To work or not?

Hannaho

I am a 45 year old mother of two children aged 11 and 9, I moved down the country for a job wich didn't work out due to bullying and also it turned out that the organisation was having financial troubles and the contract wasn't worth the paper it was written on.

I have now gotten a permanent pensionable job back in Dublin. It is shift work - I hate the work, but need the money, and also don't have any pension for the future. The salary is good e45000 with 10 per cent shift allowance on top of this.

The job is only 13 days per month, because it is shift work. For four of those days the children will be with their dad - he has them every second weekend. The rest of the time, the children will be minded at home with an au pair. My neighbour come over and stay if I have to do nights so that the au pair is ok and has some support in case anythign goes wrong. My neighbours on both sides are really great, and I am also partof a very supportive church community here, whose members are always ready to help out in an emergency.

The probelm is that it is 100 km commute each way, and I'm already tired with the journey. I;m thinking of staying over one night a week in Dublin, when I am working two days in a row.

I have to do 7 nights on and 7 nights off which would be a nightmare, but I believe there are always other staff who will take nights, so I might end up doing very few nights.

I'm afraid not to continue with the job as I need the money, but also I;m 45, will be 45 in October, and I;m getting on, so my job options, even if there were no recession, might be limited.

The other solution is to go back and run the family pub, which was left to me, but has been closed for the past year. I don't know if it would make enough to live on, but at least I would be home with mty kids, though I could probably kiss any sort of pension goodbye.

Sorry for long post. Any advice would be welcome. I should also mention that ex is threatening to try and get custody of kids if I work away from home. He has alsways been difficult about everythigng. The kids have always been with me and want to stay with me.

Really, any advice/comments would be really appreciated.

ash23

Just start a private pension if you think running the pub and being at home would be a better option?
Will you be able to transfer the pension you've paid into or will you be starting from scratch?

How was the pub doing before it was left to you? A lot of pubs are closing at the moment.

I think you should get some good financial advice to be honest. I can imagine being at home would be great but not if it means poverty.
Would selling the pub be an option? You could use the proceeds as a nest egg for your retirement and then look for work in your field closer to home?

username123

Im inclined to agree broadly with ash23.

Just some other questions:
If you are considering moving back to run the pub, why not move back for the shift job? Is child care the issue here?

How long are you doing the 100km commute? Is it something you could get used to and just a bit of an initial shock?

Totally agree re selling the pub - why keep it if its closed?

On staying 1 night in Dublin - I dont see why not, your children are old enough to be fine with that surely?

looksee

Seems a pity to have a pub/building of any sort standing there doing nothing while you are paying for commuting, accommodation and associated costs.

Do you want to run a pub? Do you feel competent to run one?

What sort of pub is it, does it have a regular clientelle that would come back to you, is there a population locally to support it? How many other pubs are there in the area? Would you get a license? Could you do food. Do you have the kind of interest and imagination that would get 'events' going to bring people in? Is it in a tourist area. Could you do accommodation/would you want to? How much work does it need to make it useable? Is there reasonable family accommodation? Do you have/could you get a bit of capital to get it off the ground again.

And back to the most important question - do you want to do it?

afkasurfjunkie

could you move nearer the job? you say you only moved down the country for a job that didnt work out. would moving back be an option?

Hannaho

Hi! Everyone, thanks for all your replies and sorry that it took so long to reply - just so busy with kids, work and start of school.

The situation is that I can't move back to Dublin as childcare is an issue. Firstly it's about a third more expensive than the country, and also it is much harder to get for shift hours. There is plenty of aferschool care in Dublin, but hardly any childcare that covers shift hours. When I was in Dublin before and my ex let me down re taking the children at weekends - usually at very short notice - there was absolutely no one who could take them for the weekend, even someone I could pay to do it and not necessarily just family. When my ex let me down re kids at weekends, I would just have to ring in sick which IT hated doing.

Down the country where I am now, there are lots of people willing to do odd shift hours - possibly because jobs are a lot less plentiful down the country, and of course the recession is also making an impact. I also have great back up for emergencies and my neighbours are absolutely wonderful - it's a row of houses where the neighbours are all over 60 and we are the youngest there. The neighbours have collected my kids from the bus when my childminder was suddenly sick, they cut my grass, put out my bins, and one of them even made a dog kennel for us.

I really need the job. Unfortunately, my kids are already saying that they don't want me to stay over in Dublin every second week for one night, even though my neighbour, who they know very well, and are really fond of, comes in to stay the night with them. The other neighbour is our childminder and brings them to and from school.

I really feel pulled in all directions and need some advice/comments urgently. I seem to be unable to work and please my kids. My kids's dad is threatening to get custody of them because I am working some distance away - very acrimonious on his part and alwasy threatening me. Yet, I need to work, I have no pension, and have only worked part-time since I had the children, or not at all for the last two years. I really feel I need to get back to work and have some sort of life, financial and professional of my own. I am a nurse by profession but also have two degress and a masters degree.

The shift work is horrible though - but the place I work is absolutely lovely as are the staff - a great place to work. However, most of the others end up doing two weeks of 7 night on and 7 off per month and then two weeks of days followed by a two week stint of 7 nights on and 7 off of night. This would be imposible for me to do especially lvi8ng some distance away from my job. However, it would also be impossible for me to do if I was living in Dublin, as I could not get a childminder to do those constantly changing and irregular hours. If I go the au pair route, and I have in the past, you get great au pairs who can manage your children and have some authority over them, but you can also get very poor au pairs. In any case my daughter does not want anyone else minding her at night except me - this makes doing nights impossible. Any advice here would be hugely appreciated - as I'm at the end of my tether with being pulled in all dreictions by so their needs, my own need to work, and their dad's threats.

Re. the pub. My dad closed it because it was making very little money and he just found it so stressful. He then leased it to a Dublin guy who lasted a year - I think he did a better trade than my dad - he was younger and had more new ideas. However, he left because he felt the pub really didn't provide enough of a realistic profit after everyting was paid.

There is also a shop and petrol four courts beside the pub - but these have been leased to someone and there are three more years remaining on the Lease. Because it is leased, I don't have turnover figures, but I believe it does a good trade.

I am afraid if I open the pub again - I don't have any capital to do anything with it - that my kids will be saying I still don't spend as much time with them as they want, and that they will be alo upstaris in the pub, while I am downstaris working until all hours of the morning.

I also need this permanent job as I had cancer two years ago, and in case I get sick again, I need to keep my income protection in place, which means working. Because of my illness, I am also mindful that I need to keep my stamps in order in case I need to claim Illness Benefit at any stage in the future.

I could come home on the night when I have two shifts togethr - every second week - but I would be wrecked - I would only be home at 9.30 p.m. and would have to get up at 5.00 a.m. to leave mby 5.45 the next day. It means a lot to me in terms of a good night's sleep and generally feeling well, to stay over in Dublin one night every second weekend - I will be staying with my sister on these midweek nights.

Any advice would be much appreciated. I feel like I am being pulled and dragged in every direction, but the direction I really should go in. I'm begining to feel guilty re. the kids. also - but I have to earn a living and can't be there for them 24/7. This week coming I am working Monday, but will be at home Tuesday, and able to bring and collect them from school. I am working Wednesday, but will be able to bring them to school and collect them on both Thursday and Friday. On the weekend their dad has them and I will be working.

Would really appreciate some comments and common sense advice. Sorry for long post.

edellc

OP your in a very tricky situation tbh honest, your kinda damned if you do and damned if you dont.

I think you need to sit down and write out the pros and cons of each of your scenarios so you can get a clear indication of where everything is.

If it does turn out that you need to stay one night in Dublin then you need to sit down with your kids and tell them why you need to do this in a grown up manner.

I think you are going to have to seriously look into having an au pair, yes there are good and bad but its up to you as a mother to find a good one and someone who your kids will grow to trust over time, unfortunately we can not all have our cake and eat it and sacrifices have to be made if you do want it all and that means either your kids suffer to a degree or your job does, so its about which is more important really.

As for the ex and his treats he is just concerned about his kids and who is looking after them when you are not there and he has every right to know and be concerned about this, you didnt make them by yourself. Can you sit down with him and talk about the current set up and see if he could have the kids for more days of the week?

Hannaho

Hi! Edellec, thanks for your reply.

Yes I am dammed if I do, and dammed if I don't!

If my job suffers, we live in poverty, it's that simple. I have taken so much time off with the children, I really can't take any more time off.

Re. my ex, unfortunately, it is not out of concern that my ex is threatening to get custody of children - it's just about getting back at me because I ended the relationship. The children said this and I had never talked badly about him at all. It was a very abusive relationship, and social work had to get involved at one point as the children were not being fed at his house, bathed, etc. Because of the way he has treated the children, they no longer want to visit him - and a psychologist is coming to see them. This doesn't stop him though continually threatening to apply for custody of the children.

Thanks again for your reply - it's great to have other perspectives on the situation.

Ellsbells

Op well done for managing so well.

I dint think you should give up the job. You need to explain to the kids why you have to stay overnight and that the job gives you more freedom and a better income than another 9 to 5 job.

You will get used to the commute and I think the best thing now is for you to secure your future with this job.

Seraphina

I think you need to be realistic here. You need money coming in, and with this job you are actually working very little for the money you are getting. Yes they are long days, I'll bet the commute is a bitch and it's pretty tiring, but it's only 13 days a month for 45k! I'd kill for that! You say you've not been working for two years, so getting back into any kind of work is going to be difficult, especially if it's got long and irregular hours. However you'll get used to it, and as you know yourself, you can't continue to not work or soon you may find yourself unable to get any work!

The kids are going to moan about something either way. I know it must be upsetting to have them saying they don't want you to go and they don't want other people minding them, but they don't understand how the world works, that bills need to be paid etc.

My dad wasn't around much when I was younger. Would be gone to work before I was up, I'd be in bed before he was home. It used to make me angry when I was a child, but as I got older I understood and appreciated that he was working hard because he loved us and because he wanted to be able to provide the best for us. They won't resent you for it when they're older, and working 13 days a month with this job, while you may have to spend some nights in Dublin, won't take up nearly as much time as trying to run a pub will.

The pub, frankly doesn't sound like the best idea unless you have experience running one. You'll need capital to do it up for a re-open, and after being closed for a year it's likely you'll need to make some big changes to attract customers. The hours will be even more unsocial than the current job, and you'll have staff and stock and books to manage (unless you pay a manager which is going to cost you a chunk for a good one) which can be quite complicated.

How long have you been in the job? I think you should give it a while longer and see if the commute gets any easier before you pack it in.

Re: the ex. You are working to provide for your children, and will have an au pair or childminder and a stable network of close neighbours to take care of them when you're not around. You are not gone THAT much, yes he is hassling you, but I don't think he would be able to get custody just because you're working in Dublin.

jimmycrackcorm

You'll have a good opportunity in three years time to take over from the station and shop lease. That with the public and some effort will pay off. In the meantime I think you'll have to suck it up.

Hannaho

Hi! Ellsbells and Serphina, thanks for your replies.

Seraphina, yes I don't see any other way but to take the job. It's really good money, and with allowances, e.g. Saturday and Sunday premium, is actually around 50k.

I will actually only be away from my kids for 9 days a month - as their dad has them the other 4 weekend days.

It's really just coping with ex threats. He is threatening to have the Court (he has applied already) order us back to Dublin, as my job went after only 3 months down the country - I was being bullied - shouted at etc on a daily basis, and after 2 months there, the organisation was telling people they were going to have to let some of them go, as their HSE funding was reduced by 90 per cent.

However, my kids are adamant they don't want to return to Dublin.. They bothed hated living there. They love the country as there are so many outdoor activities to get involved in, and they are so much cheaper. For me, childcare is much easier and cheaper also down the country.

Daisy M

Hi Hannah, I know your children are young but have you tried talking with them and explaining as much as possible the choices you are faced with and the repercussions you will face if you do not work? You do not need to overburden them just explain the facts as simply as possible. Possibly if they can understand why you need to work away then it will make it easier.

For what its worth I think you should try out this job, set a period of 6 months and see how you get on by then a pattern will have emerged and you will have a better idea how many nights you will be needed to work and how often you will stay overnight in Dublin. I think the pub will take over your life and even on the days you are not working you will be thinking about it all the time.