Fallen in love with someone I shouldn't

LegacyUser

Fairly sure I know what kind of advice I'll get here but I need to get it off my chest and tell someone.

Basically I met a girl, liked her from the beginning but she is in a relationship and planning her wedding next year so I tried to just not think about it. We kept meeting however, supermarket, in the street, in the pub just bumping into each other. Eventually we decided to go for a coffee one day we met & it started from there really. It was just friendly to begin with and for a long time we pretended it was just friendly when I think we both new that it was more. We hadn't gotten beyond the odd touch on the arm or things like that until about 3 weeks ago when we slept together. Things have been funny since, she's told me it was a mistake but she keeps coming back to me. I fallen completely in love with her and don't know what to do. I'd like to ask her to leave him but I'm afraid I won't get the answer I want. They have a mortgage, big house in the country and an upcoming wedding and I don't think it would be an easy split.

I've really gotten myself in a mess.

Ellsbells

Yeah you have.

You need to ask the question. She has it both ways - her safe fiancée at home and a bit on the side. Ask her what she is going to do and make your decision based on the answer. Don't be that person - the bit on the side. It's not classy.

stargazer 68

Have a read of this thread OP - something silimar. You are her 'bit on the side'


<Mod Snip: Please do not link to other threads; while there may be similarities this activity can result in a derailed thread>

Peanut2011

OP,

I have to say there is little I can say without being banned! People like you really get on the wrong side of me. My only advice that I can give you without breaking the rule is get away from her as soon and as far away as possible!

LegacyUser

Ok I get it, I'm not really a bit on the side because nothing has happened since but maybe it's just bad timing when we met. I mean why should he get her just because he happened to meet her first?

I know what we did was wrong but it's done now. She's clearly not happy, we've met a few times since and I can see how much anguish it's causing her but the fact that she is still making the time to see me says that she feels some of what I feel too.

stargazer 68

foolishboyo wrote: »

Things have been funny since, she's told me it was a mistake but she keeps coming back to me.
.

foolishboyo wrote: »

Ok I get it, I'm not really a bit on the side because nothing has happened since
.

But you said she keeps coming back to you so........
Why should he get her? Because she is still with him and is going to marry him! If she isnt happy with him then she needs to end it and now not further down the line. Don't be the guy in the wings waiting!

LegacyUser

What I meant is she keeps agreeing to meet me. I love spending time with her and we talk about everything. Nothing physical has happened since we slept together though.

Peanut2011

foolishboyo wrote: »

What I meant is she keeps agreeing to meet me. I love spending time with her and we talk about everything. Nothing physical has happened since we slept together though.

Maybe she is having the pre-wedding nerves or the case of "oh my holy sh*t I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him" and is just looking to see she is still wanted elsewhere?

Only she can answer why she is doing that but clearly she does not value either one of you that much. Would you be happy if she was your girlfriend / fiancé? If she has no problems of sleeping with you, even just once, and keeps coming back to you as you put it, what does it tell you about her?

This crap about why he should get her just cos he met her first is so selfish and self centred that you can't get any worse. When people are in relationships, no matter how unhappy they may claim to be, you simply stay away! If the two of you were meant to be she would have left him before anything happened. Personally I would not be able to trust the woman like her even if she ended up leaving him for you.

LegacyUser

I just want to say that she is a really good person. She is very caring and kind hearted and she didn't sleep with me with no problems as you put it, I know that she has been struggling with this.

One bad act doesn't make a bad person and knowing her like I do I would trust her should we end up in a relationship.

P. Breathnach

Let's look at it from the point of view of her fiancé: she got close to another man; she slept with him; she regrets that she did; but she can't bring herself to cut all ties with the other man. If he knew that, would he still want to marry her?

OP, you need to have one conversation with her: establish if she is prepared to turn her life around completely and commit to you. If she says no, then sever all contact.

Ellsbells

foolishboyo wrote: »

I just want to say that she is a really good person. She is very caring and kind hearted and she didn't sleep with me with no problems as you put it, I know that she has been struggling with this.

One bad act doesn't make a bad person and knowing her like I do I would trust her should we end up in a relationship.

No but she is a bad fiancée... Sounds like you are the one chasing her - why not give her a chance to figure it out about her fiancé.

That's pure BS about meeting her second :rolleyes:

People normally feel bad after they cheat for the first time but it gets easier after that so I wouldn't be betting my life savings on her fidelity if you do end up with her.

Piliger

Hi OP.

I don't agree with ANY of the vilification you are receiving. This situation is her responsibility not yours - you haven't made any commitments to anyone, she has - so please don't allow it to be dumped on your shoulders.

It seems to me you are in a fairly straight forward situation if you boil it down.

You have to ask yourself a few basic questions. Is this girl really in love with her fiance ? if not then why is she apparently going ahead with the marriage ? And is she actually going to go ahead with this marriage ?

It seems to me that you need to sit this girl down and ask her what she plans to do now. Does she plan to go ahead ? If she still plans to go ahead with the marriage then your choices are clear. Stay and be the other guy, putting your own life on hold for the sake of a part time, secret, relationship that will go nowhere .... or let it go and get on with living your own life.

If she says she is cancelling the wedding then you need to make sure she follows through and gets on with it. No prevarication. Don't feel at all guilty OP. If she feels she wants to cancel then they were not destined to be together any way. You will find that some people will be very angry with the two of you, but you won't be the first nor the last people who fall for each other at the wrong time.

LegacyUser

you just need to ask her out straight (not bluntly but as part of a detailed conversation) if she sees it going anywhere with you.

if she does, work on a time frame to sort everything else out, assume people will be badly hurt all around her (and you depending on relationships). this will not be easy, you will need to deal with all of it, you can be discrete, but it will all come out. neither of you go off the deep end.

if she doesnt, walk away and get your stuff together. treat it like the end of any relationship, dont hang on dreaming of her and dont leave doors open to be a fallback, you will only mess yourself up.

nobody wants to be in your position, we all want to meet them at the right time, right place. it doesnt always work like that, so go for it if you both think you can make it work.

Ellsbells

Piliger wrote: »

I don't agree with ANY of the vilification you are receiving. This situation is her responsibility not yours - you haven't made any commitments to anyone, she has - so please don't allow it to be dumped on your shoulders.

You seem to be much more open minded that most... Its not nice to sh!t on someone else even if you dont know them. Of course its HER responsibility not to cheat on her fiance but, in fairness, the OP encouraging her to cheat is not nice either.

People have to take responsibility for their part in treating others badly.

meeeeh

foolishboyo wrote: »

I just want to say that she is a really good person. She is very caring and kind hearted and she didn't sleep with me with no problems as you put it, I know that she has been struggling with this.

One bad act doesn't make a bad person and knowing her like I do I would trust her should we end up in a relationship.

You seem to be head over heels in love with her. We can't chose who we fall in love with and it's a bit late to advise to stay away from someone in a relationship. But for your sake, force her to make a decision who she wants to be with. Having a big mortgage and planning a wedding is not reason enough to marry someone and divorce later would be even more expensive. So it's up to her to sort out this mess and you should cut contact with her if she doesn't make her mind up or if she decides stay with him.

At the moment you are making a bunch of excuses for her and letting her to maintain status quo which is bad for everybody involved.

Pippy1976

From the quote pasted below, you're clearly hoping this 'ends up in a relationship'. It probably won't.

Would you trust her? Would you really? Answer that honestly....

foolishboyo wrote: »

I would trust her should we end up in a relationship.

Peanut2011

foolishboyo wrote: »

She is very caring and kind hearted and she didn't sleep with me with no problems as you put it, I know that she has been struggling with this.

OP, if she did not sleep with you "with no problems" than you have either forced her to or exploited her weakness at this time and played on her emotionally! So which one is it?

Ellsbells

Pippy1976 wrote: »

Would you trust her? Would you really? Answer that honestly....

Yep as Sir James Goldsmith famously put it when he divorced Ginette Lery and married Lady Annabel Goldsmith, "When you marry your mistress, you create a vacancy." Same goes for male mistresses - what are they called???

LegacyUser

Firstly i think you need to distance yourself from the judgements that are going on here. You can't help how you feel, but you can help how you act.

You are mad about her. Imo, all you can do is tell her that and ask her to choose between a chance with you or her future marriage. Until she makes up her mind you probably need to cut contact.

If she chooses you then happy days, if she doesn't then just chalk it down to life and try to move on.

LegacyUser

I didn't expect a round of applause but this belittling of what we feel for each other is a bit much. I can honestly say I trust her and no I didn't force her to sleep with me. We slept together but it doesn't mean she is cold hearted and has no problem with what she's done.

I am going to ask her to make a decision and I will have to accept whatever that is, thanks for those that gave advice rather than just admonish our behaviour.

Pippy1976

I don't think he should distance himself from the judgements - it might help him decide what to do.

I agree though - she knows how you feel, she's feeling EXTREMELY confused right now, of that I have no doubt, therefore she needs space from you ... I think space puts things in perspective.

Perhaps if you didn't see her all the time, a little while down the line you'll have moved on? Time heals all wounds. Leave her be, for now.

TheAralSea wrote: »

Firstly i think you need to distance yourself from the judgements that are going on here. You can't help how you feel, but you can help how you act.

You are mad about her. Imo, all you can do is tell her that and ask her to choose between a chance with you or her future marriage. Until she makes up her mind you probably need to cut contact.

If she chooses you then happy days, if she doesn't then just chalk it down to life and try to move on.

Boskowski

A lot of the replies here will be very black or white, well, black really.

Unfortunately life is mostly greyish and simple answers are mostly that - simple.

If everybody throughout history was as straight as people claim to be on those types of threads I tell you 95% of all great books would never have been written.

If you're not actually worming and manipulating her, and I take it you're not, then you are just a symptom of an already failing / doomed relationship.
Love is a funny bird and if two people get together in love no matter how strange and unfortunate the situation how can anyone call it wrong and judge them?

Only you can know what is the right thing to do as only you know all the details. There is obviously quite a bit of a shadow hanging over ye and it is putting your 'relationship' under pressure right off the start.
Only you know is it worth it and will it have a chance of going somewhere.

Ellsbells

Well I have experience from the girls side and while engaged to my ex I met and fell for someone else. We had the house, mortgage, wedding booked etc but you know what - after one kiss I went home and told my (ex) fiance that we were finished. Why? Because if it gets to the point you are smitten / physical with someone else then you shouldnt be marrying the person you are with.

Answers are black and white because its simple. If she really wanted the OP they would be together by now. It suits her and the OP facilitating the affair is unfair to himself plus the fiance.

I nipped the affair in the bud by doing the right thing i.e. finishing immediately with my ex. I didnt keep on the charade of being engaged or wasnt sneaking off for months at an end cheating on my fiance.

People dont want to take personal responsibility anymore. What i did was wrong but i tried to limit the damage by taking immediate action. What this girl is doing is pure selfish. She is making an idiot of her fiance. OP is helping her without a care in the work for the poor fiance.

Piliger

Ellsbells wrote: »

You seem to be much more open minded that most... Its not nice to sh!t on someone else even if you dont know them. Of course its HER responsibility not to cheat on her fiance but, in fairness, the OP encouraging her to cheat is not nice either.

People have to take responsibility for their part in treating others badly.

I prefer not to make sweeping generalisations about people we have absolute no knowledge about. No one here knows what is going on between this lady and her fiance. He could be a lovely guy or a wife beater or a drug addict and no one knows the basis on which she made her decision to hook up with this man. The OP comes looking for advice, not to have his girl friend judged by people who don't know her.

He himself has absolutely no responsibility whatsoever for her actions. He made no commitment to her fiance. He made no promise. He made no agreement. She is an adult and any actions she has taken are her own. Spreading responsibility like this is just way people have of pulling people into their problem.

OP: The world is chock full of people who have made mistakes and who have strayed out of their relationships for whatever good or bad reason. Most never ever get caught and go back to being sound trustworthy people again.

Her actions with you are absolutely no reflection her character based on that alone. I see no reason why you should not have absolute trust in her .... unless you are aware of other factors that may support that view. The dismissive world view that claims that when a person makes one mistake, they should be permanently branded as a bad person or untrustworthy is also a total fallacy and a deeply sad and cynical one.

P. Breathnach

Piliger wrote: »

... He himself has absolutely no responsibility whatsoever for her actions. He made no commitment to her fiance. He made no promise. He made no agreement. She is an adult and any actions she has taken are her own. Spreading responsibility like this is just way people have of pulling people into their problem....

Developing a relationship with somebody and having sex with a person are activities which cannot conveniently be isolated from the rest of life. OP has sought to create something between himself and a woman who is engaged to be married. This is a venture that will probably cause great pain to people, and he is aware of that (it seems unclear yet who will suffer the pain). He cannot walk away from the wreckage disowning all responsibility. It's not as if he didn't know the position before this venture got going.

[In fairness to OP, I see no sign that he is trying to avoid responsibility.]

neveah

Totally agree with the posters who are of the opinion that life is 50 shades of grey It's easy to be black and white about things but unfortunately things rarely are so simple. There's a lot we don't know about the situation and we are only getting one angle on things.
People are complex beings. People can be conflicted and have inner turmoil thus resulting in a delay in being 'black and white' and taking immediate action to 'correct' their wrongs. We don't know what's going on in this girls head or in her relationship so I am not even going to comment on this as I don't believe this one situation ultimately defines her as a person.

OP all you can do is look after yourself at this stage. Protect yourself, you could be heading for heartbreak or it could work out. It is a messy situation, be prepared for all eventualities. The only thing you can do is to ask her what she wants, she is the only one who can decide. Once you've gotten this far come back and let us know what she says and we can advise you on your next move because at the moment you can't do much only get an answer about where you stand with her.

LegacyUser

Probably wasn't the best idea to do it by text but I couldn't face doing it in person. I asked what she wanted out of this. She's said she is torn, she has strong feelings for me and would love to give it a go in any other circumstance. On the other hand she also cares about her fiance but isn't sure if she still loves him. She's asked for a bit of space to try and figure it out in her head.

So I just have to wait and see now!

P. Breathnach

Well, if she decided to come here and ask for advice, I'd tell her that she owes it to her fiancé to finish with him. Ellsbells has nailed that one perfectly with her account of her own experience.

If she decides to stay with him, I hope you have the good sense and fortitude to sever all contact - no half-measures, no being "just friends", no anything. Bleak, I know - but necessary.

Ellsbells

Op you did the best thing. You have to preserve yourself too. Let her make her decision but dont be her fall guy.

I just cant figure why people, who dont truly madly deeply love their partners, marry them. It's an injustice to all parties involved.

Gooner111

foolishboyo wrote: »

Probably wasn't the best idea to do it by text but I couldn't face doing it in person. I asked what she wanted out of this. She's said she is torn, she has strong feelings for me and would love to give it a go in any other circumstance. On the other hand she also cares about her fiance but isn't sure if she still loves him. She's asked for a bit of space to try and figure it out in her head.

So I just have to wait and see now!

You definitely have done whats best for yourself here. Getting into an affair would not have been good for you. You want her for yourself. Sharing would have hurt you. Don't contact her. If she hasn't contacted you in say a month then start moving on (I know easier said than done).

If she does end things with the fiance and comes to you honestly I'd be careful about getting into a full on relationship with her. Take things slow! There will be alot of emotional and real life issues she will have to sort through which will take its toll on her and you.

Good luck

Piliger

foolishboyo wrote: »

Probably wasn't the best idea to do it by text but I couldn't face doing it in person. I asked what she wanted out of this. She's said she is torn, she has strong feelings for me and would love to give it a go in any other circumstance. On the other hand she also cares about her fiance but isn't sure if she still loves him. She's asked for a bit of space to try and figure it out in her head.

So I just have to wait and see now!

Hi OP - I think that was a very sensible and reasonable course of action (at least everything except the texting method, that is)

In my view you should allow her a week or so to come to a decision and then approach her for her decision. This is an enormous decision for her to make. But she has to make it and only she can.

By the way - if you do so by text then you will NEVER reconcile the whole thing in your head, so please for your own sake stay living in the real world and talk to her in person next time.

You are probably worried right now and it's going to a tough tough week. But this is one of those times when you just have to suck it up and wait ... and then deal with the decision when it happens. I do feel for you.

Best of luck.

beks101

Of course life isn't black or white and people meet the 'right' person at the wrong time all the time.

But I don't subscribe to this you-can't-help-who-you-fall-in-love-with thing at all. It just allows people to avoid taking responsibility for all kinds of ****ty situations that they create.

OP, this isn't a fairy tale. Your actions are messing with lives here. Statistically it's highly unlikely this girl is going to walk away from her fiancé given the path of destruction she would leave in her wake, with severed financial,social, family etc ties. I know you think your situation is different, but everyone who's been in your shoes has thought that; that's what reels people in.

I don't agree with the harsh judgements on you here as really, you could be anyone. Maybe you're special to this girl, maybe your connection has caught her totally unawares...or maybe you're an ego boost at a time when she's having cold feet. Maybe you're a distraction from some relationship problems she's having. Maybe you're the first guy she's cheated on her fiancé with, or maybe you're one of many. How can you know for sure? She's cheating on the man she plans to marry here so your relationship isn't exactly starting on solid ground.

Leave her be now and don't talk to her until she's come to a decision. Don't entertain anything but a firm, direct answer about what her next action will be.