How to distance from a mate without losing all?

LegacyUser

Please help me as I don't know how to approach this. I just moved and made lots of new acquaintances/mates. Most of them are grand and we tend to go out in groups and most nights out we have a few laughs. I think it is inevitable, being all singles there have been a few flings going on. I got a massive crush on a guy, and I am trying to keep it under control and eventually get over it, as he has a lot of personal issues and at his stage he behaves like he just wants to be friends. But, one of my female mates knows I have got this crush and I have been feeling low about this guy. And she is being very flirty with him, and while I am trying to move on from the crush, it upsets me to see her so flirty. I have been trying to distance myself from the two of them, but I don't want to loose all the other mates. Before all this, I used to invite her over to a lot of things, and she has now met most of my mates, but now I feel she is trying to be their “new best friend”, she tries to be intimate very quickly with them.
Help!

Roisy7

She sounds like a stirrer tbh. No real advice, just keep friendly with these new people and perhaps cool it on the drink if you feel you might get upset with her. I would keep my distance with this individual, be friendly and polite and don't go beyond the superficial with her. She sounds like someone not to be trusted!

As for your man, life is too short to waste time on someone who is not interested. Hope you find someone new soon, unrequited things suck

LegacyUser

Thanks! I am trying to avoid her, as is also very nosy and always asked for a full report on what i have been up to when I don't go out with her.
She had the cheek to mention on email that I looked in a strange mood lately and she wondered if it was about the guy, and offered to help!
All the while I know she is emailing him and phoning him to try to get somewhere with him.
Of course I have to get over the crush and start seeing guys who are more interested in me, but I also need to cut her loose as I do not longer want her around and certainly do not want her try to snatch other guys from me.

Casillas

Id tell him how you feel to be honest. He just might not know and like you too. Its just best to know for sure.

LegacyUser

Casillas,
Thanks for your post. I had written a separate post in RI specific about the guy, and general consensus is that he does not fancy me.
I don't know.
After we met, I emailed him asking him if he wanted to go for a drink sometimes.
He said yes, and he (not me), he fixed time, date and place.
Place was very cosy, but.
In his last message before we were due to meet, he wrote: "I don't want you to get the wrong impression".
At that stage I had already committed to go out, and went along with it.
I did fancy him during the evening out (I am not sure that was a "date") but I did not make a move and he did not make a movie.
He drove me home afterwards and we agreed to meet with the mates we have in common.
Next day, I confided to my "stirrer" mate (or frenemy) that I went out with the guy, and she told me that he has also asked her to come along the night before, and she said no.
I confided in her that I fancied him, and next time we went out with the mates we have in common, she proceeded to flirt with him in front of my eyes.
Feedback from my post in RI is that he does not fancy me.
So I am trying to get over him, it is hard as we still go out with mates in common.
Yesterday I sent him a message to thank him for a small favor he did for me, and he wrote back a really long message mentioning some personal stuff he is going through.
I don't know what to think anymore!

Mighty_Mouse

You are turning this into an unecessary big deal and reading far too deeply into insignificant details.

You asked a guy/friend out, he is interested in friendship only.
End of story. The "getting over" part of this whole experience should take about 4-5 seconds.

Rejection stings, but honestly, there is no need for childish "putting on good show" games when out next time. Nothing happened!!

The follow up is basically you seeking a way to keep the dialogue open with this guy because you still fancy the pants off him. He clearly is taking it a face value, feels there is a friendships developing and is opening up a bit.

Now for some strange reason you want to just pull the plug?
On both him & your mate.

Finally, you don't get "finders, keepers" on people and if you keep up this craic you might end up creating divisions in the social circle.

Honestly, it's all a bit childish.
I don't mean to be cruel. It sounds bloody exhausting!

LegacyUser

Mighty Mouse,
Thanks.
Yes, there are two things going on here.
One is: the guy. I have not replied to his message and I don't know if and how to do it.
I don't want to be friends with him and I don't want him to think we are going to be friends.
I said to him that I will skip the next group night out, and he asked me another question on something else, like he wants to keep the dialogue going, and I don't want to keep the dialogue going.
He has got so many personal problems that I would not want to get involved with him as a friend.
His existing friends should help him, methinks (not me, who he met 5 minutes ago)
One is: I don't trust my female mate anymore, as if she did it once she can do it again, to me and to other girls from the group.
I don't trust her, and I want to drop her. I am trying to do that without the other mates noticing, as I don't want to bitch about her with them, or anything.
I just want to distance myself from her.
She used to ask me for coffee and lunch, and I don't want to go out anymore on a one to one basis with her. I also do not want her to introduce her to any of my new mates (apart from the ones she already knows).
So there, I want to drop her, but without the other mates noticing as I don't want to create any drama within the group.

ibarelycare

Sorry OP but you sound extremely immature and very selfish.

Firstly, this guy. You fancy him and would have liked a relationship with him, yet now you don't want to be his friend because he has too many personal issues? He obviously considers you a friend and tries to confide in you and talk to you about them and you ignore him and say that his other friends should deal with them? Wow. That speaks volumes about you.

Secondly, your friend. TBH you're the one who sounds like the "frenemy" here. You want to cut her off because she's flirty with a guy you fancy? Tough shit. You can't lay claim on someone, and he's not even interested in you anyway. You say she's trying to be a "new best friend" to anyone you introduce her to. So what? She sounds like a very friendly person and you just sound jealous and bitter.

The problem in both these situations is you.

LegacyUser

OP here,
I am not dropping 2 friends, though.
She was just a mate, I only met her 2 months ago.
And I met him maybe 5 times in total.
Thanks Mighty Mouse and Ibarelycare.for your opinions and advice

Mighty_Mouse

hi op,
Just back away slowly.
Reply to the guy friendly enough but as you would an aquaintence.
Don't address the personal issue only to say "real sorry to hear about x, hope you getting on ok with it."
Only reply to direct requests, not silly chatty emails and leave the gaps longer in between. Become very busy with work so not around for social coffees etc... in the end the will just not bother.
If you meet them out don't make a point of ignoring them or sitting miles apart. ie. they become people you meet occasionaly instead of close personal friends.

Best of luck with it.

Roisy7

Some of the replies are a little harsh on the OP I think... We don't know what his personal issue is, could be addiction etc, in that case she is wise to back away. And it is difficult and usually futile to attempt friendship with someone you fancy.

I agree that maybe the frenemy isn't as bad as you think. Perhaps she is just friendly and maybe because you fancy him you think she's flirting... BUT if your instincts are working overtime with this girl saying that there is something not right than 99.9% of the time your gut is right.

Still think you should distance yourself from both of them and be friendly and polite. Don't pin all your hopes on this group, don't forget older connections and be open to friends from every area of your life

BunShopVoyeur

ibarelycare wrote: »

Sorry OP but you sound extremely immature and very selfish.

Firstly, this guy. You fancy him and would have liked a relationship with him, yet now you don't want to be his friend because he has too many personal issues? He obviously considers you a friend and tries to confide in you and talk to you about them and you ignore him and say that his other friends should deal with them? Wow. That speaks volumes about you.

Secondly, your friend. TBH you're the one who sounds like the "frenemy" here. You want to cut her off because she's flirty with a guy you fancy? Tough sh[COLOR="Black"]i[/COLOR]t. You can't lay claim on someone, and he's not even interested in you anyway. You say she's trying to be a "new best friend" to anyone you introduce her to. So what? She sounds like a very friendly person and you just sound jealous and bitter.

The problem in both these situations is you.

That's very harsh...

Ellsbells

So you want him as a bf but you don't want him just as a friend because he has too many issues?

daisybelle2008

Confused9876 wrote: »

OP here,
I am not dropping 2 friends, though.
She was just a mate, I only met her 2 months ago.
And I met him maybe 5 times in total.
Thanks Mighty Mouse and Ibarelycare.for your opinions and advice

OP I have to agree with the posters who imply you may be overdramatising things. Your thread has 'without losing it all' in the title.
Above you indicate they are mere acquaintances that you know a wet week. You are hardly in danger of 'losing it all' by distancing yourself from people you barely know. Relax you are an adult, you don't 'have' to spend time with people you don't know . You seem to contradict yourself a lot in both threads. Maybe just read through and try to chill about this situation.