Don't know where to go from here..

sunflower260

Hi everyone,

I've noticed a few posts along the same lines but I'm really hoping for some individual advice if anyone could help? I've been with my boyfriend for five years and we have a toddler, we're both in our early twenties, and we live together. All in all, I feel as though I should be happy but I'm not and I haven't been for a long time. He cheated when our baby was only a few months old, it only ended after I found out, that was two years ago. I didn't break up with him, though in hindsight I believe I should have. I was very young and terrified at the thought of being a single mother, I didn't think I'd be able to do it on my own. I truly loved him, even after all he had done, during the months he was cheating he was vile. He was nasty, he constantly put me down and was never home. Only after finding out did I realise how many times I had been so close to catching him, how many times he had lied and how well he had lied. Anyway, we stayed together, he made all sorts of promises and for a while it was fine. Fast forward six months and things started going downhill again, we were fighting and he was spending the majority of his time out drinking. Eventually I broke up with him and finally felt as though I was getting back to my old self. Everyone was commenting on this. He was with a lot of other girls, and I was insanely jealous. I started seeing someone and for a while I thought I could forget about him but I couldn't. I even thought I was falling in love with this other guy, but that complicated matters even more. I felt as though I was only happy being away from my ex because I liked this other guy so much and that was blurring my decision. Of course I didn't know him so well so I wondered if I would like him so much after a period of time or whether it was just a novelty of someone actually being nice to me and making me feel special. In the end I broke his heart and went back to my ex, that was a year ago. I'm so confused, the last year has not been great. We fight constantly, I don;t trust him, I'm driving myself crazy. I don't know if I love him anymore, but at the same time I'm scared of letting him go. I'm scared I'll never find anyone else and I don't want my child to grow up with broken up parents. But then I'm so young I don't want to regret wasting time on a relationship that wasn't worth it. I'm miserable at the moment. He's not a bad person, he's really not and in some ways I do love him but I don't know if he's the 'one' anymore. In an ideal world, we'd sort it out and be together but right now I don't see it happening. He's as miserable as I am and constantly talking about breaking up. I'm really at the end of my tether and feeling like the last two years of this relationship has been a joke. I know a lot of you might think I've answered my own question but unfortunately it's not that black and white and I'm really scared of making the wrong decision!

Help!

Gooner111

Hey there OP

Doesn't matter what age you are. There is always hope of finding someone new.

You decided to give things another go but, by the sounds of things, without resolving the old issues first. Given emotions are high and the history I'd imagine it is very hard to forgive and decide if you love him or not, probably the same for him. I think too many things have happened between you two to clear up yourselves but talking calmly and making an effort to improve things can be started. I'd suggest couple (maybe individual too) counselling. A place where the two of you can talk and try work out your issues and emotions and see if you's want the relationship to work. EDIT: Of course he will have to agree and make an effort for this happen

Ultimately you have to put your happiness first. Your child will be happier having two separated happy parents than two depressed fighting parents.

sunflower260

Thank you for your reply. Unfortunately we unsuccessfully tried couple's counselling last year when we got back together. After one session he refused to go back as he didn't like feeling 'like the bad guy'. I went once on my own which only caused arguments so I stopped going. I know we haven't resolved the old issues, I try my best but his approach is to just forget about it, something which I find very difficult!

Gooner111

Its hard to forget about the past especially when the issues have not been resolved. For me it is wrong of him to just expect you to forget about it and to move on. He is the one who should be making an effort to help you forgive him, trust him again and move forward. And as things stand that isn't happening.

Given he is unwilling to give you what you need then I think you should be ending things and concentrating on yourself and your child. But if that is too drastic as of now then talk to him one more time and see if you two can work out a way to save the relationship.