am i an awful girlfriend?

dibi

ok so i've been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years, we've been living together for the last year and a half, before that we stayed over in each others houses all the time. we're very close, we like each others company, couldn't be happier sitting in together watching movies etc. of course we go out and socialize with friends, sometimes together, sometimes separately, but mostly we choose to hang out together, we have the same opinions on how we socialize and how much we want to socialize etc. anyway this morning he messaged me saying a friend of ours had offered him a free ticket to a festival. this is a mutual friend by the way, but they know each other longer. anyway so straight away i was bummed about it. we had discussed going to this festival a while ago and decided we'd go if we had the money. but i guess it was presumed we weren't gonna go because it's next week and we hadn't discussed it since. so when he told me this, that our friend offered him a free ticket, i was like "so are you telling me you're going and i'm not" and he said no but then we had a big argument because i'm hurt that he'd go in the drop of a hat when offered a free ticket without consideration for me. it really really pissed me off...and obviously i feel guilty now for having a go but no matter how i try to rationalize with myself i can't let it go. i mean we go to festivals together, we're not the kind've couple who do things without the other, its not like he goes with the guys and i go with the girls, we're best friends and enjoy festivals, gigs and stuff, it's our thing. he got really mad at me when i told him i wasn't happy that he'd be fine to go without me. Anyway i don't even know if he's told out friend he's gonna go...but i can't help but feel he should understand where i'm coming from..if i had been offered a ticket my first reaction would be "can my boyfriend come" and i wouldn't go without him...is it not reasonable for me to be upset over this? In the end I said go, but not without making sure he knows i won't be happy about it. You're probably gonna say i'm being ridiculous but i'm hurt and i just keep thinking i wouldn't go without him. I feel like i've just been pushed to the side to make way for a free ticket to a festival.

Big Bag of Chips

I think you're being a little bit unreasonable. I understand that you say you go to festivals together, and you are best friends and do everything together - but sometimes it's nice to have seperate interests.

To be fair to him, he has been offered an amazing opportunity, a free ticket. You both said you'd like to go, but couldn't afford it. Now he has a way of going without having to pay for it. I think you should be delighted for him for having the good luck of being offered a free ticket. (If you were offered one free ticket, I think it would be very bad manners to ask for another one so your bf could go to!)

Again, I want to stress, I do understand that you are a bit annoyed - but instead of being annoyed at what you don't have, you should be happy for him that he has gotten a nice little unexpected bonus. If you are annoyed at him and make it difficult for him to go (by sulking and making him feel guilty) he may end up annoyed at you that you couldn't just be happy for him this once off, special occurence.

Tell him you hope he enjoys the weekend (and try to mean it!)

ifumust82

Can ye not go halves on another ticket so ye both get to go??

meeeeh

I don't know, personally I wouldn't be overly upset. But if you are, you have two options, either say no and be done with it or say yes and stop sulking. It's unfair to say yes and then complain so the other person feels really guilty.

Aint Eazy Being Cheezy

ifumust82 wrote: »

Can ye not go halves on another ticket so ye both get to go??

This is the simplest solution.

ash23

I think you're being a bit horrible to be honest. You're jealous and that is normal enough but I don't think you should be angry at him for wanting to go without you. And you don't even know whether he agreed to go or not which makes your anger even more irrational.

imo a partner should be someone who supports and encourages you when a good opportunity arises, not someone who holds you back because they don't have the same opportunity.
You say you wouldn't go without him but I think you'd be pretty p!ssed off with him if he prevented you from going instead of encouraged you.

Be happy for him, wave him off with a smile and arrange to do something for yourself that weekend. I don't think it's right for a couple to be totally joined at the hip. You should both have your own things aswell as the things you enjoy doing together.

username123

dibi wrote: »

.....In the end I said go, but not without making sure he knows i won't be happy about it.....

Gawd, this is the pits. If you are going to agree to something at least have the maturity/manners to do so with good grace. Thats like something a small child would do! Youve basically thrown your toys out of the pram, pouted and tried to rob any enjoyment he will have from going by sulking about it. BUT - he can still go - thats called emotional manipulation. You cant be blamed for not letting him go because that would be too much to bear, so you are going to make sure he feels so bad that he wont go. Terrible really, especially after a 3 year relationship.

I can totally understand you feel a bit miffed btw, but your conflict resolution could do with some maturity upgrading.

Simplest solution - go halves on another ticket.

Toast4532

You are being very unreasonable and childish in my opinion.

You weren't going because you couldn't afford to go, now your boyfriend was offered a free ticket and you are annoyed because you weren't offered and your boyfriend was and now he is going because of it?

If it was the other way around - if you were offered the ticket, would your boyfriend be mad and make you feel guilty? Would he make a point of letting you know he wasn't happy about it? Would he make you feel guilty about going like you did him?

It's nice to do things without your partner too, there will be plenty of other festivals and events that you can both go too, so don't get hung up about not going to this one.

You need to apologise to him ASAP, your behaviour is shameful and childish in my opinion.

ifumust82 wrote: »

Can ye not go halves on another ticket so ye both get to go??

Why should the boyfriend go halves on a ticket so his girlfriend gets to go as well? If she can't afford to go, then she shouldn't go. She shouldn't be relying on her boyfriend to fund part of it either, he has himself to pay for (drinks, transport, etc) without paying for his girlfriend as well.

ash23 wrote: »

I think you're being a bit horrible to be honest. You're jealous and that is normal enough but I don't think you should be angry at him for wanting to go without you. And you don't even know whether he agreed to go or not which makes your anger even more irrational.

imo a partner should be someone who supports and encourages you when a good opportunity arises, not someone who holds you back because they don't have the same opportunity.
You say you wouldn't go without him but I think you'd be pretty p!ssed off with him if he prevented you from going instead of encouraged you.

Be happy for him, wave him off with a smile and arrange to do something for yourself that weekend. I don't think it's right for a couple to be totally joined at the hip. You should both have your own things aswell as the things you enjoy doing together.

This, 100%.

You sound very immature OP.

BraziliaNZ

Just putting myself in your shoes, I'd be delighted I didn't have to go, I hate festivals!
Anyway, can't you let him do his own thing for a weekend? Terrible behaviour on your part in my opinion, if a girl started going on at me like that I'd certainly tell her where to go. Let him enjoy himself, you should be glad you have a weekend to yourself for God's sake, you might get married some day and have to look at his ugly kisser for the rest of your life! How you'd appreciate a free weekend then...

ManOfMystery

I agree with the posters above. You're being childish and unreasonable. Your boyfriend has been offered a great opportunity - a single free ticket to a festival he'd like to attend. Why exactly should he not go? Just because you can't go? Tough. What harm will it do? The festival will come and go and there'll be a thousand more you can attend as a couple. Most couples still have things they do on their own, it keeps relationships healthy ......... being in each others pockets and doing everything together is stifling for many people.

It's not like he actively sough to go there deliberately without you, or like he's going to Australia for 6 months. Most people would be happy for their other half, but you're letting your jealousy (and dare I say it, possessiveness) cloud your judgement. One of my exes went on a lot (in general) like you have in this situation, and that's why she's now an ex.

dibi wrote: »

In the end I said go, but not without making sure he knows i won't be happy about it.

I consider this quite immature and also a tad spiteful. I think you need to remember that your boyfriend is not your possession - he does not need your permission to go anywhere. He's already been considerate by letting you know about the friend's offer before he accepted it. You're simply voicing your disapproval so that he'll feel as bad as possible if he does go. Can't you be happy for this person you're meant to care about?

Gooner111

The dynamic of your relationship has been doing everything together (barring the odd night out separately with friends) so I can see why your hurt and upset over the matter but yes you are being unreasonable. Blowing up and fighting with your partner for accepting a free ticket from a friend isn't going to make him see why you have reacted as you have done. He will get angry and stubborn over it adn fight with you. Had you discussed it rationally with him prehaps he'd have seen your point of view and checked if there were extra tickets for you to come along too. Even for couples who do everything together a time will come when they have a chance of doing something separately... ie you could get invited on a girls weekend away to a festival/spa/hen party/something!! Would you be happy if got upset over this and made a big deal of you deciding to go????

Apologise for blowing up on him and explain why you reacted as you did. Then send him off with your blessing so that he will have a good time. It is normal that you's will do some things separately from time to time.

Piliger

Hi OP. I agree with others that you are over reacting a bit - however I think, from your post, that it is arising from the fact that you are in a very claustrophobic relationship whereby you are living in each other's pockets too much imho. It is very satisfying for a period because there is a lot of passion and intensity, but over time it restricts both of your abilities to grow and develop as individual people.
Everyone needs time alone, with friends. It's part of developing as a human being - and it enhances and enriches a relationship.

Kidchameleon

dibi wrote: »

In the end I said go, but not without making sure he knows i won't be happy about it.

If he goes he'll probably spend the entire time thinking about that^^. Not a good situation at all. OP, if I were you I'd apologize, this kind of crap kills relationships.

Daisy M

Honestly you are two individuals not one person and you need to start behaving as such. I have been with my husband since I was 17 and even though we do a lot together we also do things separately with friends and family.

Your boyfriend was given a kind offer by a friend and you have gone and taken the good out of it. He is an individual in his own right and should be able to hang out with his friends without having to get your permission. He is not a child and you are not his mammy.

MissFlitworth

That seems like such a mean thing to do to someone, just kill all the good from a nice thing that happens to them. Would you rather he didn't go at all just because there isn't another free ticket for you? You said you wouldn't have gone without him but I can bet you he wouldn't thank you for that or think you were sweet for doing it because it'd just be a senseless sacrifice/martyrdom on your part. So you don't get to spend one weekend together, you live together, you get to see each other all the time.

Seriously, you should apologise to your boyfriend and if you can't be happy for him that he's going, fake it.

gara

Shame on you for throwing a tantrum because your boyfriend is daring to have a life beyond you. He is simply hanging out with his friends, one of the most normal things in the world and how you even think you have grounds to be peeved about that is utterly beyond me.

He is an autonomous person in his own right -he is not your possession and you do not own him. Feeling distraught about something so menial is not normal. This is your issue, so stop making him suffer because of it. Work on your self-esteem and pursue your own interests so you aren't so dependant on your boyfriend and don't allow your insecurities to destroy the relationship

Beetlebum

Get a grip OP...you have no right to throw your toys out of the pram over this.
If I was offered a free ticket to a festival and my bf got annoyed with me for accepting it I'd tell him to grow up and f*ck off!

Sure I'd be happier if he was going too but if that wasn't possible then I'd expect him to be happy for me. You're jealous, simply as and possibly a bit insecure that he'll get up to no good.

Time apart is good for couples. Just enjoy having time to yourself and stop being so selfish.

nowyouresix

yes.

RoscommonTom

Immature shelfish and jealous, apologise to him before he goes off there in a huff and ends up in a tent with anouther young one, its not fair to make him feel bad about some good fortune.

Mighty_Mouse

Jealously is natural. Obviously you are going to be slightly green that your bf has managed to nab this opportunity.

Your reaction points to some deeper relationship issues.
There's obviously a co-dependence issue here.
It sounds to me that you were intially surprised, shocked that your BF might go without you?
To me, this indicates that his sudden independence was unexpected and it unsettled you greatly.

Regardless, is not on to emotionally blackmail your bf?

As regards the co-dependence stuff.
Be careful ot you will end up with a broken man devoid of all independence & spontanity. It ain't pretty!

Ickle Magoo

Alright folks,

Please remember there are real people behind these threads - and they posted here to get constructive advice on how to improve their situation, not to get petty insults thrown at them.

If you cannot formulate responses in a civil, mature and constructive manner, kindly refrain from posting here.


As per site rules, any comment on or discussion about this post should be conducted only via PM.

P. Breathnach

I feel sympathy for OP.

First, I see where she is coming from with her sense of disappointment and feeling a bit betrayed by her boyfriend. If going that sort of festival is their thing, then his going without her can feel like being stood up - a feeling that most of us have probably experienced and not enjoyed.

Then she gets mobbed here.

gara

P. Breathnach wrote: »

I feel sympathy for OP.
If going that sort of festival is their thing, then his going without her can feel like being stood up - a feeling that most of us have probably experienced and not enjoyed.

Not most of us beyond the age of ten. Mature adults tend to realise that things don't always go their way nor do they use it as a reason to make other people's lives miserable. He's only going to a festival with friends for God's sake, not Ibiza for a month

jimmycrackcorm

To answer your thread title OP, your actions do not make you an awful girlfriend, just lacking the maturity in understanding that there's a lot of independence between two people in a relationship.

ifumust82

ifumust82 wrote: »

Can ye not go halves on another ticket so ye both get to go??

Quote "Why should the boyfriend go halves on a ticket so his girlfriend gets to go as well? If she can't afford to go, then she shouldn't go. She shouldn't be relying on her boyfriend to fund part of it either, he has himself to pay for (drinks, transport, etc) without paying for his girlfriend as well."



Well if this is something they had both wanted to go to then it might sweeten the deal by going halves on another ticket where they'd both get to enjoy it. I know that's what I'd do if my partner really wanted to go to something and I ended up with a free ticket.
And who said she has to rely on him for all the other stuff?? It would probably cost them less as a couple then as an individual going on their own.

BunShopVoyeur

Just putting this out there.

I have in the past, bought myself a ticket and waited until the last minute to tell the g/f at the time that a friend had given it to me for free.

It was a hassle free way of getting away to a festival alone with my friends.


Horrible? Yes but something to think about.

Lollipops23

OP it was a nasty reaction on your part; your boyfriend was lucky enough to have something nice happen him and you threw a tantrum.

If my OH had gotten a free ticket I would prob slag him a bit and call him a lucky git, but that'd be the end of it. How do you expect to create a loving and long lasting relationship if a) you can't be happy for each other when something nice happens and b) you can't spend a weekend apart and do ALL of your socialising together?

I suggest you apologise to him and make some fun plans of your own for the weekend.

homerjay2005

ifumust82 wrote: »

Can ye not go halves on another ticket so ye both get to go??

this is exactly it. normally id be on the side of the man as i think women in general are very unreasonable when it comes to certain things ( ) but on this occasion i think the lad has acted very unreasonably here and selfish.

him offering to go halves on another ticket is the most logical way and i cant believe he didnt offer this. the girl has every right to be pissed off IMO unless she is not telling the full picture.

BraziliaNZ

Maybe he wants to do something on his own for a change? Is that wrong? No!

Sleepy

OP, make sure you apologise to him properly and sort this out with him before he goes off to the festival. Otherwise he's going to be there with his mates, most likely intoxicated and surrounded by women his own age whilst thinking about whether or not he wants to be with a clingy girlfriend. Absolute recipe for disaster imo.

Mighty_Mouse

we had discussed going to this festival a while ago and decided we'd go if we had the money. but i guess it was presumed we weren't gonna go because it's next week and we hadn't discussed it since.

drop of a hat when offered a free ticket without consideration for me.

This makes no sense. He got offered a freebie, last minute?
You are using every trick in the book to make him feel bad.
Just shovelling on the guilt-trip.

It's illogical to expect for him to ask for a second free ticket for his GF?
And regardless, maybe the thought of being free & independent wandering through a festival for a few days really appeals to him. Would this be such a bad thing?

i was like "so are you telling me you're going and i'm not" and he said no

This part worries me.
It's clear he was saying "No" trying to appease you, already in fear of your reaction, afraid of telling you.

we're not the kind've couple who do things without the other

Say's who. Have you directly asked him how he feels about this?

he got really mad at me when i told him i wasn't happy that he'd be fine to go without me.

and i wouldn't go without him.

This is just emotional manipulation 101.
As in..... "you clearly don't love me, in the same way, as I do you".

- Give the man his freedom. Stop chaining him down and needing him to need you 24/7.
- Op, Relax. You are 3 years in. The relationship is going well. Time to start growing up and leave the unreasonable childish behaviour behind you.


Of course he is going to have lot's of fun & stories without you?
See awesome gigs, make friends with strangers, dance til dawn surrounded by scantily dressed hotties........... But so what?

woodchuck

To be honest I might have initially felt the same way you did (jealous/dissappointed), but you need to learn to think before you speak. It's one thing feeling the way you do/did but it's another thing entirely to give him an unnecessary guilt trip about it.

I'm hoping since you've had time to think about it and seen everyones posts that you can just be happy for him and apologise for the way you acted. If you still think you're in the right... well then I think you must still have a lot of growing up to do.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I just hope that you have had time to read all this, apologise for being petty and tell him you really do hope he enjoys himself, BEFORE he gives the ticket back to his friend.

If he gives away the ticket, just to please you, I think that will be seriously bad news for your relationship.

Lorrs33

Sleepy wrote: »

OP, make sure you apologise to him properly and sort this out with him before he goes off to the festival. Otherwise he's going to be there with his mates, most likely intoxicated and surrounded by women his own age whilst thinking about whether or not he wants to be with a clingy girlfriend. Absolute recipe for disaster imo.

Are you suggesting that if she doesn't apologise her boyfriend will cheat on her? That's ludicrous. Not every argument leads to cheating, especially not in this situation.

OP, I sympathise with you. This would upset me, but from what I've learned in my own experience is that it's not worth letting it build up inside you and blinding you to what is really important: your relationship. Let your boyfriend know that you're hurt and that if this situation arises again you expect him to show a little more consideration.

Sleepy

No, I was suggesting that while at a festival where the other girls he meets will be having fun and enjoying themselves, the clingy girlfriend at home will begin to look far less attractive than those girls. Maybe he'll cheat on her with one of them but assuming he's a decent bloke, he'll behave himself and break up with her when he gets home.

No man wants a jealous, clingy girlfriend. Those traits are absolute poison for a relationship.

lingardx

OP, you need to sit your boyfriend down and tell him you are sorry for acting selfish and childish.

time apart is healthy and if anything will strength your relationship. if i got offered a free ticket i'd probably turn it down because i hate festivals though i'd never expect my boyfriend too, infact i'd probably buy him beer to take with him and phone up the girls for a night in.

you don't NEED to do everything together, a max of three days apart isn't going to break your relationship but acting the way you are probably will