Completely messed with her head

LegacyUser

Just hoping for some advice

I was a complete d**k when it came to the way i treated a girl and dont know how to make it right

I'll try my best to explain the situation

Was friends with this girl and we started hooking up on nights out after i chased her she became absolutely crazy about me and i knew it so i would come and go as i pleased and would always come back to her and she would let me whenever it came to a chat about what we were i would say im not ready for a relationship but to see how it goes, she fell out with her best friends and family over disagreements about the way i treated her and also became clinically depressed i recently seen her around and there is literally nothing left inside of her you can just see shes empty inside and lost a load of weight shes gone to skin and bones, I just cant get it around my head that i did this to a girl over the past eight months and don't know how to approach it shes a gorgeous girl and the most sweetest friendliest girl you could ever meet any guy would be lucky to have her and plenty did try but she turned them all away hoping someday i would cop on... Ive literally broken her heart and ruined her life. But I now want to get back with her and show her the love she deserves

Should i try make things right and talk to her and say sorry or what should i do?

LegacyUser

Regret2012 wrote: »

Just hoping for some advice

I was a complete d**k when it came to the way i treated a girl and dont know how to make it right

I'll try my best to explain the situation

Was friends with this girl and we started hooking up on nights out after i chased her she became absolutely crazy about me and i knew it so i would come and go as i pleased and would always come back to her and she would let me whenever it came to a chat about what we were i would say im not ready for a relationship but to see how it goes, she fell out with her best friends and family over disagreements about the way i treated her and also became clinically depressed i recently seen her around and there is literally nothing left inside of her you can just see shes empty inside and lost a load of weight shes gone to skin and bones, I just cant get it around my head that i did this to a girl over the past eight months and don't know how to approach it shes a gorgeous girl and the most sweetest friendliest girl you could ever meet any guy would be lucky to have her and plenty did try but she turned them all away hoping someday i would cop on... Ive literally broken her heart and ruined her life. But I now want to get back with her and show her the love she deserves

Should i try make things right and talk to her and say sorry or what should i do?

I am not trying to make you feel even more guilty - but men like yourself really rub me up the wrong way..
I am glad you realised what you've done and are man enough to step up and make it right.

Part of me thinks you should come clean about everything and give her the most sincere deepest apology
But the other half of me thinks this girl will just crumble if you tell her the truth!

Coming from a woman in late 20's - if it was me, I would be absolutely infuriated - but at least you are decent enough to recognise the mistakes you made. Most men would be in denial!

All I can say is maybe bring her out for a meal and take things slow and gentle as she is definitely fragile as a result of your actions.

One more thing - if you are going to commit to this girl, be very wary of how you treat her in future as it could blow up in your face - again

Good luck!

Lorna123

That's certainly a turn on your part and I have not seen many relationships make a turnaround like this. I am sure that this girl would be thrilled to have you apologise and try and make amends but make sure before you approach her that this is what you want, and not just reassurance from her that she is still crazy about you.

ash23

But I now want to get back with her and show her the love she deserves

Leave her alone until she gets herself back on track. A relationship is the last thing she needs if she is clinically depressed. She needs to get herself well, without you.

You should feel bad over the way you treated her. It's not good to treat people like sh!t. However, she is also responsible for herself and her own life and she needs to get herself together.

You getting with her, no good can come of it. You will never be able to have a normal relationship with her because you will be too afraid to say boo to her in case she falls apart again.

Learn from what you did to her, don't treat other people like crap just because you can. But let her get on with her recovery without complicating it for her.

Catari Jaguar

Regret2012 wrote: »

But I now want to get back with her and show her the love she deserves

Yea well, you had your chance. You need do stay well away from her.

Regret2012 wrote: »

Should i try make things right and talk to her and say sorry or what should i do?

You should apologise to her. Apologise to her friends and family too. Give her closure by admitting you treated her badly and she deserve someone much much better than you.

Under no circumstance give her reason to think that you two have a future and you want to get back together. You ****ed with her head enough.

decmanning

Maybe you should just walk away and never speak to her again, sounds like you've messed with this girl enough, you need to walk away and let the people who actually care about her help her recover, you've admitted that you have ruined this girls life, you dont deserve any sort of opportunity with her, i just hope she recovers and eventually finds a decent man who wont ruin her life

SineadMarie

Regret2012 wrote: »

Just hoping for some advice

I was a complete d**k when it came to the way i treated a girl and dont know how to make it right

I'll try my best to explain the situation

Was friends with this girl and we started hooking up on nights out after i chased her she became absolutely crazy about me and i knew it so i would come and go as i pleased and would always come back to her and she would let me whenever it came to a chat about what we were i would say im not ready for a relationship but to see how it goes, she fell out with her best friends and family over disagreements about the way i treated her and also became clinically depressed i recently seen her around and there is literally nothing left inside of her you can just see shes empty inside and lost a load of weight shes gone to skin and bones, I just cant get it around my head that i did this to a girl over the past eight months and don't know how to approach it shes a gorgeous girl and the most sweetest friendliest girl you could ever meet any guy would be lucky to have her and plenty did try but she turned them all away hoping someday i would cop on... Ive literally broken her heart and ruined her life. But I now want to get back with her and show her the love she deserves

Should i try make things right and talk to her and say sorry or what should i do?

I think its great that you've realised how wrong you were treating her like that. How do you know for sure that you really want to make it work with her this time, what stopped you before?? I really think for her sake you should leave her alone yes apologise but it seems like you've caused this girl enough heartache you had your chance just move on and let her do the same now too.

Forever Hopeful

Regret2012 wrote: »

Just hoping for some advice

I was a complete d**k when it came to the way i treated a girl and dont know how to make it right

I'll try my best to explain the situation

Was friends with this girl and we started hooking up on nights out after i chased her she became absolutely crazy about me and i knew it so i would come and go as i pleased and would always come back to her and she would let me whenever it came to a chat about what we were i would say im not ready for a relationship but to see how it goes, she fell out with her best friends and family over disagreements about the way i treated her and also became clinically depressed i recently seen her around and there is literally nothing left inside of her you can just see shes empty inside and lost a load of weight shes gone to skin and bones, I just cant get it around my head that i did this to a girl over the past eight months and don't know how to approach it shes a gorgeous girl and the most sweetest friendliest girl you could ever meet any guy would be lucky to have her and plenty did try but she turned them all away hoping someday i would cop on... Ive literally broken her heart and ruined her life. But I now want to get back with her and show her the love she deserves

Should i try make things right and talk to her and say sorry or what should i do?

Op,
There is something I find a little disturbing about this post.
'she fell out with her best friends and family over disagreements about the way i treated her and also became clinically depressed i recently seen her around and there is literally nothing left inside of her you can just see shes empty inside and lost a load of weight shes gone to skin and bones, I just cant get it around my head that i did this to a girl....'
Apart from the physical evidence, how do you know the rest is true and more so, can be attributed to you? I would hate to think I caused that and to even admit it (even anonomusly)... Its like have an ego much? However you must have treated her appallingly if it resulted causing conflict with her friends and family.
You describe the toll your behaviour apparently had on her and then on the other hand describe her in glowing terms, almist like putting her on a pedestal. What I read is a very insecure guy defining his worth by wearing down a perceived unattainable girl?
That is not normal. It disgusts me how one person can be do flippant towards another person when they KNOW their feelings. It's cruel and immature.
Could it be you were testing how much she cared or what?
Op, stay away. Find out what is lacking in you to treat this girl this way. Right now you do not deserve her. Let her be free to find the person who will treat her with the respect and love she deserves.

Herrick

Whats changed that makes you want to be with her properly?

Are you sure you actually want to be in a relationship with this girl or are you only doing it out of guilt and wanting to help "fix her" after whats happened so to speak?

BraziliaNZ

You didn't treat her right before, you wont do it the 2nd time. Guilt does not a relationship build!
I was treated in a similar, but not quite as bad way by my most recent ex, and I wasn't naiive enough to accept her pleas months later, it was quite obvious she was lonely, desperate, and missed having someone dote on them. And the guilt of course. So I ignored her completely, not a word from my side.

Don't worry about her, it's a lesson we all have to learn, you going back in her life will really make things worse, I can't believe there are people here advising you to take her out for dinner etc. Your heart was never in it and believe me it never will be.
She'll come out stronger eventually, you need to stay out of her life completely.

LegacyUser

This is so weird. This is exactly how my ex boyfriend treated me, the exact same length of relationship, and the same happenings with my friends and family. It's almost like you are him. But anyway, from someone on the other side, I'd say think about what you really want first. If you're doing this because you feel guilty, you'll end up breaking her heart again. If you really love her, you need to tell her. Give her time and space and don't be offended if she doesn't want you back. If that was me, I'd be terrified of getting hurt again. But if you just want the guilt off your chest, maybe you can ask her to meet up to apologise and see where that takes you.. Good luck, to both of ye!

LegacyUser

I went through this with a guy, kind of similiar but it sounds like you treated her really badly messing her around. I didn't fall as far as she did but I lost weight pretty rapidly which never happened to me before. I felt like I tripped myself up and just kept falling and couldn't stop for many different reasons. It took me a long time to get myself back on track and snap out of it. I did. What I went through made me stronger. I know though that I made mistakes too, it wasn't down to him, but it didn't help. You need to decide if you're trying to make yourself feel better by apologising, what are you really trying to achieve by this. Every situation is different but I would not feel the need for him to apologise. I let myself fall, not him. I had lots of things to learn. I shouldn't had let it effect me like it did, but I did.

All we can do is take our mistakes and our flaws and learn from them, work on them and always try to do better next time. I know for me I would like to talk to him again because I feel somethings have been left unsaid and we were originally good friends for a long time and the history just complicated things too for us and as I said every situation is different.

But that girl may not be in the right frame of mind to talk to you and it's hard to know that. You need to decide what the right thing to do is, for both of you. You're here asking what to do, I don't think you are sure enough what you want and still confused and so I think you should just let her be. I think your guilt is playing at you more so. How did you see her around and not talk to her? How did she react when she saw you? That would also tell you a lot.

ilovesleep

Coming from a woman from the other end who was messed with and got her head fcuked, it's nasty and horrible treatment to receive. And all because I had dirty frolics and liked him as a person. Do you know how degrading that is?

Lose any sort of an interest that you have about having any sort of a relationship with her. Acknowledge what you did to her, apologise for your behaviour and leave her alone so that she can move on and rebuild her life.

username123

Well well. Its pretty egotistical to think that you and you alone are the author of someone elses misery this way (given that you didnt live together and youre not an addict or werent beating her etc...).

Leave her alone. You didnt treat her right the first time round, you wont again.

Maybe do some work on yourself to figure out why you would treat someone in such a despicable manner.

LegacyUser

its me the poster thanks for the advice as ye are wondering i dont know what it is i cant forget about her everytime i go away from her i come back because it kills me when we dont talk and i always wonder who shes with and end up making the drunk calls and texts even to her friends asking questions about her..... Shes the only girl who stuck by me when it came to mr making mistakes regarding my drinking even tho id ring her telling her im with other girls and going home with them but part of me is saying maybe im not the one to blame as she had her own mind and should of walked away sooner rather than later before she got hurt

username123

regret2012 wrote: »

....but part of me is saying maybe im not the one to blame as she had her own mind and should of walked away sooner rather than later before she got hurt

Ah thats grand then, sure its all her fault. We wouldnt want you taking responsibility for your own behaviour now would we?

ButterflyABC

Leave her alone and sort yourself out.

Gooner111

regret2012 wrote: »

part of me is saying maybe im not the one to blame as she had her own mind and should of walked away sooner rather than later before she got hurt

Come on man! You knew she was hooked on you and did mean things to her because you knew could. Yes she has her own mind to make decisions but her decisions were based on your leading her on. She isn't entirely blameless but don't be trying to cop out!

Regarding your actual interest in her... park that! Maybe in the future, if she forgives you, something could happen but given she is messed up the best thing you can do for her is just be a friend. Put her first and try rectify things.

Contact her and apologise. Not sure if this is appropriate but maybe contact some of the friends and family she fell out with and see if you can help mend those fences.

Your own posts lead me to believe you have a few issues yourself, ie ringing her when your semi-seeing her in order to brag that your going home with another girl isn't exactly normal behaviour. So before thinking of having a relationship with anyone why don't you try sort yourself out.

ilovesleep

regret2012 wrote: »

but part of me is saying maybe im not the one to blame as she had her own mind and should of walked away sooner rather than later before she got hurt

What the fcuk is this?

How can you justify your treatment towards her by saying she allowed it. To some degree perhaps but she probably believed your words and whatever spin that was coming out from your mouth. Each and every time she took you in, she got thorn from you. You didn't have to do what you did to her. You could have exercised some control. The only thing she's to blame for was believing you and believing in you and you took advantage of her and treated her like sh1t. Cop on to yourself.

Herrick

regret2012 wrote: »

id ring her telling her im with other girls and going home with them but part of me is saying maybe im not the one to blame as she had her own mind and should of walked away sooner rather than later before she got hurt

You know what your previous stuff was bad, but this? Especially knowing she was mad into you...

Stay away from her and let her find a good fella, thats complete and utter scumbag behavior :mad:

Forever Hopeful

regret2012 wrote: »

its me the poster thanks for the advice as ye are wondering i dont know what it is i cant forget about her everytime i go away from her i come back because it kills me when we dont talk and i always wonder who shes with and end up making the drunk calls and texts even to her friends asking questions about her..... Shes the only girl who stuck by me when it came to mr making mistakes regarding my drinking even tho id ring her telling her im with other girls and going home with them but part of me is saying maybe im not the one to blame as she had her own mind and should of walked away sooner rather than later before she got hurt

This is even more disturbing OP. You openly acknowledge that you behaved despicably towards this girl. I keep wondering, were you testing her in some way? See how far you could push her?
You say she should have walked away... SHE DID but because she left you alone when you 'go away from her' but because you needed an ego fix you went back...
Ask yourself, if your sister/daughter was being treated by someone like you?
Sorry but this behaviour and lack of accountability makes me sick to my stomach. I was her one time but at least he wasn't as disgusting as this.
The only excuse I can think of is you have serious issues stemming from the past. Stay away from women until you get help.

thefeatheredcat

Regret2012 wrote: »

Just hoping for some advice

I was a complete d**k when it came to the way i treated a girl and dont know how to make it right

I'll try my best to explain the situation

Was friends with this girl and we started hooking up on nights out after i chased her she became absolutely crazy about me and i knew it so i would come and go as i pleased and would always come back to her and she would let me whenever it came to a chat about what we were i would say im not ready for a relationship but to see how it goes, she fell out with her best friends and family over disagreements about the way i treated her and also became clinically depressed i recently seen her around and there is literally nothing left inside of her you can just see shes empty inside and lost a load of weight shes gone to skin and bones, I just cant get it around my head that i did this to a girl over the past eight months and don't know how to approach it shes a gorgeous girl and the most sweetest friendliest girl you could ever meet any guy would be lucky to have her and plenty did try but she turned them all away hoping someday i would cop on... Ive literally broken her heart and ruined her life. But I now want to get back with her and show her the love she deserves

Should i try make things right and talk to her and say sorry or what should i do?

regret2012 wrote: »

its me the poster thanks for the advice as ye are wondering i dont know what it is i cant forget about her everytime i go away from her i come back because it kills me when we dont talk and i always wonder who shes with and end up making the drunk calls and texts even to her friends asking questions about her..... Shes the only girl who stuck by me when it came to mr making mistakes regarding my drinking even tho id ring her telling her im with other girls and going home with them but part of me is saying maybe im not the one to blame as she had her own mind and should of walked away sooner rather than later before she got hurt

I'm in agreement with everybody here. Look you can't just completely ruin someone's life and think "sorry" is going to be it that changes everything.

Between treating her badly, leading her on, calling her friends while drunk and calling her telling her you're with other girls and taking them home, that is so disgraceful and disrespectful and is abusive behaviour towards someone who you supposedly care about and who most likely is like you say "shes a gorgeous girl and the most sweetest friendliest girl you could ever meet any guy would be lucky to have her".

You really have to face up to reality here and realise you treated her so appallingly badly that you're now feeling incredibly guilty about what you did because she looks a wreck which may or may not be attributed to your psychological and emotional abusive behaviour towards her.

You may or may not have ruined her life, but you need to stand up and take responsibility for yourself and your abusive behaviour to her and accept that you cannot and should not be looking to rekindle a relationship with her because she is possibly still really vulnerable and will be walking straight into an abusive relationship with you and you will continue to abuse her, with psychological and emotional abuse like you did in the past. Whatever friendships she has had to rebuild in your absence that will have been really hard on her -especially if it was a difficult thing if she felt very alienated and alone in it al - and you risk undoing any work she has done in rebuilding them.

What has really changed for you? Nothing it seems except that you realise clearly she treated you well because she is a good person and that you feel now you want to commit on your terms as it suits YOU.

I would see it that is most likely isn't the best or healthiest thing for her to get involved with someone who is abusive (been there myself, had my life ruined too) and that what is best for her is not to have to deal with you on any level at all.

If you get into contact with her or try to gain her trust or fake a relationship out of guilt you will be doing her more harm psychologically because she could end up believing that an abusive boyfriend who rings her up when he's out and is taking the next random girl he meets while completely drunk is all she deserves in life.

I think you are being incredibly selfish here OP. Put your selfish guilty self aside for a minute because all you're thinking about is YOU and what YOU want. You're not thinking about her at all and what she needs, which is a stable loving caring boyfriend who she can trust that isn't going to ring her up randomly and walk in and out of her life whenever it suits him to do so, like you did. She doesn't need some vulture looking to swoop in to comfort themselves and pick over what's left of her life and self esteem and mental health or be an emotional vampire in bleeding her emotions dry when she needs to help herself, not you.

Leave her alone, deal with your own guilt by yourself and don't try to make yourself feel better about wrecking another person's life and treating them badly by burdening them with your guilt over your own behaviour which when you were with her, treating her badly, drunk or sober, you didn't give a hoot about her or her feelings or how it would affect her in the first place which you need to take some responsibility for.

TBH there is really nothing you can do except see that the only thing in this for you is all about you, your guilt and getting rid of it. This isn't about her at all. What you need to do is leave her alone, deal with your own guilt by yourself and never ever treat someone like that again. That is what you have to learn here out of this. You cannot turn back time or pretend the horrible things you did never happened, that is something you have to live with and deal with.

And that will probably make you a better person. You have seen her, maybe she is a wreck because of you, but you have to take that on board as being a possible impact on another person as a direct result and consequence of your behaviour and how you treated them, and yes it probably impacts other people too. If you accept that and can see that then it is up to you to change yourself to better yourself as a person and get your issues and your behaviour in order to an acceptable standard.

Neyite

I think the only reason you want her now is because she is trying very hard to pull away from you, and rebuild a life for herself. When you have her back in love with you, you will lose interest again.

You seem quite fascinated with the impact you have had on her life and now are eager to impact on it some more. Why? An ego boost for you?

If you really really want to make amends because you think she is such a wonderful, sweet and amazing person, and you are sorry for what you did, then cut all contact with her and let her meet a wonderful, kind man who treats her the way she deserves to be treated. That man is not you.

She may not even want you back.

Rachelmhr

regret2012 wrote: »

its me the poster thanks for the advice as ye are wondering i dont know what it is i cant forget about her everytime i go away from her i come back because it kills me when we dont talk and i always wonder who shes with and end up making the drunk calls and texts even to her friends asking questions about her..... Shes the only girl who stuck by me when it came to mr making mistakes regarding my drinking even tho id ring her telling her im with other girls and going home with them but part of me is saying maybe im not the one to blame as she had her own mind and should of walked away sooner rather than later before she got hurt

That is actually awful.. how can you think like that OP??
You need to sort your own head out if you seriously believe its HER fault she didnt walk away! Oh my god you are in denial can you not even see that?
That girl was mad about you and you ripped her heart into pieces with your drunken calls about you sleeping with other girls.. That is an actual disgrace. And you have the cheek to think she should have walked away?? How could she walk away when she obviously really liked you! I hope she finds someone else that wont treat her the way you did.

Men like you give the rest a terrible name and you should be ashamed. Leave that girl alone you do not deserve her!

I suggest you get your head out of your @rse and go get some help for your relationship issues before you go and screw up someone elses life!

WhyGoBald

regret2012 wrote: »

its me the poster thanks for the advice as ye are wondering i dont know what it is i cant forget about her everytime i go away from her i come back because it kills me when we dont talk and i always wonder who shes with and end up making the drunk calls and texts even to her friends asking questions about her..... Shes the only girl who stuck by me when it came to mr making mistakes regarding my drinking even tho id ring her telling her im with other girls and going home with them but part of me is saying maybe im not the one to blame as she had her own mind and should of walked away sooner rather than later before she got hurt

This and your OP shows you have no regard for her as a person at all. She's just a possession that you only value when you lose it. You have no empathy for the suffering that you created.

Leave her alone. She will recover, learn a lesson, and find someone better.

You zoned in on her vulnerabilty for an ego kick and have the nerve to blame her when you succeeded in destroying her. You are secretly proud of the damage you caused - it shows you made an impact, doesn't it.

The problem is yours, and yours alone. If you have any conscience whatever, get some help.

x Purple Pawprints x

OP you're right about one thing - you would be lucky to have her. But after the way you have treated her, do you really think you deserve her? Come on, to phone her up and tell her you're with other girls and to say that it was her fault and that she should have walked away sooner shows that you have no regard for her feelings whatsoever. She lost friends and family because of you so leave her alone and let her get her life back.

Novella

Here's what I think you should do - leave that poor girl alone. Forever.

She's obviously having a pretty hard time and the last thing she needs is somebody like you in her life. Some of what you have posted is pretty disturbing in my opinion. Your egotistical manner, the fact you are convinced that you have 'ruined her life', not to mention you calling her and telling her you were going home with other girls. Seriously? I don't even know why you would do that, it's crazy. I don't think she is only one who needs help in this situation because your self absorbed attitude is astounding.

Ellsbells

You think she is ill? you must be seriously messed up in the head yourself to treat someone like that...

You need to work on your own issues. What you did was abuse someone weaker than you. Elements of your behaviour were sadistic. Is this the first person you have abused like this or have there been others. Would strongly recommend counselling for YOU.

LegacyUser

But I now want to get back with her and show her the love she deserves

YOU show her the love she deserves? get real OP - She doesn't deserve to have to suffer the kind of messed up, warped perception of "love" you hold - no one does. Your attitude, ego, and behaviour towards this women is disgusting.

She'll find the love she deserves someday don't you worry about that, but you can be guaranteed it will be with a man who is everything you're not...and I'd seriously suggest you see a mental health professional and discuss your own issues if YOU ever want to have any hope of functioning in a loving, adult relationship.

Should i try make things right and talk to her and say sorry or what should i do?

No. What you should do is stay as far away from her as possible and never ever contact her again.

ilovesleep

I was on the receiving end of such dirt and I got my head messed with and got played. I felt awful for so long, trying to get my head around the bullsh1t and lies that were delivered and the end result was sheer confusion - was he real or not? Were they lies? Why lie? Nothing added up for me and I felt like sh1te for so long.

OP, I know people are saying to stay away from her but for me it would have meant so much if the asshole I was involved with just acknowlegded what he did and have some sort of empathy as to what that could have been for me and apologise for what he did. It wouldn't have meant a relationship/friendship or anything more would come out from an apology. It would have helped me to move on. So, I don't know OP, maybe you could apologise but I think it would be very unfair to seek a relationship with her. She'd be far too fragile. Drop whatever sort of an interest that you have of a relationship and if you apologise, make you let her know that nothing will come of the apology just in case she thinks you're going to make a comeback.

_Whimsical_

regret2012 wrote: »

its me the poster thanks for the advice as ye are wondering i dont know what it is i cant forget about her everytime i go away from her i come back because it kills me when we dont talk and i always wonder who shes with and end up making the drunk calls and texts even to her friends asking questions about her..... Shes the only girl who stuck by me when it came to mr making mistakes regarding my drinking even tho id ring her telling her im with other girls and going home with them but part of me is saying maybe im not the one to blame as she had her own mind and should of walked away sooner rather than later before she got hurt

I can say as someone who did actually get an apology from someone in a similar situation that it helped a lot.Well not really a similar situation, there was no poor treatment but it was a painful breakup that wasn't handled the best by the other party. Having them tell me they regretted what they'd done and that they thought a lot of me really helped me to gather my confidence again and move on from it. This girl needs to move on from what happened with you if it has caused her this much pain. There might be a time in the future when you could come together on an equal footing but guilt is no basis for a happy relationship. However please do say sorry to her, tell her you were an idiot and you realise it and that she deserved better.Let her know it wasn't a case of her not measuring up or being a fool for you. Then let it go. Let your only agenda be for her better.

Da Shins Kelly

Leave that girl well alone forever and get your own sh*t together. The last thing she needs is you popping up again.