Lying friend.

Esoteric_

I have a friend, someone I've been friends with for around 8 years. I'll call him Mark.

Over the last six months or so, my friend Sarah and I have noticed that Mark lies about EVERYTHING. Stupid things, like lying about running into my boyfriend on a night out (false, the bf was with me at the time!), and silly things like that.

Now, myself and Sarah do not care, as long as his lies don't affect us, which for the most part, they don't.

However, it's gotten to the point where it is affecting us.

He worked in a promotions company, and said he had gotten me an important gig, which was a few months away. He made it convincing, showing me his own VIP tickets to said gig which he apparenty was getting for his work there. I spent the next few months writing new material and working my backside off to get ready for said gig, because he told me I needed all original material, and I normally perform covers. Few months later, when I question him on it, he said that it was still going ahead. Before the gig, I find out through his Facebook that he actually WON the tickets to the gig and lied to me, wasting a lot of my time.

He told Sarah that the guy she's dating was saying X, Y and Z about her to him, making her worry that there were problems when there weren't.

He's told several more lies which directly affect us both. Each time we call him out, we don't outright accuse him of lying, but we point out the holes in his stories, which he always tries to cover up, or changes subject.

His other friend says that he lies because of his Asperger's, which I'm pretty sure he doesn't have, as he receives no disability benefits and displays none of the other symptoms of it.


So, should we call the guy out on his lies? Sarah wants to (but she's a wimp and is trying to insist that I be the one to do it), whereas I just want to distance myself from him. The only issue with that is, if I distance myself from him, he rings and texts me CONSTANTLY (one day I was really busy so missed a call from him, he called 12 more times despite me telling him that I was busy!).

So, distance myself and put up with constant texts and phone calls, or call him out? Pointing out the flaws in his stories doesn't phase him and doesn't work.

Cheers in advance.

jessiejam

I'd have it out with him.
Pull him on his lies there and then when you know that he's going off on one.
He sounds like an attention seeker. I work with someone like this but I tend to pull her straight away and question her on the spot. She hates this but knows now that I won't let her away with it.

She's lonely and likes to make out her life is exciting, so tends to make up things to try and fit in. I wouldn't mind but the rests of our lives aren't anything special. If I had broken leg she would have had 2 broken legs. Stuff like that. Thing is its hard to believe anything that comes out of her mouth anymore!

Tell him until he packs in the BS to not bother contacting you again. He obviously has his reasons for carrying on like that but one day he will cross the line and there may be no going back from that.

tony81

I wouldn't care less if he has aspergers or not. That's hardly your problem. Just start to distance yourself from him.

Don't bother pointing out the flaws.. people with disorders will either not be phased or they could step their craziness up a notch.

Most phones have a screened numbers option where calls and texts are either silenced or disgarded. I suggest you add your friend to such a list.

WhyGoBald

Honestly, I'd have cut him off without a thought after either of the things he did to you and your friend. If you feel like giving him one last warning, by all means do so. I wouldn't be influenced by the consideration of him bothering you with phone calls - he'll stop it eventually.

Having Asperger's is no excuse, even if he did have it, though people with Asperger's generally tend towards telling the truth no matter how unpalatable . However, if it is the problem, he might benefit the most by you confronting him with his untruths and if you give him one last chance, enforcing it. That is not really your responsibility, but it is an option.

looksee

I absolutely agree about the Aspergers not being a convincing story, I know there are different degrees of Aspergers but being anything other than logical and straight doesn't come into it - where did the Aspergers thing start anyway, was it his suggestion?

Let him understand that you have had enough of his stories, then leave him at it. His name will come up on your phone, just don't answer, cut him off. You don't have annoy yourself with people messing you about like that.

Esoteric_

Thanks guys, much appreciated.

I believe the Asperger's thing is bullshít. I know a couple of people with Asperger's and he displays none of the characteristics of it. Like somebody else said, most people with Asperger's tend towards truthful speaking, even to their detriment. He initially brought up the fact that he has Asperger's, but only said this around 3 or 4 months ago, no other time in the 8 years that we've known him.

I don't give a damn if someone wants to lie to make their life seem more interesting, it's just the fact that some of his lies are affecting myself and my friend that's getting to me.

I do see when it is him calling or texting my phone, but when I don't answer, after a while he'll switch to a private number instead of displaying his number. I don't answer private numbers anyway, but it's still irritating having my phone constantly vibrating (I have to keep it on me at all times due to family circumstances at the moment).

Still not sure what to do, but changing my number seems like a good idea whatever I decide.

Taltos

OP - on some phones you can actually block certain numbers or your service provider can do this for you.

I constantly get calls from 2 different numbers in the midlands looking for <bleeped> Gas - last time they called I merely selected the number and set the phone to autoreject it.

Shame to let one guy force you to change your number, however if you can't block his maybe that is the way to go afterall.

face1990

I knew a guy who was exactly like that. We started to notice little, inconsequential lies (usually just over-dramatising some event, or saying he could get you a job, knows people in the industry, etc.). But then there were much more damaging lies, lying about people behind their backs, making up stories about people.

We copped on to it fairly quickly and gradually realised how much of his life was a constructed fantasy. He even lied about a family member having cancer, then just forgot about it and never mentioned it again.
He even lied to me about myself (I don't know how that was supposed to work?).

Some compulsive liars will keep lying, and lie about everything. I had to stop hanging around with that guy. I couldnt have a conversation with him anymore because I didn't know what was a lie and what was true (and couldnt give him the benefit of the doubt anymore).

I think psychopathy is a more likely cause than aspergers.

face1990

By the way, after a lot my friends started distancing ourselves from the guy mentioned above, he told me he was going to start working hard at not lying anymore.

That too turned out to be a lie.

LegacyUser

I have faced this dilemma on two occasions, the first time was a friend who was lying about having boyfriends who she was never with. I called her on it and she broke down in tears, I felt ashamed and left it, we haven't mentioned it since. The second friend is more deluded and seems to be convinced that the lies are true, I was going to approach her partner to suggest that she get help but I came to the conclusion that he already knows and it wouldn't be serving any purpose. Think about the consequences. This person will either be devastated, or they will deny deny deny. I think this guy actually believes his own lies at least for a time, I doubt these lies are designed to hurt anyone, it's just really really sad. I can totally understand your anger but I think your instinct to steer well clear is right.

thefeatheredcat

Sounds to me a bit like he's looking for validation through attention seeking lying? Is he really insecure, in general? Maybe it's how that insecurity manifests?

In the instances you've described he gets the attention plus the validation of friendship in the case of the tickets for the gig in doing a good turn for you, passing on the "luck" and the same with Sarah and stuff about her boyfriend.

Calling him on the lying matter of factly and telling him to stop will work to a point, but calling on him and poking holes won't, because he will still have the opportunity to alter it and still get the attention and maintain a lie to enjoy the validation of friendship.

If attention and validation is what he wants, rather than deny him what he's looking for, which results in him being more intense about it in ringing a bazillion times in a space of 5 minutes, give him what he wants and then over-do it to get some space as that would probably encourage him to give some distance on his terms.

I don't know if it would work, or if that's what you want but maybe something to consider, I don't even know if it's worth suggesting but just a thought.

Esoteric_

Thanks guys, I really appreciate the input and suggestions! I've never really had to deal with a friend like this before.

I don't think that the guy belives his own lies, but then again, you never know.

I have tried answering his calls and speaking to him, but he keeps me on the phone for absolutely ages, bitching about people I know who he is friends with, and it's not like I can just half pay attention because he expects me to answer everything he says. Sometimes, I am just genuinely too busy to answer, and I always tell him I'll call him back if I'm busy (and I DO make the effort to call him back!) but that's never good enough for him.

I don't care if his lies are to boost his own ego (although he's seemingly pretty confident already), but when they start to affect me, it annoys me. I mean, I would not have spent several months working my backside off to get 40 new songs written and learned if he hadn't told me I had a big gig, I would have just chilled because it was at a stressful time in my life and the pressure he put on me to get the stuff written was pretty big.

He called me again last night, offering me a gig. I just told him I'll probably be busy on the day, as it's a family member's birthday, and he went nuts at me. So I dunno.

I'm gonna talk it over with my friend Sarah. IF we decide to call him out, I'm not doing it alone like she's pushing me to do. I'd rather just distance myself from him and buy an Android so I can download a call block app.

Thanks again guys.

tony81

LyndaMcL wrote: »

He called me again last night, offering me a gig. I just told him I'll probably be busy on the day, as it's a family member's birthday, and he went nuts at me.

You actually did call him out, that's why he went nuts. I'm not sure why you didn't just say "get a life" and hang up.

Esoteric_

tony81 wrote: »

You actually did call him out, that's why he went nuts. I'm not sure why you didn't just say "get a life" and hang up.

Because he's one of my oldest friends and I care about him, so if this is just something recent that has a reason behind it, I'd like to do my best to understand, rather than just tell him to jog off.

tony81

LyndaMcL wrote: »

Because he's one of my oldest friends and I care about him, so if this is just something recent that has a reason behind it, I'd like to do my best to understand, rather than just tell him to jog off.

Sorry, I didn't realise it was just recent. In that case, it's definitely something you should confront him about with your friend.

However, there is rarely such a thing as a friend for life. I think I read somewhere before that some friends are just for certain journeys in your life.

You need to look after yourself first anyway. Don't be afraid to ditch him if he doesn't listen to you.

LegacyUser

I'm a really confused OP, you say you've never directly called him out on things but

He worked in a promotions company, and said he had gotten me an important gig, which was a few months away. He made it convincing, showing me his own VIP tickets to said gig which he apparenty was getting for his work there. I spent the next few months writing new material and working my backside off to get ready for said gig, because he told me I needed all original material, and I normally perform covers. Few months later, when I question him on it, he said that it was still going ahead. Before the gig, I find out through his Facebook that he actually WON the tickets to the gig and lied to me, wasting a lot of my time.

I'm confused as to how you could actually avoid confronting him on this? So you just didn't turn up at the alleged gig and then neither of ye brought it up the next time you met/spoke?

He's told several more lies which directly affect us both. Each time we call him out, we don't outright accuse him of lying, but we point out the holes in his stories, which he always tries to cover up, or changes subject.

surely the gig not actually existing was more than a 'hole' in the story? How did he cover that up?

He called me again last night, offering me a gig. I just told him I'll probably be busy on the day, as it's a family member's birthday, and he went nuts at me.

would you not have just said, is this a real gig, cos remember last time that other gig didn't actually exist?

sorry op i'm not being confrontational or anything, I'm just genuinely confused. Yeah this guys lying behaviour is really odd, but it kinda sounds like you're completely ignoring the lies and pretending they haven't happened? - which is only serving to make him continue his behaviour because he thinks you're oblivious to it surely...unless i'm completely missing something?

edellc

Hi Lynda

Just wanted to say how sorry I am for your situation, it must be hard...I totally get that this friends means a lot to you and if this lying is a new thing then it is obviously happening for a reason and as you care for this person maybe the best approach is to have a quiet one to one with him and let him know how you feel regarding these lies and how it is effecting you, if you dont think he will take it in or will lie more to get out of it then write him a letter explaining how you want to help him and how sorry you are that he feels the need to make things up to make his life seem so much more than it is, but we all have pretty **** existences tbh and we all at time to time wish our life was like that in a magazine or on tv and there is no harm in it until we merge the two and white lies become big dirty black ones and ones that have ripples

However for every negative I always feel there is a positive to balance out the universe and you have a positive, that is your new songs, you say you tended to do covers and now you have a whole array of original songs to your catalogue so thats a good thing, next thing is to get them recorded maybe do your demo and get them out there, if you have a bit of an audience then I am sure they would love to hear the real you through your words and if not now is your chance to get your words out there and show everyone what your about musically, so take a positive from this experience.

Hopefully it will work out with your friend and if not then close that chapter of your life and move on to the next, grieve if needs be and write some great songs from it, and maybe somewhere down the line your paths may meet again if its meant to be and he will have overcome whatever compulsion he has to lie that is sitting with him at present.

Esoteric_

ummwha? wrote: »

I'm a really confused OP, you say you've never directly called him out on things but

I'm confused as to how you could actually avoid confronting him on this? So you just didn't turn up at the alleged gig and then neither of ye brought it up the next time you met/spoke?

surely the gig not actually existing was more than a 'hole' in the story? How did he cover that up?


would you not have just said, is this a real gig, cos remember last time that other gig didn't actually exist?

sorry op i'm not being confrontational or anything, I'm just genuinely confused. Yeah this guys lying behaviour is really odd, but it kinda sounds like you're completely ignoring the lies and pretending they haven't happened? - which is only serving to make him continue his behaviour because he thinks you're oblivious to it surely...unless i'm completely missing something?

Like I said, I haven't directly accused him of lying, yet. When the gig date came close (a few months before), I asked him when I was meeting the guy to sort a set list. He said a month before the gig. A month before the gig, I asked what was going on, he said it fell through.

We'll generally ask him and question him on things that we know to be false, but he either has a legitimate sounding excuse, or comes up with another lie.

ibarelycare

I've been through this with an ex boyfriend. The lies started small but soon got out of hand. It didn't make sense why he was lying about things, they were usually inconsequential. It a came to a head when I found out he'd lies to me for nearly a year about both his parents having cancer!

He started going to counselling, he said he had no idea why he actually lied about things. But I didn't feel like he wanted to change, I knew he was only going to counselling to keep me happy and so I wouldn't break up with him.

There must be some underlying reason why your friend lies about things and he really needs to speak to someone professional. However it's not your responsibility to get him to do that. He probably doesn't even see what he does as such a big deal or even a problem at all. I'd suggest having a serious talk to him about the lying, all the phone calls, etc and see what he has to say for himself. If things don't change then you should cut him off. It's stressful to have people in your life like that!

Esoteric_

Thanks so much for all the input, guys.

I've decided I'm going to call him out on it. The main reason for this is because last night, he called me 14 times and texted me twice. After the second phone call, I texted him and told him I was busy (I was, I was looking after an elderly relative for the night, which I explained to him in the text) and he continued calling anyway. It's píssed me off so much that I have decided I can't continue like this and am going to call him on his lies.

This can be closed now, mods. Again, thanks for all the fantastic advice. I really appreciate it.

AhInFairness

Hi Lynda,

Sorry for jumping in when you feel it has been resolved but I wanted to say..be very, very careful.

I have been in this situation and once myself and a friend called out this person on their lies things escalated hugely. This person resorted to lying about having a serious illness to all and sundry and I completely walked away because I had proof that it was lies. That was over a year ago. Since then this person has made it their sole purpose to spread lies about me to everyone they can. They have texted my boyfriend claiming I have been cheating, they have sent messages to mutual friends claiming I'm some sort of sexual predator that tries it on with both men and women, he claims I was telling people he used to beat his last girlfriend and the latest lie was that I have a drug problem. Absolutely none of this is true but this person is sick in the head. It got to the point where I had to go to the police. Things stopped for a while but he started again a few months after. In the end I had to change my number. Thankfully most of our friends have wised up to his lies but there are the odd one or two who believed him.

Like you, it started out with stupid lies that I let go because they didn't really do any harm. When they started to have a direct affect on my life, I called him out. Just please be careful with this. It can turn very nasty, very quickly.

Taltos

LyndaMcL wrote: »

This can be closed now, mods. Again, thanks for all the fantastic advice. I really appreciate it.

As requested, if you need it re-opened please just contact any of us.

Taltos