and I keep going back

skinnygeness

so I met this guy in february dated on n off and I was always more into him than me. lately we got back in touch but whenever we see each other the attraction is too strong n we end up having sex. he made it clear he's happy single. I think that at some stage he's bound to want something more. he's very sweet n thoughtful n we msg every day, but I don't know whether I should stay or run. ran away before n it didn't work, I always come back. I think I'm in love with the guy to be honest. is there any point in me waiting? he's not going to want to be single forever surely!!

MugMugs

skinnygeness wrote: »

so I met this guy in february dated on n off and I was always more into him than me. lately we got back in touch but whenever we see each other the attraction is too strong n we end up having sex. he made it clear he's happy single. I think that at some stage he's bound to want something more. he's very sweet n thoughtful n we msg every day, but I don't know whether I should stay or run. ran away before n it didn't work, I always come back. I think I'm in love with the guy to be honest. is there any point in me waiting? he's not going to want to be single forever surely!!

Being blunt, he's getting exactly what he wants. I don't think you're doing yourself being at his beckon call especially considering how he is treating you.

I'd consider moving on and not facilitating contact with him anymore.

Piliger

skinnygeness wrote: »

so I met this guy in february dated on n off and I was always more into him than me. lately we got back in touch but whenever we see each other the attraction is too strong n we end up having sex. he made it clear he's happy single. I think that at some stage he's bound to want something more. he's very sweet n thoughtful n we msg every day, but I don't know whether I should stay or run. ran away before n it didn't work, I always come back. I think I'm in love with the guy to be honest. is there any point in me waiting? he's not going to want to be single forever surely!!

Hi OP. I'm not really clear on what you mean by single ... single as in monogamous dating ... or marriage ? And also if you are in your early twenties or late thirties. Because this would make a big difference in what commitment signifies.

It seems you are both enjoying yourselves and he is as much at your beck and call as you are him.

If the issue is monogamous dating then you need to consider the health issues and how you feel about him being with another women. Some people can cope with that, others cannot.

If you are talking about marriage .. it seems such a short time since February ? Most men are averse to committing to marriage if they are still in their twenties and it's understandable. It doesn't mean they are completely against it when the time comes.

skinnygeness

we're both in our early thirties. I don't mean marriage and I don't think he's seeing anybody else, but at some stage he's either gonna meet someone else or decide to go out with me. I don't think he's in it just for the sex, he says he's not and he's not manipulative I think he cares for me, just is happy not having to commit to anybody. dunno I feel confused

Glendambo

skinnygeness wrote: »

we're both in our early thirties. I don't mean marriage and I don't think he's seeing anybody else, but at some stage he's either gonna meet someone else or decide to go out with me. I don't think he's in it just for the sex, he says he's not and he's not manipulative I think he cares for me, just is happy not having to commit to anybody. dunno I feel confused

Have you told him that you want more than a f*ck buddy situation? Because make no mistake OP, that is what you have here.
If you believe that he knows you want more from him and he is still sleeping with you then he's not the seet and caring man you think he is. He is using you for sex.

If you haven't told him what you want and are instead letting him believe that you are quite happy with this set up then he's not using you.

The fact that you tried to stop this on a previous occasion leads me to believe that he is probably aware of your feelings but it happy to continue having sex with you despite this.

How low is your self-esteem OP? Talk to him and tell him how you feel. If he still won't move forward walk away.

LegacyUser

he made it clear he's happy single

sorry to be blunt here op but what he really means is his feelings for you aren't strong enough for him to want to commit to a proper relationship with you.

he's not going to want to be single forever surely!!

no probably not. I'm sure at some stage he will find a woman who he has such strong feelings for that he will want to commit to, unfortunately OP, that woman isn't you. If it was, well, he wouldn't still be single right now would he?

but at some stage he's either gonna meet someone else or decide to go out with me

He's already decided that he doesn't want to go out with you I'm afraid OP. That's why he didn't chase you when you ran away before, why he's told you he's happy to be single so that he's free to meet that someone else...

is there any point in me waiting?

Being brutal OP - No.

OP I'm not being nasty I've just been were you are before, for what it's worth it doesn't sound like he's being deceitful or manipulative to me, or treating you badly as the other poster implied. After all he's made it perfectly clear that he has no desire to have a relationship with you OP, he just wants to have sex with you.

Now OP sometimes when we're so smitten by a guy we choose what we want to hear, and ignore what we don't, but your choice to do so is not his fault.. OP if you actually listen to what this guy is telling you: he doesn't want a relationship with you - rather than justifying why he's saying it...it will save you a lot of heartache believe me.

It's time to walk away OP and allow yourself to find a guy who likes you as much as you like him instead of wasting time on one who doesn't.

Piliger

skinnygeness wrote: »

we're both in our early thirties. I don't mean marriage and I don't think he's seeing anybody else, but at some stage he's either gonna meet someone else or decide to go out with me. I don't think he's in it just for the sex, he says he's not and he's not manipulative I think he cares for me, just is happy not having to commit to anybody. dunno I feel confused

Hi again .. Well the problem really is that the situation as it is, is suiting both of you despite what people may think. You are both getting what you want out of it.

If you want to move to a monogamous BF/GF thing then you need to express that in actions and not in words. Right now you are basically doing exactly what he is doing and neither of you are either right or wrong .. it's just that there has been no actual reason for either of you to change.

So to get change, if you want it, you have to act. You need to talk with him and tell him that you care about him and want to stay with him and not anyone else ... and if he wants the same then he has to commit to that. It's not as if you are asking him to marry you.

But nothing will change OP until you take action and show you mean what you say ... if you indeed do So you need to set out your stall to him and then stay away until he makes his mind up - and he needs to do that within a day or two.

If commitment to a GF/BF situation is important to you and he won't commit, well there are thousands of other guys happy to commit - they do it every day. It's not a big thing you are expecting. So if you don't get it then you need to decide how much it matters to you ... and move on if that's your choice.

skinnygeness

thank you everybody, yes. indeed. he's a jerk, I think I'm pretty sure about that now.
I guess now the real problem stands in walking away. I haven't seen him in a month but we chat everyday, whether it's fb or text.

but he's a jerk, but am I going to walk away, is my self esteem that low, is my bad boy liking phase not over yet?
dammit

dellas1979

Well, why havent ye seen each other in a month? Is there a good reason?

Sounds like he is just "keeping you sweet" until next time he wants sex.

If you are up for no strings attached, fine. But you are already emotionally involved, and WHEN you stop contact, yes it will hurt for a while, but far better than getting more emotionally involved with someone who is making it clear he doesnt want a relationship.

Mickey Dazzler

Sounds like you're a booty call petal.

dellas1979

skinnygeness wrote: »

and he's not manipulative I think he cares for me

I know you are early 30s, but are you for real? He has played a very clever hand here - he "hasnt done anything wrong", but he isnt giving you what you want either. He is giving you enough to keep you sweet. Very clever man or very naieve girl if you ask me! But either way, yes he has played a good hand.

Piliger

Hi again OP. You might make a last play before writing him off ... let him know, by text, that you are seeing someone else on a date this week and say you are looking forward to seeing him as well next week .. see how he likes that kind of commitment .... that may sound a bit OTT but it has a very good chance of flushing him out.

rainbowtrout

skinnygeness wrote: »

we're both in our early thirties. I don't mean marriage and I don't think he's seeing anybody else, but at some stage he's either gonna meet someone else or decide to go out with me. I don't think he's in it just for the sex, he says he's not and he's not manipulative I think he cares for me, just is happy not having to commit to anybody. dunno I feel confused

No he's not. At some stage he will meet someone else and go out with them. If he wanted to go out with you, he would be doing so right now. At the moment he is sleeping with you, no strings attached. He can meet you when he wants on his terms without the need to commit to you. You will get hurt as you get more attached and he will still be getting what he wants. When it all comes to a head his reasoning will be 'well I told you at the start that I didn't want a relationship and you were fine with that, and I haven't changed my mind'

Ellsbells

Why is he a jerk? He made it clear to you he was happy single. You are the one who is ignoring what he is saying and trying to read something more into the fact he is sleeping with you.

Listen to what he is saying!!!

tinkerbell

skinnygeness wrote: »

I don't think he's in it just for the sex, he says he's not and he's not manipulative I think he cares for me, just is happy not having to commit to anybody. dunno I feel confused

Eh that's actually why he's into it - all it is for him is sex. If he wasn't "in it just for the sex" he'd be in a relationship with you. Sounds like he'll be never interested in a relationship with you ...

Meauldsegosha

skinnygeness wrote: »

thank you everybody, yes. indeed. he's a jerk, I think I'm pretty sure about that now.
I guess now the real problem stands in walking away. I haven't seen him in a month but we chat everyday, whether it's fb or text.

but he's a jerk, but am I going to walk away, is my self esteem that low, is my bad boy liking phase not over yet?
dammit

OP I think you need to read back over the posts here, no one called him a jerk or even implied it. This man was clear that he didn't want a relationship. Take some responsibility for your actions here, you choose to keep sleeping with him in the hope that one day he will want a relationship. You're in your 30's so you can't be that naive to believe that he is magically going to fall in love with you one day. Delete him from Facebook and don't reply to anymore of his texts. That's how you walk away from this situation.

SineadMarie

I know how easy its is to keep going back hoping if you spend time together that maybe things will change. The bottom line is this guy was just having his fun with you while he was free to do what he wanted. Why would he want to commit to you?? He made it clear he didnt want a relationship with you so least he was honest while some men are jerks i don't see him as one, i know you're angry hoping that something would come out of this but i think you've to just respect yourself more and move on. Don't contact him again and learn from this, you'll find Mr Right someday. Best of luck

I'm sorry, but I have to agree with what others are saying here. From what you've said, he was clear from the very beginning that he was happy being single and you seemed to be fine with it. Then you and he became friends-with-benefits, until you started to develop more feelings for him. It doesn't make him a jerk, nor does it make him the bad guy- neither of you are, it's just the unfortunate possible path that those type of situations take. You need to think whether you're happy with him, knowing it will likely go nowhere more, or if you're not and need to move on.

He might miss you, might ask you back, but you need the will power to say no. That's what it all boils down to really; will power. You need to make a decision and stick by it, regardless of what he says.

skinnygeness

fair enough, I guess it's very easy to judge when ur not in the situation, when I say he's a jerk I'm just referring to a little cruel jape he gave me a couple of nights ago.

cheers u lot

dellas1979

Alot of people here have been in your situation.

Jeebus, you are not the only one on the planet who has felt like they have been strung along like, but you are still finding ways to justify his and your behaviour "noone understands" milarkey. He has played his hand! He is showing you his cards.

Hes not in to you in an emotional way. Hes in it for sexual pleasure. He has made that clear.

Why are you still in contact with him if you want more? Why havent ye met in over a month?

If he wanted a relationship with you, he would have made it happen. What exactly are you hoping for? And what did he say to you in the text that now you are calling him a jerk?

Janet1986

If i were you i would block his number and send him a message on facebook telling him you want to call a halt to the 'meetings'.

Move on and find a nice guy who can offer you a relationship rather than a friends with benefits situation

Shelga

I am in the EXACT same situation as you at the moment OP. Occasionally I find myself similar things to you- "I just get this feeling that deep down he really wants me" etc, and I immediately mentally slap myself in the face and look at it from an outsider's point of view.

The sentence you need to tell yourself over and over again is, "He doesn't want me, and he never will."

We deserve guys who want to be 'official' with us- I'm not going down the cliched route of saying they're dicks, because they're not. However, the fact remains that we are both only getting a sliver of what will make us emotionally satisfied, and there's a very definite time limit on this kind of relationship.

Picturing him meeting someone else can also help...

LegacyUser

I had a crush on a male friend. My heart'd skip a beat if I got a text or a message from him. I even used to daydream about us being together and try to convince myself that things he'd said or written were signs that he fancied me too but somehow hadn't gotten around to asking me out. How pathetic is that?

What really really me was to keep saying to myself "He's not chasing you".
I just looked at my own situation and said "I'm single, he's single. He could ask me out if he wanted to. He isn't."

It's clear to me that this man is not interested in going out with you. There are two words that should be tacked onto the end of the line "I don't want a relationship". "With" and "You" are the words in question. In my experience, if a man wants to go out with you, they'll do something about it. It's highly unlikely he'd let you go weeks without meeting each other.