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Boyfriends Ex

  • 28-08-2012 4:16pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi,

    I would just like some perspective on this, its just something thats niggling and annoying me and I know it shouldnt be.

    Im going out with a really lovely guy, relatively new relationship,just more than a few months and it feels really special and its all going great. Ive never been in a long term relationship before (anything over the year) and had been single for a good while before we got together.

    The thing is my bf was with his ex for ten yrs, living together and had a child before we met, they had split almost a year before we got together. His Ex herself is not the issue nor is his child. They are on relatively good terms and amicable for the sake of their son which i think is great. She has moved on and has a new partner now. And Im getting on fine with his son, taking it all slow.

    Here's my issue! Im thinking about it all the time, what was it like when he was with her? When we do things together i wonder did he do this with her? A lot of this relationship stuff is new for me, exciting and happy and then I think, this isnt new new for him, he's been here before. I know how silly this must sound, I know people come with histories and baggage etc. but i cant help thinking about it and i wish it wasnt like this.

    Im paranoid about what his friends think of me and are they comparing me to her, they obviously all new her and are all FB friends with her. When im out with them, it always comes into my head. are they thinking, jeez he shud still be with EX.

    I know his sister was really good friends with her and worry that she's comparing me to her (even though his sister has been nothing but lovely to me any time we've met

    I guess id just like advise on how I can stop doing this, I dont want it to become an issue and end up ruining things.

    Thanks


Comments

  • #2
    Idle Passerby
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,130 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby


    I think your overthinking it. It sounds like theres nothing to worry about, there's no problems between him and the ex, no lingering romantic feelings by the sounds of it, his friends and family seem to get on fine with you.

    They were together 10 years so in all liklihood there are some things he does with you that he has done with his ex in the past, but that's life. If you wanted to be with someone who had no past you'd have chosen a teenager. If there is no indication that he is anything other than happy with you then I wouldn't pick at it. Everyone who has lived has a past, he may be equally insecure about your years of singledom but at the end of the day it doesn't matter because your together now and happy.

    I wouldn't worry about his friends and family judging you, if they're decent mature people they will be happy he's with someone good. Even if some of them secretly think his ex was nicer or whatever, its none of their business and I presume if they ever said as much to your boyfriend they'd be told to mind their own business.


  • #3
    Piliger
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,741 ✭✭✭Piliger


    Hi OP. I don't believe there is any trick to dealing with this.

    You have to realise that everyone has history. And as you get older their history gets longer and more populated. If we spent our time wondering about how our partners were with all of the people and ladies/men they dates ... there wouldn't be time in the day to live.

    You need to concentrate on living life as it is now. Today. Tomorrow. Life is too short to be wasting it on this kind of pointless and worthless musings ... and they are worthless aren't they ? They don't help you and make you happier ?

    Live life. Who knows what tomorrow might bring........


  • #4
    Lorna123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,116 ✭✭✭Lorna123


    Your b/f did a lot of stuff before with his ex but he didn't do these things with you before, that's the bottom line here.


  • #5
    ultra_other
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 88 ✭✭ultra_other


    Paranoidpolly wrote: »
    Hi,
    Here's my issue! Im thinking about it all the time, what was it like when he was with her? When we do things together i wonder did he do this with her? A lot of this relationship stuff is new for me, exciting and happy and then I think, this isnt new new for him, he's been here before. I know how silly this must sound, I know people come with histories and baggage etc. but i cant help thinking about it and i wish it wasnt like this.

    Im paranoid about what his friends think of me and are they comparing me to her, they obviously all new her and are all FB friends with her. When im out with them, it always comes into my head. are they thinking, jeez he shud still be with EX.

    Thanks


    Hi Paranoidpolly
    I think the first thing that you should remember is your bf is doing new things as well. He may have done stuff with is Ex before, but he is doing it with you now, so thats new to him and new to you. It dose not matter that he was in Y place before with his Ex, he is there now with you and that is where he wants to be with you in place Y.
    Just embrace and enjoy your time with your BF

    As for is friends and his sister, they will want him to be happy and if he is happy with you they will not be thinking, "jeez he shud still be with EX". He split up from his Ex for a reason.


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