get this sorted out before moving in together. After living together for a while you may find that you've over or under estimated the amount of money needed and you can adjust accordingly.

username123

Everyone has pretty much said what the important stuff is. Id add to this, a full 'show and tell' on each others finances prior to moving in. It would not be good to already be living with someone and suddenly discover that they have a mountain of debt and cant actually afford the agreed 50:50 financial set up.

In my house a king size duvet would only mean even more duvet piled on top of me during the night as he heats up too much!!!

AnnyHallsal

Raminahobbin wrote: »

From personal experience and from listening to to other people, the biggest strains on a relationship when you first move in together are housework/money/time apart.

You should definitely go for it if it's something you feel you want to do, but don't be tempted to go the whole hog and get joint accounts/spend every waking moment together. Very often, a person's first time living out from home can be a bit of a shock to the system. It's possible that anything that goes wrong or is not done how they are used to it being done will start to be the other persons fault. You need to put steps in place so this doesn't happen:

Money- 50:50 in everything (at least initially). Don't let resentment creep in!

Housework- 50:50 also. And keep on top of it, both of you. If you can't relax to watch a movie together because the room is messy, it's going to start being a problem. Also, a dishwasher probably could probably have saved many a relationship!

I cannot stress enough how important it is to spend time apart. It's so tempting to hang out with each other all the time and do the domestic thing, but before you know it you're stagnating. You need to retain your individual identities, give each other room to miss each other, and doing separate things keeps conversation flowing and a spark there.

Fantastic advice. Wish I'd had it

Raminahobbin

AnnyHallsal wrote: »

Fantastic advice. Wish I'd had it

Me too might have helped me before things got too bad!! Live and learn :pac: